CHAPTER 9

R aleigh finished typing the last email she planned to send that day and hit send. She hadn’t been focused all day, and now that the day was over, she couldn’t remember actually accomplishing anything. Her phone rang, and she rolled her eyes.

“Hello,” she said.

“Raleigh, got a sec?” Mr.Roman asked.

“Of course. What can I do for you?”

“The contract I sent you to revise and add the comments from the vendor wasn’t in my email by EOD, like we discussed,” he replied.

Raleigh checked the clock. It was technically five on the dot right now, so he’d called a minute too soon, but she’d also forgotten completely about the comments she was supposed to add for him and send back.

“I’m working on it right now,” she lied. “I should have it sent to you in five minutes.”

“Five minutes after five. I have to review it and get it out tonight, or I risk losing the discount they’ve offered,” he said.

“I’m sorry. I’ll have it for you in a few minutes.”

“I don’t expect to be billed for any extra time,” he replied.

“Of course not. I’ll get it over to you as soon as I’m done,” she said, quickly opening up the file he’d sent two days ago.

“I’m waiting. So, the sooner, the better, please.”

She disconnected and immediately opened the original file alongside the new one the vendor had sent to compare them. Her job here was to simply take the notes the vendor’s attorney had made and include them in the original version while also checking for anything out of the ordinary. While she wasn’t an attorney, and Mr.Roman would have his own look over it again, he’d asked her to add the comments for him, and Raleigh had completely spaced it. She’d never planned on being a VA after college, but the opportunity had presented itself, and she’d liked it, so she’d stuck with it and started her own business in a way. It wasn’t the easiest job in the world. She had a dozen clients, which was probably too many because at least seven of them were pretty demanding, but she needed the money. She’d spent so much of her own on trying to find Eden that she had nothing saved anymore. This client, Mr.Roman, wasn’t awful, but he also wasn’t very patient. Normally, she had him to blame, but this time, it was all her fault.

She used to be good at her job. People recommended her. She’d gain a new client, and she’d do a good job for them. When one of her clients finally hit the big time and expanded to an office with a receptionist or office manager, Raleigh typically got the boot, so she always needed to have active referrals on standby just in case. Mr.Roman was almost there. He now had three employees and would likely hire someone to replace her soon, and when he did, it would be hard for Raleigh. She spent a lot of billable hours on his work. She’d need to replace him soon, so she couldn’t risk pissing him off right now and not acting as a reference if needed.

Raleigh stared at the contracts on the screen, noticing just how many comments and notes had been made. This was going to take longer than she thought it would. She added a pod to her Keurig coffee machine and grabbed the powdered creamer she bought because it was cheaper. She’d been going through a lot of coffee this past year. At first, it helped her stay awake to work on Eden’s case. Then, she couldn’t sleep, so she used it to get her through the day. Now, she needed it just to help her get through the next hour. Dumping a lot of powder into her cup, she stirred briskly until it was dissolved and then took an immediate drink. It no longer burned her tongue to do so. After that, she sat back down and worked until the contract was done before she messaged her client with another apology and closed her laptop. She checked the clock on the stove as she dropped her empty cup into the sink and noticed it was much later than she’d thought.

“Shit,” she said to no one.

Rushing to her bedroom, Raleigh stripped and took a quick shower. She’d had her hair in a messy bun for the workday and had worn an old T-shirt and a pair of sweats with fluffy pink socks to work. It was one of the main benefits of working from home, and since she loved being comfortable, it really worked for her that she could wear slippers to her desk every morning. After her shower, she blow-dried her hair because if it just air-dried, it would’ve been worse than if she’d never showered at all. She never bothered with makeup, and tonight wasn’t the night for it anyway, but she did put on some basic red lip balm, which she thought was better than actual lipstick. She dressed in jeans and an old sweater, put on actual shoes for the first time that day, and then did a little cleaning, but nothing major. She didn’t have time for a major one anyway. She didn’t dust or anything, but she put dishes in the dishwasher and made sure the few pillows she had on the sofa weren’t a mess. Her bed made, she went back into the living room to wait.

The show started at nine. Hollis told her she’d put her mom to bed and then text that she was on her way. It was eight-fifteen now, and Raleigh didn’t know if Hollis would be there right at nine or earlier, so she got out an old bottle of wine she’d been given for Christmas one year that she’d never actually drunk and opened it, letting it breathe. Then, she stared at it and wondered what the hell she was doing. She put the cork back in the bottle and left it on the counter next to the microwave, which she also hadn’t had time to clean. Hollis definitely wouldn’t be looking in her microwave, right? God, why did she even care? Hollis was coming over to help Raleigh get through watching the show.

Raleigh didn’t even know why she wanted to watch the thing. Watching it wouldn’t change anything. Eden would still be missing an hour later, when the episode ended. Leads would probably come in shortly after, but whether or not Raleigh watched the show when it aired the first time wouldn’t make a difference to those.

She decided to get out two bottles of water and made sure she had the Keurig pods at the ready in case Hollis wanted coffee. It wasn’t a date. There wouldn’t be wine or dinner. Hollis was just there to support her through it. That was all. Just when Raleigh nodded at herself to stop fussing over the counter that looked dirtier than she remembered, the doorbell rang. It scared her at first, and she dropped the rag to the floor in response before moving back to the living room, where she found her phone on the coffee table. Shit. Hollis had texted while she’d been in the kitchen. Now, she was here.

“Hey,” Raleigh said when she opened the door.

“Have you eaten?” Hollis asked.

“What? No, I–”

“I haven’t, either. I brought food from that Mexican place. You said you liked their burritos, right?”

“Yeah, I… You remembered that?”

“Sure,” Hollis said. “I got burritos for both of us and their house-made chips and salsa, too.”

“I should’ve made margaritas,” she joked, motioning for Hollis to come inside with her bag of food.

“I didn’t get those, but I did pick up some beers. I also guessed you didn’t have limes, so I got some of those, too. It’s Corona, so you have to have limes.”

“Wow,” Raleigh said, taken aback as she closed the door behind Hollis.

“I may be wrong – you can tell me if I am – but I suspect that the next hour or so is going to be a hard one. I thought food and a beer might help, but if–”

“No, it’s great,” Raleigh interrupted her. “Thank you. I worked later than I’d planned, and I honestly just forgot to eat. ”

“How often does that happen?” Hollis asked, shifting the second bag Raleigh had just noticed in her hand.

“Pretty often,” she admitted. “Let me get that. We can eat in the kitchen. We have time.”

Hollis followed her, and they sat at the kitchen table where they ate their burritos in relative silence and they each finished one of the beers Hollis had brought. The lime they’d cut into lay on a cutting board on the kitchen table, and the chips and salsa had remained untouched. They’d decided to eat those while they watched since Raleigh would probably be anxious and could use a distraction. Just before the show started, Hollis opened them each another beer and dropped limes into the bottles. Then, they sat on the sofa, and Raleigh turned on the TV, changing it to the appropriate channel to wait.

“Your place is nice,” Hollis noted.

“Thanks,” she replied. “It used to be nicer. I mean, there were toys everywhere and toddler dishes always in the drying rack, but other than that, it was usually pretty clean.”

“It’s still nice, Raleigh. I mean, you actually have a place. I live with my mom.” She winked at Raleigh.

“And you love it, don’t you?”

“Having this time with her? Yes.” Hollis smiled.

“How is she tonight?”

“She was a little better today. She has some tests coming up that she doesn’t want to get, but she seems as happy as you can be when you have stage-four cancer. She fell asleep around eight, which is good. She’ll probably sleep through the night, with the new meds they gave her.”

The show started, and Raleigh stared at the TV. She hadn’t even noticed that she’d started biting her nails when, on the screen, Kenna walked through this very house and pointed out Eden’s empty bedroom. Hollis reached for her hand and took it. She held it between them on the sofa, and Raleigh hadn’t realized how much she’d needed someone’s touch. She cried throughout most of it, but especially every time they put a picture of her daughter on the screen. At some point, she’d ended up pressed to Hollis’s side, and the woman just held her. Raleigh didn’t feel embarrassed or worried that Hollis was seeing her like this; she just kept watching the show and letting Hollis hold her. When it was over, she sat up, wiped her eyes, and picked up the half-empty beer from the table.

“I’ll just clean this stuff up,” she said as a way to get out of the room, feeling like she needed a little space right now.

“I can help.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ve got it.”

Raleigh picked up Hollis’s empty beer bottle and tried to grab the chip bag they hadn’t touched at the same time, but she ended up dropping both. The bottle didn’t break on the carpet, but the tortilla chips spilled out and made a mess.

“Shit. What is wrong with me?” she asked.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Hollis said, moving to kneel on the floor to help Raleigh get the chips they now couldn’t eat back into the bag. “I’ve got this. Why don’t you put the beer bottles into the trash or something? Maybe put the salsa in the fridge so you can have that another time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Hollis told her.

Raleigh took the beers into the kitchen and emptied out the one she knew she wouldn’t finish. She put the bottles into the trash and the salsa in the fridge, and then she slid down that fridge onto the tiled kitchen floor. The tears fell in earnest until she was sobbing with her hands covering her face.

“Come here,” Hollis said softly, and Raleigh felt her sitting on the floor next to her then. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” Raleigh managed out. “I’m okay. I do this… all the time.”

Hollis pulled her back against her side and wrapped her arm around Raleigh’s shoulders.

“Why did you want to watch the show tonight?”

“I felt like I had to,” Raleigh said, resting her head on Hollis’s shoulder .

“For her.”

“Yes,” she replied.

“I wish I could say something that would make this better for you,” Hollis said.

“It’s okay. Really, I do this at least once a day.” Raleigh wiped at her own cheeks. “I’ll be fine. You can go home, if you want. Your mom–”

“Is asleep. If you want me to go, I’ll go, but if you want me to stay, I’m okay. Do you want to be alone?”

Raleigh recalled how, just a moment ago, she’d thought she’d wanted space, but now, being pressed up against Hollis made her not want to be alone tonight after all.

“No,” she answered.

“Do you maybe want to go wash your face and climb into bed?”

“How did you know?” She let out a little laugh.

“I’ve been there,” Hollis said. “Not the same situation, but I’ve been doing a lot of crying, washing my face, and trying to sleep and failing lately.”

Raleigh pulled away a bit to look at her and asked, “Would you mind staying until I fall asleep? I don’t know if I actually will, but I’m exhausted, so I’d like to try to get at least a few hours tonight.”

“Of course,” Hollis replied.

They stood, and Raleigh walked them to her bedroom, passing Eden’s closed door and resisting the impulse to open it and sit on the floor for a while until she was all cried out. Once in the master bedroom, she went to the bathroom and cleaned up. Hollis was sitting on the edge of her bed when Raleigh got out, and then she stood and pulled back the blanket for her.

“How did you know I sleep on this side?”

“Two pictures of Eden on your table,” Hollis explained, nodding to the bedside table. “She’s beautiful.”

Raleigh nodded, smiled softly, and slipped beneath the covers.

“Thank you, Hollis. I mean it. Thank you for everything. ”

“I’ll sit in the chair until you fall asleep,” she said, pointing to the rocking chair in the corner of the room.

“You can lie next to me, if you want. I usually put the news on the TV and try to fall asleep to it.” Raleigh picked up the remote off the table.

Hollis took it from her and put it back down.

“Considering you have a hard time falling asleep, I don’t think that method is working. Just close your eyes.”

“When I close my eyes, and I’m wide awake, I see her,” Raleigh replied.

Hollis nodded and pulled out her phone.

“Do you have headphones?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I have a meditation app that works for me sometimes. Well, it did before… Anyway, you could try it.”

Hollis passed Raleigh her phone, and once Raleigh had connected her headphones, Hollis moved to lay beside her over the blankets. Raleigh put the headphones into her ears, and Hollis scrolled through the app when Raleigh passed her the phone back. She chose something that she liked herself, the sounds of rain and maybe a rainforest with animals chirping, and within minutes, Raleigh’s eyes got heavy, and she fell asleep.