Chapter 11

Istare at the note as if it’s a snake that’s poised and ready to strike.

How the hell did he find me?

I’m not just talking about Apex. They may have known where this place is because of Cooper, or James given how they put a chip in him. But that doesn’t explain how they knew I was staying here with Greg or that this was my room.

Is someone watching me? It seems like the most logical answer, but I don’t think that’s it. Even if they had somehow managed to sneak onsite without being spotted, they wouldn’t have been able to hang around. None of the houses are hidden away. Though they’re not right next door to each other, they’re close enough that you can see each house when you look around outside.

No, if someone were lurking, they would have been noticed. But if nobody’s watching, then how does my father know where I am?

Wait, did they chip me too?

I grab my head, terror spiking through me, but I force myself to keep calm and use my brain.

I haven’t had any surgeries or unexplained accidents that required me to be knocked out. I doubt they would risk sticking something in my head that might mess with my gift. But if not that, then what?

I cross my arms over my chest and pause, glancing down at my left arm.

A year ago, my father insisted on me having a contraceptive implant. I scoffed, knowing I’d rather die a virgin than let anyone at the Division touch me. He made a nasty comment about doing what I was told because he would select a viable partner when it was time to breed me.

My horror turned to amusement after I’d thrown up all over his shoes. But after he’d left, I decided that a contraceptive at least meant he couldn’t force someone on me overnight. I’d have time to come up with an escape plan. Hopefully.

I open my eyes and curse. “That motherfucking motherfucker!” I’d bet a million dollars that it’s a tracking chip in my arm, not a contraceptive implant. My father’s gift doesn’t work on me, though he’s too stuck in his head to notice that. But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to good, old-fashioned manipulation. He knew the thought of getting pregnant by a stranger would have me throw any objections I had about getting the implant out the window.

I let my eyes fall closed as despair hits me. It was me. I’ve led them right to Apex’s front door. Everyone here said I couldn’t be trusted. I had no idea they’d be right in the end.

I hurry to the kitchen and grab a knife from the knife block. I press it to my bicep but stop. If he already knows I’m here, removing the chip is pointless.

Tossing the knife, I grip my hair and fight the urge to scream. Just when I thought I was fucking free.

Well, fuck him. Fuck them all. Even if I went back, he’d still come after Salem and the kids and probably kill the others in the process. I can’t let that happen.

I grip the counter and take a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. But it’s impossible. Impossible because I know there is only one option left.

I need to run far away from this place and The Lost Ones so that the Division chases after me and leaves everyone here alone. Tears stream down my cheeks at the thought of going. I won’t lie, the idea of being out there on my own is terrifying, but I won’t stand around and watch as he kills the people I’ve come to care about and the kids that are more mine than anyone else’s.

I don’t wipe my tears away, knowing it’s pointless—more will come. Instead, I make my way back to my bedroom and try to come up with a plan. How am I going to get out of here without being seen? I have no idea, but I have to try.

I’m not sure when the opportunity will arise, but I figure I should be ready to go at a moment’s notice.

Hurrying to Greg’s room, I search his closet for a bag and hit the jackpot when I find a backpack on the top shelf. I take it down and slip one of Greg’s sweatshirts inside. I didn’t pick many up when I went shopping, and I know I’ll need something to keep me warm.

I take the backpack to my room and add my meager belongings, including my toiletries from the bathroom. Once I get my stuff from the car, I’ll pack what I can and then wait for the right time to slip away.

Closing my eyes, I think of Alfie and what my leaving will do to him. I have to see him before I go. I have to make sure he knows how much I love him. God knows that if there was another way, I’d take it.

If it’s possible to feel your heart break, then that’s what I’m feeling right now. Trying to breathe is like inhaling a dozen tiny razor blades. The knowledge that I’m going to abandon them like every other adult in their life, even if it’s for the right reasons, is torturous, and I know that it will eat away at my soul until I can see them again. Even then, there are no guarantees. Their hearts will heal slowly, and they’ll move on. It won’t matter that I’ll carry them around with me like wounds. Maybe one day they’ll scab over, leaving a scar where I had to cut them out, but I will never forget them like they’ll forget me.

Maybe it’s for the best. In my mission to keep them safe, it never occurred to me that I might be the one putting them in danger. I’m my father’s property, even if I’m nothing but a giant disappointment. He won’t just leave me in what he perceives to be the enemy’s hands.

If I can draw him away and keep him busy hunting me, then maybe, just maybe, he’ll leave the others alone. He already knows what a formidable team Apex is. He might have numbers on his side, but he can’t afford the media exposure. It’s bad enough, in his eyes, that Astrid has come out to the world and admitted what she can do. Sure, there are some who are skeptical. But having people come forward who Astrid has helped has swayed people’s opinions of her. There is no fear, only curiosity. Of course, that wouldn’t be the case with all of us. Some people have gifts that will always be considered too dangerous. If people knew what I could do, they’d be horrified. They’d lock me up and throw away the key.

No, some secrets are better taken to the grave.

I hide the bag under the bed, making sure it’s hidden, before I make my way to the kitchen. I make half a dozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and grab some snacks that don’t need refrigerating, along with a few bottles of water and a couple of cans of soda. It’s going to make the bag heavy, but it’s something I’ll have to deal with, not knowing when and where I’ll find my next meal.

As I head back to my bedroom, I pass the knife block and hesitate, but I don’t take one, knowing Greg would notice right away. Instead, I rummage through the drawers until I find a small paring knife that will be easy to hide in my bag.

I carry everything back to my bedroom and lay it on the bed before dragging the bag out from under the bed and adding everything to it. There isn’t a huge amount of space left, so I’m glad the backpack is one of the large hiking kinds designed to carry a sleeping bag and a tent.

That makes me pause. I wonder if Greg has a sleeping bag. There is every chance I’m going to have to be sleeping outside. I’ll need something to protect me from the elements.

Shoving the bag back under the bed, I search Greg’s room but don’t find one. Disappointed, I’m about to give up when I check the closet where the towels and bedding are kept. And low and behold, there on the very top shelf is a sleeping bag.

It’s heavy-duty and will definitely take up most of the remaining space in the bag, but I know it’s something I can’t afford to do without. I leave it there for now, not wanting Greg to notice it’s missing. I head back to the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of juice as I try to decide the best time to leave.

It would be so easy to put it off for a few days, to delay leaving the people I love until the very last second, but every minute I stay brings them closer to danger.

A knock on the door has my head whipping around and panic washing over me. Do they know what I have planned? Did Bella see it? Shit, did I leave the bag out?

I set the glass down on the counter and hurry back to my bedroom, taking a relieved breath when I see that I didn’t leave it out. I shove the note under my pillow and take a deep breath. I fix my hair and smooth down my top as I walk to the door.

Shoring up my defenses, I plaster on a fake-as-fuck smile and yank the door open.

The smile falls off my face the second I see who’s there. Folding my arms over my chest, I look at Crew and Wilder warily.

“Yes?” Did they somehow know about the note? Shit, maybe Bella saw the note.

“We brought your things from the car, and we’d like to talk to you for a minute, if you don’t mind,” Wilder asks softly.

As much as I’d like to slam the door in their faces, I don’t. I’m hurt by what they said to my face and feel betrayed by what I heard them say behind my back. But with me leaving, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’ll never be anything but a stupid little girl to them, one that will be the downfall of Apex. As much as I hate them for saying it, given what I know now, I can’t deny it’s the truth.

Maybe in another time and place, things could have been different.

I shake my head and step back. Wishful thinking like that will only end up crushing me in the end, so I shut down that line of thought.

They might not trust me and think that I’m too young, too dangerous, or whatever it is they think of me. But they don’t know me, not one little bit. They have no idea the things I’ve seen or done or the things I’ve sacrificed. The truth hits me in the face as I let them in.

They’re the ones who don’t deserve me. I’m a good person, or I try to be. I treat everyone with kindness, and I don’t judge people, knowing what it’s like to be judged myself.

The realization boosts my confidence.

“Where do you want us to put this stuff? In your room?”

I absolutely do not want them in there, and it has nothing to do with the hidden bag and letter.

“Just put it on the floor over there.”

They look at each other as if in silent conversation before doing as I ask.

I put some space between us and head to the kitchen. “Do either of you want something to drink?”

“I’ll have a coffee,” Crew calls out.

“Same,” Wilder adds, making me sigh. Being polite sometimes sucks. Now I’ll have to make conversation while they drink.

I fiddle with the expensive coffee machine, trying to remember how to use it. Greg gave me a crash course this morning, but this thing looks like it could launch a rocket.

“Here, let me.”

I jump when Crew leans over me and takes over. I step out of the way, not wanting him to touch me. They might not be my favorite people, but that doesn’t mean that their touch doesn’t do something strange to my insides.

Before coming here, I’d never reacted to the opposite sex. I often wondered if I was broken or if my father’s people had done something to me, but all that went out the window when I laid eyes on Crew and Wilder. At first, I’d been terrified. My body was reacting in ways it never had before, and I didn’t like not being in control of it. I’d spent my whole life controlling my body’s responses yet a part of me wanted to give in and let them take over.

“Do you want one?” He looks over his shoulder at me.

“Um, sure. A cappuccino would be great.” I’m not about to admit that coffee is still new for me, so I’ve mostly stuck to the milky ones.

I pull out a chair at the table and place my hands in front of me as Wilder takes a seat. Silence fills the room, and there is nothing comfortable about it. By the time Crew places our coffees on the table, I’m ready to jump out of my skin.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” I ask, unable to wait any longer.

“We wanted to apologize,” Wilder starts.

I look from him to Crew, and they both look genuine. I should feel relieved, but instead, I feel sad. If I hadn’t heard what I did this morning, I might have been convinced they were truly remorseful. I hate that I can’t trust my judgment when it comes to them. Their golden good looks must have short-circuited my brain. But it doesn’t matter how appealing they are on the outside; their insides leave a lot to be desired.

Raised around liars and manipulators, I thought I could easily recognize them anywhere. I just never factored in my traitorous body.

“Apologies accepted,” I lie, hoping they’ll leave now.

Crew frowns, and Wilder looks like he is trying to figure me out. Good luck with that. I can’t even figure myself out right now.

“We were out of line last night,” Wilder adds, reaching across the table for my hands, but I move them and slip them into my lap.

“You were worried about your family. It’s fine. I worry about mine all the time.” I close my eyes and curse, realizing how that sounds. “I mean the kids, not my father. I don’t care what happens to him.”

“Hey, you don’t need to explain. We get it. We reacted in the heat of the moment. But after thinking about it, we realized we were being dicks. You haven’t done anything to deserve the way we treated you, and we’ve done nothing to earn your trust. Of course you weren’t just going to come in and spill your guts out to us.” Crew shakes his head.

“I’m sure our reaction was exactly why you held back.”

“Maybe partly, but the other part of me just doesn’t think of that man as my father. And he’s never treated me like his daughter. Some of his DNA was used to make me, that’s it. Otherwise, he’s just another man I love to hate.”

Wilder frowns at me. “Did he hurt you?”

I look at him and bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from laughing. Is he joking right now?

“It’s not really any of your business. Thank you for your apology, but saying sorry doesn’t suddenly make us friends. It’s not going to make me spill my secrets or open up to you about my childhood. Like you said, you haven’t given me any reason to trust you. And I’ll be damned if I give you my past to weaponize and use against me in the future.”

“Fuck, Lara, that’s not what this is.” Crew runs his fingers through his hair, agitated. “We want to get to know you better, and maybe we can be friends.”

I want to scream at him, but I’m too busy fighting back tears. I’ve been lied to a million times, so I have no idea why his lies hurt me so much more than the ones that came before. As resistant to the idea as I am, the harder I fight it, the more they’re going to push. And that’s only going to encourage them to hang around. That’s the last thing I want right now. It’s going to be hard enough as it is to sneak out of here, but it will be impossible if these guys are following me around trying to change my opinion of them.

“Okay, fine. We can be friends, but we need to take it slow. I’m not comfortable being around you both one-on-one right now.”

Wilder looks as if I’ve hit him. “We would never hurt you.”

“Physically, I know. But mentally…” I shake my head. “I’ve been through enough,” I tell them, and it’s the truth. “I’m trying to heal, trying to sift through all the negativity that has been thrown at me all my life and figure out my self-worth. And I can’t do that around you.” I hold up my hand to stop either of them from saying anything else.

“You know the saying: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me? Well, there have been many times I would rather have been punched in the face than belittled by someone who was supposed to care about me.”

“We won’t let anyone hurt you,” Crew snarls.

I touch my temple and offer him a small smile that I know is full of sadness and regret. “They’re in my head. Every time I close my eyes, I hear a dozen voices telling me how worthless I am. I need to learn how to make my voice louder so I can drown out my father’s.”

“We can help you with that,” Wilder jumps in.

“I have to do it on my own. It’s important to me.”

“I get it,” Wilder says softly.

Crew looks at him and blows out a breath. “I don’t, but I’ve always had friends to lean on.”

I flinch at that, making him curse.

“Fuck, that’s not what I meant.” He stands up and walks around the table before squatting down beside me and taking my hand in his. “What I meant was that I’ve never had the weight of the world placed solely on my shoulders. I’ve always had someone in my corner who could back me up if I needed it or pull me out if I got into trouble. You’ve only had yourself to rely on. That already makes you stronger than you think.”

Part of me wants to believe him. I want to let his words soak into my skin and ease the constant ache. But I can’t. I don’t know how much of what he’s saying is the truth and how much is just part of his plan to get closer to me to pump me for information.

I slip my hand free from his and offer him a quick smile. “Thank you,” I say, and reach for my coffee so he can’t grab my hand again and take a sip.

He watches me for a moment before sighing and standing back up and walking to his seat.

We’re all quiet for a moment, lost in thought and unsure of what to say.

“You want to come back over and have dinner? Salem is making spaghetti and meatballs at Delaney’s request. And let me tell you, they are fucking amazing.”

I think about it. It will give me a chance to spend some time with the kids. I swallow around a lump in my throat and nod.

“Yeah, that sounds good. Can I meet you there? I want to take a shower and put my things away first.”

“I mean, we’re happy to wait—” Crew says, but I’m already shaking my head. No. Not just no, but hell no. There is no way I’m getting naked while those two are here.

“I really do need a moment. I had a lot of fun today with Oz and Greg, but I’m not used to it. I just need to have a little quiet time before I jump back into the chaos that is an Apex dinner.”

Wilder chuckles. “That’s fair. We’ll let everyone know you’re coming.” He stands, Crew following suit.

“We’ll take our coffees with us.”

“Okay, well, thanks for stopping by and apologizing.” As hard as it is for me to say, I am glad there is some sort of closure between us. This awkwardness is most likely all there will ever be between us, but it’s better than the alternative. I know they’ll all be mad when I run. Hell, I’m sure some of them will think I ran back to my father and filled him in on everything I know about Apex. There isn’t anything I can do about that. I just don’t want everyone to hate me. I feel pathetic even thinking about it. What does it matter, though? Heck, I might not even survive. Just because my father found a use for me before doesn’t mean he will now. I left him and took the kids with me. He’ll punish me for sure if he catches me. But will it stop at that? Or will he decide I’m more trouble than I’m worth and just get rid of me for good?

Knowing the risks doesn’t change anything. If it keeps the kids safe, then I’m more than willing to be the sacrificial lamb. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to make it easy for him.

“Lara?” Crew calls my name, making me jump.

“Sorry, I was thinking.” I stand and follow them to the door.

Wilder opens it and steps outside. Crew moves to follow but pauses beside me. He turns and looks down at me before he dips his head and kisses my forehead.

“I know we have a lot to make up for, but thanks for giving us a chance.”

I suck in a sharp breath and nod, managing to close the door behind them before the first tear falls.

It might all be an act, but my foolish heart doesn’t care.