Chapter 17

CHAPTER

17

JESSICA

April 23, 1999

The Day of the Birthday Party

EVERYTHING WAS FALLING apart.

I got the official letter telling me the school had put me on academic suspension. I wouldn't be able to return in the fall. I would have to complete any outstanding work for my current classes and then undergo a formal hearing before I'd be allowed to resume my studies in the spring.

How was I going to tell my parents?

I knew my mother's reaction would be extreme. But I couldn't summon the energy to care.

School no longer felt important. Grades didn't matter.

Because every decision I had made since coming to Southern State University was coming together to destroy me.

I packed my duffel bag, throwing items in, barely paying attention to what they were.

To my relief, Daisy wasn't there. Since our argument, she had been spending the night elsewhere.

I knew she didn't trust me. Didn't believe a word I said.

I didn't blame her.

I picked up the torn sheet of paper where I had written an address down after Dr. Daniels—Clement—had given it to me.

Was I really going to do this?

Was I really going to meet up with my professor outside of school and do … what?

I was sick and tired of my actions being dictated by selfish men. Every bad thing in my life had to do with their wants and desires consuming me.

I put my hand in my pocket to feel for the ring I always carried, only to remember it was no longer there. It was gone forever. My skin felt naked without it, but also free.

There was a knock at the door. I dropped the paper on my desk and covered it with a book.

I opened the door and had to swallow a groan. Ryan stood in the hallway looking like he hadn't slept in a week.

"Why won't you call me back? We were supposed to meet yesterday, but you never showed up." He looked lost and confused, and I understood why. I had been avoiding him. "Have I done something to piss you off?"

I wanted to tell him to leave. I didn't have the energy to fight right now, and that's what he seemed to be gearing up for. It's what we did, after all. But there would be no making up this time.

I felt a deep, conflicted sadness at the realization that our relationship had run its course.

I already mourned its death.

"I was busy," I lied. The truth was I had been with Dr. Daniels trying to figure out a way to save my life.

"I thought things were good between us, Jess. What changed?" His words became a challenge, the volume rising.

I couldn't tell him that he was getting too close. That every day it became harder and harder to keep my secrets from him. To hold things back.

I loved Ryan. I knew that with bone deep certainty. And that love meant the end of us.

"Stop being so clingy. It's not cute," I snapped cruelly.

Hurt flashed across his face and I wished, with everything I had, I could take the words back. I had never spoken to him like that before. But it was too late. The first shot had been fired.

I had forgotten how to be the version of Jess I had been before. I was morphing into someone else entirely.

Ryan picked at his thumbnail. "Can I at least come in so we can talk—?"

"No, I said I was busy. And I really don't have time for all this, Ryan. I'm trying to get my stuff together so I can go home." I pulled the door closed behind me, stepping into the hall.

"Are you sure you want to go home? Especially after the argument with your dad?" He was so concerned, I almost wavered.

"You don't know a thing about my dad."

"I know how much you hate him. You've made that clear enough."

I rolled my eyes. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"You're the one who told me about—" he dropped his voice low, "him sleeping with those young women."

My face heated up. I wanted to scream at my lack of restraint.

"Jess, you said you were scared."

Why had I told Ryan so much? This is why he was dangerous. It was too easy to tell him things he had no right to know.

"Shut up about that," I hissed, letting some of my anger show itself. "It's none of your business."

Ryan looked taken aback. "What the hell, Jess?"

I pushed him toward the stairwell. "You need to leave. I have too much to do and I'm not in the mood to fight with you right now."

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on," he insisted.

"I need you to go, Ryan." I was practically begging him. I needed him gone. I needed him to stop asking questions. "Please go. I want some space right now."

Ryan continued to stand there, clearly not sure what to do. With a huff of annoyance, I started down the stairs, knowing that he would follow me. Outside, I stopped in the middle of the quad in front of Westwood Hall. I realized with a twinge of regret that we stood in the same spot where we had our first kiss all those months ago.

That had been the first indication of how deluded I had been. To think I was capable of a normal relationship. A normal life.

"What's going on with you?" Ryan demanded. He grabbed my arm, his fingers digging into my skin. It hurt. I relished the pain. "Tell me why you're doing this to me." His voice cracked. His pain evident.

"I'm not doing anything—"

"Were you with him?" Ryan suddenly shouted. We had the full attention of everyone walking by.

"Who are you talking about?' I asked, but I knew exactly what he was asking me.

"Dr. Daniels. You've been ditching me constantly to see him."

I snorted. "For tutoring, Ryan. Are you serious?"

A couple walked by, their watchful eyes on us. I noticed my former pledge sister Erica on the other side of the quad not even trying to be discreet as she watched us.

Ryan let go of my arm and I instantly missed the feel of his touch, even in anger. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to act this way. I love you so much, Jess. I want us to be okay and I feel like we're definitely not okay and I want to know why."

The first tears started to fall and I couldn't stop them. "Ryan, I'm sorry. I'm not the person you think I am."

Ryan reached for me again, tenderly this time, the anger leaching out of him as he wiped my cheeks. "What are you talking about? You're the best person I know."

I shook my head and pulled away. "Stop it. You're making this harder than it needs to be. I'm not good enough for you. I never will be."

He finally caught on to what was happening. He looked distressed. "Jess, come on—"

"I'm sorry." I shook my head.

"Jess, please."

"We're done, Ryan. This is over." I took a step back, putting the necessary distance between us. "I can't do it anymore."

"Baby, don't. I have no idea why you're doing this, but you love me. I know you do." I hated the sound of his desperation. It broke my heart. It made me feel worse than I already did.

"You don't know a thing about how I feel," I snarled. "You don't even know me."

"I do—"

"You have no idea who I am!" I yelled.

Ryan's expression darkened. "What the hell, Jess?"

"Just go. Stay away from me, Ryan." I turned away, hoping he got the message. I couldn't bear to look at him anymore. It hurt too much.

He was quiet for a long time. I knew he was debating how to proceed. Part of me wanted him to fight for me. Part of me wanted him to leave and never look back—it would be better for both of us.

"You'll regret this, Jess. I swear to God, you're going to regret this." And then, finally, I heard him walk away.

My knees could barely support me as I hurried back to my room.

I wanted to sob into my pillow. I wanted to scream and smash everything I owned. My rage had no outlet. It needed direction before I made another horrible mistake.

I had ruined everything. He had ruined everything.

I gasped, feeling short of breath. My grief and anger were all-consuming. I was a pitiful mess. I had destroyed everything and there was no way back from that, but perhaps I could change my course.

I picked up the phone and dialed a number.

It rang once before he answered.

"Dr. Daniels's office."

"Hi, Clement." I breathed heavily into the phone.

"Jessica. What can I do for you?" He sounded surprised. I liked being able to throw him off balance.

"I can't see you later. I'm not …" I hesitated. "I'm not interested in whatever you think this is."

There, I had said it.

There was silence on the other end. I thought for a second he had hung up.

"Jessica." He said my name again, but this time it felt like a warning.

"I can't, Clement. It's not right. I can't do that to your wife. To your kids—"

"Don't," he cut me off with a note of finality. "Don't bring them into this."

"But they are in this, don't you get that?" My voice had a note of pleading. I was trying to get him to see reason. Maybe I could stop all this once and for all.

I thought of his daughter with her pink ball and pigtails.

She deserved better.

Just as I had.

"My family has nothing to do with this," he snapped. "Now listen to me. You started this, and I expect you to follow through." My jovial, charming teacher was gone. This was a man that meant to get what he wanted.

"I won't."

"Don't play coy with me, Jessica."

"What if I told her—your wife? What would you do then?" I was playing with fire, I knew that. But I couldn't stop myself. I had no sense of self-preservation.

"Don't even think about doing something so stupid. Who would believe you anyway?" he snarled.

"Clement—Dr. Daniels—this can't happen."

Then he laughed, his anger replaced by bemusement. "You think you have any say in that? I know you received your letter about your academic suspension. What if I were to tell you I can make that go away?"

"What?" Was he serious? He was obviously changing tactics, trying to find my weakness.

"I don't like being strung along, Jessica. In fact, it really pisses me off," he growled low in my ear. I felt a shiver of fear. "So, give me your parents' address. I'll pick you up there. This will work out well for both of us." He wasn't asking. The days of him playing nice were clearly over.

"What if someone sees you?" My mouth had gone dry.

"No one will see a thing," he promised.

"I don't want to." I tried one last time to end this.

"I don't really care what you want." His voice was darkly calm.

His words were final. His meaning clear.

I hung up the phone.

Things were spiraling fast.

I needed to get away. I grabbed my duffel bag and left.