37. Finding Him Tabby

W riting to Jax felt like a dangerous game. I didn’t want him knowing about my trip to Colorado since I’d missed him, and his dad would likely bust me anyway. All I could hope was to intercept him somewhere at home, if I could get there before the day was over.

Annie helped calm me. Though she still didn’t approve of how long I’d waited to come clean, she supported the fact that I did so at all. Messaging her kept me sane until the plane boarded—a merciful direct flight that would land before nine. Enough time to still find him before having to concede that making up would have to wait until Monday.

I took a cab from the airport to Dragon’s Lair since my car waited in the parking garage anyway. Anxiety made me bang on the apartment door harder than I should have.

Ethan answered with an annoyed, “Seriously?”

“Hey, is he home yet?”

“Home? Are you shittin’ me? Didn’t you hear me this morning?”

I rolled my eyes. “He came back already. Are you telling me he hasn’t been here?”

Ethan shrugged. “I don’t know, man, I ran the store all day. Can’t you just call him?”

“No, I—” I pulled my hair and backtracked down the stairs. Where the hell are you? I yelled behind me, “Call me if he comes home, please.”

In the garage, Jax’s car wasn’t next to mine. It made my stomach drop—he did come home, but where else would he go? Maybe he saw my car and figured I was already waiting for him. Or maybe, because his apartment was empty, he thought to intercept me before I left, too.

The city seemed to grow by miles after every block. Unlike this morning, I hit every red light. Pedestrians filled and abused every crosswalk. For how late the hour was, San Francisco was awake and alive, even worse than what we saw last night after the show.

My apartment was as cold and empty as ever before, with no Jax outside to give me hope. I ran out of options.

Should I break down and call him?

At that moment, my phone rang. The name on the screen—while comforting—still wasn’t his. “Hi, mom,” I answered, defeated and tired.

“Hi, sweetheart. Did you get home safe?”

“Yeah, I’m here now.” I sighed and plopped onto the couch. “I can’t believe I’ve been on two planes today, and I still missed him. Thank God for those credit card points.”

“Aw, I’m so sorry, Tabby.” Her tone wasn’t overly cloying or false, but it had a hint of something else. Mischief? “Have you eaten? I know it’s late.”

“Other than shitty airport food? No.”

“Do you want to join me? I ordered from that Japanese place you love. The one with the amazing sushi. There’s too much here for me.”

My stomach rumbled—true hunger, not nerves. I’d avoided eating to keep from getting sick, and now I regretted it. “That... sounds amazing, actually.”

“Promise me you’ll be careful, okay? In fact, can you get an Uber so you don’t have to drive?”

Her presence would calm me enough to think clearly. Enough to plan a new strategy the next day. It was exhausting just thinking about more travel, but I had nothing more to lose. “Sure, Mom. I’ll be up soon.”

On the way there, I wondered where my Wah could be. Every black sedan we passed that looked like his took my breath away. My phone nagged in my pocket, tempting me to message him. I resisted. If Jax wanted to hear from me, he’d say so. The ball was in his court if he saw my car at his place.

Mom’s street was lined with Christmas lights from all her neighbors; thankfully, they all had good taste and shied away from inflatable monstrosities. It was a classy winter wonderland, only absent the dusting of sugar from the sky that adorned Denver’s streets.

Intense loneliness stuck me when I paid the driver and walked up to Mom’s door. I considered staying over—not like I could work tomorrow anyway when I still didn’t know where he was. Ringing her doorbell, part of me wondered if Jax’s dad took the bait and called her already so she’d have an idea what to do next.

She opened the door and pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m so glad you’re here safe.”

“Of course, Mom.” I squeezed her. “Most of me is intact.”

“What does that mean?” She released me and took my face in her hands.

“My heart’s broken. I can’t find Jax. I’m worried if I call him, it’ll only make things worse.”

“You can’t make things worse by telling someone you love them, Tabby.” She ran her fingers through my hair, which brought my blood down to a low simmer. Mom was a good antidote to my panic. “Come inside.”

I did as she asked and stood in her living room, admiring the tiny bells and angels on her Christmas tree. The strong smell of cinnamon and sugar made me feel like her home was made of cookies—inviting and comforting, like she was. “I thought he’d reach out to me, but he hasn’t. That’s not like him.”

“Have you tried reaching out yourself?”

“No. Too many things to say that I haven’t practiced.” I shook my head, clutching my temples and groaning. “Don’t ask why I think him calling me first will somehow fix that.”

Mom stood at my side and adjusted a few off-kilter ornaments. “So, you’re still scared?”

“Of course I am. I know I shouldn’t be. God, I wish he were here right now.”

She hummed. “Why not practice all those things you say you need to, and I’ll tell you if it needs adjusting.”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “I’d say I was sorry again, wouldn’t I? That, and the million little things that make me love him.”

While I stood before her tree, weeping for my lost first love, I imagined how his smile looked last night. How close we were when he squeezed my hand under the fake snowfall. I remembered his teenage self, desperate for me, and how hard it was not to call him when we first moved out. I needed him. Wanted him. So many lonely years were spent hoping he was happy, when all I really wanted was for him to reappear.

“Go on,” Mom said as she stroked my back. “Talk to him.”

Still locked in my fantasy conversation, I imagined the warmth of Mom’s house was his presence, and the hand on my back belonged to him, not her. In an instant, we were together again, sharing our hearts as I wanted to last night.

“Wah, I’m sorry. I’m...beyond sorry.” While I spoke, weight lifted from my shoulders. It flew away into the ether. “I’m sorry for not telling you the truth, sorry for doubting the man that you are, and sorry I couldn’t tell you why I disappeared so many years ago. You see, when I left, I tried to get by on memory alone. I had all these reserves to keep me going—your ring, your words, the image of you in my head—but I didn’t realize what a drought I’d been in until you showed up again.”

The hand on my back swirled in circles and splayed. It tickled and grounded me all at once.

“Rob tried to say that, and he wasn’t any good at it. Still, I knew. You were my water, and now...I was drowning. In too deep. And I understand why you were upset—it wasn’t my lie, or how much time I’d wasted. It was because of the years you spent searching, and I hadn’t reached out to you. I guess...part of me thought wearing your ring was enough, but that’s bullshit, Wah.” My eyes went hot, enough that I felt my words pouring like tears. “The truth is, if I’d found you, I would’ve dropped everything to be with you. I would’ve changed my life, moved away, done anything to be at your side. When you met me that first night and shook my hand, it was over for me. I gave Rob a chance because I thought I owed it to him, not because I didn’t want to give you a shot. You already won.”

The one hand on my back turned to two. They moved up to my shoulders and kneaded me gently. The familiar touch was pulled from the depths of a hope long since lost, and the bright scent of citrus cut through the warm cinnamon ahead of me.

Is it my imagination, or...?

As a prayer, I released everything from my heart. “You deserve to be chased, Jax. You deserve everything. I told your father today that I’d follow you anywhere. That was no lie.”

A quiet sniff behind me forced me to pause. Fingertips swam over my arms to my hands, then laced with mine.

I gasped. “Is it really you? Are you here, Wah?”

“Yes,” Jax said, just as broken and tearful as I was. “Did you really talk to Dad?”

“I did. I just missed you at the hospital.” Wrapping his arms around me, I leaned back into his chest, soaking up every bit of his warmth. “Mom didn’t say you were here.”

“I’m beginning to think they’re conspiring against us.”

“Against you, or for you?” Dale said on speakerphone.

We both turned around to find Mom with her phone face out, and Dale on a video call. They both had beaming smiles of victory. All four of us laughed at the ridiculousness of it all before Jax released me so we could be face to face.

He wiped his eyes, then did the same to me and took a breath. “Tabby Ross, you’re my Hwa.”

“Wah, you’re everything.” I admired him in the twinkle lights, which sprinkled him like glitter. “I wouldn’t change you at all.”

“Me either.” Jax hummed a sweet sigh while he looked over me.

I finally took the chance to trail through his hair and send goosebumps over his arms. “My greatest regret is every lost moment since you came here. How can I make that up to you?”

“Well, it wasn’t a total loss. Now we can share all those great ties I got Rob to buy.”

I burst with laughter. “You have that right. Definitely some winners. Though now that begs the question...why did you help him at all?”

Jax shrugged. “I wanted to see you happy. If I could help make that happen, it was enough.”

“Do you think, deep down, you knew? Was that why?”

“No. I didn’t know your secret.” He relaxed, revealing a new depth of honesty. “But I knew I loved you.”

“Hey Lisa, why don’t you show me your beautiful kitchen again?” Dale said, signaling that it was time to give us some privacy. Mom jumped and left the room.

I tickled Jax’s ear and flitted my gaze over his mouth. “I think it’s time.”

“You sure? Because once this happens, that’s it for me. I mean business.”

“Yeah.” I sighed and melted into him. “I’m ready for forever.”

His deep brown eyes lit from within while he leaned down to me. When our lips met, my chest caught on fire with joy. We were one once again, meant to be, fitting too well to be anything but soulmates.

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