20. Zoo Day Tabby

E veryone in the city knew the best time to visit the zoo was October. The warm weather, early burn off of the marine layer, and the lack of tourists always made for a better experience. Rob and I were on good terms—getting better all the time, thanks to his extra effort and newfound penchant for acts of kindness toward me. So even though it was my special day, I woke up before noon on Saturday, made a smart breakfast of egg whites and turkey bacon, and waited for Rob to join me at the table.

He grumbled, as usual, never a morning person either, but no one could resist the delicious crackling from our stove. With a wide yawn, he sank into his preferred chair. “What’s this for?”

“Well, I figured since you’ve been so great to me lately, I can make breakfast. Nothing on the no-no list, I promise.” I pushed his plate forward. “You’ll need energy for what I have planned today.”

“Hmm?” He took a bite and, quite unceremoniously, talked with his mouth full. “Whatcha wanna do?”

I tried not to be bothered by the fact he didn’t remember. He made no comment on the taste or even a thankful nod. He dove in without thinking. Classic Rob, so I couldn’t expect anything different. Making him feel guilty wasn’t the goal, so I left out the big thing. “It’s a zoo day,” I said, showing him a wide grin. “I haven’t been in years. That’s the big plan today.”

Rob cocked a brow. “The zoo? Are you twelve?”

“Everybody likes the zoo. Even you . Come on, you knew I was a nerd when you met me.”

He groaned, then stared at his plate, which was quickly empty. “Whatever.”

My stomach rolled over. I wanted Rob to keep up the same attitude he had whenever he surprised me. His sudden appreciation for my interests and my plans made his typical grouchiness more tolerable. Right now, I wanted Rob to act like Jax and find my excitement endearing; instead, Rob was embarrassed by me, and we were alone.

“Do you not want to go? Because I can call Annie. Bet she’d love to come. In fact, the whole group would. You’re the only one who’d be a stick in the mud.”

Rob dropped his fork with a loud clank on the plate, and I startled. “Is that all you want from me today? To go to the zoo?” He was annoyed, but that was the worst of it.

While my nerves were still harried, I recited inner comebacks. It would be a damn start. And a thanks for making breakfast would be nice, too. Oh, how about, how did you sleep? Anything on your mind? How’s your mom? Sorry I didn’t do dinner again yesterday. I let my mind tear around with unexpressed frustrations before answering, “It’s the least you could do for your boyfriend on his birthday.”

“Holy fuck . It’s your birthday, babe?” Rob snapped into action and took my hands, going back to the sweetheart he’d been as of late. “I am so sorry. I didn’t know it was the tenth already.”

“Right. I didn’t make a big deal out of it on purpose. But yeah. Today’s my birthday. Big three-oh.”

At least his remorse meant he’d try a little harder. “Do you want the group to come to the zoo? I can do that. I can get everybody together. Is that what you want, babe?”

Babe. Today it irritated me. The term didn’t flow well somehow, and I never said it back. It felt cheap. So unspecial. Couldn’t change it now. “Actually, yeah. Let’s all go.”

“Who all do you want there? Whole group, or...”

“Everybody. Invites all around.”

“You got it.” Rob pecked my cheek, put his plate in the sink, and tapped away on his phone for a while. “Noon okay for you?”

“Perfect. I’m taking a long shower first.”

“Enjoy yourself,” he said, then went back to focusing on his phone.

Ready to start my thirtieth year with a squeaky-clean slate, I reveled in the hot water flowing down my body. Steam filled our whole bathroom like a sauna even after I was done. Gifted with time to clean myself up, I used a straight-edge razor to carve the straight jawline of my goatee, then put sleek oil in my hair so my natural wave would show after it dried.

My chest wasn’t sculpted like Rob’s was, but it made me happy. As a teen, I thought about top surgery many times, but opted out. Gender fluidity complicated how I felt about my body, and I decided long ago that hormones were enough for me. I didn’t focus on the dysphoria anymore; instead, I made a conscious effort to appreciate what made me feel whole. Black boxer briefs. Being called “Sir”. Rob used a packer, and I had a modest one, but I didn’t wear it every day. It was another thing to think about, and it didn’t make me feel any more like a man.

I’d hurt myself and bruised my ribs by accident in the early days of my transition, flattening my chest; since then, I’d learned how to wrap myself with tape correctly, and disciplined myself to take it off so I could breathe. In front of the mirror after putting on my favorite skin-toned binder, I fluffed my tease of upper chest hair so it would show regardless of whatever I wore for the day.

It’s good to have layers. The breeze off Ocean Beach...

Rob spoke loudly in the other room. Phone call; he didn’t have my bad habit of talking to himself. “You gonna carpool? I figure we can all take him for dinner after. Did you know it was his birthday today?” He paused, and his volume dropped. “Oh. Oh, you did. Yeah. What? No, of course I did. I’m not that much of an asshole.”

You completely forgot. Why save face now? Who is that?

“Anyway, you were the one who almost killed Carlos when you bought him that strawberry thing for his birthday. We all knew he was allergic.”

Ethan. Gotcha. They’d been friends long before I met either of them, though Ethan fit in better with my clan than Rob did, and now I thought of him as an essential part of the group. Nevertheless, I was glad they had each other, and Rob had someone else to talk to besides me.

I pulled out a loose pair of jeans and a black T-shirt, complete with my favorite button-down. It was covered in various-sized mushrooms. Totally tacky, perfect, and me.

“Um, yeah. I don’t see why not. The more the merrier, I think. As long as she’s cool with...oh yeah? Right on.”

With the little bit I could overhear, I guessed Ethan had a new girlfriend. Someone who was probably just as eccentric, but still too new to warrant mentioning on Thursday.

Rob gasped. “No. You’re kidding.” Another long pause. “Uh-huh. Oh, I’m sure. Shit, man. When are you gonna learn?”

I shook my head. What did he get into now?

Once I finished getting dressed, I came out to the living room and picked my phone off the coffee table. Almost everyone in the group responded to Rob’s first message, but two were missing. Ethan and Jax. That’s why Rob called.

“Alright, well, we’ll see you three at noon, okay?” Rob smiled at me and held up one finger, almost done with his call. “Right. I won’t, I promise. Scout’s honor. I just can’t believe it happened again.” He laughed—truly genuine, not like the chuckles he gave when he didn’t get the joke or he wanted me to stop talking. “Well, you didn’t have to tell me.”

Ooh, a secret? I pouted and gave puppy eyes.

Rob gave me a thumbs up and nodded.

Sorry, Ethan. I’ll still get to know.

He sighed and turned on his judgmental tone. “Call it whatever you want, dude. You still slept with your roommate.”

The instant Rob said it, my mind went blank. Numb. My stomach fell ten stories in a small space.

It can’t be. Not Jax. He’s not like that at all. He doesn’t want to rebound. He told me so. That’s why he stayed single...it’s why...oh, God. I tried to shake my jealousy out of my limbs with a full-body shudder, all too aware that the moment Rob hung up, I’d have to hear details I didn’t want. Ethan did this before when he slept with Carlos. They ended in disaster. That can’t happen to Jax. It’s not fair to him. He’s too sweet. He’s too perfect. He’s my Wah. Wah deserves better.

Goddammit, this is what I was afraid of. Jax shouldn’t be with Ethan. He should be with—

“Wow, babe. You are not gonna believe this.” Rob continued to shake his head when he sat at my side with a drawn-out sigh. “Ethan did it again.”

I unglued my lips to respond, though my jaw was still tight. My only comfort was knowing that reading between the lines of what Rob said meant I didn’t have to hear him say it out loud. “Are they...um...together now, you think?”

“Nah. Just a one-time thing.” He joined me on the couch and put his phone down, relaxing with his arms behind his head.

“One-time thing, huh?” I didn’t want to know, but I wanted to know everything. “Why would they do that?”

Rob shrugged, not sensing my urgency. That was probably for the best.

“Like, why would Ethan want to sleep with Jax in the first place? What good would that do?” I asked, speeding up with every passing word.

“I think of it like this—it means Jax wasn’t full of shit when he said he was bi.”

“Of course not. Why would somebody lie about that?” I stood from the couch and lost my internal filter. “Bi, pan, whatever. Maybe it’s great for you to have proof, but I always believed it. Jax doesn’t lie. Even if he were gay, it wouldn’t make sense. Ethan’s such a goddamn man whore. Why couldn’t he pick somebody else?”

Rob grimaced.

I was in a corner with my foot in my mouth. Shit. I said too much, didn’t I?

“It was one time for Christ’s sake. I don’t know why they fucked, Tabby, but who cares?”

“But how do you know it was really one time?” Out of my control, I yelled in my panic. “How do you know he’s not going to turn Jax into another Carlos?”

“‘Cause Jax is bringing a date,” he screamed, matching my volume and then some.

This news wasn’t any better. I still had the same twisting yank in my belly. To avoid another fight, I softened my voice. “A...a date?”

“Yeah. Ethan says you know her, apparently. Some chick named Megan.”

Megan. The sandwich place.

Q“Jesus. Whatever happened between them, it happened, and it doesn’t mean anything. I shouldn’t have let you eavesdrop.” Rob stood and muttered something nasty under his breath that I couldn’t quite hear, and I didn’t ask. He put on his shoes and waited outside while I tied up mine and locked everything.

It was my birthday, dammit. And I was determined to have a good time—Jax or no Jax, Rob or no Rob, confusing pulled heartstrings or comfortable love.

I just needed to figure out which one was which.

––––––––

T he car ride was short but silent. Our raised voices were enough to spoil the mood even though our exchange at home barely counted as a fight. I directed as Rob drove, trying to stay meek so he’d remember why we were doing this at all.

Once we parked, I put my hand on his thigh. “Rob, I want you to have a good time. I’m sorry I overreacted. Guess I’m just a little bit moody today.”

He didn’t stay to talk with me and slapped my hand away, then jumped out of the car with a slam. His patented “I need to blow off steam” move.

Like this morning with the fork on the plate, I had a flashback but quickly dashed it. Rob’s bullshit would have to wait until later. I took a deep breath and suppressed every urge to scream until the windows shook.

Annie, Cordelia, Gavin and his boyfriend stood together by the front gates. Gavin made a new introduction for all of us so we were on the same page with his beau’s moniker for the day.

“My lover has decided to go by Memo for the weekend,” he said, holding him tightly against his chest, flexing his biceps. Nearly monstrous next to Memo, but it was endearing.

“Memo?” Rob rolled his eyes.

“Knock it off, Rob,” Memo said, squeezing up against Gavin’s thick, tattooed arm. He flipped Rob off and displayed a professional rainbow of pristine nail polish. “Annie likes it.”

“Of course I do, sweetie,” she said without a hint of sarcasm. “Who are we waiting on? Ethan and Jax?”

“And Megan,” I said, eyeing her carefully. “Jax has a date.” Please read my mind today and stay by my side.

She nodded, giving me a knowing tip of her head. “Good to know.”

Cordelia hopped in place from one foot to the other, echoing my own giddiness. Seeing her normally dark self get excited was a treat. We’d bonded over a mutual love of Anne Rice at a time when she wondered if she might be like me, but she conceded a cisgender lesbian life filled with masculine hobbies was just as valid. No Shame Train was her motto.

“Happy birthday, Tabby,” Cordy said. “This is so awesome. I can’t remember the last time I did this. I hope they let us feed the giraffes.”

“Oh, me too,” I said, doing my best to ignore Rob’s pout.

“There they are,” Gavin said, pointing behind me.

“Jax! Ethan!” Annie raised her hand high and bounced twice to be seen. Shortest of all of us, she had springs in her heels, peeping for attention.

Reluctantly, I twisted to watch them, forcing the lump in my throat to stay low. I didn’t wear contacts, but my sunglasses were sufficiently dark to hide my eyes.

They meandered through the parking lot. Megan, with her bright red hair, looked distinctly different and more carefree than she ever did at work. She chose a knee-length dress covered in sunflowers—clearly a choice that she wanted to use before the year’s weather turned. Jax’s decidedly casual dusty blue shirt, emblazoned with the Colorado flag, matched his navy baseball cap. Not trying too hard in the slightest.

But nothing he had on could distract from the most magnetic aspect of his outfit: his blinding, carefree, look-at-me, no-tension, confident and irrepressible smile.

God-fucking-dammit. That’s an “I just got laid” face if I ever saw one.

Ethan walked on the opposite side of Megan, dressed in a black and red T-shirt covered in anime characters I didn’t recognize. His black jeans and red shoes completed his head-to-toe color scheme. It matched how badly I felt he burned me, even though he had no clue.

I turned to Rob and grabbed his hand. He raised his face just long enough for me to move in for a kiss.

“Whoa,” he said, releasing in surprise. “What’s that for?”

“It’s my birthday.” I moved my glasses down enough to meet his eyes with mine. “You’re all I want, okay?”

I swear, if you push me away now, I might implode.

He softened, then pushed my glasses back up. “So are you, babe.”

––––––––

O nce we paid our way in, the troupe debated which exhibits to see first. Like she normally did at D&D, Annie stood in the center of us, taking control of the map.

“If we go down this way, there’s a petting zoo and a bug house. Giraffes are the other direction, winding through this big island of lemurs.”

“Yuck. We can skip the bug house,” Rob said.

My face fell. Didn’t he know me at all?

“No, we can’t miss that,” Jax said, speaking loudly enough for me to hear his voice for the first time today. He remembered what Rob didn’t even know.

Megan, virtually a complete stranger, spoke with a grating high tone. Like her oversized earrings, she almost wore it as an accessory. Something to get Jax’s attention. “Uck, a bug house? Don’t they keep tarantulas in there? Somebody save me,” she said while leaning backward against him.

Behind my sunglasses, I hoped he wouldn’t see my jealous eyes when he flashed a glance my way. He didn’t respond to Megan fast enough, and she clutched his clothes after tipping too far.

“Whoa—”

Ethan stepped in front of him, catching her before she fell completely. “Be careful there, you.”

“I can’t believe I almost fell,” she said, nodding in thanks to Ethan, but planting her feet next to Jax once she righted herself.

I didn’t want her to fall on her face, but I secretly rejoiced that he didn’t catch her.

“Tabby, it’s up to you. Where do you want to go?” Annie asked.

Too flustered to pay attention to my surroundings, I caved to Rob’s suggestion. “Giraffes are fine with me.”