23. What I Want Tabby

W here the hell are you

Rob’s text brought me out of the funk and the clouds to reality. Terrible, darkened pit, ugly reality.

Sorry, got sidetracked.

Meet you guys at the gift shop .

I hustled to get there before anyone else so I could pretend I’d been touring the place. Fortunately, I beat them as planned. Gavin and Memo found me perusing sweaters.

“Hey,” I said, finally lifting my glasses. “See anything you think I must have?”

Memo bounced in surprise when he saw my face. “Are you okay?” He squinted. “Have you been crying?”

“What? No.” I couldn’t put my sunglasses back on fast enough. “I’m allergic to something here. All the dander or weird plants or something. Anyway, shirts. What do you think?”

“Nobody needs another sweater for sixty bucks. But you do you,” Gavin said, leading Memo away by their pinkie fingers.

I found a mirror and, to my horror, I was undeniably puffy behind my lenses. Shit.

Rob threw his hands up when he saw me next. “Babe, I thought you fell off the planet for a minute there. Where were you?”

“Sorry, I got caught up reading about some conservation stuff. Any idea where we’re headed next?”

“Cheesecake. Your favorite.” Rob knew that much about me, at least. Jax’s absence was now a blessing in disguise. It would’ve been too on-the-nose after our last conversation if I took him to the last place I saw him as my former self.

“So, anything you want in here?” he asked, blindly gesturing at the hangers. “It’s all overpriced crap, but whatever.”

Despite his incredibly romantic offer, I shook my head.

“Go find Annie, then. She said she wanted you to see the pics she took today. I wanna look around.”

“Will do.” I smiled, burying everything else. Refocus. It’s your day. Nothing can ruin it.

By the front gates, Ethan and Megan chatted through some giggles, touching each other in that cautious way that showed how interested both of them were. Cordelia muttered on the phone with her girlfriend, Nadine, who lived in Chicago not far from my aunt. Gavin and Memo held each other and made moony faces, still just as in love as when they first got together four years ago, and Gavin had barely discovered the gym. And Annie, ever the one to be lost in a world of her own, flipped through her phone on a bench by herself.

I joined her and sighed. “This has been one of the best birthdays I can remember.”

“I’m glad.” Annie’s soft voice was even more quiet than normal. Even her pacing was sluggish, like her words fought against an invisible wall. She patted the hand I rested on my thigh. “You deserve to have the best birthday every year. I’m so glad you were born, Tabby.”

“Aww.” Her mushy words were another level of love I couldn’t describe if I tried. “Thanks.”

Her delicate fingers worked their way between mine and squeezed. “You know how much I love you, right?”

Her sad undertone bothered me. “Of course I do.”

“Good.” She shifted a little to face me more without taking her hand away. “I want to know what you want for your birthday.”

“Come on, you don’t have to get me anything.”

“No, I know that. But that’s not what I’m asking. What do you really want?”

I chewed on the inside of my lip. “Like, anything?”

“Yeah, anything. If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?” She tipped her head like a puppy, searching behind my glasses for more answers. “Don’t think. Just say it. First thing in your mind.”

Her words were like a witch’s spell. They cut through the bullshit of my secrets and pierced me in a tender spot. What I wanted was simple, but I couldn’t say it out loud without pain. Exposed and raw, I stared at the ground. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Yes, you do. You just don’t want to.”

“How are you always reading my mind?” I kicked at the earth and ran my free hand through my hair.

“I pay attention,” she said. A line she uttered many times and one I stole as an excuse when getting to know Jax. She released my fingers and handed me her phone. “Look at this.”

A photo album titled Tabby B-Day lit up her screen, and the thumbnails were detailed enough without enlarging them. Still, I pressed every one and swiped through, reliving the day even though it was fresh.

Ditzy selfies from Annie by herself. Cordelia flipping off the lens with a smirk. Gavin and Memo snuggling sweetly, and even a few shots of Ethan and Megan. Jax lagged in the background, only otherwise present in the few group shots Annie took by the bears.

“You have a good eye,” I said, still flicking through, purposely passing most of myself because I wasn’t terribly photogenic. “Is there one in particular, or...?”

“Yeah. This one.” She brought up the best of the group shots. “Look at you and Rob.”

I stood in the center with Rob wrapped around me. While I had a big smile, he looked...downright bored. No life in his eyes and a flat affect. By instinct, I flicked through the photos again. As long as he appeared, his face remained unchanged, except for one which caught him mid-eyeroll.

“Wow.” Classic Rob, nothing more.

“Now find Jax in it,” she said, pointing at the screen again. “Same one I tapped before.”

I sighed, then did as she asked. Why does this feel difficult? It’s just a picture.

In the group shot, Jax was almost hidden. He stood at Ethan’s side in back, ready to step out of frame. But unlike Rob, or anyone else, his eyes weren’t focused forward—they shifted to the side.

Is he...is he looking at me?

Again, I swiped through and found him in the background. It wasn’t my imagination. With heart-eyes fit for cheesy anime, if we were in the shot together, Jax fixated on me.

Not in a creepy, stalkerish way—his boyish half-smile and pink cheeks turned the clock back on his age. Innocent. Not once did Annie capture a shot of him so much as glancing at Megan.

Cutting into the buzzing of my ears, Annie said, “Rob never looks at you like that.” She took her phone back and stared clear past my soul.

I gulped. “He’s not good at mushy things. He’s getting better lately. This isn’t proof of anything.”

“Yes, it is, because you never look at Rob that way, either. But what you do is your business.” She stood from the bench and put her phone away, then stretched her back while looking at the cerulean sky. “You’re my best friend, Tabby. I just want you to have everything you deserve.” Annie turned toward me and sounded more matronly than ever before. “All of us who really love you? That’s our wish for your birthday.”

I squinted behind my sunglasses and fought back the itching under my eyes. “Thank you. I...I do. Because I have people like you.”

She curtly nodded. “I’ll meet you at the restaurant.”

While Annie walked away, I felt an invisible spotlight on me. One by one, I met the gazes of my closest friends. Gavin and Memo shrugged at me. Cordelia pouted and pointed at Annie. Ethan was busy talking to Megan; if I had to guess, he knew more than anyone.

I was the reason Jax needed help feeling better. His Hwa wasn’t dead; I was here the whole time.

As if I wasn’t confused enough, Rob jogged to me from the gift shop with one hand behind his back. “Hey, babe. I finally found the perfect thing for you.”

“Yeah?” I couldn’t keep flip-flopping my train of thought. Something would give, bend, or tear. “Can’t wait to see what you came up with.”

“Look what I found.” Other than hiding it behind his back, Rob wasn’t playful at all when he revealed a full-sized peacock feather.

“Oh, beautiful,” I said, touching it gently and being careful not to mar the eye, likely why I was so fond of them in the first place. “You’ve been all about peacocks today. How’d you know I liked them?”

He shrugged, then made a poor attempt at a flirtatious tone. “Maybe later you can chase me.”

I arched my brows. “Seriously? Come on, you’ve never asked me about peacocks before. Who’d you talk to?”

For an instant, he reminded me of a trapped animal, wide-eyed, quiet, and frozen in place. The color returned to his countenance as he answered, “Annie, of course. She knows everything about you. Don’t bust me though, or she’ll be pissed.”

With what she’d just shown and said, I couldn’t disagree. “I won’t mention it, don’t worry. Let’s go eat.”

The group left as one to meet at the restaurant, and I waved my feather back and forth in the car like a dancer along with our radio. Despite what she said, Annie had to believe what I really wanted in this world was Rob. After all, if she didn’t, why would she even attempt to help him change?