Chapter Eighteen

Perry

Theo and I see each other every day over the next week. I've never spent so much time with someone I'm hooking up with. My brain keeps trying to tell me all sorts of things that I promptly ignore and try to bury because life is much easier that way.

Healthy? Of course not, but who cares about being healthy? Denial is the way to go. Denial is my constant companion. If I don't let myself acknowledge I like Theo in ways I never have anyone else, then it's not true. Because if it is true, that means Theo has the ability to hurt me, and I don't know how to let that slide.

It's Thursday, and he's at school, while I sit at the desk in my room, working on my app. It's been finicky, but I think I'm figuring it out. It makes my head pound, but my chest swells with pride. My brain has always been inclined toward things like this, and while I hate knowing where this talent originates from, it also makes me feel like I can fly.

Kinda like Theo.

Stop that.

See? I've been thinking about him at the most random times lately. I literally spent time researching studying tips and shit like that. It's wild and annoying, but…I want him to do well, want him to succeed because I know how important school is to him. We've been trading blowjobs for studying hours all week, which is going well for both of us. Things stick in his head better when I read them to him. The words seem to make more sense like that, and of course the sex is a bonus. A few times I've brushed his hole with my finger, and I think my little puppy is curious about ass play. He's usually blowing his load with my finger drawing circles on his pucker.

My cell rings on the table beside me. Glancing that way, I feel my gut clench when I see Montgomery on the screen. I don't know why I have his number, why I've even kept it or why I haven't blocked it. He tried to call me in the beginning. All it took was a few times telling him I'm not interested for him to get the message. Now, he only tries to talk to me through Ty, which in my mind is all for show. If he really cared, would he have given up so easily?

"What do you want?" I ask into the cell, silently berating myself for answering. He doesn't deserve for me to give him the time of day, not when he's never really wanted me. Pretending he does now doesn't count.

"Perry. Hello, son."

My insides turn to ice and begin cracking and breaking. How many times had I wished to hear that from a father figure when I was young?

"Don't call me that," I snap.

"I'm sorry. You're right. I just… I've been speaking to my therapist and—"

"Oh, so that's what this is about? Am I some exercise you were assigned? Talk to me so you can forgive yourself for the past or some shit? No thank you." My chest is tight, and a quiet voice in my head that I've spent years trying to ignore, one that I wish wasn't there, whispers, Why didn't you want me?

"No, that's not it at all! I talk to him a lot about you, about my regrets. I was wrong—not being in your life. That's something I can never change, but I'm not going to stop trying to be a part of your future. You're my son, and I love you. I know I haven't done much of anything in your life for you to believe me, but—"

I end the call, unable to hear more, my hands shaking. Mom thought he loved her too, but he didn't. I assume Ty's mom did as well. He'd known where I was my whole life, and he never loved me enough to care before. I refuse to believe he does now.

The chair falls backward when I shove to my feet. I don't pick it up, can't keep still as I pace the room.

Fuck him. Who does he think he is? What makes him think he has the right to do this to me?

Why does it affect me so much?

I'm jittery, my brain racing. He's never gotten to me so badly, so I'm not sure what's going on, but I don't like it at all. I think about calling my mom, but I don't want to burden her with this. She's felt enough misplaced guilt over my lifetime because of him. And it's hard to talk to Ty about it either because it's his dad. He's been working on his relationship with Montgomery, and I know he wants me to do the same.

I grab my keys and cell, shove them in my pockets, and walk out.

Sitting in mycar outside the house of the guy I'm sleeping with, while upset about my dad, isn't something I ever saw myself doing. Like, what even is this? What do I expect Theo to be able to do about it? Orgasms help, so there's that, but deep down I know that's not why I'm here.

I'm here because he's my friend…and I trust him…and talking to him makes things feel better.

"Ugh! I'm a fucking mess!" I rub my hand over my face, as if when I pull it down, I'll be back in my bedroom.

That doesn't happen, though. Nope. Instead, Theo pulled up without me noticing, and he's walking toward my car with a confused frown on his lips.

For a moment, I consider driving off, but instead I plaster a smile on my face and roll the window down.

"Hey…is everything okay?" he asks, brows pinched together in concern.

"Yep, I was just going to…do some food delivery before work tonight and thought you might want to go." Making extra money is always good, and Theo is good at distracting me, so really, it's killing two birds with one stone.

"For sure." He gives me his Goofy Theo smile, which is annoyingly contagious. I can't help but do the same.

He tosses his bag in the back seat, then goes around to the passenger side and gets in, while I turn the app on. I take an order almost immediately. San Luco is a college town, and people our age eat a shit ton of fast food.

"How was class?" I ask as I drive to the first restaurant.

"Really good. I think our studying this week helped. I was like…like a fucking business ninja."

I chuckle. "A business ninja?"

"If the shoe fits…"

"You wear that motherfucker." Glancing his way, I wink, and he smiles at me again, making me go all soft. I don't even know what that means or how to explain it, but that's what it feels like.

We get to the first restaurant, and I go in for the food. When we get to the house, Theo insists on being the one to deliver it. "We're food-delivery partners. We have to do it together."

I watch him go because Theo has a great ass and I just…I don't know, want my eyes on him all the time. He draws me to him like a bee to honey.

"We got a cash tip!" Theo says excitedly when he gets back into the car.

He tries to give it to me, but I don't take it. "You keep it. Since it's my account, the money goes to me. The tip is yours."

"Yeah, but it's not like you don't buy me meals and shit when we hang out."

Which makes it like dates, in a way, but as long as I can excuse why I'm paying for it, I get to ignore that too. "I still want you to have it."

"Fine. I'll buy us some Sour Patch Kids and a soda to share."

My chest gets a light feeling, and before I can think about the words, I say, "I knew you'd make me feel better."

He cocks his head, as if my statement confuses him. That makes two of us, buddy. "What did I do?"

"I don't know. Just being you. I'll look for another order." I grab my phone, but Theo puts his hand over the screen.

"What's wrong, Perry?"

"Nothing."

"You can talk to me. I talk to you, and…it's what knights in shining armor do."

I cock a brow. "Is it now? I thought we just save lives."

"Nope. You talk and share with the person you saved. It's a thing. You can look it up."

I sigh, knowing I'm going to tell him because he seems to have that effect on me. I drop my head back against the seat and close my eyes so I don't have to look at him. Looking at Theo does funny things to me, like if I hadn't looked at him earlier, I probably wouldn't be talking right now.

"My dad—Ty's dad—called me. He hasn't done that in a while, and it got me in my feels in a way I don't understand."

"I think it's normal that it would make you feel things. It's a complicated situation."

I nod, fight to ignore the pull inside me, but lose and turn my head to face him. "He called me son…said he loves me…that he's not going to stop trying to be a part of my life. What the fuck is that? He thinks he can just storm into my world now? When I'm an adult and I don't need him? Where the fuck was he when I was eight and didn't understand why I didn't have a dad? Or when I was ten and they did a father-son breakfast at school? I don't fucking need him now. I needed him then." I slam my hands on the steering wheel, pissed at myself for losing control, for showing I do give a shit about him, for giving him this space in my head. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with my shit."

"Yes. I should," Theo replies softly. "You're my friend. If I needed something, you're the one I'd go to, and even if I didn't, you'd find a way to be there for me. You always do. You'd find a way to make it better, to do your best to help. Why can't I do the same for you?"

I shake my head because he's giving me way too much credit. "I don't do that much for you, and most of it comes with orgasms, so I'm not sure that counts."

"But you'd do it without the orgasms. You want everyone to think you're so cocky, so confident. You tell me I don't see how great I am, but you don't either. You don't see how incredible you are, Perry. I'm sorry you didn't have your dad. I hate that he made you feel bad about yourself. Because you're…" Theo shrugs. "You're the best. You're there for Ty, not letting him know you're hurting because you know it will hurt him. You make me smile even when I'm not with you. I just think about you, and I feel better. You help me with school and guys. I never feel stupid around you. I don't doubt that I could tell you anything and that there's nothing you wouldn't do for me if I needed it."

His words rip me open, make me feel raw and exposed, but somehow…somehow they stitch me together too, close torn seams, some I didn't even know about. He's filling me up in ways I didn't know were possible. Like I wasn't solid but now I am, or I'm becoming that way.

Because of Theo.

I know what he's saying, can read between the lines. This is more to him. He knows I see it too because he looks down at his lap, refusing to meet my gaze.

"Puppy…"

"I didn't mean to make this about me."

"Theo…"

"I can still keep going the way we are, though. My feelings won't get in the way of what this is. I know you don't want a relationship, and that's what I agreed to, but—"

"I like you too," falls fluidly out of my mouth. I would have expected more of a stumble, but that's not what happens.

Theo's head snaps up, gaze snagging on mine, eyes full of want and hope but also fear that makes me feel like the world's biggest asshole.

"Like like? As in more than friends with benefits?"

My own fears tell me to say no, to shut this conversation down before I can get hurt, but I don't have it in me to do that. "Yes. Sometimes it's miserable, but most of the time it's incredible."

He chuckles. "Right? I feel the same. Mostly, though, the miserable part came in because I kept telling myself I didn't feel what I feel."

Guilt wreaks havoc on my insides. "I'm sorry I put you in that position. I don't…I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to give you the opportunity to hurt me, but it's also too late because I already have." I hope that came out right, that he realizes that means there's no turning back now. I like him, want to be with him, and there's no changing that.

"I won't hurt you. And even if this doesn't work out, you're worthy, and I'll always want you in my life. I'll always want you."

Oh God. What hope do I have when he says things like that? When he makes my heart feel like it's too big to fit inside my body?

"Come here." I cup his face and pull him closer, press my lips to his.

The kiss is gentle, a little unsure on both sides. We've found a rhythm together the past couple of weeks, Theo more comfortable in being with a guy, in being with me. This time, a lot of the insecurity is coming from me. What if I fuck this up? What if Theo decides he doesn't want me?

All that circles my brain, but then he reaches up, hand at my nape, tickling the skin there, and that helps. Being touched by Theo always helps. I lose my head, all those other thoughts hidden behind my lust as I deepen the kiss, push my tongue farther into his mouth, and damned if Theo doesn't try to climb over the console to get on my lap.

"Ouch, shit," he says, pulling back.

"I guess the car isn't the best place for us to have had this discussion."

"I'm glad we had it, though." His cheeks flush red.

"Me too."

"So does this mean you're my boyfriend?"

Any second, I expect the warning bells to start going off inside me…only they don't. There's nothing but Theo's eager smile and the taste of him on my tongue. "I…guess so?"

Thankfully, he chuckles. "Don't sound too excited."

"I am," I admit, that truth settling in my bones. "My first boyfriend."

"First?"

"I told you I don't do this." He grins smugly, and I add, "Don't be too proud of yourself."

"I can't help it. I am. I can't figure out why you chose me, but I'm happy you did."

"It's basically just because you're a ten," I tease, and he snickers.

"I thought I was a nine."

"That's before I knew you."

My face gets hot, and Theo points at me. "Holy shit, you're blushing. Normally I'm the one doing that. This is an exciting twist, and just so you know, if you're okay with it, I don't want to keep this a secret. I want everyone to know."

Damned if I don't want everyone to know too. "I'm game. Now let's deliver some more food, and hopefully, we'll have time for me to blow you before I go to work."

"Sounds like the perfect night to me."