13. Acknowledgment Tabby

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I resisted the urge to write to Jax all day Friday. Rob’s move into the apartment took all my attention over the weekend. It was stressful and tiring but satisfying to complete, even though the place was filled with boxes.

Rob and I took Monday off to finish unpacking; at least, to the point that we were both satisfied. We made love when it was over. He took care of me unlike ever before, and I was never more grateful to have given him so many extra chances in the past.

This is it. My forever.

Tuesday morning was a blur. Rob was stressed about making it to work on time because he woke up late. We fought over who had time to shower. The bathroom sink, always big enough for me, felt cramped with our respective medications lining each side. Our electric toothbrushes each demanded their own outlet, and there weren’t enough to go around. We’d have to share a base, which Rob didn’t want to do, because he felt it would be too easy to mix up the brush heads.

Grumble, grumble, grumble. Fuss, fuss, fuss. I swear, you’re all bitch and no solution.

I barely had enough time to put in a simple pair of blue contacts with the little bit of time he left for me by the mirror. He didn’t even say goodbye when he rushed out the door and slammed it behind him. Fortunately, my car was working again, so I was thankful to get a little bit of space to myself before seeing patients.

Catching up from a missed day was always somewhat of a slog—orders to fill and questions to answer. Emails that couldn’t be left alone any longer. But work energized me. Eye tests and glasses alone might’ve been boring to some optometrists, yet I saw every person as a challenge. They weren’t just eyes—my clients were great people, some of whom I’d known since I first graduated. The most repetitive days still weren’t boring. It was a luxury most of my friends didn’t have, least of all Rob, who worked in warehousing. Even though his blue-collar job didn’t bother me, when we’d fight, he’d bring up my career as if I secretly felt I was fundamentally better than him.

At noon, I checked my phone for any messages and found only a text from Mom making sure I wouldn’t skip our dinner this Friday; I’d missed the last. After answering her with an enthusiastic gif of a thumbs-up, I left the office to forage for lunch on my own.

People bustled all over Union Square as they normally did. Even on cold mornings, live bands played outside. Tourists excitedly ran through on old trolleys. Shops came and went like the road construction, which was inconvenient at any time of day. A few doors down from some swanky art galleries—which recently carried somewhat salacious pieces by Dr. Seuss himself—my favorite sandwich shop beckoned with salty fresh bread in the air. Simple and family-owned, it was the only food place I frequented enough to be seen as a regular.

The redheaded girl at the counter smiled and gave her usual greeting. “Good morning, Dr. Ross. Number four today?

“You know me too well.” I was embarrassed not to remember her name off the top of my head the way she did mine.

“Extra mayo, no tomatoes?” she asked, tapping away at the screen.

“Yup. That’s me.”

“What’ll you be drinking today, sir?”

I still got a jump of euphoria any time that happened, even after all these years passing in public. “Eh, let’s just do water today.” My wallet barely left my back pocket when a warm presence behind me interjected.

“His lunch is on me.”

No way. I did a double take when I turned to him. “Jax?”

“Hey, Tabby,” he said with a smile, nodding to the checkout girl. Jax crossed his arms and stared at the menu above her. “Let’s see...I think I’ll do the number two again today.”

“Nuh-uh,” I said. “Give him the same thing I ordered.”

He cocked a brow. “I don’t know if I should trust you and your crunchy tastes.”

“This place isn’t crunchy at all, no matter what you order. I was going to recommend it to you, actually.”

“Well, surprise, surprise. I’ve been in here at least twice a week for the past month. Right?” He pointed to Miss Redhead. “You can vouch for me, can’t you?”

She blushed and played along, eyeing me. “He’s been here a lot.”

“See?” His genuine, warm grin lit the whole room. “I guess you don’t leave me much choice. Whatever he ordered, I’m game.” Jax ordered a Sprite for himself and directed me to find a place to sit while he paid.

With nothing else to do but concede that we’d be having a quiet lunch together—not that I protested one bit—I picked one of the only open tables by the window so I could make a quick escape when the time came. As much as I was shocked to see him, it was exactly the kind of rendezvous I’d always dreamed of: casual friends who run into each other, anywhere, any time, and the chemistry doesn’t fade or falter.

Friends. Just friends, though, Tabby.

Jax flicked through his phone by the order window until his name was called. His body proportions were so unlike how they were in our youth. With full shoulders, a long torso, and a filled-out neck, Jax wasn’t scrawny and barely past puberty the way I remembered. It seemed every time I laid eyes on him these days, he became some new version of an impossible ideal.

Aware I was staring, I shook my head and turned to look outside, just as an inconvenience of tourists on Segways buzzed past. They looked silly in their oversized helmets. Many had wide, panicked expressions from overstimulation.

But on the far side of the sidewalk behind them, dangerously close to the trolley rail line, an elderly couple embraced with complete ignorance of their busy surroundings. He looked down at her with a dreamy expression that superseded their advanced ages. She glanced up at him with the bright eyes of a wistful girl who wanted nothing but him. Watching them filled me with undefined longing.

“How do people drive those things?” Jax asked as the last of the Segways moved out of sight. He handed me my cup of ice water first before putting the lunch trays side by side. Jax effortlessly slid into the opposite side of the booth, suave in a way that would’ve made his teen self jealous.

I silently smirked at him, careful not to give myself away. Age suits you, Jax.

“Now, what’s this thing you ordered for me, hm?” He peeled back the thinly sliced sourdough bread on top of the sandwich and poked at the contents with a long toothpick. “I see...turkey, mayo, a little lettuce, and—ah! You said this wasn’t crunchy!”

“What?” I chuckled, taking a bite and talking with my mouth full. “Scared of a little avocado? It’s good for you. Good for your eyes, actually.”

He glared at me playfully. “Avocado alone, I will forgive. There better not be hummus on this thing.”

“No hummus, I promise.”

We enjoyed our basic sandwiches for a few minutes, not needing to fill the silence between us. Like we’d said before, our time together was comfortable. This was no exception. Rob and I couldn’t do this with ease until we’d dated for a month and a half, and that was because he had a dentist appointment that day and couldn’t talk much.

Was it Novocain or laughing gas that day? I thought, staring at the passersby again.

Jax cracked open his Sprite and relaxed into his seat, following my lead. “They really don’t know how lucky they are,” he said, gesturing to the tourists outside. “Ocean’s right here, redwoods are close, too. There’s a city pulse that never stops. Sometimes I miss the quiet of being at home, but I think I’m finally starting to see why people pay a fortune to sleep in a hallway just to live here.”

“It’s the most exciting place to be these days. Have you noticed that all the action movies have been destroying us lately instead of New York?”

He tittered. “Yeah, I have noticed that. Though now that I’m here, it’s hard to believe that anything could take down the Golden Gate. It’s massive. The height of the spires gives me vertigo.” Jax shifted his attention to me again and leaned into the table, taking the last bite of his sandwich. “Look at that—your choice wasn’t bad after all.”

“Told you I wouldn’t steer you wrong.”

“Nah, guess you haven’t yet.”

The burn in my chest to confess our connection was almost too great to ignore, but I didn’t want to rip the newfound ease between us. He made the most mundane things exciting. His present made me want to stay in our booth catching up like we did in his car, even though I usually grabbed lunch to-go.

So Annie’s words to fess up had merit. I buried them deep, just in time for Jax to shift the subject.

“How’d the whole move-in thing go, by the way?”

Oh, shit—Rob. Emotional whiplash forced me back into reality along with a fresh dose of guilt. “It went great. The place is a total mess, but Rob’s all moved in.”

“Domestic bliss, eh?” Jax smiled, but it was tainted—not the same bright grin he had at the counter when we first saw each other. This one was forced, as if the corners of his lips were pulled like a marionette. A brave face, at best. “That’s great. And your car came back okay?”

“Yeah, it was fine. Alternator, like you said. What’d you end up doing this weekend?”

“Packing, mostly. Ethan’s giving me a key on Thursday at game night so I can start bringing stuff in.”

It hurt to ask, but I had to hope he would meet someone else so he could get over the pain of the girl he left behind. “So, no hot dates, I take it?”

Jax snorted into his drink. “Would have to know somebody hot for that.”

I was grateful he didn’t take the opportunity to hit on me because it would’ve stopped my heart, but an immature part of me wished he had. The nearly empty restaurant became oppressive with a desire to hear him confess that he’d never find love again, just so I wouldn’t have to risk the pain of watching him fall for someone else.

Pointing to the redheaded checkout girl, I put away my selfishness in favor of trying to help his loneliness. “Why not ask her? She’s into you.”

“Huh?” Jax did an exaggerated stretch to hide when he glanced at her. “Oh, Megan?”

Of course, you’re friendly enough to know her name already...

He paused for a moment, then scrunched his nose and shook his head.

Now that he’d rejected the notion, I had to double down. “Seriously? Come on, what’s wrong with her?”

“I-I don’t know, I just...” Jax stared at his Sprite and flushed a shade of pink I hadn’t seen on him since we were teenagers. “I don’t feel anything with her. If we dated, she would just be a rebound from Heather. Megan’s too sweet for that, and I’m too much of a softie to ask her out just to get my rocks off.”

Gulping, my humble eyes magnetized to the bag of sea salt chips below as if they held a secret code. Can’t argue with that.

“Hey—thanks for trying,” he said, tapping on the table to get my attention again.

“Sure, of course. I know you just went through a pretty tough breakup, so I get it. Take all the time you need.”

His phone buzzed, and as he looked at it, something changed in his face. He stiffened, as if biting his tongue or holding in a grimace. After quickly typing a text, he put the phone in his back pocket and looked out the window again. His strong jaw was more than just squared. It was clenched tight.

“Everything okay?” I asked, worried he was hiding something.

Jax nodded. “You know, I really enjoyed getting to talk with you last week. But let’s agree not to do that again.”

“What? Why?” Too abrupt. Too defensive. Retreat. Retreat! “I mean, sure , but—”

“The car was...well, it felt a little too intimate, didn’t it? I guess if Rob’s fine with it, I don’t care, but I know if Heather had been meeting with somebody late at night—”

“Oh. Yeah. Sure, I get that. Yeah.” My heart thumped away, but I needed him to stop. He was right. The guilt I still harbored proved spending time with him was a risk. It wasn’t innocent. “We’re just friends. Friends don’t do that. I understand.”

Jax let out a long breath. “Right.” He tipped his Sprite my way. “To friendship, Tabby.”

I met his can with my ice water cup. “To friendship, Jax.”

Boundaries were good. It would keep him at a distance and help me with Rob. The less I saw of Jax, the better—and the less Rob knew about my past, the more stable our future could be.

The lunch get-together was spontaneous and all too easy, but I vowed then and there to call my orders in from now on.