39. Thirty-Nine

What is wrong with me?

Even when Atreyis told me about Lucios, he hadn’t spoken like that.

His words didn’t convey the hurt as they did then.

I could see his heart shattering before my very eyes. Was I genuinely unwilling to believe that there was someone in the world who wasn’t looking to betray me?

Blaming him for this… I crossed a line that never should have been crossed. Why did I do that? The words just flew from my lips with little thought. Did I want him to be the culprit?

I love him. I bloody love him.

If I loved him, then why did I hurt him so?

For the next several minutes, nothing made sense. I repeatedly replayed what he said before realizing what he’d been telling me.

Atreyis has been a shell of a man, existing in a place where he saw no value in anything, not even within himself. My favorite pastime is finding powerful Vampyrs to fall for, knowing he is going to use them up. In more or less words, he admitted something in that sentence—he admitted how he felt—for me. And I spit in his face. I hit him, belittled him, and said that he was a liar.

Gods, I made a mistake. An awful mistake.

My legs moved before my brain registered it.

I was shoving through the trees with purpose because I needed to make this right—if he would even let me. If he even wanted me to. Tears stung behind my eyes, and the rain whipped at my flesh with new brutality—a punishment for my words.

The winds whistled through the forest I knew by heart. His tracks were already washing away despite such a short time passing. I was vulnerable out there. At any time, my kin could walk by and see me. My bloody brother could be taking a leisurely ride through the rain and dragging me back to our manor, kicking and screaming.

None of it matters. Only Atreyis.

I’d fall to my knees, kiss his feet, and tell him every horrible thing that I’ve endured and done to prove that I could trust him. I could love him like he deserved. Thunder boomed through the clouds, and a flash of lightning crashed into the forest nearby. I’d let the entire island burn if it meant he’d take me into his arms again.

Pushing to my full speed, I located him in a crouch, head buried in his hands as he trembled through his sobs. All my fear shattered. Guilt flooded through every sense, every pore.

“Fuck off!” he screamed.

Say something, dammit. Comfort him. Apologize. Anything!

My throat seized. My tongue became ashen. The only thing left was my body, and it screamed to touch him. Hold him close until he knew, without a doubt, that I was wrong. I didn’t hesitate, or I’d never move from that spot.

Falling to my knees, I wrapped my arms around him. He writhed in my hold, cursing me, kicking at the mud, but I didn’t relent. Burying my face into his hair, I withstood the headbutts and bucking of his shoulders.

“No! You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to fucking do this,” he cried.

“I was wrong—I was so wrong, Atreyis. And there is no valid excuse to justify it.”

He tugged at my hair, bit at my arms, all the while I didn’t let him go. I couldn’t because if I did, I knew I would lose him forever. “No one knows about him. No one! And I told you!”

“I know, love.”

“Shut up! I hate that word. I hate all of this!” Venom soaked his tongue, but he drooped. His chest heaved as his hot tears fell on my skin.

“I’m scared, Atreyis. I’m so scared to lose you. You do not need me, but I need you. I need you like the stars need the universe. Like the earth needs the rain.” I was shaking now, even though I tried to fight it back.

“You bitched and moaned about trust from the beginning. And I did! I trusted. For what? To be told I’m like them?”

I needed to look at his face—I needed him to see me. I took the risk of him running when I loosened my hold and swiveled in front of him. Cupping his face, the emerald of his eyes was so deep and vibrant that it glittered against the stark red around them.

“I was raped, Atreyis. All control was taken from me in a single instant. I try to control everything and everyone because I am weak. I demanded your trust but didn’t give you mine. I fell in love with you before I knew what was happening and demanded that you feel the same. Despite telling me time and time again, you couldn’t.” His bottom lip quivered, and he sucked in shaky breaths but did not move. “I am a fucking fool, and I should have known better. You have proven yourself to me more than anyone ever has. You have never asked me for anything. I love you, Atreyis. Gods, I am so sorry.”

He sniffed, wiping snot over his hand and mine. “You’re not weak.”

I smiled, wanting nothing more than to see that spark come back. “I am,” I whispered.

“I’ll kill him.” He got a wild look in his eyes as he straightened some and cocked his brow.

“What?” I chuckled, unable to process his train of thought.

“The fucker who raped you. I’ll kill him.” He shook out his hair. The motion reminded me of a wet dog. But it was oddly alluring. Like he was shaking off his sorrow, he’s deflecting again.

“None of that was meant to deter from the problem at hand. Which is that I hurt you, and I am sorry.”

He looked at me, searching my face for a few moments. “You did. Pretty fucking bad,” he said through a bitter laugh.

Sagging further on my knees, I didn’t want to, but I dropped my hands. “What can I do… to fix it?”

When his eyes flared, I realized a little too late what I said. This was it, he was going to punch me in the face, just like I’d done and bolt. He’d never look back, and I’d never see him again. I didn’t breathe, couldn’t think, I bowed my head and fisted my hands at my side.

“You told me before that I never needed to fix it with you,” he said after a few minutes. “I’m not so selfless, though.” I detected a playfulness hidden deep in his tone, but it was there.

Chancing a glance at him, he liquified my insides with that look. That spark. “Fixing things with me requires a full marathon of kissing,” he paused, tapped his chin, and continued, “as well as a proper fuck…or seven. Along with groveling for two weeks. I wouldn’t mind some ass kissing come to think of it—preferably with tongue.”

“How about I do one better?” I perked up, puffing my chest absently.

“Oh?” He grinned.

Nodding, I inched closer, grabbing his chin. The scruff had grown into a full beard and scratched at my fingers. “I’ll make a promise I can keep. I’ll never question your trust again. And I’ll give you as many proper fucks as you’d like.”

“Deal,” he breathed and jumped into my lap.

He didn’t profess his love like I had, but with a man like Atreyis—this was good enough.