Chapter 5

CHAPTER

5

‘I’m sorry, Matt. But you know what she can be like.’

Matt and Brian, his father-in-law—or was it former father-in-law?—were sitting in Matt’s living room, while sounds of Vicki and her grandmother baking came from the kitchen.

‘You should have called. You know I want you and Sally to be part of Vicki’s life, but I was working. I need that sale to keep the business going. To keep our home.’

‘You know, if you moved to Newcastle near us, we’d be able to help. Sally would love to babysit when you are working. Vicki is so like Kim …’ His voice trailed off and Matt knew the pain his father-in-law was feeling. It wasn’t right that a parent should have to bury their child. And it wasn’t right that Vicki should grow up without her mother. Or that Matt should be alone. Sometimes life wasn’t fair.

The two men were still sitting in silence, each lost in his own memories, when Vicki came through from the kitchen, proudly and oh so carefully carrying a plate with a cake on it.

‘Look, Daddy. Grandpa. I baked a cake.’

‘Well, so you did. And it’s a lovely cake.’ Matt got up to ensure the cake made it safely to the coffee table.

‘Are you going to have some of my cake, Grandpa?’

‘Of course I am, sweetheart.’

Sally cut the first slice and laid it on a small plate. She handed it to Vicki to deliver. ‘Your mummy used to cook cakes all the time, darling girl. Do you remember?’ There was a pleading tone to Sally’s voice.

Vicki put her head on the side. ‘I … I think so. Daddy?’

‘She did, honey. But it’s all right if you don’t remember.’ Matt felt Sally’s glare, but he ignored it.

‘Your mummy loved you very much, Vicki.’ Sally’s voice was harsh. Matt knew it was grief making it sound that way, but Vicki didn’t and his little girl’s face fell. ‘You must always remember that she loved you.’

Matt could have cursed. Sally was right. Of course she was right. He wanted Vicki to remember her mother and they often talked about her together. But Vicki had been four when Kim died and it’s hard to hang on to memories when you’re that young. Sally was making it sound as if Vicki was doing something wrong. Something that deserved punishment.

‘Vicki, honey, remember what we talked about? Mummy knows that you love her. And she’ll always be part of our family. Even if sometimes we forget the little things, we’ll never forget how much she loved us.’

Vicki nodded. She looked around at the grown-ups, then her face brightened. ‘Grandpa, there are alpacas coming to live near us soon. Look, I have a book.’ She darted across the room and returned with one of the books she’d been reading. She opened it and showed it to her grandfather. ‘Aren’t they pretty?’

‘Alpacas?’ Sally frowned. ‘They’re big animals. Aren’t they dangerous?’

‘It’s all right, Granny, they’re not dangers. They’re pretty. Look.’ Vicki thrust the book at Sally, who barely gave it a glance. ‘Daddy says we can go visit the alpacas when they come to live with the lady.’

Sally’s brows shot up. ‘The lady?’

‘The women I was with at the pub today,’ Matt said, trying to keep his growing annoyance out of his voice. ‘One of them is thinking of buying one of the properties on my books. It’s a good sale, important to the business. And I think it’ll be good for the town too. She is apparently an alpaca breeder.’

‘And I’m going to meet the alpacas. Aren’t I, Daddy?’

‘We’ll see. It’s really up to Bree—to Ms Johnston.’

The look Sally threw him left him with no doubt there was an unpleasant discussion ahead.

Sure enough, at the first opportunity, Sally left Brian and Vicki in the living room with the bundle of gifts they’d brought for her and followed Matt into the kitchen. He’d barely put the collection of dirty coffee mugs down when Sally turned on him.

‘I was very disappointed to find you in the pub with those women, Matt. On a Saturday. When Vicki is not at school she needs someone with her.’

‘She was fine, visiting a friend and playing with their cat. I have a business to run, Sally. And I can’t take Vicki with me on property inspections. That’s not right for anyone.’

‘If you’d move closer to us, we could help. And Vicki would have a better school. More friends. More opportunities.’

‘Kim wanted Vicki to grow up here, in the place we made our home. And I’m doing everything I can to make that happen. Can’t you understand that?’

Tears shone in Sally’s eyes. ‘All I understand is that after Kim came here with you, we hardly ever saw her. And now she’s gone.’ The agony in Sally’s voice matched his own.

Matt’s heart went out to her. Losing her daughter had almost destroyed Sally. She was no longer the warm, loving woman Matt had met when he first fell in love with Kim. She had become tight and hard and bitter. Matt could pity her and pity Brian as well. He’d lost his daughter and also, it seemed, his wife. But Matt had his own grief to deal with. Grief that was with him every day and was at times, when he looked at Vicki and those eyes so like her mother’s, a physical pain.

‘I lost my only child.’ Sally’s words were like a cry for help.

‘Sally, I understand your grief. But you need to get past it. Kim would not have wanted to see you like this.’

His mother-in-law was silent. When she finally spoke, her voice quivered. ‘I’m sorry, Matt. I know I can be—It’s so hard. So very, very hard.’

Matt stepped closer and gently put his arms around her, drawing her to him. ‘It is hard, Sally. And I know how much you love Vicki. How much you loved Kim. I think …’ He hesitated, but if he was ever going to say the words, now was the time. ‘Have you considered getting some help? Seeing someone? A therapist. To help you deal—’

Sally pushed him away. ‘What are you suggesting? No. I’m fine. You’re just looking for an excuse to keep me away from Kim.’

‘Don’t you mean from Vicki?’

Sally’s face was a mask, hard and emotionless. ‘Of course I do. I hardly ever get to see her. You live so far away. You won’t let us come up during the week.’

‘Sally, I would never try to keep you away from Vicki. You’re important to her and she loves you both. But it has to be on my terms. I need you to call to let me know you’re coming. And yes, there will be times I say no. Vicki needs a stable life and that’s what I’m trying to give her. During the week she has school and homework. And it’s our time together. And you can’t bring a load of presents every time you come.’ Matt waved his hand in the direction of the living room.

‘It’s not fair!’ It was a cry wrenched from the depths of Sally’s soul.

Matt could not disagree.

***

Later that night, as he was tucking her in bed, Vicki suddenly sat up and gave him a tight hug.

‘Daddy,’ she whispered without letting him go, ‘sometimes I think I can’t really remember Mummy. All I can see in my head is the photos we have. Is that bad?’

Matt pulled her tight to his chest, wishing for the thousandth time he could take away the hurt. ‘No, honey. It isn’t bad at all.’ He gently lowered her to the pillow and reached for the framed photo on the bedside table. It was a copy of the one on his computer. ‘I remember the day we took this photo. We were on holidays. We went to the beach. You played in the sand and we all swam in the water. It was such a good day.’

Vicki’s face broke into a smile. ‘I remember the beach.’

‘Of course you do. Do you remember how you felt that day?’

‘I was happy. We laughed a lot.’

‘That’s right. We were all very happy. Mummy was part of that happiness. As long as you remember what it feels like to be happy, you’ll always have Mummy with you.’

‘I miss her.’

‘So do I, Vicki. So do I. Now, you go to sleep and have nice dreams. Okay?’

‘Yes.’ Vicki wrapped her arms around her favourite stuffed toy and closed her eyes.

Matt sat with her for a few minutes, but when it was clear she was asleep, he got to his feet. He left the door open a little so he would hear if she called out in the night. His bedroom, the one he had shared with Kim, was across the hall. He didn’t bother turning the light on when he went inside. It was easier sometimes not to see the emptiness. He lay down, still dressed, on top of the bed as he did so often when getting into bed only reminded him he was alone.

I’m worried about your mother, Kim. She’s struggling and won’t get help. It’s starting to affect Vicki. I want to help Sally, but I have to protect our daughter. I don’t know what to do.

Silence was his only answer. He lay staring out into the empty darkness until sleep finally claimed him.