CHAPTER 31
H ollis had practically insisted Raleigh sleep over, which was fine with her because she was getting used to falling asleep next to Hollis, but she knew she wouldn’t be sleeping tonight.
She stared up at the ceiling, with its streaks of light coming in through the slits in the blinds, and she turned her head to see that the streetlight was the cause. She counted the lines of light on the ceiling, revealing nine, and then counted again in case she’d miscounted the first time. Satisfied that there were only nine lines of light after all – as if that information even mattered to anyone in the world, including her – she rolled onto her side away from Hollis, who was sound asleep, thankfully.
Even though Olivia had the nurses now, Raleigh knew that Hollis still felt a responsibility to be awake twenty-four hours a day for her mother. She smiled because Hollis was just that good of a person. She always put others ahead of herself, often to her own detriment, but Raleigh had been trying to put Hollis first to balance things out a bit.
As she lay there, facing the window now, with new things to stare at and count, Raleigh thought about Eden again and how, earlier, Hollis had said that she wanted her back, too. Raleigh hadn’t doubted that, but it was the way Hollis had said it when, prior to that, neither of them had brought up what might happen if Raleigh actually got her daughter back. It had seemed like such a remote possibility that it hadn’t been something that required addressing so early on in their relationship. On top of that, Raleigh had been to so many group meetings now, where all of these family members spoke about their still-missing children, sisters, parents, and friends, that she assumed she’d remain among them forever.
Now, though, if Dylan and the FBI actually found her little girl, Hollis, Eden, and Raleigh would all have to adjust. And Eden might not even remember her. That part really terrified Raleigh. It also made her incredibly sad, but she pushed back the tears, knowing that if she cried now, Hollis would hear her, and it would wake her up. She’d gotten so good at recognizing Raleigh’s moods in their short time together. Raleigh loved that.
In fact, she’d always wanted someone who understood her without her having to constantly explain things. Millie had done her best, and, in the beginning of their relationship, she’d been good at picking up on whether or not Raleigh was happy, sad, or angry, but that had been her limit. Once the fighting had started, though, Millie had pretty much given up, and Raleigh had given up on getting that part of their relationship back because other things had seemed so much more important at the time.
Still, at the back of her mind, Raleigh couldn’t help but worry about how Hollis would handle having a four-year-old in their lives. Maybe she should just keep Eden away from people for a while and focus on the two of them rebuilding what was lost for over a year? Would Hollis understand if Raleigh asked for some time to be with her daughter and not in a relationship?
“Can’t sleep?”
She heard Hollis’s soft, soothing voice and smiled, turning to face her.
“How did you know?”
“Your foot is tapping. Shook the bed a little,” Hollis said with a smile back at Raleigh.
“I’m sorry. I’ll stop. You can go back to sleep,” Raleigh replied, cupping her cheek. “Maybe I should just go home so that you can get real sleep tonight.”
“No way,” Hollis said before she reached for her and pulled Raleigh close. “I’m okay. I’m just worried about you.”
Raleigh knew then, as she breathed Hollis in, that she wouldn’t be able to let her go. She wanted Eden to know her. She hoped Eden would get to see how Hollis took care of her mom and wished for Eden to one day find someone like Hollis, who would hold her like this when she couldn’t sleep or when something bad happened.
“I’m going to run to the bathroom, okay?” she said. “I’ll be right back.” She pressed her lips to Hollis’s. “Go back to sleep.”
“Okay,” Hollis replied.
As much as Raleigh didn’t want to leave this embrace, she knew she’d keep Hollis awake all night, so she slipped out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom, where she splashed cold water on her face and stared at herself in the mirror. She looked like she’d been crying for hours, which, technically, she had been. Knowing that they might have found Eden was the best news in the world, but the waiting-and-not-knowing part was the hardest part, and it had taken a toll on her. Hollis had held her and soothed her, as always, but Raleigh’s eyes had bags under them the size of the reusable grocery ones, and the eyes themselves were a shade of pink she’d gotten used to seeing.
Done in the bathroom, she intended on going back to Hollis’s room but saw the night nurse in the hallway, coming out of Olivia’s room.
“How is she?” she asked of Olivia, thinking she’d relay the update to Hollis, if she was still awake, and it might help her sleep.
“She’s up, if you want to check. She’s having a good night,” the nurse replied. “Seems she slept most of the day away, so she’s a little restless right now.”
“Can I talk to her, or should she get more sleep?”
“She’ll fall asleep soon, but her next round of meds isn’t for a while, so now is probably a good time to chat with her while she’s up and lucid.”
“Thanks,” Raleigh replied and walked past the nurse and into Hollis’s room to find her asleep. Then, she went into Olivia’s room. “Hi there, night owl,” she greeted with a smile.
“Well, what on earth are you doing up? I know why I’m up: I pee every thirty minutes when they pump me with those fluids. ”
Raleigh laughed softly and walked to the bed.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Hollis?” Olivia asked.
“She’s asleep. I’ve been tossing and turning for a while, and I was waking her up, so I thought I’d come talk to you.”
“Thank you for not saying that you wanted to check on me,” Olivia said, sounding so much better tonight than she had recently. “I’m getting tired of everyone checking on me. It’ll be nice to talk to someone.”
“She just worries,” Raleigh said of Hollis.
“And I worry about both of you, so fill me in.”
Raleigh’s heart warmed at the thought of Hollis’s mom worrying about her when she already had so much to worry about. Olivia had been asleep when they’d gotten back from the station, but when Raleigh had gone home to unpack, start laundry, and pack new clothes in a bag to return to Hollis’s for the night, Hollis had told her mom the basics. Truthfully, Raleigh hadn’t needed a new bag. She could’ve done laundry at Hollis’s place and borrowed anything she’d needed, but she’d wanted space. She hadn’t stayed long at her house, though, because twenty minutes in Eden’s room had brought on another round of full-on sobs, and the silence of the house just made her crave being back with Hollis and Olivia and the nurse who sometimes stopped to chat with them.
“No new updates,” Raleigh shared with Olivia now. “Well, Dylan texted that the cousin said she hadn’t seen or heard from the woman who might have taken Eden in five years. They weren’t a close family, I guess.”
“I’m sorry, honey,” Olivia replied. “What about the brother?”
“He’s out on a training thing. His commanding officer said he was out of reach for the next two days, at least, but that he’d try to get in touch with him, if possible, and have him call. If not, he’ll just have him call when he gets back.”
“They’ll find him, and he’ll tell you something that’ll help you find her ,” Olivia said.
“I hope so. But if they’re not a close family, and he’s been over there for years now, he might not even know anything.”
“Let’s just pray that you’re wrong and I’m right, then,” Olivia replied. “Now, how are you doing?”
“I’ve been worse, but I’ve also been better,” Raleigh told her. “I just don’t know how you did this for so long.”
“Day by day,” Olivia replied.
“I tried that.” Raleigh sighed. “I even tried hour by hour and minute by minute until I just tracked them in my head, and it didn’t help. At first, it was one hundred and forty-two hours without my daughter, but then I tried the minutes, and those were way higher, so I went back to days. Those stretched so long, though; it seemed like an eternity to get through one.”
“I tried to focus on other things,” Olivia shared. “I’d spend weeks searching for the perfect birthday or Christmas gift for her. I didn’t know what she liked, so I’d just search in stores for hours. I’d look online much later, but at first, it was just me inside a toy or department store, walking up and down aisles, thinking about Hollis as if she were at home, waiting for me to cook dinner, and I were just getting a head start on finding her a gift. I think these fantasies and delusions helped a little. They took my mind off the fact that I didn’t know where she was for at least a while. Then,” Olivia paused and took a much-needed breath. “I’d sob in the car because I needed to let it out.”
“I think I’ve done more of the sobbing and less of everything else,” Raleigh replied. “But Hollis, she’s such a gift.”
“She is, isn’t she?” Olivia said with a smile.
“I don’t want you to think that I’m just saying that because she’s taking care of me right now. I’m so crazy about her beyond how she’s been there for me. She’s really funny when she lets it come out, and she–”
“I know.” Olivia patted her hand. “I know. I see you two together, so I know.”
“If I get Eden back, do you think Hollis and I will be okay?”
“I don’t see why not. ”
“We haven’t talked about it; what happens if a four-year-old suddenly appears in our relationship.”
“Well, I think you should talk about it,” Olivia told her. “But Hollis knows that Eden will come first. She knows that you’ll need time to readjust and that things might be strained for a bit.”
“She does?”
“She and I actually talked about this before your first date.”
“You did?” Raleigh asked, surprised.
“She was nervous about asking you, and I was trying to convince her to go for it. Hollis didn’t want to get in the way of your search for Eden, so she thought it might be better to wait a while.”
“What if I never found her?”
“I don’t know. That’s a question for Hollis, really. But we talked about what would happen if you did and you two worked out.”
“And?” Raleigh asked.
“And you two are adults who can have this conversation together,” Olivia replied, winking at her. “But I don’t think you have anything to worry about, dear.”
“What’s going on in here? No one told me there’s a party,” Hollis spoke.
Raleigh hadn’t heard the door, but when she turned, Hollis was standing there, looking so cute and sleepy. That made her want to kiss her like she had the other day, when Hollis had walked into this room looking the same, but she decided to sit on the edge of the bed instead.
“No party, but we were talking about you,” Raleigh said. “Come in and join us?” She held out her hand to her girlfriend.
“Me? Should I be worried?” Hollis asked, taking her hand and pulling Raleigh off the bed in one swift motion.
“Hollis!” Raleigh laughed as Hollis pulled her in for a hug and kissed her forehead.
“You shouldn’t be worried, but you should grab that deck of cards off the other table. I feel pretty good right now and think a game of cards might be fun,” Olivia said.
“No way. You cheat,” Hollis replied but walked over to the other side of the bed anyway, pulling Raleigh with her as she grabbed the deck of cards.
“I do not cheat. You’re just terrible,” Olivia replied.
Hollis and Raleigh climbed onto the bed next to each other, and Hollis dealt the cards as they talked a little and laughed at Olivia’s sometimes snarky comments. It was so good seeing her like this, but as Raleigh took in Hollis next to her, it was even better seeing Hollis so happy. She was wide awake now and had no bags under her eyes to match Raleigh’s heavy ones. She was smiling at her mom when her mother definitely tried to get away with cheating.
Raleigh rested her head on Hollis’s shoulder, giving up on playing the game herself just to take this in, and she hoped. For the first time in a long time, she hoped that she might have her daughter back one day, that she’d be able to make this work with Hollis regardless, and that, somehow, Olivia would miraculously recover from her cancer and be around for decades to come. She hoped for herself, too, and she didn’t feel guilty about any of it as she laughed when Olivia won the first hand, and Hollis accused her of putting a card up her imaginary sleeve. Raleigh kissed Hollis on the cheek and then looked at Olivia, who had watched her do it. Olivia smiled and gave her that wink again.