Chapter 11

CHAPTER

11

JESSICA

Late January 1999

I KNOCKED ON the closed office door. The name Dr. Clement Daniels was engraved on a shiny brass plate below the frosted glass pane.

"Come in."

I turned the doorknob and went in, pulling the door closed behind me.

"Hi, Dr. Daniels, I'm Jessica Fadley. I'm interested in auditing your 6:30 Introduction to Statistics class." I sounded nervous. And who would blame me? If he didn't sign off on the class, I was at risk of losing my scholarship and being kicked out of not only Pi Gamma Delta, but school as well. I needed the class credits to become a sophomore because I knew I could never ask my parents to pay for summer school to make up the difference.

His head was bent over his desk as he wrote, his sandy blonde hair unruly. "Leave it on my desk and I'll see if I have room," he answered dismissively, not even looking up.

"I really hate to bother you, sir, but can you sign off on it now? I need to arrange my schedule and return the slip to the registrar's office before it closes." It wasn't usually in my nature to be pushy, but my future at Southern State University depended on it.

"I said leave it on my desk—" Dr. Daniels looked up and his words abruptly ended. There was a flash of recognition. This was the same man I had almost run into back in the fall semester.

He was also the same man I had seen in the car with Phoebe.

And he remembered me as well.

His hazel eyes met mine and there was a moment. He felt it. I felt it. It hung in the air between us. I was someone easily consumed by the desire for single, focused attention. Dr. Clement Daniels looked at me like I deserved his consideration. It was a heady feeling.

His full lips spread into a smile. "Here, let me see." He held out his hand and I gave him the registrar slip, our fingers brushing.

He turned to his computer, his attention now on the screen, giving me a brief reprieve from whatever that had been.

This was Dr. Daniels. The same Dr. Daniels that had been involved with Phoebe and Tammy.

Yet I wanted him to look at me again like I was worth something.

I watched his face as he squinted at the computer screen, clicking his mouse. When he was finished he grabbed a pen and signed the paper, holding it out for me to take. "Here you go, Jessica. You're all set."

This time, I made sure to take the slip without touching him.

"So there's room?" I asked.

Dr. Daniels sat back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap. He had the casual charm that I could see would be very appealing. He was classically handsome, with eyes that were both compassionate and heated. His mouth was full and seductive. His nose was straight and just about perfect. He reminded me of my dad in many ways. I understood why most of the female coeds on campus lusted after him. It was why it was so easy for Dr. Daniels, my dad, and all the men like them, to do what they did. Men like them made it easy.

"Of course, Jessica." My name sounded like an invitation.

"Oh, well thank you." I hefted my bookbag on my shoulder and turned toward the door. "I guess I'll see you in class."

"I make it a point to help students, particularly when they're struggling." His tone changed to that of a concerned teacher.

"Yeah, I guess my grades aren't where they should be." My face flushed with shame.

Dr. Daniels leaned forward and he was full of attentive kindness. "Freshman year is an adjustment for most students. The sudden independence can be tough. I've seen more than a few kids pass through this office right where you are."

I found myself relaxing marginally. He had a soothing effect on my anxiety.

"It's been hard," I found myself admitting.

I thought of all the classes I had missed. The now-nightly drunken partying. Even Daisy had expressed concern about the change in me. What I couldn't tell her was being wasted was better than having to deal with my thoughts. My memories.

Dr. Daniels stood up and walked around his desk. "Well, let's work together and get you back on track." He reached past me, his chest brushing against my arm, as he opened the door. "Don't be too hard on yourself, Jessica. We've all been there." His smile hit a nerve I didn't know was there. His confidence in me, his complete focus—it was a balm to a wound inside me that was oozing and raw.

I found myself wanting to lean against him as I would my dad. To let him comfort me and tell me everything was going to be okay. He was so close I could smell his aftershave and the mint of his mouthwash.

"You know, my classes aren't easy. A lot of students struggle. If you find yourself having a hard time keeping up, I offer one-on-one tutoring." He spoke softly, his voice altering almost imperceptibly. There was something there that I knew I should heed.

"Okay, I may take you up on that," I said just as softly.

"Good. I only want what's best for you—for all my students," Dr. Daniels murmured. And there it was. A flash of desire in his eyes. But then it was gone, almost as if it hadn't been there at all.

My stomach rolled and I felt my skin warm up.

"Thanks, Dr. Daniels." My voice was weak. Barely audible.

Dr. Daniels straightened up, taking a step back, his affect completely professional. It was a blink-and-you'd-miss-it transformation. "Please, call me Clement. I like to be on a first-name basis with my students. We're all on the same journey, after all."

A young woman was waiting in the hallway, leaning against the wall. When she saw me coming out of Dr. Daniels's—Clement's— office she appeared upset, though she tried to hide it. She looked from Dr. Daniels then to me, then back to Dr. Daniels.

"Meghan, right on time," Dr. Daniels said to her.

She walked toward us and for a second, our eyes met. I knew her. Or at least, I had seen her before. I could tell by the way she looked away from me that she recognized me as well.

She was the same girl my dad had been flirting with on move-in day.

I immediately felt lightheaded.

I moved aside so she could walk into Dr. Daniels's office. I turned to look at them, expecting to say goodbye to my new professor, but his attention was solely on Meghan now, making her feel like the center of his world, if only for a short time. Girls like Meghan—and me—chased a feeling only men like Dr. Daniels could provide.

For a brief second, he turned back, lifting his hand in a wave. "Bye, Jessica. See you soon."

And there it was. The note of intention I wasn't imagining.

I felt a strange sort of tugging in my stomach as I hurried out of Roosevelt Hall, making my way across the quad toward the administration building. I wanted to quickly hand in the signed audit slip and get back to the dorm. I had a free period and knew Daisy would be in class, so for once I would have the room to myself.

I was practically sprinting, as if I could outrun the mess my life had become.

The wind picked up and with it a creeping sensation I had become all too familiar with tip toed its way up my back.

I abruptly stopped, rooted to the spot.

Across the quad, in a small grove of trees, bright-red hair flickered in and out of sight.

My mouth went dry and my eyes burned.

"Jess! Hey, Jess!"

Distracted, the image disappeared as Ryan McKay jogged toward me. He had gotten a haircut over Christmas break and the bleached-blonde streaks were starting to grow out. He was more clean-cut than he had been the last time I saw him.

I pressed a hand to my thumping heart, willing myself to calm down. What was wrong with me? I needed to get myself together.

"I'm glad I found you," Ryan said once he reached me. He had called the room almost as soon as we got back to campus, though I had Daisy take a message. I wanted to see him, but I was still obsessing over the thought of him with Tammy and Phoebe. And I knew that when I spoke to him, my will would crumble.

"You're a hard woman to track down. If I wasn't so sure of myself, I'd think you were avoiding me." He was joking, but there was a note of something else in his tone. Angry frustration. I got the sense Ryan wasn't used to not getting his way.

"Confidence is great, Ryan, but overconfidence is a huge turn off." My smile was brittle as I went to walk around him.

He grabbed my upper arm, his fingers wrapping around my bicep. "What's going on? I thought we were going to hang out when we got back to school." He scowled at me, though tried to play it off like he was being funny.

I instantly froze. "Yeah, I've had stuff going on. I'm sorry. I would have called you back." I looked down at his tight grip on my arm and then back to his face. I felt myself instinctively become placid. Submissive. I backed down so easily when a force more powerful than myself pushed hard enough.

Ryan released me and took my hand instead. "I didn't think I'd have to track you down. I thought you wanted to hang out."

I let him hold my hand. It was easy to give in to him. To let him smile and make my insides flutter and pretend that this could go somewhere. And maybe it could. Didn't I deserve that?

But then Daisy's words about Ryan came back to me. The things she had told me about him. I thought of Dr. Daniels. I thought of my father. I thought of all these men that thought they could do whatever they wanted. I slowly, carefully extracted my hand from his grip even as the nerve endings ached for the contact.

"I found out about your pledge nickname." I tried to sound angry, but the words came out sad. As much as I hated it, I wasn't tough and in charge when it came to the men I wanted in my life.

"Nickname? What nick—," Ryan groaned and briefly closed his eyes. "Shit, okay, I know it sounds bad—"

"Wam Bam McKay?" It wasn't quite an accusation. I was walking a fine line. I lowered my eyes, my body sagging. I needed him to see how it hurt me. How much I suffered because of his behavior. Maybe then he would tell me all the things I longed to hear.

His cheeks flushed red. "It's not like that. I promise." He sounded sincere. God, how I wanted to believe him. Maybe I'd let myself.

"What about Tammy Estep?" I had to ask. I would despise myself if I didn't. "And Phoebe Baker?"

Saying their names out loud felt awful.

"It sounds like there have been a lot of girls," I continued.

He held up his hands in defense. "Okay, okay … I'm a piece of shit, I get it. But they were before I even met you—"

"And who comes after me, Ryan?" I asked softly.

I could never summon my anger when it counted. It only ever came out in wild, unpredictable ways. But the people, the men , who deserved my rage, never received it. I was conditioned to want their regard. Their tenderness. As much as I loathed to admit it, I would turn myself inside out in my desire to claim it.

His eyebrows drew together. "They were—" he shook his head, "—they were just fillers. Women to pass time with. You're not them. You're special."

He seemed so sincere. But I had heard these sentiments before. Men like him threw around words never knowing their true meaning. They did it to conquer. To make themselves feel better. To get what they wanted and damn the consequences. Damn the victims.

Men like Ryan were ruining my life.

Ryan reached for my hand again, a playful, hopeful smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "That sounded corny."

"Maybe a little," I teased breathlessly, eager to put aside the ugliness. I was greedy for his attention and affection. It echoed the craving I experienced with Dr. Daniels. This impatient hunger that engulfed better sense.

"I wish you were the first, Jess. I really do. I want to pretend that there has never been anyone but you." He laid it on thick. He was a shark circling in the water and he could smell blood.

I let him pull me into his arms, his lips pressed against my temple. I felt the tension drain out of me. How quickly I dismissed all the reasons to keep my distance.

I had a hard time doing what was best for me.

Needing to be loved above all others would be my downfall.

The phone rang and this time he picked up right away.

"Hello?" He sounded distracted. He always sounded distracted these days. I wanted to scream, but I wouldn't.

There was a time when I had all his attention. It hurt so much that I had to share it now.

With all the others.

"Hi, Dad."

"Jess." He said my name flatly, as if he regretted answering the phone.

There was complete silence, neither of us saying anything for an uncomfortably long period of time.

"What do you need?" he asked, bracing himself.

"Aren't you going to ask how I'm doing?" I couldn't hide the pain in my voice.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," he placated. "How are things? I hope they're better. Your mom and I have been worried that you're running yourself down. You were so distant at Christmas—"

"I wonder why," I interrupted, for once, summoning some bite.

Dad sighed as if annoyed. Irritated at having to explain himself. "Jess, it's not what you think."

"Stop it. Please, just stop it! For me!" I felt myself becoming unreasonable. My emotions were cresting like a wave. I couldn't find my anger, but my fear and misery were enough to destroy everything.

"Jess, don't be upset. I can't bear it." My dad's voice was wet with tears.

"I saw her." I felt sick. I had to take long deep breaths so I wouldn't throw up. I didn't want to bring her up, but I had to.

"What are you talking about? Who did you see?"

"The girl, Dad. The one from move-in day." I started crying. It's what I always did when faced with the awful truths I couldn't run away from. Like with Ryan earlier, and Dr. Daniels before that, I felt myself cave under the weight of this unbearable need.

"Don't cry, darling. This is all my fault."

He was right. This was his fault.

All of it.

I felt the ring in my pocket. I wanted to throw it away, but I wouldn't let myself. It was there for a reason.

It used to be a reminder of my father's affection.

Now it was a reminder of all the pain he inflicted.

"Jess, listen to me. We can make things better." He sounded as if he were talking from the bottom of a well. I barely heard him.

You're a liar.

I wanted to shout it into the phone. But I didn't. The recriminations reverberated around my skull.

"I have to go, Daddy."

His broken promises pierced my shattered heart.

"Okay, sweetheart. I'm here. Always."

You're a liar.

I hung up and the cavernous dark pit opened up inside me swallowing me whole.

The campus was quiet at night. It was Wednesday, so it was devoid of weekend partygoers. The drinking and debauchery would be reserved for dorm rooms.

For the first time in weeks, I was stone-cold sober. I had gotten used to the welcome numbness that took my mind off … everything.

But, Daisy had asked to have the room for the next hour, so here I was, wandering the darkness—on edge, restless, not quite alone.

Figures moved in and out of the shadows, and I forced myself not to look every time I caught something out of the corner of my eye.

I was terrified I'd see them again. I was scared of the other eyes I felt watching me.

Dad said to be careful. Daisy told me to stay in well-lit places.

Neither knew what real terror felt like.

I found myself wandering over to Roosevelt Hall. I looked up at the imposing building and noticed a light still on in Dr. Daniels's office.

"Jess." I nearly jumped out of my skin.

I pressed a hand to my chest. "Jesus, Ryan, you scared the crap out of me."

Ryan had his hands tucked into his jeans pockets, an orange-and-white-striped beanie pulled down over his ears. It had only been ten hours since our conversation and I could tell he wasn't sure what to say to me.

I was still wary of him, but there was an indescribable something about Ryan McKay that had me throwing caution to the wind.

"Sorry, I saw you walking alone, so thought I'd make sure you were okay." Ryan's eyes met mine, never wavering. There was a solidity there that I yearned for desperately.

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" I asked.

"With everything going on, I know people are freaked out." He glanced around the quad. "The guys on my floor keep saying there's a killer on campus. I think they're using it to get girls to let them in their dorm rooms." His smile was brief and lopsided.

I laughed, though I didn't think it was at all funny.

Ryan cocked his head to the side as he regarded me. "You never answered my question earlier." There was a thread of frustration in his tone that should have given me pause. "I hate being strung along, Jess."

Had Tammy strung him along? Is that why he called her a cocktease? I was nothing like Tammy. Or Phoebe.

"I'm not trying to string you along," I told him honestly.

His dark look brightened, marginally. "So, maybe I can take you on a date sometime." It wasn't a question. He knew my answer.

I bit my bottom lip to stop them from trembling. "Sure. I'd like that."

Ryan moved closer and confidently took my hand. My cold fingers laced with his. "Do you think we can schedule that rain-checked date—?"

The door of Roosevelt Hall opened, the heavy wood crashing against the brick wall.

"Come on." Ryan pulled on my hand as we ran around the side of the building, both of us hidden among the overgrown ivy.

"Meghan!" I heard a man yelling.

We peered around the corner to watch the drama unfold. It was Dr. Daniels. He was rushing after the same woman from earlier. Meghan ran down the steps, wiping at her face as if she were crying.

"What the hell?" Ryan whispered beside me. I could feel his warm breath on my cheek as I pressed into him so we wouldn't be seen.

We watched as Dr. Daniels grabbed hold of Meghan before she could get away. She pulled back, clearly fighting against him.

"Stop it, Clement, please stop!" she shouted, her voice wavering and broken.

"Shut up!" he barked, giving her arm a shake. He darted a look around and Ryan and I automatically moved back into the ivy, obscuring us from his view. I felt my body stiffen as I watched them. Ryan was a bundle of tension beside me. I felt it radiating off him.

Meghan was really struggling, but the professor continued to hold her tightly. He leaned in, his lips close to her ear, and spoke softly. Whatever he said had an immediate effect. She went limp, her head bowing. Dr. Daniels lifted her chin and kissed her.

I felt my insides lurch, but neither Ryan nor I said anything. I felt like I shouldn't be watching, but I couldn't help myself.

This is wrong!

I wanted to stop them. I wanted to pull her away from him. I wanted to …

Dr. Daniels broke the kiss first, his voice still too low for us to hear. Meghan was clearly unhappy with his words. She shook her head and tried to back away. Dr. Daniels looked furious. This was a far cry from the kind man I had spoken to earlier.

Finally she pushed away from him. He yelled after her, and this time, he was very clear.

"You stupid girl. I won't let you ruin my life." His words were like gunshots.

She let out a strangled sob and ran in the direction of the freshmen dorms. Dr. Daniels stared after her for a few more moments, his fingers combing through his hair, before heading back into Roosevelt Hall.

As soon as the older man was gone, Ryan moved away from me. "She's such an idiot." He sounded horrified. Outraged. He was clenching his teeth hard enough to break bone. "I should go talk to her."

I frowned in confusion—and irritation. "Do you know her?"

Ryan's wouldn't quite meet my eyes. "That's Meghan Lambert. She … uh … yeah, I know her."

I wanted to get indignant. The implication was obvious. Instead, I remained quiet. Stewing on my bitter thoughts.

Ryan's expression was shuttered. "I can't believe her." He shook his head. "Why would she get involved with him? What the hell?" He ran his hands through his short hair, he was a muddied mixture of aggrieved and furious. "I need to talk to her."

My chest felt like ice. "Fine." I couldn't help but sound devastated.

His eyes softened, his anger abating slightly. "Jess," he murmured my name and reached for me again. "Please don't read more into this—"

I forced myself to smile. To relax. "I said it's fine. You obviously need to talk to her, so go."

He seemed momentarily conflicted. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure." My mouth ached with the effort it took to look unaffected. The smile stayed in place. Inside I was howling.

Then he kissed me. A brief touch of lips that felt distracted rather than passionate. His thoughts were elsewhere. Then he was gone. Off to check on a girl that wasn't me. I stared after Ryan, wishing that he'd come back, and furious at Meghan for putting me in this position.

Five Days Later

"Oh my god!" Daisy gasped, pointing to the TV. I was lying on my bed, legs stretched out in front of me, pretending to read Great Expectations for my Victorian Literature class. I knew, deep down, it was another assignment I'd never complete.

I looked up and froze. A young woman's face filled the screen. A face I recognized immediately.

Daisy turned the volume up. "Nineteen-year-old Meghan Lambert, a freshman at Southern State University, has been reported missing by her family."

Daisy turned to me. "She lives in our dorm. I think she's on the second floor."

I couldn't look at the TV. "We don't know what this means—"

"Listen," Daisy interrupted, glued to the news report.

"Meghan is the third girl to go missing since November. Tammy Estep, who has only recently been named a missing person, was last seen on November 12. Phoebe Baker, also a freshman at Southern State University, was reported missing on December 8 by her parents. While authorities have yet to make a statement regarding Meghan Lambert, speculation is rife over the potential connections between the three women, and police are keen to know Meghan's last whereabouts. Links to the morbidly named North Carolina Boogie Man have been mentioned in connection to the three women, though authorities refuse to comment."

"Daisy, turn that off," I pleaded, closing my book and putting it on my desk. My heart was pounding in my chest, a sick feeling clawing at me.

My roommate muted the TV, the images of the college and missing Meghan still bright on the screen.

She came over and sat on my bed. "Seriously, this is getting really scary. You can't dismiss my idea that it's a serial killer, now. That's three girls, Jess. Something horrible is going on." Daisy's distress was obvious. She bunched my new comforter in her hands, her pupils dilated in fear.

I wanted to make her feel better. I wanted to calm her. But the truth was, I was worried too. This wasn't something that could be mistaken anymore. These were clear and obvious crimes.

The overwhelming desire to call my dad left me shaky. I needed his reassurance. He was the only one who could make this better.

Or he'd make things a whole lot worse.

"No, I don't think there's a serial killer," I began, "there's no indication anything even happened to them." I felt a heaviness in my limbs. A sinking feeling as if I was being dragged down.

Daisy cuddled against me. "I don't know, Jess. What if we're next? I'm starting to think maybe I should go home."

I put my arms around my friend, hoping to comfort her despite the anxiety I was also feeling. "You have nothing to worry about, Daisy. I promise," I assured her.

Daisy looked up at me. "But you can't possibly know that. You can't say we're safe when it's becoming more and more obvious that we're not."

I didn't know what to say, so I defaulted to my tried-and-true response. Silence.

When I did nothing to assuage her fear, Daisy moved to her own bed as if she needed the space between us. "Seriously, Jess, we should stick together from now on, okay? I'm going to suggest a buddy system with the other pledges."

"The police think Tammy and Phoebe took off. Maybe Meghan did, too." My theory fell flat. "But if it'll make you feel better, I'll escort you to every class." I tried to sound airy and unconcerned. I was pretty sure I wasn't succeeding.

Daisy gave me an opaque look that bothered me. "Thanks, Jess. I hope you're right." She stood up and reached for her shower caddy. "I'm gonna go get a shower before dinner."

"Want me to stand guard?" I joked half-heartedly.

"Nah, I think I'll be okay," she remarked weakly before leaving the room.

I grabbed the remote, pointing it at the TV to turn it off when a picture of a yellow muscle car filled the screen. Against my better judgment, I turned up the volume again.

"An eyewitness has come forward claiming to have seen Meghan Lambert in a car similar to this one, a Boss 429 Mustang, on the day she went missing. Police are now looking for any information regarding this vehicle …"

I dropped the remote control and it clattered to the floor. I stood frozen in a state of horror with the image of a car, nearly identical to my father's Mustang, on the television.