Chapter 15

CHAPTER

15

JESSICA

Mid April 1999

THE WALL S WERE closing in on me. I had no room to move. No way to escape.

Daisy was barely talking to me—not since the day the police had questioned her about her ID. I didn't dare ask her why. I didn't want to hear the truth.

I was dangerously close to losing everything.

Daisy had her headphones on while she worked on a paper for art history. I might as well not be there.

The phone rang, but I couldn't bring myself to pick it up.

When I didn't answer, Daisy finally stopped and gave me an irritated look. She answered it with a chirpy, "hello?"

Then she held out the receiver. "It's for you. Not sure why you didn't answer it." She wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Thanks," I muttered, taking the phone from her.

"Jessica," he said my name with a smile I could almost see.

"Hi." I turned my back to my roommate, though I knew she was listening. She hadn't put her headphones back on.

"I'm checking everything is still set for Friday," Dr. Daniels said.

"Yeah." I clenched the phone to stop my hand from shaking. Dr. Daniels had finally requested to see me off campus . This had been building for weeks. It wasn't a race to the finish line like I expected. When I pictured this, I hadn't expected how gradually this man would sink beneath my skin. It actually took me by surprise. And even though I thought I was prepared, I had been almost seduced by his gentle persuasion.

Dr. Daniels hadn't kissed me or touched me beyond brief moments of fingers on skin. He was subtle. He was shrewd. There were only a few occasions when he made his true objective known. The rest of the time he was 100% professional.

It was then, when you could convince yourself you were imagining things, that he was most dangerous.

He told me to meet him this Friday. When I said I was going home for the weekend for my sister's birthday, he suggested we see each other beforehand. He explained he lived in Mt. Randall, not far from the lake where I spent so much time with Dad growing up. He wanted to spend some time with me, away from school, so we could "really relax." He said I had earned it.

What he meant was he had earned it.

He had put in the time and he aimed to collect.

Dr. Daniels had been helping me keep it together because I was failing everything. Barely holding on by my fingertips. If it wasn't for him, I would have already been kicked out. I felt a sense of obligation toward him that he had been meticulously grooming.

"I'm looking forward to it. I hope you are, too." His voice dropped and I felt it. The second when things between us crossed a line.

Is this how Tammy felt? Phoebe? Meghan? Had they vibrated with this anxious anticipation as they recklessly careened into him?

"I am."

I heard him let out a quiet breath. Soft, yet it filled my ears.

"See you Friday, Jessica." He liked to say my name.

"Bye." I quickly hung up, noticing Daisy watching me.

"Was that Dr. Daniels?" she asked.

"Yeah." It was my turn not to meet her eyes.

"What are you doing, Jess?" This wasn't my ditzy, party-loving roommate. This Daisy was too astute for my liking.

"Nothing—"

"I'm getting really sick and tired of you lying to me," she snapped. "You've been slinking off to meet that professor for weeks now."

"Are you following me or something?" I laughed, trying to lighten the mood, but Daisy wasn't having any of it. Our friendship had deteriorated to barely functioning.

It was clear Daisy no longer viewed me as a friend but as someone she couldn't trust. And it all started with that stupid ID.

"What about Ryan? Have you thought about him?" she asked, her voice tight. "And what about Tammy? And Phoebe and Meghan? They made the same mistake and where are they now?"

"They ran off, Daisy. I thought we agreed on that." I was trying to placate her. It wasn't working.

Daisy stood up and grabbed her book bag, slinging it over her shoulder. "And if you believe that, you're not only lying to me, but you're lying to yourself." She shook her head. "I need to get to the library."

"I thought you never went to the library." It was a poor attempt at a joke.

"Yeah, well, things change, don't they?"

"Daisy, why are you so angry with me?" I asked her before she could leave. My voice was husky. I could barely contain the panic that was ready to burst out of me.

She stopped, but didn't turn to face me as she answered. "Because I feel like I'm rooming with a stranger. Or—" she hesitated, "maybe I never knew you to begin with."

"What does that even mean? Of course you know me." After everything, the thought of losing Daisy's friendship was almost too much to bear.

She finally looked at me, but her eyes seemed to see something that she didn't like.

"There are things you aren't telling me, Jess. You think I'm some dumb airhead, but I notice stuff. And I know when stories aren't adding up." Her demeanor had become tough and unyielding.

"Is this still about the ID—?"

"No, it's not only that. It's whatever's going on with Dr. Daniels. It's those unaccounted hours when you disappear. It's the late-night phone calls to your dad. It's you failing your classes and getting drunk every night. You think that no one notices how much you've changed, but we do. I do ."

I wanted to cry. I wanted to beg her to give me a chance to explain. But what would be the point? I couldn't explain what was happening. What had already happened. I could never tell anyone why my dad called me late at night. Why I snuck off to meet him.

I could never tell Daisy my secrets.

She became anguished. "You've been my best friend since we got here and I wish you'd be honest with me. Please, tell me if you've gotten into something you can't get out of. Maybe I can help."

I didn't like where this conversation was going. I had to reassure her somehow, but there were no words I could think of. There were only more lies.

So I stayed silent. I said absolutely nothing.

With a look of heartbreaking disappointment, she shook her head. "This is going to end badly, Jess, and I can't stand around watching it happen." With that, she left, closing the door behind her.

My despair instantly morphed into anger. I picked up my pillow, screaming into it as loud as I could.

I had lost control of my life, of my future. I couldn't see a way out of the mess I was in.

I couldn't breathe.

I grabbed my keys and left my room. I needed space. I needed air.

I didn't know where I was headed. I walked blindly. Without purpose. Without a destination. I had never felt so completely and utterly alone. I had no one to talk to. No one I could confide in. I was by myself in this awful darkness.

Eventually, I made my way toward the crest of the hill that overlooked Mt. Randall. When I first started college it felt good to be up here, with my old life out of reach down below. But it had all started to collide.

I sat down on a bench, wishing I could undo the past six months, but knowing it was impossible.

I had made my choices, no matter how rash they had been. And those decisions, made in the heat of the moment and fueled by pain and misery, were destroying me.

"Hey, babe."

I felt his arm slide around my shoulders, his warm body pressed into my side.

I turned my face into Ryan's solid chest, needing him desperately.

"Woah, what's wrong?" he murmured into my hair.

"Do you have a few hours?" I laughed half-heartedly.

Ryan cupped the side of my neck. "I'm here for you, Jess, always. I can tell something's wrong and has been for a while. I hope you know you can tell me anything and I will never judge you. Never turn my back on you." I knew he meant it. Even if his promises were hypotheticals. He would never make those kinds of assurances if he knew the truth.

I snuggled into him. "It's nothing. I'm being overly dramatic."

The pieces were falling apart. I couldn't even trust Ryan to put them back together.

He kissed the top of my head and we sat in silence for several minutes, watching the world go by.

Ryan eventually stood up. "Let's go to my room for a little while. My roommate is at lacrosse practice."

I let him take my hand and lead me back toward the dorms. Perhaps I could pretend for a little while.

"Jess?"

Every part of me froze. Ryan looked over his shoulder, frowning in confusion as my mom's blue-and-tan minivan pulled up beside us as we walked along the road.

"Just keep walking," I told him quietly.

"Jess, I need to talk to you," my dad called out. I heard the slam of a car door. "You can't keep avoiding me."

"Who is that?" Ryan asked, his voice steely, his grip tightening possessively.

"Jess!" my father yelled and I finally came to a stop.

I gave Ryan a tiny smile. "It's my dad. Give me a minute."

Fear and anger shadowed my steps as I left Ryan's side and walked toward my dad, who was striding towards me. He looked like a wreck. His normally perfectly styled hair was messy as if he hadn't brushed it in days. He had dark smudges beneath his eyes, and he clearly hadn't shaved in awhile. My mother must be having a fit at the sight of him.

How was he explaining the slip in his appearance? What lies was he spinning to get her off his back?

What reason did he give for driving her car instead of his own, very conspicuous, bright-yellow Mustang?

"You need to answer your phone when I call you, young lady." To anyone else he sounded like a stern father. They wouldn't hear the slight tremor in his voice—the barely concealed hysteria. I felt the instinct to morph into "old Jess." I looked down at my feet. I shrank in on myself until I was as nonthreatening as possible.

"I'm sorry, Dad," I said softly, my voice pitched low, like a child's. This was how I always was with him.

Then I looked over my shoulder at Ryan who was far enough away that he couldn't overhear our conversation. He was watching us with open concern.

Everything was so messed up. And it started with my father.

"Damn it, Jess. I needed to see you. Where have you been?" It came out as an accusation.

"There's nothing left to say to each other." I was tired. Incredibly tired. So, I forced that little girl inside me to disappear. In her place was a woman to be reckoned with. I stood up straighter. I felt my spine stiffen. Dad took a step back, as if to protect himself.

"Jess." My name sounded like agony. Like broken dreams and empty promises. I couldn't stand to look at him. He made me sick. But there was the part of me that wanted to hug him. I wanted everything to go back to how it used to be … even if that hurt, too.

"Leave me alone." It was both a plea and a demand.

Dad took a hold of my upper arms, his fingers digging into my skin.

"The police called me downtown to ask me questions about Meghan. Why would they do that?" He gave me a little shake.

I tried to pull out of his grasp. "So? What does that have to do with me?"

My father tightened his grip. "They said they got a tip about me. They tore apart my car. They took things into evidence. They think—" He cut himself off, looking away.

"They think you did something to her, right?" I filled in, trying hard not to be swayed by his misery. Trying not to be flayed open by my guilt.

Dad's face shattered. "You did this, Jess."

I clenched my teeth. "No, Dad, you did this. This is on you. You've dragged me into it." This time my anger was directed at the right target. I welcomed it with open arms. It decimated my conditioned submissiveness. It stomped my need to please into the ground.

"Jess." My father looked down at me, his eyes full of something that looked like hatred. I tried to take a step back, but he held me in place.

I had never doubted my father's love. He had made it clear that no matter what, he was there for me. He'd help me when I needed it. He loved me unconditionally.

But this wasn't the face of a man devoted to his child. This was a man who despised the person in front of him. Who blamed them for everything.

"If I go down, Jess, you go down, too. Remember that when you're stirring the pot. Think about your mother. Think about Lindsey. Think about what you're doing to them. "

"I don't need to think about anything ," I spat. "And you won't make me feel guilty because of your mistakes."

He slapped me.

I stumbled backward, holding a hand to my cheek. My father seemed shocked. He looked down at his hand as if it were foreign to him.

"Jess!" Ryan ran to me, pulling me away. He turned to my dad. "You ever touch her again, I'll kick your ass, old man, you hear me?"

"Jess—" Dad started to say.

"Go. Just leave," I told him.

He looked between Ryan and me, his emotions torn. "Jess, please … I'm sorry."

Ryan put his hands on my dad's chest and shoved him backward. My dad stumbled. He looked like he wanted to cry. He looked broken.

"Get out of here!" Ryan yelled.

My father seemed conflicted, but with a final look at Ryan, he got in the van.

"What the hell was that all about?" Ryan was still angry, but he softened at the sight of my despondent expression. "Hey, it's okay." He put his arms around me and I pressed my face into his solid warmth, crying for the first time in as long as I could remember.

"Sometimes I hate him, Ryan. I really hate him," I sobbed, feeling ashamed of the words. I was being torn in two. The bone deep love was being quashed by harsher, more savage emotions.

He ran his hands up and down my back. "Wanna tell me about it?"

The desire to unload everything was tempting.

I wiped my face and pulled away. "I'm fine. It's only family drama."

Ryan glanced in the direction my dad had driven off. "That looked like more than simple family drama, Jess." He sounded worried.

"I have a complicated relationship with my Dad." I sighed. "We've always been close. He was my best friend. There were no secrets between us … until there were." I closed my eyes. "He's cheating on my mom."

Ryan's eyes widened. "Crap, for real? That's a lot to carry around with you." He hugged me tighter and I breathed a little easier.

It seemed like he wanted to ask more questions.

"No, we're not talking about this," I said firmly, "come on, let's go watch some really bad daytime tv and take my mind off all the ways my life sucks."

"Except for me, right?" Ryan asked, sounding vulnerable.

"Except for you," I agreed and forced myself to be normal, at least for a little while.

Ten Seconds to Vanish: The Unsolved Disappearance of Jessica Fadley

Episode 10

The Interview

Stella: Hi all my true crime babes. Thanks for tuning in for another week of twists and turns and absolute madness! I'm your host Stella—

Rachel: And I'm Rachel

Stella: And this is Ten Seconds to Vanish: The Unsolved Disappearance of Jessica Fadley.

*Theme music plays*

Rachel: Today's episode is a big one because we have a special guest here with us. Someone who can give us firsthand insight into what it was like at Southern State University back then. Someone who knew all four of the victims.

Stella: We'd like to introduce Erica Stead. Hi Erica. Thanks so much for getting in touch and agreeing to come on our show.

Erica: Hi ladies. I absolutely love your podcast. I knew you two were the perfect ones to share my story with.

Rachel: And we're so glad you decided to. Because, girl, you've got quite the story to tell.

Erica: I'll say. I'm so thankful I'm here at all to talk to you.

Stella: Oh my god, of course. Because you could have been a victim, too!

Erica: Well, not really. I wasn't sleeping with my married professor.

Rachel: So it's true that Jessica was sleeping with the same professor who had been involved with Tammy, Phoebe, and Meghan?

Stella: Spill the tea.

Erica: It's true. Jessica would tell me everything. I knew all about her and Dr.… can I say his name?

Stella: I wouldn't. Not until he's officially named as a person of interest.

Erica: Okay, well anyway, we were super close. She was a literal sister to me. You know, because we were both pledges of Pi Gamma Delta. I have to say hi to all my sisters out there! Love in our bond!

Rachel: That means you knew Phoebe, too. She was a pledge, right?

Erica: Phoebe was the sweetest. We had so much in common. We spent so much time together. I've been a wreck since they found her body.

Stella: Back to Jessica. You said she was definitely sleeping with her teacher?

Erica: Oh, absolutely. But that was the kind of girl Jessica was. I loved her, but she had her faults. Everyone knew Jessica was out of control. She was cheating on her boyfriend and she was even put on academic probation and kicked out of Pi Gam.

Rachel: Really? I thought she was a good student.

Erica: No way. She was a hot mess. If she hadn't disappeared, she would have been kicked out of school.

Stella: Wow, goes to show you never really know what's going on with people.