Chapter 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

L ater, they bathed and changed into their clean night things. They sat by the fire, drank some wine, and in the intimate atmosphere, Arne soon felt emboldened to talk about what had happened between them earlier.

"That was some stunt ye pulled back there, makin' me swear tae try tae trust ye before ye'd jump down from the roof," he said, meeting her eyes.

She gave a small smile. "Aye. And as I ken ye're a man of yer word, I expect ye tae keep it."

"I'm tryin' right now. Can ye nae tell?" he asked, only half in jest.

"I can tell. Ye're actually bein' nice tae me."

"Ouch. Have I really been that bad?" he asked.

"D'ye really have tae ask?" She shot him a skeptical glance over the rim of her cup.

"All right, I suppose I have. But ye ken, I thought I had good reason tae mistrust ye."

"Aye, ye did." She gave a sigh and looked into his eyes. He could tell she was being honest with him when she went on, "That was one of the costs I had tae pay fer ye and Thorsten tae be safe—knowin' ye'd hate me fer leavin' ye. I ken it was hard fer ye when I left, but ye've nae idea how hard it was fer me, Arne, havin' tae leave ye like that and kennin' ye'd despise me."

She wrinkled her smooth brow in thought for a moment. "I told ye a while back that I'd made me peace with it in the time I was back on Barra. But that was a lie I told ye when we were fightin'. When I was plottin' me escape from Struan this time, I concentrated all me hopes on seein' Thorsten again. I thought I could stand ye hatin' me, that it would be worth it just tae ken ye were safe from him. But I was wrong. The truth is, I never made peace with it. I cannae stand ye hatin' me."

Her admission sent a jolt through Arne, prompting him to open his heart a little. "I'm sorry I've doubted ye so much, Raven. I ken at times I've treated ye badly because of it since ye came back. But when I read the letter ye left for me and realized what ye'd done, it almost destroyed me." He paused for a moment, groping for the right words to articulate his deepest thoughts properly, for the first time in over two years.

"Maybe it was a good thing ye left Thorsten here with me. He gave me a reason keep on livin'. The only reason. Without him, I think I would've likely been dead by now. I just shut down. It was like I couldnae stand tae care about anyone again except Thorsten and me family. I couldnae trust anyone else. Can ye try tae understand that?"

She nodded. "Aye, I can. Arne, I never expected ye tae be able tae trust me again. I had nay right tae ask that of ye. But it still hurt that ye couldnae find it in yersel' tae give me another chance."

"Ye ken I wanted tae, Raven, eh? I can see now, much as I was tryin' tae fight against me feelin's fer ye." He thought he had gone so far now down the road of truth, he might as well go the whole way.

"That night when we argued in the hallway outside Thorsten's room, when ye were upset about me tellin' him his ma was dead. D'ye remember?"

"Of course, I remember, Arne. And I still hate it that ye did that, but I can understand why ye did it now, and I dinnae blame ye fer it."

"I wish I hadnae done it, but I was so angry with ye, I just wanted tae hurt ye, even though I didnae ken where ye were. And I really didnae ken how tae explain tae him why his ma wasnae here."

He paused once more to collect his thoughts. "But that wasnae what I was talkin' about. D'ye remember what else happened then?"

She nodded, lowering her eyes, her cheeks turning pink. "I remember."

"The kiss."

"Aye, the kiss."

"Have ye thought about why that happened? Because I have, over and over. And then, the other night, when ye came in when I was bathin'. Well, ye saw how things have been with me concernin' ye."

"Arne, it was me that kissed ye back. It was me that came intae yer room. I could have turned around and left. I probably should have. But I didnae, I couldnae. Since ye're bein' so honest about it, I will too. Truthfully, when I saw ye in the tub, I didnae want tae go." She bushed even harder this time. "I didnae exactly fight ye off, did I? 'Tis nae just ye who's been struggling with it, this attraction between us. But when the maids came, and ye turned me away so coldly, well…" Her voice trailed off, and she shook her head gently. "That was humiliatin' and very hard fer me tae bear."

Arne was amazed by her frankness, and secretly thrilled that she was prepared to admit she still desired him as he did her. "I was a fool then, Raven, and I'm sorry. I couldnae seem tae help mesel' from leadin' ye on like that. I just wanted ye so much at that moment.

"Then, when ye kissed me back and showed me how much ye wanted me too, it felt so good, I got lost in ye again like I used tae. When we were interrupted, it was like I came back tae earth, and all the doubts and fears came rushin' back in. I told mesel' ye were tryin' tae use yer feminine wiles on me, tae manipulate me. That if I let ye in, ye'd leave me again."

She gave a wry chuckle. "I told mesel' ye did it on purpose tae humiliate and hurt me because ye still hated me and wanted tae punish me."

"Jaysus! What a pair we make, eh?" he said, shaking his head in disbelief.

She rose from the floor and sat in the chair opposite him, pulling her robe around her and leaning her head back on a cushion. She looked at him and smiled a little sadly.

"Ah, I wish me life had been different, Arne. 'Tis hard sometimes nae tae be bitter. It would have been lovely if me faither hadnae been such a cold bastard and wed me tae that monster Struan at seventeen. I couldnae imagine doin' such a thing tae me own daughter."

"Aye, me neither. But some men are cruel by nature, and ye just happened tae be unlucky, Raven. If I were ye, I'd be bitter too," Arne agreed, his heart aching for her.

"D'ye ken, the only time I've ever been really happy since then was when we were together? And the pair of them managed tae ruin that too. I feel awful sayin' this, but I think ye'll understand. The only thing that would please me more than me faither bein' dead would be hearin' that Struan was as well. To be honest, I'd happily kill him mesel'. Then I'd be free at last.

"It is nae right, is it? Fer a lass like me tae wish tae kill a man? But that's what they've done tae me. They've poisoned me soul."

Arne's growing hatred for her husband burgeoned to new dimensions inside him hearing her so forlorn and unhappy. It was all he could do not to pull her onto his lap and rock her as he would a hurt child, to offer comfort.

But he did not trust himself not to take things further, so he held back. Instead, he reached out his hand to her. She looked up and smiled as she took it and squeezed it gently before letting go.

"'Tis nae yer fault, Raven, none of it. Ye have a good heart. Listen," he said, leaning forward in his chair, "men kill each other all the time for less than what yer faither and MacDonald have done tae ye. Even right now, this second, if MacDonald walked intae this room, I'd run the bastard through without a second thought."

She opened her eyes wide and stared at him, and her lips parted. "I wish he would," she said.

"So dae I," Arne assured her fervently. "And if I ever get the chance tae kill him fer ye, Raven, I will."

"Would it be wrong of me if I said that's the sweetest thing ye've ever said tae me? See, they've made me a monster too," she replied, breaking into an uneasy laugh.

"If ye didnae wish him dead, then ye'd nae be human. Men like that, they spread misery and sufferin' wherever they go," he told her. "Dinnae feel bad about wantin' him dead. If ye'd been born a man, ye would probably have killed him long ago. And naebody would judge ye fer it."

"Aye, maybe ye're right, but I dinnae want tae be like them. I want tae be better."

"Ye already are. A hundred times better."

"Thank ye, Arne. I feel a lot better now we can talk freely, without feelin' I have tae lie tae ye all the time. But the fear still hasnae gone. Struan is still me husband, and unless one of us dies, he'll keep huntin' me down fer makin' a fool of him. The last time he dragged me back tae Barra, he told me that if I ran again, he'd kill me fer sure."

Arne was outraged. "Bloody hell, Raven! Why did ye nae tell me that before?"

She shrugged. "Tae keep ye safe. But there's somethin' else too I havenae told ye fer fear of what ye might dae."

"What is it?" he asked.

"Ye ken Struan despises me fer nae givin' him a son."

"Aye, ye told me."

"If he ever found out I had a bairn with another man, a son at that, he'd kill Thorsten for sure."

Christ Almighty," Arne muttered, appalled and angry. His hatred for MacDonald went up another notch. He was now beginning to understand Raven's terror of her husband and exactly what lengths she had gone to, to protect their son. In the deepest, darkest corner of his soul, he vowed to kill the evil bastard that would dare to think of killing his son.

"The sooner we get tae yer braither's castle and start makin' plans tae dae somethin' about MacDonald, the better. He needs tae be stopped, permanently."

"Aye, but I'm scared, Arne. I ken what he's capable of. I'm so sorry, Arne, I never meant tae bring all this trouble tae yer door," she said sorrowfully.

"I told ye, Raven, 'tis nae yer fault. Some people are just trouble."

They fell into a contemplative silence for a while, while Arne fed the loathing for her husband that was burning inside him. He wanted to tell his brothers exactly what Raven had told him about MacDonald because he knew that when he did, Haldor and Ivar would want to kill him too.

Haldor already had scouts and spies deployed in the field, finding out all they could about the military capabilities of MacDonald's army as well as the movement of him and his lackeys as they continued to search for Raven.

They would join with Everard and Maxwell MacNeil and their army to bring an end to MacDonald's reign of terror once and for all.

When he looked over at Raven, he saw she had dozed off in her chair. He looked at her for a long time as she slept, this woman he loved, admiring the curve of her cheek and mouth, the dark fans of her lashes beneath her eyes, their lids painted amber in the lamplight. She looked so fragile, so vulnerable, it made his heart ache to think of all she had suffered and suffered still.

He rose to his feet and lifted her up gently, careful not to wake her. Then he carried her across the hall to her chamber, just as if she were his bride, and tucked her into her own bed. He covered her up, stroked her silky black hair, and kissed her brow. Before he left, he banked up the fire and then went out quietly, leaving her to sleep.