16. Amy

CHAPTER 16

AMY

SIX WEEKS LATER

Itake a deep breath, looking at the red circle on the calendar. There’s a little less than three weeks until the wedding.

I don’t think I’m ready.

Nineteen days until I walk down the aisle to the start of a marriage I want but don’t know if I can handle.

In the weeks since Xander found me at the bar, I’ve felt more alone than ever, even when he’s sitting right beside me.

Tonight is going to be different.

This is going to be the last night I spend on my own, sitting in my future husband’s chambers and wondering if there’s even a friendship there to build a relationship off of.

I take a deep breath, heading into my closet and rummaging through the lingerie Daphne bought for me. Most of it is racier than anything I would even think about wearing right now, but there’s an emerald baby doll in the back. The fabric is light and airy, the right amount of sheer to make it impossible to focus on anything other than me.

Which is exactly what I need if the two of us are finally going to have a conversation for the first time in days.

As I slip into the baby doll, there’s a moment of wondering.

Am I doing the right thing?

Should I leave him to his own devices?

Will I be comfortable in a marriage with a husband who has made it his mission in life to avoid being alone with me?

I don’t think I can.

As I pull on a silk robe over the lingerie, I consider changing into jeans and a blouse. Something a little more understated. Nothing that looks like it was made for seduction.

Whatever. Lingerie is better than completely naked.

Unless he doesn’t find me attractive. Then this is going to be for nothing.

I could walk into the room, and he could walk right out of it without a second thought.

Groaning, I run my hands down my face.

When I met with Cora the other evening, she told me that her nephew thrived on isolating himself and that she was hoping I was the one who would break through it all.

Meanwhile, Daphne made it clear that her father is waiting for this relationship to fail.

And then there’s the way Meri has been looking at me recently. It’s like she can see that the relationship — if I can even call it that — is on the rocks and headed for disaster.

I have to do something fast, and this is the best option I have.

I won’t allow Xander’s family to steal the throne. Not when it means so much to him.

With that in mind, I push past the last of the insecurities holding me back, heading through the chambers to one of the secret passages Daphne showed me the other day.

The door slides open after a press of a stone just beside the mantel. I step into it and flick on the lights, following the path she told me about to get to the room where Xander has allegedly been hiding from me.

My heart hammers in my chest as I walk across the cold stone, down a flight of stairs, and down another passage before finally reaching the door marked with a green stone.

Something about this feels like it could be right out of a fantasy novel, and the thought steadies me a little.

I’m not just a woman trying to get her future husband back on the right track for his sake. I’m a queen escaping the villains who linger in the dark, circling like vultures and waiting for their chance to strike.

With a deep breath, I push open the door, only to be met with the smell of old books and baked goods.

I spy the plate of chocolate chip cookies I made earlier in the day sitting on the corner of Xander’s desk as he bends over a paper with a magnifying glass.

“Seems like you’re busy,” I say, tone soft as I step into the room and shut the door behind me.

He jumps to his feet, spinning and looking at me, black ink smeared on his cheek. “What are you doing?”

“I thought it would be better to come find you and see if you’re going to be coming to bed one of these nights instead of hiding out here.” I brush past him, looking at the bookshelves that line one wall.

Most of the spines are gilded and leather covered. I don’t want to think about the fortune he or someone else in his family must have spent on this room.

Xander sits down, turning back to the papers in front of him. “You didn’t have to do that. I’m just going to be going over documents.”

“Until you get tired and fall asleep on the couch,” I say, nodding to a beige suede couch in front of the window. “And then you pretend that working late was the reason you avoid coming to your chambers even though you sleep on the couch in there too.”

“I thought we agreed that it was best that we were just friends.” He looks up, the stern expression falling as his gaze rakes up and down my body.

There’s a flash of interest there. It’s on his face for a fraction of a second before it’s gone.

I tug at the tie around my waist, letting the robe fall open. “We are just friends, but friends talk to each other, and you haven’t been talking to me at all.”

“And that means that you come into my office and decide to try seduction as a technique to get me to listen to you?” He scoffs and grabs his pen, underlining something in the document he’s going through.

“I’m not trying anything.” I sit down in one of the armchairs across the desk from him, crossing one leg over the other. “This is just what I wear to bed.”

He gives me a flat look. “It’s not a good time, Amy. I have a lot of work to do. Changing the line of succession is taking longer than I ever imagined. Instating free lunches in schools is an uphill battle, even though the policy already passed, and there are about a thousand other things I’m trying to push through.”

“And none of them are going to go anywhere if we can’t convince everyone that this is a real relationship.”

“You saw the stories that broke after the night at the club,” he says, his tone bitter as he leans back in the chair and crosses his arms. “The public thinks we’re a couple who are happily in love with each other. They thought it was a joy getting to spend time with royals who were just trying to have a good time.”

“What’s so wrong about that?” I can’t keep the hurt out of my voice as I look away from him, focusing on the stars dancing in the sky outside the window.

“There are a dozen things wrong with that. The first being the chewing out I got from Jorge. He thinks that you’re going to drag me back into the party lifestyle and that I’m going to ruin this for myself.”

“Xander, I’m here precisely because I don’t want you to ruin this. Daphne told me that Stavros is putting more pressure on the council to assess whether you’re going to be a good leader or not. Do you think the housekeepers don’t talk to each other?”

“What are you talking about?” Xander pinches the bridge of his nose before shaking his head. “You know what, I don’t have time to deal with this tonight.”

“No.” I lean forward, taking the papers from in front of him and shuffling them to the side. “You’re not going to write me off because you’ve got something going on in your head that I’m not privy to. I agreed to do this with you.”

“Fine.”

He scowls and gets up, going over to a decanter on one of the shelves and pulling down a bottle of something amber. He pours a large glass and comes back to the desk, setting it to the side, although he doesn’t take a sip.

I sigh and try to get comfortable, but it feels like the walls are closing in. “The housekeepers were talking to the chef the other day when I went to the kitchens to work on some recipes. They’re talking about you sleeping in the study.”

“I’ll come to our chambers at night, then. Is that all?”

“No.” I get up and tie the robe tight. “Let’s go for a walk. I can’t think straight in here. It feels like you’re the one holding all the power and I’m coming for a meeting with the king. I hate it.”

I glare at the portrait of his family staring down at us from over the fireplace.

Xander sighs but gets up, catching sight of the ink on his cheek in a mirror near the door and wiping it away.

We walk through the empty halls out to the stables, passing the barn and down the landscaped path to one of the fields in the back with a massive tree.

“Yorgos and I used to play out here all the time when we were younger.” Xander tucks his hands into the pockets of his slacks.

“Were you two close?”

“We were, even though Yorgos was a good few years older than me.” Xander points to a little stream that cuts between the field on the ground and the forest, the fence that surrounds the castle just barely visible. “We used to climb that wall there and take off into the woods.”

Chuckling, I look up at him. “Security must’ve loved that.”

“I keep thinking about what he would say if he were here right now.”

“What would he say?”

“He would probably try to race me to the tree.” His lips quirk to the side.

“Last one to the tree has to tell the other what’s on their mind.”

Before he can respond, I take off running, knowing that he’s going to outpace me in seconds. His longer legs and what I suspect is a desire to keep his emotions to himself have him running past me.

Xander leans against the tree, hands in his pockets, crossing his legs at the ankles as he gives me a smug smile. “So, what’s on your mind?”

“You’ve been avoiding me for weeks, and I hate it. I hate that I came here and decided to agree to marry you, thinking that maybe we could be friends. But then we gave each other these mixed signals, agreeing to be adults one minute and then dodging each other the next.”

“Let’s be fair about this. I know that I’m the one doing the dodging.”

I nod and lean beside him against the tree trunk. “You are, but maybe I’m not making this easier on you either. I know I spend a lot of time learning how to be a queen, more so after those pictures of us at the club went public.”

“We knew that was going to happen.”

“And Jorge gave me quite the dressing down about it.” I nudge him. “I should’ve pulled out the orphan card. It might’ve been a good time for it.”

“Wouldn’t work. The man is in his sixties and still hasn’t found his heart.”

Laughing, I scuff my toe in the soft grass at my feet. “I think you want out of this, but you don’t want to admit it,” I say.

“No!”

I pause, lips pressing together in a thin line.

Butterflies erupt low in my stomach, beating their wings as that familiar feeling of falling for someone races through my body.

As difficult as he can be, and as avoidant as he is, there’s no denying that the sweeter moments with Xander I share have him worming his way beneath my skin.

The harder parts only make me like him more.

“If you don’t want to end this, then what do you want?”

“You,” he says, his voice barely more than a whisper as he looks down at me. “Always you.”

My heart skips a beat as our eyes lock on each other. With the way he’s staring at me right now, my pulse is a runaway train.

“Why is wanting me so horrible to you?”

“I lose everyone and everything I care about. For the last few years, it’s been nothing but death and desertion. And we have a timeline.”

“We do.”

“This is only supposed to be business between us. And then it started morphing into having fun together, and if we keep going, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to walk away when this all ends.”

It feels like the air has been forced from my lungs as he stands in front of me, bracing himself with a hand against the tree on either side of my body.

I don’t touch him, waiting to see what he does. Needing him to want me as much as I want him.

The moment is ruined when he takes a step back and shakes his head. “I can’t keep doing this, Amy. We need to set solid boundaries with each other, and we need to stick to them. I can’t keep toeing this line with you and thinking that this relationship might end in something other than both of us getting what we want and walking away.”

A lump lodges in my throat, and I take a shaking breath, trying to figure out what to say to him.

We’re in two very different places and that has been evident for a long time, but it seems like a starker comparison now.

Our wedding is in less than three weeks, and I’m getting married to a man who is standing here and telling me that this is never going to be anything more than what it already is.

And I need to find a way to be okay with that.

“All right, well, we’re adults. Adults like to have fun. Like we said after the club, this doesn’t have to be anything serious. Sex and friendship. Nothing more. To be honest, I don’t plan on staying in Katastinia once the contract is done.”

The words taste like ash in my mouth, making it dry as I fight back the tears that prick the corners of my vision.

Thankfully, it’s too dark for him to see what I’m sure are glassy eyes and splotchy cheeks.

What little emotion there was drains from his face as he tugs on the robe, loosening it and sliding it down my shoulders to puddle on the ground.

“All sex. No feelings. Not when we both know that this is still going to end as we planned.” Xander says the words like they’re the law, his gaze searching mine.

I force myself to be cold as I nod. “No emotions. Just sex. And you need to make more of an effort to look like we’re together. The staff are talking, and it’s only a matter of time before it reaches the media.”

“I’ll come to the chambers and sleep in the bed.”

“I’ll build a pillow wall for you before I go to sleep every night.”

Xander recoils like I’ve slapped him, but the look is gone quickly and his lips are on mine.

I slant my mouth against his, fingers sinking into his hair as he scoops me up before lowering us both to the ground. He kisses his way down my neck and chest, tugging on the ribbon between my breasts.

He groans as he pulls it open, the sheer fabric falling away. “You’re so beautiful, you know that? Spending the night in bed with you is going to be torture.”

I roll my eyes, reaching for his shirt and tugging it up over his head. “I don’t know. I think not touching you would be a worse punishment.”

Chuckling, he takes one of my nipples into his mouth, the sharp sting of his teeth against the sensitive peak sending a rush of lust through my body.

He cups my other breast, pulling it between his fingers and pinching until I start to writhe beneath him. His low moan increases the arousal between my legs.

Xander switches to the other side, repeating the process as my thighs press into his hips hard.

Arching my back off the ground, I grind into him, needing more.

He presses down into me, the bulge of his cock grinding between my legs until it disappears.

As he kisses his way down my body, shoving the babydoll out of his way, his tongue traces patterns on my skin. My fingers sink into his hair, tugging him closer to me.

When his mouth closes over my pussy, I see stars.

His fingers press into me, massaging my inner walls as his tongue flicks over my clit.

My hips rock off the ground with each thrust of his fingers. I hook my leg over his shoulder, gasping when he sucks hard on my clit.

“Yes, I’m so close. Please. Don’t stop.”

Xander crooks his fingers against the spot that drives me wild, thrusting against it until I fall to pieces, whimpering as he slips his fingers out.

He slides out of his slacks and boxers, tossing them to the side and kneeling between my legs. “Touch yourself for me. I want to see how much you want me.”

When his hand wraps around the base of his cock, I don’t think I’ve seen anything more attractive in my life.

I slip my fingers along my slit, teasing myself while I watch him stroke. He groans, gaze burning as I press two fingers into me. I plunge them deeper, riding my hand as he watches.

There’s something about him watching me that turns me on.

“I need you, Xander.” I gasp as another orgasm begins to stir.

He smirks and crawls up my body, grabbing my leg behind the knee and hooking it over his hip.

When he sinks into me, my nails dig into his shoulders. I roll my hips in time with him, meeting each thrust and trying to take him as deep as I can.

My inner walls pulse around him as he buries himself to the hilt. He stiffens, his strokes slowing as he comes.

When he pulls out, his fingers press against my clit, swirling as he kisses my neck, sucking on my pulse point until I feel like I’m going to combust.

His fingers dive into me, hard and fast, his heavy breathing making my body tingle. I come as he takes my nipple into his mouth again, sucking on it hard.

Xander teases me, fingers pressing against my clit while he looks at me. “We should go back to the chamber, but screw that pillow wall for tonight.”

After he helps me to my feet, he grabs his shirt and hands it to me.

I pull it on, the scent of his spicy cologne wrapping around me. If there’s no way that anything else is ever going to happen between us, then at least I have this.

I just wish it wasn’t so difficult.

For the next two years, I just have to focus on doing my best to be a good queen. A good wife.

Doing what’s right for the crown and for myself.

This heat between me and Xander is what feels right. It’s easy.

Kiss the spot beneath his ear so he makes a sound that has my core clenching. Nip at his bottom lip when I’m craving him. Grind against him to be rewarded with one of the low moans in the back of his throat.

And because it’s so easy, I lose myself in it, like I’ve lost myself in every other aspect of my life to avoid feeling the pain.