13. Thane

13

THANE

Idon’t have an answer to Catalina’s question. I haven’t been to this room in five long years. It was always special to me, but after Brant was killed, I couldn’t bear to be here without him. I look down at Catalina. Having her here should feel wrong. She’s not Brant. She can never be Brant.

It just feels?.?.?. different.

“This is a safe place,” I finally manage. “A place I value.” Her words still ring in my head. Trapped. I shouldn’t care too much if she feels that way as long as she’s safe?.?.?. but I do care. Too much. Showing her this space won’t magically make her feel less hemmed in, though. She can reach it on her own, but only if she swims. An impossible feat considering her current circumstances.

I don’t know why I brought her here. There are dozens of places about the tower that would serve the purpose of a safe space for her to learn to swim. But?.?.?. I don’t regret it.

She steps carefully away from me and turns slowly to look around again. The relaxing of her body is subtle, but I’ve watched her closely enough to note it. Catalina inhales deeply and glances over her shoulder at me. “Well, don’t just stand there like a bump on a log. Show me around.”

Everything here can be seen in a single sweep, but I move closer to her all the same. “There is a hot spring there.” I point to the pool tucked back between the two waterfalls closest to each other and then to the one in the middle. “This is not connected to the rest of the water by any openings big enough for predators to get through. I would like to teach you to swim here.”

Catalina blinks those big eyes at me. I have no idea what’s going on in that frightening brain of hers, but she keeps her wild smile tucked away. She’s very serious as she examines the pool, circling it slowly. “You brought me here?.?.?. to teach me to swim.”

Her disbelief makes me straighten. “You are not comfortable in open water,” I say stiffly. “This is deep enough to serve but also closed away so you can feel safe.” When she keeps looking at me, I find myself continuing. “You’re always safe with me, of course, but you won’t be able to concentrate on swimming if you are too busy flinching at every movement around us.”

She stares at me for another long moment and then nods, almost to herself. “Okay, you’ve convinced me. Teach me to swim.”

I don’t quite breathe an exhale of relief, but it’s a near thing. This won’t fix the overarching problem of her unhappiness here, but I don’t have a solution to that problem yet. Maybe Embry will have some suggestions. Ze has been giving me sharp looks whenever ze is in my presence, so goddess only knows what opinions ze has managed to keep to zirself since Catalina arrived.

“You won’t drown.”

Her lips quirk into an almost smile. “Yes, I’m aware.”

“I’m repeating myself because I suspect humans learn to swim very differently than my people.” I reach down and touch the gills tucked just beneath my ribs. They’re closed currently, since we’re on land. “We learn beneath the surface.”

Catalina gives that far more consideration than she’s given anything else we’ve talked about to date. Finally, she nods. “Okay, we’ll try things your way.” Before I can say another word, she slips off her dress.

I should look away. I even command myself to drop my gaze. It’s as if another has taken control of my body?.?.?. specifically my eyes. I trace the sight of her. The curve of her hips, the soft line of her stomach, her breasts—goddess, but I want her. Coaxing orgasms from her, watching her lose herself to pleasure, is an addiction I don’t know how to shake.

I’m not certain I want to rid myself of it.

“Thane.” Catalina wets her lips. “If you don’t stop looking at me like that, we’re not going to swim at all, and while I’m not super opposed to cumming again, I very much want to earn your cock.”

Earn your cock.

I close my eyes, but there’s no relief behind my lids. Her presence soaks into every bit of this space, from the air I breathe to the rock beneath my tentacles. It’s ridiculous. Absurd. One would think I’m smitten with this confusing human, which I most certainly am not. “Right.”

If I don’t do something quickly, I’ll keep standing here staring at her, and then staring will become touching, and then she’s right. We won’t do any swimming at all. I’m having trouble remembering why that’s a bad thing, which is problem enough.

The woman needs more than orgasms. I may not be able to offer her proper freedom, not without accompanying her personally, but I can offer her this.

Before I can talk myself out of this route, I slide into the pool and motion for her to follow. “Come here.”

Catalina doesn’t hesitate. She slips into the water next to me and immediately goes under. I follow her down and catch her waist. She blinks at me, obviously trying to be calm but just as obviously not succeeding. I can’t speak to her down here, but I hold her steady until she inhales deeply and relaxes.

Which is right around the time I realize I may not be the best suited to teach a human to swim. My people move with our tentacles. Humans only have two legs. But so do demons and dragons and the rest of the people in this realm. I try to remember exactly what that looks like. It’s been a long time since I’ve had cause to swim with anyone outside my people.

I wonder if that’s a mistake.

There have been so many made in the past five years. We may be at peace, but since Brant’s death, it’s a fraught peace. It feels more like a pile of tinder that may burst into flame at any moment. The people in different territories don’t mix as much as they used to. Tensions are higher than they’ve been in all the years I’ve ruled.

None of that is a problem for right now.

I spin Catalina around until her back is to my chest. She tenses, but only for a moment. Her ass presses against me, and it’s distracting, but I force myself to focus. I take her wrists and slowly move her arms in an approximation of swimming.

After brief consideration, I shift her away from me, giving her as much room as possible. She tentatively moves her arms like I showed her and then starts kicking her legs. Soon she’s paddling in circles around the space. Now’s the time to let go of her. She’s got the idea of it, and she needs space to figure out the rest.

It’s still far more difficult than it has right to be to release her. The moment I do, she sinks several feet and freezes. But when she looks up and finds me above her, she exhales a string of bubbles and begins moving again.

After ten minutes, I hook an arm around her waist and take us both to the surface. Catalina grins at me. “Did you see me? Swimming like a goddamned fish!”

She has a long way to go before anyone would mistake her awkward movements as fishlike, but I won’t say a single thing to dampen her excitement. She looks so?.?.?. happy. “You did well.”

Catalina allows me to hoist her onto the edge of the pool. I realize my mistake as soon as I shift back. She’s naked but for the water coating her skin, and that’s more ornament than anything else. Even as I watch, a rivulet from her wet hair slides down one breast to course over her nipple. It’s puckered and tight with the cool air, and I can’t help licking my lips. I have barely gotten a taste of this woman, and I want so much more.

Goddess, am I really jealous of water right now?

She shakes out her arms, apparently oblivious to the direction of my thoughts. “Wow, that was more of a workout than I expected. Silly, right? Of course it’s a workout, or it wouldn’t be an Olympic sport.” She lifts her legs out of the water and frowns at them. “You aren’t secretly trying to get me to work out, are you? That would be shady.”

I swear I don’t understand half of what comes out of her mouth, but I recognize the sliver of insecurity on her face. It gives me the motivation I need to dial my desire back and focus on the conversation. “I have no desire to change anything about you.”

“You’d be the first.” Before I can examine that, she continues blithely on. “I think I’ve been very good, don’t you, Thane?”

For once, I won’t be distracted by the temptation of her desire. “Who wants to change you?”

She frowns but answers, “Who doesn’t? I am hardly the perfect daughter my mother wanted, and she never hesitates to detail all the ways I’ve failed her as her only child. My father was distant, and when he got sick of my mom’s bullshit, he took off, and it doesn’t matter what I do to gain his attention, the most I get is birthday cards—usually a month or two late.”

“Catalina—”

“Then there were boyfriends and girlfriends and lovers, but none of them lasted because I inevitably did something to fuck it up. I’m too much, Thane.” She grins, though it doesn’t reach her eyes. “So I embrace that. If I’m too much for them, they can choke on me. When I get my money from Azazel, I won’t have to worry about being too much for anyone, because they’ll just be happy to let me pay their way.”

I want to pull her close and hug away the fragility lurking beneath her bravado. Considering the fact she’s bristling and obviously ready for a fight, she might clock me in the jaw if I try. Instead, I offer her the only comfort I can. My truth. “I’m lonely, too.”

“What? I didn’t say I was—”

“It wasn’t always like this. Before I always had Brant at my side.” It hurts to talk about him, but it’s not the soul-wrenching pain that first came to me with every memory. It’s softened into something that aches, but better to ache than to feel nothing at all. “I think you would have liked him. Everyone did. He was bright and shining and brought joy into every room he walked into.”

Catalina watches me closely, something strange on her face. “I’m sorry you lost him.”

I am, too, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. “I don’t know how to be around others anymore. Not like he did. I’m too abrupt, too cold. It makes people uncomfortable.” A compounded loss, though it took longer for this one to settle in. I didn’t think I liked people, but I miss spending time in comfortable silence with others while I watch Brant charm the room. Without that sunshine, there is only silence, which makes people jumpy. Skittish. So I stopped trying. “Honestly, it was a bit of a relief to create space, but there are times when I miss the company.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Please tell me you’re not about to say we’re alike.”

“We aren’t.” I can’t deny that our personalities seem to be polar opposites, but that core of loneliness is one I recognize on an intrinsic level. Maybe it’s what drew me to her in the first place, though I can’t be entirely sure.

“Thane,” she says slowly. “You rule a territory, but even if you’re right that everyone is holding their breath until you step down, that doesn’t change the fact Embry clearly loves the shit out of you. It’s there in every roll of zir eyes. If ze didn’t care, ze wouldn’t be so exasperated with you all the damn time.”

I have doubted so many things since Brant died, but not that. Embry has done too much for me to doubt zir love. “People care about you.”

“Do they?” She lifts a shoulder as if I can’t see her emotionally bleeding out from years’ worth of emotional wounds. “Empirical evidence says otherwise.”

“Catalina.” I wait for her to look at me. “I care about you.”

“No, you don’t. You don’t even like me. I’m loud and obnoxious and too chaotic for your nice, orderly life. You are counting down the years until you can get rid of me.”

“Catalina.” I move closer and take her face in my hands. She refuses to look at me for several beats, but I’m content to wait her out. When she finally lifts her gaze to mine, I repeat, “I care about you.”

“Thane?.?.?.”

She sounds like she’s begging, but I can’t begin to guess for what. For me to stop saying it? For me to say it more? Since I don’t know, I do the only thing that I know she will accept. I kiss her. There’s a force drawing us together that’s stronger than gravity, and I am heartily tired of resisting it. I don’t understand this thing growing between us, but I want it.

I want her.