Chapter 13

CHAPTER

13

JESS

Early April, 1999

I WAS SU PPOSED to be studying for exams, but neither my head nor my heart was in it. The soft drones of the Dave Matthews Band played through the speakers of my stereo. Daisy was at a pledge meeting and wouldn't be back for a few hours, leaving me all alone.

I had been officially put on probation with Pi Gamma Delta. I had been relieved of my pledge duties and wouldn't be inducted at the end of the month. I hadn't quite been kicked out, but I was on thin ice until I could pull my GPA up.

Who knew sororities were such sticklers for grades?

Daisy had been practically inconsolable when I told her. I couldn't tell her that I didn't care one bit about being in Pi Gamma Delta. That as the months passed and my life continued to teeter on the edge of the abyss, the things that had mattered only a short time ago no longer did.

Sometimes, I wondered what it would be like to disappear.

Not a poof and you're gone kind of moment, but a slow fade.

Is that what I was doing now?

Would no one notice until I was no longer here?

I looked around the tiny dorm room trying to remember the girl who had taped posters to the walls in August. What happened to her? When had I stopped trying and fallen into barely existing? I wanted to blame my dad for everything. Lord knows he had been the primary villain for a while now. But when would I accept that this chaos was partly my own doing?

My father and I really did make a perfect team. We were both masters at self-sabotage.

My dad had ruined everything.

He had ruined me.

And I, in turn, had destroyed any chance at a normal life.

This is why I hated being alone.

I couldn't trust myself—my thoughts. They always went to dark, uncomfortable places.

I had been trying to read the same passage in my biology textbook for the past twenty minutes, But I was having a hard time focusing. Every time I tried to concentrate, my thoughts would wander to Tammy. And Phoebe. And Meghan.

They were everywhere. I couldn't escape them. I tried to act like I wasn't worried. That their disappearances didn't affect me, but it was all a lie, and not so deep down, I was terrified.

I had become quite adept at dishonesty.

I slammed my book closed with a loud sigh.

My head wasn't on academics. I was failing everything. I hadn't turned in a homework assignment in weeks.

The only class I was passing was Intro to Statistics and that's because Dr. Daniels had been making it a point to help me. I had grown dependent on his tutoring, knowing I'd fail his class as well, without his assistance. Yet he never made me feel like an idiot for how much I didn't know. He made me feel, for a brief moment, capable. Almost like the old Jess. But then his hand would graze my knee or he'd scoot his chair in closer, and I was reminded why he was taking such a personal interest in my performance.

But he listened to me. It was easy to talk to him. When I was with him, I knew that his focus was entirely on me. That kind of attention was addictive. And even though I wasn't fooled by his deceptively benign preoccupation, I found myself craving his approval.

Then I'd get angry with myself, because I knew better.

Just as Tammy should have. And Phoebe. And Meghan.

Yet Dr. Daniels' insidious affection was hard to resist.

Ryan didn't understand why I was spending so much time with my teacher.

"How can you be alone with that creep after we saw him with Meghan?" he had demanded one day last week. He had been particularly edgy once Meghan was labeled a missing person, at times snapping at me and then asking for forgiveness. It was a cycle we fell into almost immediately after we started dating.

When things were good between us, I thought of nothing but him. There were no intrusive thoughts. No soul-destroying depression. No gut-wrenching anxiety.

There was only Ryan McKay.

But when things were bad …

That kind of intensity didn't come without consequences. Because Ryan was as obsessed with being with me as I was with him. We spent most of our free time together. And when we weren't together, we were both tangled up in irrational jealousy. We loved each other … but at a horrible price. And his temper was something awful to behold.

As much as I tried, I couldn't get the thought of him with those other girls—Tammy, Phoebe, and Meghan—out of my mind. I couldn't stop imagining him touching them. Kissing them. It filled me with a resentment that I couldn't explain, but also with a grim satisfaction knowing I no longer had to share him with them. It was an evil thought, I knew that, but I had it all the same. It was another way in which I had changed. The old Jessica would be appalled.

I was a stranger, even to myself.

What happened to the diligent student who had been accepted to college on a partial scholarship?

It seemed I had buried her deep in the ground where no one could find her.

The phone in my room rang. It sounded muffled and far away. I stared down at it unblinking, before finally snapping out of my thoughts.

"Hello?" my voice sounded anemic. Sad. Lonely.

"Jess, I'm so glad you answered. We need to talk. Please, this is getting serious—"

I hung up.

When it immediately started ringing again, I stood up, stumbling back from my desk chair. Why couldn't he leave me alone? The phone stopped ringing and then immediately started again. I covered my ears with my hands, letting out a soft, anguished sob.

I wanted to talk to him. The pull was immense. The love was there … my god, the love. But it was tainted with heinous things.

"Leave me alone," I keened.

When it continued to ring nonstop, I pulled the cord from the wall.

I knew what he would say and I didn't want to hear it.

It would be a cold day in hell before my father would become my conscience.

A knock at the door startled me.

I opened it slowly only to find Ryan standing on the other side holding a plastic bag from a local convenience store.

He took a step toward me, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulled me close. He kissed me long and deep. When he pulled away I was slightly out of breath. "I'm kidnapping you," he murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"I have a lot of stuff to do—" I started to protest.

"It's nothing that can't wait." He lifted the bag. "I got us sandwiches because I have a feeling you haven't eaten since the donuts at breakfast."

I couldn't help but smile. "You know me so well."

I glanced back over my shoulder at the pile of work on my desk. "Honestly, Ryan, I really have a lot to do. I'm … I'm flunking my classes. It'll be bad if I don't pull my grades up soon." My protests were weak and ineffectual. I would give in. I could never say no to Ryan McKay, no matter how much I wanted to.

"Hey, it's okay. Come take a short break and when we get back I'll help you study." He tipped my chin up and placed a gentle kiss on my lips.

"Okay," I relented, and he smiled widely, like he'd won the lottery. I shoved my feet in my sneakers and grabbed my keys. As I went to shut the door Ryan pulled something out of his back pocket and held it out to me. "Oh, I found this in the hallway outside my room. It's Daisy's. Not sure how it got there, but I'm being a good boy scout and returning it."

I startled at the sight of it. I took the campus ID card from him. "Thanks."

I went back into my room and dropped it on Daisy's desk before joining him in the hallway.

Ryan closed the door behind me. "Come on then."

Once in the parking lot, Ryan unlocked the passenger side door of a brown Ford Explorer. He pressed me against the side of the car, cupping my face in his hands. "I can't stay away from you, Jessica Fadley," he whispered against my lips. "What have you done to me? I'm half crazed over you."

My insides felt shaky. I was both flattered and suffocated. I wanted his love and attention, but sometimes it could be too much. There was no such thing as space with him. Boundaries were blurred and pushed.

All of my misgiving melted away at the feel of his mouth against mine.

I knew what Ryan wanted from me today. I could tell by his desperate kisses and urgent touches. That was okay, though. I wanted it, too. I needed him to help me forget even for a little bit.

Yet, I couldn't shake the sense of foreboding as we made our way through Mt. Randall. I felt off balance the further we drove from campus.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked as we cut through the main part of town.

"You'll see." He gave me a sideways glance. "Nothing to be nervous about. I wanted somewhere romantic. There's a place I know from when I was a kid. It's perfect."

I turned on the radio so I wouldn't have to talk. Then I wished I hadn't. It was a news report about Meghan. I noticed the way Ryan's face turned thunderous.

"Turn that off," he commanded, his eyes dark.

"I'm … I'm sorry." I fumbled with the knob. Ryan could be the most loving, gentle boyfriend, but I also knew he had a temper. Daisy had warned me. Sometimes a switch would flip and he was like a different person.

"You never did tell me if you ended up speaking to her that night." I broached the subject tentatively. It was like walking on eggshells on top of land mines.

"Uh, yeah. Only briefly, though." He sounded dismissive. He reached for the radio and turned it off more aggressively than was warranted.

"What did you talk about? Did she say anything about Dr. Daniels?" I was pushing. I knew he hated that. It was in my nature to back down, but I wanted to press and prod. It was so out of character that it rattled me.

And like every single time the subject came up, Ryan effectively shut it down. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Okay, I just—"

His nostrils flared. "I can't believe she would get involved with someone like that. Not after the shit she went through with her parents. She's dealt with a lot. It's why we clicked when we met at the beginning of the school year. She has a shitty dad, I have a shitty dad. That's why it pisses me off so damn much. She should know better." He spoke with authority. It made the blood in my veins turn to ice.

"What do you mean?"

Ryan kept his eyes firmly on the road. "Women like that, the vulnerable ones, are easy pickings." It was an angry, definitive statement.

His words had been brutal, and direct.

I was unnerved.

Neither of us said anything for an uncomfortably long period of time.

Finally, he took my hand, lacing our fingers together and pressing them to his thigh. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

My stomach twisted into knots, but not with excitement.

"It's really upsetting. The whole thing, Jess." He paused before continuing. "Look, can we not talk about it? It's all anyone ever seems to want to talk about. Everywhere I go it's Meghan this, Phoebe that, did you hear about Tammy? I … I can't, okay. I need to not think about them for a while. I want to think about you and me. I want a couple of hours for us and no one else. Is that cool?"

I felt numb. "Sure, Ryan. I want that, too. You and me and no one else."

He seemed to brighten.

All I felt was dread.

The feeling got worse when I realized where Ryan was going.

I was paralyzed, unable to speak, when he turned off the main road, driving over the bumpy gravel before finally coming to a stop beneath a thick overhang of trees at the edge of Doll's Eye Lake.

He turned off the ignition and grabbed the plastic bag from the back seat before opening the door. When I made no move to follow him, he looked at me in confusion. "What's wrong?"

I stared out at the glistening surface of the lake. My heart thumped loudly in my ears.

"Why did you bring me here? How do you even know about this place?" I croaked. I sounded as if I had swallowed broken glass. My bones felt leaden. My muscles turned to jelly.

I should have felt comforted to be here. This special place that resided in my best childhood memories.

Yet I wasn't. This place reminded me of everything that I had lost. And of a father who had become a stranger. It was now filled with nightmares.

"I told you, I came here a couple of times as a kid. My grandma used to live in town and I'd come to the lake to fish when I'd visit. I remember it being secluded and out of the way. I thought some privacy might be nice." He sounded strange. Almost excited.

My heart fluttered wildly. "I don't know …"

Ryan's eyes were pleading. "I want to be alone with you."

"We can be alone in my dorm room," I countered, still not getting out of the car.

"Yeah, but here no one can hear you scream," he chuckled, kissing the side of my neck, brushing his nose along the underside of my jaw.

I knew he was trying to be sexy, but his words made me uneasy.

He had no idea why I hated Doll's Eye Lake so much. Somewhere I had once loved was now the last place I wanted to be. Not after everything.

"Jess, stop being weird and get out of the car." He sounded impatient.

"I …" I looked around us, realizing how alone we were.

"Jess, damn it, get out!"

My hand was trembling as I reached for the handle. I didn't want to get out. I wanted to go back home. I wanted to have never opened the door to Ryan McKay. I wished I could go back in time.

Ryan came around to my side of the car and opened the door for me. He held out a hand and I took it. He tugged me out, pulling me close to his body.

He smiled down at me. "Now I have you all to myself with no interruptions."

Ryan kissed me rougher than usual. He seemed irritated by my lackluster response.

We walked closer to the edge of the lake. My legs were shaky and I stumbled twice. Ryan's arms were there to catch me each and every time.

I noticed a car parked a few feet away from us and relief flooded through me.

"Looks like we'll have to forget about being alone. Maybe we should scrap this idea and head back to campus" I pointed to the shiny Chevy Impala.

Ryan scowled. "God damn it!"

He was still holding my hand. It felt restrictive.

I wanted to scream.

This all felt so wrong.

I shouldn't be here.

"Nah, we can still enjoy ourselves. Though, I guess we'll have to stick with eating. The other stuff can wait until later." He waggled his eyebrows.

A man was walking along the perimeter of the lake, making his way toward us. It was only when he was within a few feet that both Ryan and I recognized him.

Ryan stiffened and I felt lightheaded.

"Dr. Daniels, hi," I greeted once he was within earshot.

He looked up at me in surprise, clearly not having noticed us there.

"Jessica, hello."

Ryan's face went stony. I recognized the possessive glint in his eyes.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked him.

Dr. Daniels peered out over the water. "I live nearby and I come here sometimes when I need to think." He turned back to me and I felt my cheeks heat up. "When I want to make important decisions."

"Oh," was all I could say.

"It feels like a good omen to meet you out here, Jessica," Dr. Daniels's smile broadened.

Ryan cleared his throat, as if reminding Dr. Daniels—and me—that he was there.

"This is Ryan," I said by way of introduction.

Ryan glared at me before turning to my teacher. "I'm Jess's boyfriend." He clutched my hand so tight it hurt.

Dr. Daniels raised his eyebrows at that but didn't respond. Instead he looked at me again. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow for our tutoring session." His gaze lingered, but only for a moment. It was so quick you could almost convince yourself that he was simply being nice. "Enjoy your evening."

"You, too," I replied softly as the older man walked away.

As soon as Dr. Daniels was out of earshot, I felt Ryan's anger unleash like a hurricane.

"What the hell was that, Jess?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"That man looked at you like he was the cat and you were the goddamned cream."

"You're seeing things."

"I'm seeing what's pretty obvious, Jess. You liked it. You liked the way he looked at you, didn't you?" Ryan was enraged.

I shook my head profusely. But I knew it was no good. There was no calming him down.

I pulled Ryan close, staring up into his face, beseeching him. I hated it when he was angry with me. Like all the men in my life, Ryan wasn't good for me, yet I couldn't stay away. "I don't want to fight," I whispered.

He seemed to relax slightly, though his anger was still palpable.

"Me neither."

I tipped my face up to him and he kissed me. And all thoughts drifted away as the water, with its hidden secrets, lapped at our feet. Somewhere close by, I knew Dr. Daniels would be watching.

I felt better, more settled, by the time Ryan dropped me off at the dorm. I fumbled with my keys in the lock when the door flung open suddenly and Daisy stood there, seeming frazzled.

"There you are!" she exclaimed.

Daisy pulled me into our room and quickly closed the door behind me.

"What is it? Did you lose your lip gloss again?" I joked.

Daisy looked like she was about to have a panic attack. "This is serious, Jess." She walked to her desk and picked up her ID. "Where did you find this?"

"What are you talking about?"

Daisy shook the ID card. "My campus ID, Jess. Where was it? It's been missing for like three months. I've not seen it since before Christmas."

"Oh, Ryan returned it earlier."

"What? Why did Ryan have my ID?" She was gnawing at her bottom lip.

"He said he found it so he brought it back." I shrugged nonchalantly.

"That doesn't make any sense," she murmured. She seemed close to tears. "Where did he find it?"

"What's going on, Daisy?" I asked, getting to my feet and crossing the room to my frantic roommate. I reached out and took ahold of her shoulders. "You need to calm down. Tell me what happened."

She sat down on her bed, covering her face with her hands. "I was called to the police station in town."

My stomach dropped. "What? Why?"

Daisy looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes. "Because, apparently, my student ID was the only one used in all the last locations where Tammy, Phoebe, and Meghan were seen."

I swallowed. Anxiety rising in me. "That doesn't mean anything."

Daisy's eyes took on a wild look. "Don't you get it, Jess? My card was used to check out a computer in the computer lab within ten minutes of Tammy checking into that same computer lab." She ran her hands through her hair. "My ID card was used to check out a book at the library, at the same damn kiosk as Phoebe's. At almost the same time!" She was getting worked up again. I could see she was spiraling.

"Daisy, take a breath—"

"And at the gym, too. At like one in the morning. Guess who was also at the gym at one in the morning on February 8?" She looked at me, her eyes unwavering. "Meghan Lambert."

"Okay …"

"I don't go to the gym, Jess," Daisy went on. "And I sure as hell have never set foot in the library. But the police have proof that my card, at least, has been to those places, coincidentally around the same time as Tammy, Phoebe, and Meghan. And wouldn't you know it, it happened to be the last place anyone ever saw them."

"I don't understand what you're saying."

But I did.

Daisy's eyes welled up with tears. "They were interrogating me, Jess. Like I had done something to those women. Me— as if I'd ever do something like that."

I sat down beside her and put my arm around her shoulders. "I know you would never hurt a fly, Daisy."

For once, she didn't lean into me. "I don't understand what's going on. How could my card be used at all those places? You know it's been missing for months. I've been borrowing Erica and Tina's IDs."

"Maybe it's some kind of technology error. I can't imagine Mt. Randall's police force being too skilled in that area," I offered.

Daisy wiped her face. "Yeah, maybe. But it's so weird." She looked down at the ID in question. "Where did Ryan find it?" She seemed to be bordering on hysteria.

I hugged her and this time she let me. "I'm sure it will all be okay. It's just a misunderstanding. Don't worry so much."

Daisy placed the plastic card back on the desk. "What if they think I did something to them?

This time I did laugh. "Come on, Daisy, what motive would you possibly have? I mean, Tammy maybe, but Phoebe and Meghan?"

My roommate gave me a wobbly smile. "Yeah, I mean, come on, I'm too hot to be a serial killer." She flipped her hair over her shoulder. "And I'm sure as hell not going to jail because of Tammy Estep. God, she'd love that wouldn't she."

"Exactly." I took a deep breath, steadying myself. "Don't give it another thought. It will all get figured out."

Daisy gave me a strange look. "Did you ever find your ID card? I remember you kept borrowing mine."

"I only used your card that one time, Daisy."

Her eyes looked doubtful. "No, you used it a bunch because you kept misplacing yours."

"Nope, I found mine. See." I dug into my bag and produced my ID card on its bright pink lanyard.

"Jess, you used my card more than once. Why are you lying?" Daisy insisted, frowning. She was stressed and upset, her tone accusatory.

I felt my hands start to shake. "I'm not lying … but you're right. Maybe I used it a few more times than I remembered. But, Daisy, that was way before Christmas break and I always returned it. Promise."

Daisy stared at me for a moment too long before she got to her feet. "Right. Yeah, okay." She picked at the corner of her mouth. "I don't know what's going on. Things have been so messed up this entire year. Freshman year was supposed to be amazing." She let out a little sob. "This is not how things were meant to be."

I stood up and started to go to my friend. "Daisy, everything will be fine—"

Daisy held up her hands, as if to ward me off. "Before you say anything, I know I'm being overly dramatic again." She seemed angry now. And that anger was clearly directed at me. And I didn't know how to fix it. She picked up her purse and turned away from me. "I have to meet up with the other pledges to plan Big/Little activities for the weekend." For the first time she didn't complain about the fact that I wasn't joining her. Her demeanor had gone cold, leaving me firmly on the outside.

"Don't forget I'm going home on Friday for Lindsey's birthday party," I reminded her before she left.

"Oh right. I forgot about that. Well, that should be fun." Daisy barely looked at me as she opened the door.

"Yeah. Fun." My voice was monotone and Daisy would normally ask if I was okay. She didn't this time.

Truthfully, she seemed eager to leave the room.

To leave me.

And I, too, was glad when she was gone.

True Crime Crazy Blog Post 814 Southern State University's Missing Coeds UPDATE 2023

It's been a long time since I've added anything to my coverage of this case. Probably because for two decades, nothing new has been revealed. There were no leads. No evidence. It was a giant, black hole of nothingness and the police weren't in a rush to do anything about it.

I've called out the lack of virtues of small town police forces many times on my blog and Mt. Randall's police are no exception. They screwed up this case in every way they could. Like most crime watchers, I gave up on anything ever coming to light in the case of the missing Southern State coeds.

So, color me shocked when only two months ago bones were found near a lake only twelve miles from campus. First, Tammy Estep was found. Then later, Phoebe Baker. And as I sit here typing this, testing is being conducted on another set of remains, and most think they belong to Meghan Lambert.

That's three of the four missing girls all found and accounted for twenty-four years after they were last seen.

So that leaves the important question—where is Jessica Fadley?

Are her bones, like the others, languishing at the bottom of the lake waiting to be found? If so, why haven't they recovered her yet?

At this point, divers have scoured every inch of that underwater world on the outskirts of a tiny town in North Carolina.

So, where is Jessica Fadley?

When will her body be found? Because at this point, there is surely no doubt that it is a body that is being searched for.

And who killed these women? Because each set of remains bear marks consistent with a violent death. These girls were murdered in the prime of their lives and left to rot in some backwater town where they went unnoticed indefinitely.

Whoever killed them was angry. These weren't crimes of cold calculation. These were crimes of rage and passion.

Was it the professor? Or perhaps the fellow student that online communities speculate dated all four?

Or was it someone else entirely? The elusive serial killer so many people have speculated about perhaps? The North Carolina Boogie Man? The SeaSide Strangler?

Or someone else who has been overlooked all these years?

Whoever it is should be scared. The secrets are coming out. Their days in obscurity are almost over.

It's almost time for them to pay the piper.