CHAPTER 38

O livia had been asleep for a few hours already, so when Hollis went in to feed her, she thought it would be okay to wake her up. The nurse should be doing this, but Hollis didn’t mind, and it gave her a few minutes with her mom before she would inevitably fall asleep again.

Hollis had missed Raleigh the previous night, and she hadn’t thought it possible to miss someone after only a few hours away from them. In her previous relationships, she’d never missed them like this. In fact, she’d enjoyed having some space at times. When someone was there, wherever they were, there was an expectation that they would do something together or make conversation, and sometimes, Hollis just wanted to read or be alone. Now, she was in love with a woman whom she’d struggled to spend a few hours apart from.

“Do you think I’m too clingy?” she asked her mother after she finished feeding her.

“What?” her mom asked back softly.

“With Raleigh. It was hard, being away from her last night. And when I was in Vancouver, I hated not sleeping next to her.”

“Oh, honey. It’s new.”

“I know. But she needed to be alone last night, and I was so tempted to go over there…” Hollis sat on the bed next to her mom.

“That’s normal.” Olivia smiled. “And I’m sure Raleigh would have wanted to be with you, too.”

“She said she did.”

“Then, she did,” Olivia replied.

Hollis took in her mom’s color, which was paler than usual .

“Should I let you sleep?”

“No, I want to talk to you,” Olivia said, moving her hand slowly to place on top of Hollis’s. “And if you’re worried about wanting too much of Raleigh’s time, I’d suggest you just talk to her. Then again, she’s been here nearly every hour of every day since you two started dating, Hollis. She has…” Olivia needed a minute to catch her breath. “She has her own house. She could’ve been there every day.”

“I know.” Hollis sighed. “I guess what I’m really worried about is what happens when she gets Eden back. I’m saying when now because I’m trying to be optimistic.”

“That’s good. Raleigh needs some optimism,” Olivia said.

“She knows it doesn’t change anything for me; I can’t wait to meet Eden.”

“You’re worried it will change things for Raleigh?”

“It has to. I know I’ll understand, but I also know that Eden’s her daughter, and kids come first. I don’t want to be jealous of a four-year-old, especially one that’s been through so much. I want to be there for Raleigh and make sure she knows she can take whatever time she needs.”

“But you’ll miss her,” Olivia replied.

“I’ve gotten used to her being around all the time.” Hollis shrugged a shoulder.

“One thing your father and I never had was good communication,” Olivia shared. “I had no idea he was struggling with things at first. He never confided in me. When we finally did …” Olivia took a breath. “Talk about it, it was too late. Our marriage was… too far gone.”

“Let me get the nurse to get the oxygen,” Hollis said, noticing her mom was breathing harder than usual.

She didn’t wait for a reply, left the room, and returned with the day nurse, who hooked Olivia up to the oxygen cannula.

“Let’s get this turned on for you,” the kind nurse said, adjusting the canister next to Olivia’s bed. “Is that better?”

“Yes, thank you,” Olivia replied.

The nurse turned to Hollis and said, “She should be on this all the time. ”

“She doesn’t like it,” Hollis replied.

“She can hear you,” Olivia stated. “And I’m stubborn. Don’t blame my daughter.”

The nurse just smiled in Olivia’s direction, squeezed Hollis’s arm, and left the room.

“Hollis?”

“Yeah?” she asked, sitting back down on the side of the bed.

“Will you remember something for me?”

“What?”

“Whenever this thing takes me, you remember that none of this is your fault.”

“Mom…”

“You feel guilt for going to work, for being with Raleigh, for taking time for yourself, for hiring nurses to help take care of me, and you shouldn’t. I’m sick. There was nothing more you could’ve done for me. I need you to remember that.”

“Mom, I–”

“Hollis, I’m serious, honey.”

Hollis nodded, knowing that her mother needed to see her agree.

“You don’t take any of your anger or guilt and use it to stop… what you’re doing now,” Oliva added.

“What? I don’t understand.”

“Don’t be mad at Raleigh because you blame her for showing up when I was sick. She showed up for a reason. And you love her. Don’t take any anger out on her.”

“I won’t. Why would–”

“Because people do it. Don’t do it with her. She will be there after I’m gone. She loves you. She showed up at just the right time because I got to see you so happy with someone, and I’m so grateful, Hollis. I can’t believe I got to have you back, and I get to see you so happy with Raleigh. You’re supporting each other through the hardest times, and that’s important. Never forget that.”

Hollis’s eyes filled with tears, and she said, “Mom, I won’t. But you should rest now. ”

“When you visit your father, you tell him that I forgive him.”

“What?” Hollis wiped at her eyes.

“You tell him that, Hollis. And you remember that too: I forgive him.”

“Mom, he–”

“I know what he did. But it’s too hard to hold on to the anger and the sadness. I want to let it go.” She gripped Hollis’s hand.

“I don’t think I can forgive him,” Hollis said honestly.

“You can and you should, but that’s for you to decide on your own.”

“He barely takes responsibility,” Hollis argued.

“He will. And when he does, it will be… up to you to decide then if that’s… what you needed to forgive him. Just don’t let what he did inform how you… spend the rest of your life.”

“I’m trying not to, but it’s hard,” Hollis said.

“I know, honey.”

“What do I even say to him?”

“You tell him how you feel, how what he did changed you, and you let him have it if you need to, Hollis, but don’t hold on to that anger. It will tear through your life if you let it. I don’t want you to let it. Raleigh is a good person, and she deserves the real you. Eden will, too.”

“I don’t know how much I’ll be in her life at first,” Hollis replied.

“You’ll be there. Raleigh will need some time with her up front, I’m sure, but she won’t forget about you. I have a feeling that one day, Eden could be calling you her stepmom.”

“That’s a long way off if it–”

“Allow a mother to dream, Hollis,” Olivia interrupted.

Hollis smiled and said, “Okay. Let’s dream. What else do you think?”

“That you’ll be a great mom. You’ll read to Eden all of your favorite books until she starts reading them on her own. You’ll color with her and be with Raleigh when you two teach her how…” Olivia coughed. “How to ride a bike. You’ll be proud when you take the training wheels off and watch her get a ribbon for the first time at school.”

“You never got to do that with me,” Hollis said softly, letting the tears fall.

“In my mind, I did,” Olivia replied, looking skyward. “In my heart, I was always with you, Hollis. I was always watching out for you, there for your accomplishments, holding you when you fell and skinned your knee and when you had your heart broken for the first time. I taught you how to cook and how to garden. You told me all about the books you read and left them on my table to read when you were done. We had all of those moments together.”

“Mom…” Hollis held onto her mother’s hand tightly.

“You do all of that for Eden, okay?”

“She’s Raleigh’s daughter, Mom. I–”

“And if you two have another child, you do that for them.”

“Mom…”

“Hollis, don’t plant the roses. You won’t be able to keep up with them. Sunflowers. Plant sunflowers. They’re my favorites, and you can handle them. You just need to remember that they’ll bring bees, so try to keep the kids away from them.”

“Mom, I don’t have kids,” Hollis reminded.

“You should support them.”

“What? Who?”

“The sunflowers. They need supports.”

“Okay. I’ll remember that.”

“Hollis?”

“Yeah?”

“Baby, I need you to go now.”

“You’re tired? You want to sleep?”

“No, baby. I’m tired, and it’s time to go.”

“What?” Hollis stood up. “Nurse!” she yelled.

“I don’t want you to be here when I go, Hollis.”

“I’m not leaving you.”

The nurse rushed into the room .

“Something’s wrong,” Hollis told her quickly because she didn’t know what else to say.

“I love you,” her mom said. “I love you, baby.”

Hollis knelt by the side of the bed and held on to her mom’s hand with both of hers. The nurse tried to move around her, but Hollis didn’t budge.

“You remember…” Olivia said and closed her eyes.

“Do something!” Hollis yelled at the nurse who was taking vitals.

“There’s nothing to do, honey,” the nurse replied, placing her hand on Hollis’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

“CPR.”

“Hollis, she has a DNR,” the nurse explained.

“Mom, come on…” Hollis said, shaking her hand. “Wake up.”

But her mother didn’t say anything, and she didn’t wake up. Hollis could see her chest rising and falling, but even with the oxygen, she knew it was beginning to slow, and it wouldn’t be long before it stopped altogether.

“No, we were supposed to have more time,” Hollis managed out, letting the tears fall. “Mom, please.”

“I’ll leave you alone,” the nurse said and quietly left the room.

“I don’t want to be alone. I’ve been alone my whole life,” she stressed. “Mom, don’t leave me alone yet. I need to know about sunflowers,” she said and kissed the hand she was holding, knowing there was nothing else to be done.

“Mom, I’ll remember, okay? If you can hear me, I’ll remember everything you taught me.” Hollis began to sob. “You don’t have to worry anymore. I’m going to be okay.” She kissed her mom’s hand again and added, “And I’ll dream for you now, okay?”

Then, she watched as her mom’s chest fell and didn’t rise again.

“No!” she let out, watching and waiting for her mom to take a breath. “Mom?! Mom?!”

When nothing happened, Hollis lowered her head to the bed and cried until she felt someone behind her, hugging her as they stood and Hollis knelt.

“I am so sorry,” Raleigh said. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m here.”

And Hollis cried harder.