FIFTEEN Ravi

FIFTEEN

Ravi

She kissed me; then she ran away like she was being chased by a mob of demons," Ravi said. "I don't even know what I'm supposed to do now." It had been a week, but he felt like it had happened seconds ago. The soft, firm pressure of her fingertips as they curled around the back of his neck and into his hair. The smooth pillow feel of her mouth against his. The curve of her hips as he pulled her close and into his embrace. His pulse was racing in overdrive, and he felt drunk with the sensation of her. That's why he wasn't able to react fast enough to ask her to stay before she slipped out the door without another word.

"I don't know how to tell you this," Sahdna said as she dabbed at the lipstick she'd just reapplied for her social-media feed, "but she may be a lost cause. Jessie has her entire college career in front of her, and she's probably just testing her boundaries."

"Testing her boundaries?"

Sahdna shrugged. "Yeah, you know. Kissing guys who are for right now, not forever. That's what Tanvi thinks."

Ravi took a sip of the lukewarm beer. He never understood why they always had to drink the cheap shit at the parties. It's not like they couldn't afford something better. "Jessie isn't the kind of person to kiss someone just because she's testing boundaries. No, if she kisses someone, it means something."

Sahdna raised a perfectly arched brow. "And you know this how?"

"I just do, okay?"

She held up her free hand in surrender. "Hey, you came to me for advice. I'm just trying to help you here. Have you two texted since last weekend?"

"Yeah," Ravi said. "It was pretty much Jessie telling me that she doesn't have time to meet up because she took a few extra shifts at her work-study job."

"Which is why you're here now on a Friday, brooding."

Ravi looked out at the crowd and rolled his eyes. Same shit, different day. There were the beer pong and card games, the groups of people talking. There was sexy dancing that would probably progress to make-out sessions and hooking up in one of the bedrooms upstairs. He had a lot of fun when he first started at university, but now he saw the parties as a desperate attempt for people to seize the freedom they could before they had to leave their college bubble.

"The good thing is Jessie's managed to keep your secrets safe. She hasn't bragged about all the things you've told her about yourself."

"She wouldn't do that," Ravi said. He'd shared more with Jessie than he'd shared even with Sahdna, and she knew as much as she did only because their families came from the same world.

Before Sahdna had a chance to respond, Deep and Vik strolled over from across the yard.

"It's good to finally see you out again," Vik said, and then cuffed Ravi's shoulder. "I feel like you haven't been around for the last month. You missed most of rush."

"I'm sure you all had it handled."

Deep chuckled as he scratched his thick beard. "We honest to god thought you had a thing for the first-year girl, and you were meeting her in secret or something. I saw her in the library a couple times this week when I was pulling stuff from my paper, and since you weren't there—"

"This week?" Ravi said, his spine straightening. "You saw her in the library this week?"

"Uh-oh," Sahdna said under her breath.

"Yeah," Deep said as he glanced over at Vik, then back to Ravi. "On the sixth floor. Isn't that where you were fighting over the same study room? We were actually looking for you when we saw her."

"Huh," Ravi said, his jaw clenching in response. "Yeah, I didn't realize she was in the room I usually take. She usually texts me ..."

Vik held up his hands in surrender. "I thought you guys were just study-room enemies. Are we reading this wrong? Has the mighty Ravi fallen?"

"Oh my god, shut up," Sahdna said. She rolled her eyes. "The only person that Ravi is interested in is me." She wrapped an arm around Ravi's waist. "Babe, you want to get some pizza? I'm hungry."

"Come on," Deep said. "Sahdna, we know you've been hanging around with a first-year, too. Don't fuck with us."

Ravi felt Sahdna pinch his hip. "Ah, sorry, Vik. Sahdna's still my ... uh, bestie. If she wants pizza, then she gets pizza."

"Did you just call her your bestie?" Deep asked.

"Bye," Sahdna said with a wave, and then began maneuvering Ravi toward the door.

"Thanks," he whispered against her temple.

Sahdna looked up at him. "Don't thank me yet. I'm about to say something that might piss you off. Ravi? If I was dating a girl who went out of her way to lie to me about our weekly meetings and then ended up studying in a different study room on the complete opposite end of the library, I'd want to know why."

"You're right," Ravi said. He stepped out onto the street and kept Sahdna close until a group of people walked by. "I should really go talk to her."

"You should," Sahdna said. "I'll walk with you a ways and then you can head toward the library."

"No, let me walk you back—"

"Or I'll catch a ride share," she said, holding up her hand like a traffic signal. "I don't need you to walk me all the way back to my house. It's at least twenty minutes from the library, if not more."

"Fine," Ravi said. They started toward the center of campus and Davidson Square. "Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Do you think it's ridiculous to date a first-year? I'll be gone in one more year, and she'll be left in this bubble where things like money and careers don't matter. She'll probably find another guy in a heartbeat and live out some ridiculously normal college romance that I can't give her. Not with my family."

"No," she said immediately. "I don't think dating a first-year is ridiculous. If she means enough to you, you'll make it work."

"But?"

"But,"she said, nudging him in the arm. "It won't be normal. You have to be willing to fight your family's expectations to take what you want. So be sure."

"You think I'm bad for Jessie," he said softly.

"There's no escaping your family legacy, Ravi. Your family is the poster child for tech success, so all eyes are on you and the legacy you represent. The world we live in is oppressive, and it's privileged, and there are so many problems with the way money flows in this weird, incestuous way in wealthy families, but you are the person they're turning to as the next generation to make it better."

The thought of hurting Jessie in any way was painful. Every moment they spent together was like a gift because he felt like he could be himself. He didn't hide who he was or what he did because he knew that she didn't really care. And if he was dishonest with her, she would be pissed off, because she only wanted the truth.

Sahdna tucked her hands in her pockets and waited expectantly, with one hip cocked to the side.

"Jessie is doing me a favor by ignoring me," he said.

Sahdna sighed. "Maybe? Only you can decide that."

He should go home. Jessie was giving him the easy way out, and he should take it. But he needed to talk to her one more time. He needed to tell her how he felt at least once.

Ravi took out his phone and pulled up their message history. What had started as short exchanges about when to meet about the letters included memes and videos now. It included long messages about a love story that was over fifty years old, and what they would do if they were Divya and Christian. It included their hopes and dreams and thoughts about their families.

He sent a quick note and received a response almost immediately.

RAVI: Hey, where are you?

JESSIE: Why?

RAVI: Just tell me where you are.

JESSIE: In my dorm.

RAVI: Okay, I'm coming to see you.

JESSIE: What the hell? No! It's a freshman dorm with a ton of Desis.

Sahdna leaned over his arm to look at the screen. "Oh yeah, you can't go over there, Ravi. Tanvi said that Jessie is really private, and if anyone spots you together in the dorm, they'll hound her out of curiosity, and I bet she's not used to that attention."

"I don't understand why people can't just mind their own business."

"Why, when it's way more fun paying attention to everyone else?" Sahdna said.

A car drove by and honked at them. Sahdna waved. She always smiled and waved whenever strangers approached her. It was part of what made her a great influencer. He used to be the same way, but he was so tired of sharing every part of his life with anyone who wanted it.

JESSIE: I'll meet you outside. I was going to Common Grounds to get a late-night boba, anyway.

RAVI: Be there in ten. I can't believe you were going to walk alone at night again. It's like you have a death wish.

JESSIE: I'll be fine. See you in ten.

"What are you going to tell her?" Sahdna asked when she saw Jessie's message.

Ravi wasn't sure. He knew that the best thing for Jessie was to break it off. They weren't dating, even though he spent more time with her than he had with anyone else in his three years on campus. "I don't know," he said.

She was waiting on the sidewalk for him when he reached the freshman towers. She wore a thick sweatshirt with the university logo on it, her face was freshly washed, and she was scrolling on her phone.

"Hi," he said as he approached her.

"Hi," she replied. "What are you doing here?"

"I think we should probably talk."

Before he could say another word, a group of students poured out of the freshman towers' front entrance. He turned his back to them and reached into his pocket for a vape like he always did. The only problem was he had quit, and as hungry as his urges were, he wasn't going back. All of his vapes were in a bowl sitting on his kitchen counter. The cartridges were mostly empty, and in the last few weeks, he hadn't gotten another one.

"Why don't we start walking toward Common Grounds?" Jessie said. "That way, we can just get it out of the way, and I can grab my boba."

They had taken a few steps in the direction of Lafayette Street, where the coffee shop was open late.

"What do you mean ‘we can just get it out of the way'?" Ravi asked. He could feel his palms sweating, his heart pounding. He was way more nervous than he expected to be. Maybe because he knew that he was probably going to get rejected twice by the same woman.

She turned to face him now, her face illuminated by the streetlight. "I shouldn't have kissed you," she said in a rush. "I'm so sorry, I got caught up in the moment, and—"

"Why did you kiss me?" he asked.

"Because you're you!" she burst out. "Because you're actually a nice guy, even though you have every reason to be a self-centered asshole. Because you walk me home, even though you don't have to. And I bet you walk everyone else home, too, just because that's the kind of person you are. And because I really, really like you even though this is going nowhere, and—"

He took a step toward her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and lifted her on her toes. Then he leaned in and pressed a kiss to her mouth. It was as explosive and delicious as he remembered. The taste of her was as potent as a drug, and he couldn't get enough. Her mouth softened under his, and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

On the sidewalk, at night, in the chilly October evening, he felt safe with Jessie in his arms, and their mouths fused together.

When they pulled apart to catch their breath, Ravi rested his forehead against Jessie's and closed his eyes. "You're under my skin, Jessie Ahuja."

Her lips gently brushed his again as she spoke. "I have so much to lose, Ravi. We're doomed from the start. This can never work."

"It can while we're here," Ravi said. Then he kissed her again, this time deeper than the last. His tongue slipped inside her mouth, and she let out a small groan. Her fingers buried in the hair at the nape of his neck, and his hand tucked into the back pocket of her jeans. His body tensed in response to the way she strained against him.

"Hiding on the sixth floor doesn't change this," he said breathlessly when they pulled apart this time. They were pressed against each other, their arms pulling their bodies close and holding on like vises. He'd never felt like this before. Never wanted to feel like this before.

"I'm going to fall in love with you," she said, her voice shaking now, as if she was on the verge of tears. "I'm going to fall hard, and then we're going to hurt each other because we just don't make sense out in the real world. My family doesn't have the money yours does. I'll never go to fancy parties and fundraisers. I'll never meet the expectations of your parents. I'm not like Sahdna."

"None of that matters—"

"It does," she interrupted. "It does because if this gets in my head and it distracts me from my grades, I can lose my scholarship. I can lose sight of my goals. Of working extra hard to get the internship, and the job, and making the money to help my family so they don't have to work seven days a week. And if we do this anyway, despite the fact that we'll never have a future, my feelings for you will bruise and scar so deeply that I won't forget you until I'm far away from this place."

"You think that you won't hurt me the same way?" he burst out. "Jessie, I know that you have a lot to lose, but it wasn't until I met you that I started writing again. That I started dreaming. I am better because of you, and without you, I'll fade into the black-and-white world, the nonfiction existence that I had chosen to accept. But even with the possibility of this all going to shit, I'll take my chance." He then did something he had never done before. "Come back to my condo with me," he said. "Just ... let's talk. I want to be with you. In your company. For as long as it lasts. And I promise you, no, I swear to you, that I will do everything I can to make sure that I support you in getting to your goals. I won't stand in your way, I'll be cheering you on. Because that's how important you are to me."

"I've never been with anyone," she whispered. Her eyes filling with tears. "I've never had the chance. Not just like this ... but more. And god, Ravi, if I go back to your condo with you, I may want more. And then we'll just be even more complicated than we are."

He took a few even breaths at the thought of being naked with her, of holding her skin to skin and kissing the corners and grooves of her mouth, of her neck, of lacing his fingers through hers and pressing their joined hands against cool bedsheets. He knew that he'd been holding those images back for so long that he'd keep doing it if she wasn't ready. But he just wanted to be near her. That's what mattered. "If you're not ready, then I'll kiss you again, and walk you home," he said. He looked up at the freshman towers behind them. "Think about us. We're stronger than you think we are. I hope you trust me to believe that. And if you don't trust me tonight, then soon. Before school ends. No, before we finish reading the letters."

She was nodding before he even finished his sentence. "I trust you, Ravi. I trust you." There was a long pause; then her shoulders straightened. "Do you mean it?"

"Every word," he said immediately, then cocked his head and smiled. "But what are you talking about specifically?"

"That you'll ... cheer me on. That we're stronger together."

"Of course," he burst out. "Can't you feel it?" He took her hand and placed it in the center of his chest. His heart beat strong and fast. It beat for her.

The feel and rhythm under her palm seemed to relax her even more. "This is hard for me. And everything I said, I meant. But I think you might be right, too."

"What are you saying?"

She leaned into his arms. "Take me to your condo, Ravi. I want to be with you."

He could feel his pulse racing. His need for her and his need to protect her both pulled at his heart. He was supposed to be thinking about an internship, about becoming another productive tech bro. But all he could think about in this moment was being with Jessie. It was fate from the start, and he had to wonder if Christian felt the same way before his love disappeared in a raging fire.

"Let's go, then," he whispered, and kissed her again. "Let's go."