Chapter 29

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

HER — BEFORE

I never knew I was into girls until Ellie and I started spending more time together. I guess I’ve always found them attractive, as in celebrities, but I’ve never met a woman in real life that I’m attracted to in the way that I found her attractive.

Of course, she’s married, and I’m dating Cal, but it’s something I’m becoming increasingly aware of as we spend more time together. Which is why, when she kisses me out of the blue one day, everything changes.

I had no idea if she felt the same, no idea if I was being completely delusional about our chances, about the meaning behind her lingering looks.

The minute she leans in, I think she’s going to get a fuzz from my hair or something, but instead, her eyes close. When our lips touch, it’s as if the entire world opens up, like I’m seeing color for the first time. We’ve been seeing each other every day after class, and yes, I’ve been coming every day rather than weekly like before, but until now, I could tell myself it was just because I finally had a friend after so long of feeling alone. And that was mostly true.

I’ve always thought of sexuality as being fluid. Like for the right person, nearly everyone could swing to one end of the spectrum or the other, but that has never been more clear for me than with Ellie.

We’re standing outside of the acai bowl shop, preparing to hug before we walk away like we always do, and her lips are on mine as all thoughts seem to halt. Nothing else matters at this moment, nothing else exists. Not Cal or her husband or school or our age difference or the fact that this is all new to me. There is only one single thought running through my mind— so this is what it’s supposed to feel like.

The kiss—like most perfect things—ends too soon, bringing us crashing back down to reality.

She covers her mouth. “Oh my god, Sadie. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have?—”

“No,” I cut her off. “I mean, yes, you’re probably right, you shouldn’t have, but…” I touch my lips, the lingering feeling of hers still on my skin. “It’s okay. I…I liked it.”

She smiles. “I’ve never done that before.”

“Me either,” I admit.

“We probably shouldn’t do it again.”

“Probably not.”

She smiles again. “But I kind of want to.”

“Me too.” My throat is dry as her hand skates up the flesh of my arm.

“Can I walk you to your car?”

I know what she’s really asking. I know that if she walks me to my car, it’ll happen again. That it might never stop happening. That this might be both the beginning of something amazing and the end of everything I knew. I know I should tell her no until I talk to Cal. And still, I hear myself saying, “Yes.”

As I walk into her class the next day, a tablespoon of worry sits in the deepest part of my gut. I’m not sure what I’m worried about, though—that she’ll regret what happened, that I’ll regret it somehow, or that I might be ruining what I have with Cal.

The truth is, I like them both. Cal has been kind to me. He’s charming and charismatic and smart. He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of in a partner.

But Ellie is…Ellie. She listens to me. She gets me in a way I’ve never really been understood before. She’s funny and beautiful, and I relate to her on a deeper level than I do Cal. It’s just a fact.

As I find my way to my bike, I’m holding my breath. She’s up near the front chatting with a few of the other women, and I wonder if maybe we’ll just pretend the whole thing never happened. Maybe coming back here was a mistake.

Then, like a magnet, her eyes find mine. I can’t look away as she excuses herself and slips away from the women, her smile lighting up the room.

She’s effortlessly confident in a way that will forever make me jealous. As she moves toward me, my heart swells, and I wait for her to look away or seem nervous at all, but there’s no hint of it.

She stops next to my bike, her lips curving into a bright smile. “Hi.”

“Hi.” My voice is breathless and whiny. I’m nervous. I’m so incredibly nervous.

“I, um, I didn’t know if you’d come back.”

I take a sip of my water for something to do. Something to fill the awkward air. “I didn’t know if I would either,” I finally admit.

She bounces up on her tiptoes. “I’m really glad you did.” For the first time, she looks almost as nervous as I feel, all the confidence I saw moments ago wiped away.

I can’t fight the grin. “I am too.”

Her gaze trails down my body. “You look great, by the way. I love those leggings.”

“Thanks.” I shrug. “They’re from Target.”

She chews her bottom lip. “So, listen, I was wondering if you wanted to go out again after this.” I hesitate, and she adds, “I know things are complicated, and you’re dating someone, and I’m married, so all of this is very wrong, but…” She tucks a loose piece of blonde hair behind her ear. “I haven’t been happy in my marriage in a long time. I think you know that. I don’t want to bring you in the middle of my drama, but I’m going to leave him.”

Every muscle in my chest tightens.

“I decided it before I got to know you, but it’s taken some time to say it out loud, even to myself.” She shakes her head. “I know it’s weird timing, and you can totally say no, and we can still be friends—or not, if that’s not cool with you—but I’d really hate to miss out on whatever this is.”

Still, I don’t say anything. I can’t. It’s as if my brain has short-circuited. Yesterday, what we did was wrong. I know that. But I thought it was forbidden. An affair. Something hot and illicit that we’d both forget about in a week or two. Today she’s telling me it could be real. That we could be real if I want this.

My throat is suddenly too dry. I gulp down water as the music from the front of the class starts, telling us it’s time for our workout to begin.

When I close my water bottle, she’s still waiting, patient as ever. “You can take some time to think about it, if you need to.”

I nearly nod. Every muscle in my neck contracts to get ready for it, but instead, I reach for her hand to stop her from walking away. “I don’t need to think,” I say finally. Her eyes widen as I drop her hand. “I don’t know what this is either, or if it will amount to anything, but I want to find out, too.”

“Yeah?” Her bright smile sends a wave of relief through me.

“I’d love to go out again.” Go out. Those words are a confirmation this is happening. I’m agreeing to go on a date with a woman. I want to date a woman. This woman.

She presses her lips together, appearing pleased. “Then it’s a date.”

“It’s a date,” I confirm.

Warmth spreads through me like spilled hot tea as she walks away, breaking eye contact at the last possible second before she reaches the front of the room.

I have no idea what this is, and I hate that I’ll have to hide it from Cal, but I do want to explore this. I want to know if my feelings for Ellie are real and if they might be stronger than my feelings for Cal.

As she welcomes us to class, her eyes find mine again, like they can’t resist. Like she’s as drawn to me as I am to her.

I feel the matching flush of her cheeks on my own, and before the workout begins, my heart has already picked up speed.

Two weeks later, the nausea begins. I think I have the flu at first, or that I’m especially stressed about finals, but no amount of nausea medicine seems to ward off the vomiting.

When Cal suggests I take a pregnancy test, I nearly laugh him off the couch. It’s a ridiculous notion. Not only because we’ve always used protection, but because we’ve only slept together a handful of times and…it just can’t be possible.

But it is. The moment that test flashes positive, my life implodes before my eyes. The future I saw for myself at eight this morning is no longer the one available. I had plans to see Ellie. Plans to figure out what all of this means, but now…I have no idea what I’m going to do.

There are options, of course. I never wanted children, but suddenly knowing the universe has other plans, I don’t know. It’s like I don’t recognize myself.

When Cal suggests we keep the baby, there’s a gentle tug inside of me. Something crying yes that I don’t fully understand. Saying yes to his proposal is both the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s crazy. We hardly know each other, but he’s kind. He’s handsome. He takes care of me. He has a stable job. It’s better than most men I know. And if he’s ready for this…I guess I can be, too.

I guess I should be.

That night in bed, I text Ellie to let her know it’s over, that I can’t do this anymore and won’t be back to spin class, and then I block her number, too terrified to see her response.

Too terrified that, if given the chance—if she asked me to—I might be tempted to throw it all away to be with her instead.