Chapter 19

CHAPTER

19

LINDSEY

Present day

"SHE WAS GONE. I never saw where she went or what happened." Ryan looked around like he was still searching for her after all these years, expecting her to come through the door. "I should have gone over as soon as I saw her. I should have punched that old perv in the face and kissed my girl and told her that it was okay, that I still loved her, but I was so mad and so drunk … at that moment, I hated her. She broke my heart. I got out to speak to her, but when she didn't come back, I just … left. I panicked."

I was silent, trying to piece together everything I knew and everything that was missing.

"I should have stayed, I know that," Ryan said, his tone filled with crushing guilt. "I've always blamed myself. I imagine her sometimes. She's always there, by the house, dying. And I sat in my car like an asshole waiting while she suffered." He let out a choked cry. "And then I left. God, if I had only gotten out and gone over there, maybe I could have saved her."

I couldn't look at him. Of course, I couldn't remember seeing him. I had been too consumed with finding my sister because she shouldn't have been gone that long.

I wondered how differently things would have been if Ryan had gone to check on her. If he had knocked on the door and let us know as soon as he realized Jess was gone. If he'd broken up the fight between my sister and Dr. Daniels. But whatever had happened, it wasn't Ryan's fault. He hadn't hurt her. He had loved her. And he had spent his whole adult life trying to find her to make up for what he should have done back then.

"So, Dr. Daniels murdered Jess," I said, more to myself than to either of the men standing beside me.

Perhaps it was insensitive of me to blurt it out, but I was done trying to be gentle with everyone's feelings. This story was anything but gentle.

Ryan's shoulders tightened. "I've always thought so. He was a creep. He preyed on those women. They looked up to him because he was their teacher. He chose women who were vulnerable. Women who wouldn't fight him. Jess and I saw him with Phoebe and with Meghan. And I know he was making a move on Jess. But that school protects its own. It has protected him for decades. Rather than doing the right thing and turning him in, they covered everything up."

"That's what Daisy said, too." I chewed on my bottom lip. "So why did he murder Jess? How did it go from him trying to sleep with her to killing her? And the other girls, too. What made him take that leap?"

Dad was standing there, silently listening. I couldn't get a read on what he was thinking. He was being surprisingly quiet as Ryan and I discussed the details of his daughter's possible murder.

"Everyone said Tammy showed up to his office threatening to tell his wife. Maybe the others did the same thing," Ryan suggested.

I paced the hallway, a sinking feeling in my stomach. I was close, but I was missing something important.

Jessica:

I rushed down the stairs as Dr. Daniels closed his car door. I glanced over my shoulder. I could see Lindsey's face in the window. I smiled at her and made a shooing motion. I could see her laugh and then she turned, distracted by something inside.

"Jessica."

I shivered.

"I told you, I didn't want you to come." I approached my teacher, seeing him for the selfish, entitled bastard he really was. He didn't care that he was destroying his daughter's life. He only cared about getting what he wanted from me.

Dr. Daniels reached out and grabbed my arms, pulling me close. This wasn't slow and steady, this was fast and treacherous.

"And I told you it didn't matter what you wanted." He leaned in close to me, his breath melding with mine. "I know you want it. Admit it."

He wanted me to give him permission. He wanted me to succumb. But I was a different woman now than I had been that morning. I was no longer weak like Phoebe or Tammy. I was nothing like Meghan.

I pulled away from him with a cruel laugh. "What's wrong with you that you have to pant after a woman twenty years younger than you? Are you not getting it at home or something?"

Dr. Daniels looked shocked. He wasn't expecting my savagery. "Jessica, it has nothing to do with—you're special. You're—"

"Different? Unique? One of a kind?" I spat out. "Give me a break." I crossed my arms over my chest as I regarded him with a loathing I didn't bother to hide. "It amazes me that other women fall for this crap. I bet Tammy ate it up with a spoon."

At the mention of Tammy, Dr. Daniels went still. "I don't know what you're talking about …"

"Stop it. I'm not your wife. You don't need to lie to me. Everyone knows you and Tammy were sleeping together. You screwed in her dorm room, Clement." I rolled my eyes. "I know about them all. Phoebe, too, and Meghan. And so many others … but not me. You'll never have me."

Dr. Daniels had gone deathly pale. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I know enough to tell the police. I wonder what that detective would say if I told him all about this." I waved a hand between us. "How you tried to get me to sleep with you."

Dr. Daniels stared at me incredulously, and I laughed.

"The school might have protected you, but I wonder if the police would be so quick to dismiss it. Especially with all those missing girls." I crossed my arms and glared at him.

Dr. Daniels was backing up toward his car. "You need to shut your mouth."

"Or maybe I should give your wife a call."

Gone was the kind, self-assured man I was used to. He recognized the danger and was trying to make his exit. "No one will believe you over me. If you try to tell anyone, I won't be the one to get into trouble." His threat was weak, and maybe if I was any other woman it would have affected me. I, however, had nothing left to lose.

When I didn't respond he seemed satisfied that I would keep my mouth shut. Probably already thinking of the next stupid girl he had his sights on. "I can see I was wrong about you. Goodbye, Jessica."

I watched him drive away so fast, his tires squealed, giving away his lack of confidence.

I should have found some grim amusement at that, but it did little to alleviate the empty nothingness inside of me.

With heavy steps I made my way over to my car and popped the trunk. Inside sat the three tiered birthday cake my mom had ordered from a local bakery for Lindsey's party. I reached down to lift it up …

"Jess."

"So these girls threaten to out him and he what? Hits them over the head and drives them out to Doll's Eye Lake?" I was trying to put everything together, but it didn't feel right.

"Possibly. Jess and I even saw him out at the lake once. He definitely knew the area. Though …" He hesitated. "I hate to give this guy any benefit of the doubt, but surely there had to be a better way for him to keep them quiet than offing them. It always seemed like a huge risk for a guy who was big on protecting his own ass." He scowled at my Dad, and if looks could kill, my father would have been six feet under. "Though, it's hard to get into the mind of a perv. Maybe you can clue us in on how they think."

"That's enough," Dad snapped, making a move toward Ryan as if he were going to swing at him.

"Stop it, Dad." Then I turned to Ryan. "And enough with the insults already, it's not solving anything." Ryan had the sense to look chastised.

I rubbed my forehead, trying to think. "So Dr. Daniels comes to the house and what? Kills her right there?" It wasn't making any sense.

"They were arguing," Dad whispered, more to himself than to us.

Ryan and I shared a look. "What was that, Dad?"

Dad looked startled, as if he hadn't realized he had spoken aloud. "It's nothing—"

"It's not nothing. It sounds like you overheard something," Ryan barked with impatient frustration.

I held a hand up, silencing Ryan. "Tell me, Dad. What did you hear?"

"You don't understand," Dad said, backing away. "She was a mess. Then that man swooped in and scrambled her head. She wasn't seeing straight." He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and let out a wail that terrified me.

"Dad …"

My father held out his arms, keeping me at bay. "Stop, Lindsey. Don't touch me. This is all my fault."

Jessica:

"Jess."

My dad came around from the side of the house. I knew he wanted to speak to me and I had intended on trying to avoid him as much as possible. At this point, what was there left to say?

"Hi, Dad." Derision dripped from my lips. My revulsion hit him like a sledgehammer. It began to overpower the love that still simmered there, bubbling away under the surface.

"Who was that?" he asked softly, carefully, like he was worried I might break.

"No one," I answered, my hand still on the lid of the trunk. I didn't want to look at him.

"Are you seeing that man?" I continued to ignore him. "Answer me," he hissed.

I finally turned to him, coming around the side of the car. I looked back at the house, relieved that Lindsey was still somewhere else, far away from this.

"So what if I am?"

"He's too old for you …" His words trailed off as we both felt the hypocrisy of them.

"I guess I have Daddy issues," I taunted. The gloves had finally come off. I was no longer my father's little girl. I was a full grown woman, and I was angry.

Dad took me by the arm, pulling me toward the garage where he pushed me inside, slamming the door behind him. "Haven't you put me through enough?" he entreated with so much agony it gave me pause.

But then I remembered everything that had happened. Everything I had done.

Everything that led to this one awful moment.

"Of course, Dad, make this all about you," I challenged.

"This is about me, right? Isn't that what you've been telling me for months?" He wanted to yell, but he couldn't. Because then Mom would overhear him and what would he tell her?

What lies would he invent to cover us both?

"Yes, Dad. You're right. It is all your fault."

I hated him so much. No, I hated how much I didn't hate him.

"Jess, please," he begged, his pain almost visceral. "I miss you. I miss us. Please …"

I couldn't help it.

I couldn't stop myself.

For all of my rage, there was still so much love, no matter how much I wished there wasn't. Seeing him upset physically hurt me.

I wrapped my arms around him and started crying. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I needed my dad.

He stood like a statue for a long, endless moment before his arms came up to encircle me.

"Shh, Jess. I'll take care of this," he cooed and I wanted to have faith in his promise.

For the first time in a long time, I let myself believe him.

Lindsey:

I stared at my dad in shocked confusion. "I don't understand …"

"I saw him leave," Dad said with a heavy sigh. "I knew what was going on. How she was doing this to hurt me. She made it clear it was always about what I did."

He winced like the words were difficult to say. I knew this was the pivotal moment in this sordid story, and yet now I was more puzzled than ever.

I didn't need to ask what he had done. I had read the police interview. His crimes were clear.

"So you left," I said to Ryan, and he nodded, "and Dr. Daniels left …"

My hands started to shake. The connections weren't coming fast enough, yet I knew …

I knew …

"Dad?"

I stared at my father, seeing his heartache and grief with fresh, wide open eyes. It had been there all along, I just hadn't seen it.

I hadn't seen him.

"I loved her so much," he wiped his tears away. "I did everything I could to protect her, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't stop things from going too far. I wasn't there when she really needed me. And there are things I couldn't fix, no matter how hard I tried."

"What do you mean things went too far?" I whispered.

Dad took a shaky breath. "It's all my fault. She told me that's why it happened—"

"What did you do to her?" Ryan yelled. He dove toward my dad, shoving me out of the way to get to him. I fell to the side, watching in paralyzed horror as Ryan crashed into my dad, slamming him against the wall. Framed pictures fell and shattered to the floor. Ryan gripped my father by the front of his shirt, shaking him violently.

"What did you do to her?" he roared. This was the inconsolable rage of a heartbroken man.

My dad wasn't putting up any sort of fight. He seemed to curl into himself, muttering the same words over and over again.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Ryan released him and staggered away. He looked at me, our alarm mirroring each other's.

Dad seemed so small. A shell of the man I thought he was.

"I loved your sister," he began and I wished I could block him out. I had been obsessed with finding out what happened to Jess. But now, faced with the blossoming truth, I was too terrified to hear it. A part of me wanted to go back to being the oblivious woman with a life full of unanswered questions. That would have been easier.

"She was everything to me," Dad continued. "But she was so very, very broken, Lindsey. In ways you can't even begin to understand."