Chapter 13

Bran felt horrible. He felt more than horrible. He felt like the scum of the earth. Ever since he had refused to go any further with Idalia and created the wall between them, she had remained far away from him and had not spoken another word.

He could feel her eyes burning holes into his head as she stared at him, and he suddenly wished he could undo all that had happened merely a few minutes ago. What had he been thinking? How could he have thought it was a good idea to touch her in any way? Even his kisses were a stain on her purity.

He should have never caressed Idalia at all, but now he had done so, it was all he could think about. He could still hear her moans in his ear as he had pleasured her. It was not like he wanted to stop. God, he wanted nothing more than to merge their bodies until Idalia's sang in perfect harmony with his. Until her moans turned into screams that could be heard from far away. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to do it, not when his hands were stained with blood. He did not deserve to be with Idalia, to taste her like he had. Damn it, it was not August who was the devil, but Bran himself.

He could see the sincerity in her gaze, and he knew he could never form this kind of relationship with a woman as pure-hearted as she was. She was a rebel and stubborn, but that did not mean he deserved her.

His body cried out to him for his betrayal, and Bran let out a low groan. He brought his legs closer together, glad she was no longer looking at him, else she would have seen the hardness in his trews once again. He knew she was way better than he deserved, yet his body had a mind of its own. Bran closed his eyes and tightened his hands around the oars as he struggled against the thoughts in his head. Pink flesh flashed behind his eyelids, and the musky smell of her womanhood mixed in with the smell of flowers filled his nose like a memory not easily forgotten. What had he gotten himself into? How was he to survive being so close to her when every part of him longed to give her what he wanted… What they both wanted.

His jaw tensed just as the oars hit the water once again and he looked back at Idalia. Although he had thoroughly enjoyed her moans and the clear pleasure he had seen on her face, he also liked talking to her, and now it seemed like he had ruined it. He racked his head for something to talk about, but nothing seemed good enough to break the ice that had settled between them.

Bran knew that allowing anything more to happen would give Idalia hope they could form some sort of bond between them, but he did not want that for her.

For the remainder of their journey they were quiet, but his mind was on the verge of madness. Was she angry that he had refused to go any further? Did she understand why he had stopped her? What was going through her head right then? So many thoughts plagued him, and it killed him that he did not have the answer to any of them. He could not very well ask her what she was thinking, not when he had been the one to put her in the state she was in.

He looked around as they began to approach more familiar waters. His heart always tensed when he thought of home, and now was no exception. They were beginning to get closer to the castle, and Bran found that he was feeling more nervous the nearer they got. He turned to Idalia and saw she was looking out at the general area of the castle as well. It had been a long time since Bran saw anyone from his family and he did not know how they would react to seeing him, especially not when they'd thought he was dead for so long.

As they neared the castle, Idalia perked up. Her face lightened, and a smile appeared on her lips as she looked back at him, while Bran tied the boat to the pier.

"I cannot wait to get to the castle. They are going to be so happy to see you," she said suddenly.

Bran was not certain of that, but he kept his thoughts to himself, not wanting her to worry about his feelings. He had gone down the path he chose on his own and he would deal with the consequences himself.

As they neared the castle, Bran fell back and moved a lot more slowly, trying to prolong the inevitable until it became impossible. He stopped and looked up when he entered the castle grounds. Despite the nerves he battled with, Bran suddenly had a sense of home. He had not felt anything like that the whole time he had been away. He closed his eyes and breathed in the familiar smell of the castle before following in after Idalia. He watched as a servant who had noticed them broke into a run, turning back every so often to make sure they were not a figment of his imagination.

Idalia squealed suddenly, drawing his attention back to her. She broke into a run, her arms extending wide as she ran into the arms of a girl, most probably her sister, Leonor.

Bran smiled and watched as everyone began to pile out of the castle. Katarina came out to greet them, and Dunn, the laird and Bran's close friend, was hurrying behind her. They exchanged hugs and looked her over, happy to see she was of sound health, while Idalia wiped the tears off Leonor's face and appeared quite contrite. He also saw Adamina and Ewan, Dunn's good friend and favored newest member of the council, walking towards her with open arms, waiting for their turn to greet her. As he stayed back watching the happy family reunion, his eyes spied movement, and Bran looked to the side to see his brother, Andrew.

Bran felt his throat close up. Andrew had left his black hair to grow longer than usual, and his blue eyes had dulled quite a bit. As was his usual manner, he stayed off to the side, watching as the family hugged and looked over Idalia. Bran felt an overwhelming urge to run over to him and wrap his arms around him.

He found the strength to slowly walk over to Andrew, his steps quickening when he saw the surprise and amazement in his brother's eyes. An then he felt himself flying, as Bran hurried over to him and wrapped his arms around him, resting his head on Andrew's shoulder. Tears stung at his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. It hit him suddenly that other than his daughter, about whom Andrew knew nothing, he was hugging all that was left of his family. His grip tightened even more and Andrew let out a strangled chuckle, clearly as overcome by his emotions as Bran was by his.

"I thought ye were dead, brother. It has been so long since I saw ye," Andrew said when they finally separated, still not letting him go. He looked him in the eyes, studying his face almost as if he could not believe Bran was indeed standing before him.

"I wasnae." Bran grimaced inwardly as he answered. His soul had died long ago, but he was not going to plague his brother with his mourning of it. He could not help but think that maybe it would have been better if he had died instead of doing all he had done so far on behalf of August Raymond. Yet he would not think of that for now, he would just enjoy seeing his brother and the rest of his family by anything but blood.

"Bran, is that really you?" Katarina asked, pulling away from the others surrounding Idalia and walking towards him, and it seemed her word drew all attention away from her sister. Seeing him for the first time since he had come, everyone followed Katarina and ran towards him as they all expressed how glad they were that he was alive.

"Thank you for helping my sister and me," Leonor said, smiling in a way that was similar to Idalia's, yet the difference to him was as wide as the body of water they had just crossed. Still, she was very pretty.

"I was only doing what I believed tae be right. I am glad ye are all right," he told her, returning her smile.

"Bran, thank you also for saving my life," Katarina's eyes were filled with tears, and she took his hands in hers as her smile grew bigger. "I am so glad to finally have the chance to tell you how much I appreciate what you did for all of us."

"I am glad ye are all doing so well," Bran said, warming up to the people around him. He chose to abandon his nervousness and live in the moment, simply enjoying his first time with them after so long.

"Come, I have someone I want you to meet," Dunn said, leading him inside, the others following after him. Katarina walked behind Bran as they went to the nursery. Bran knew what to expect, as Idalia had already told him about the baby carrying his name. Still, he was happy to see that Katarina and Dunn were safe and happy, as were the rest of them. They had all been through a lot, and now seemed like the time for recovery.

"This our son, Bran. We named him after you," Katarina said and held her husband's hand, while looking inside the crib at the sleeping baby.

"I am so honored, Katarina, yet I am nae sure I deserve this," Bran's eyes filled with the tears he had been holding on to for too long. He was breaking, he knew it, and his emotions were threatening to crack the cold fa?ade he had spent the last year creating. He reached down to carefully caress the cheek of the sleeping baby and wished he did not have to disappoint them as he had. Not after all of the warm welcomes, the gratitude and this little namesake.

He felt choked up suddenly as he pictured his daughter. He had not been given the opportunity to see her at this age. He had not been there to watch her grow, make her laugh and teach her new things. There were so many things he had not been there to show his daughter during her early life.

Bran missed her. Even when he had not been allowed to see her, it had filled him with contentment just to know she was in her tent and, at any moment, August might let him have a glimpse.

I need to save her.And I need to do it as soon as possible.

"What? What do you mean, you don't deserve it?" Katarina looked up from the crib at him. "Of course, you deserve the honor. If it were not for you, I would not be alive to have a child to name."

"We owe you everything we have built, Bran," Dunn said, clapping him on the back. Bran studied the pair as he took in what they said and for the first time in a long time, he really allowed himself to feel something other than regret and disgust. He struggled to hold back the tears, but it was no use.

"Can I?" he asked Katarina, pointing at the still sleeping bairn.

"Please," she responded with a huge smile as she picked up the child and gently placed him in Bran's open hands. He looked at the beautiful baby in his arms whose tiny fingers wrapped around his own, and he suddenly felt a sense of peace he had never felt before.

I need to make things right, tae make this child proud to carry me name.