Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

T he afternoon was darkening by the time they reached the castle. They went up the stairs with Raven holding one of Thorsten's mittened hands and Arne the other, the three of them laughing joyfully as they swung him up between them stair by stair.

He rushed ahead and ran into his room. When Arne and Raven arrived, they found him in Muriel's arms, his arms around her neck. He babbled excitedly, "We went in the little house and we had a picnic, and then raced boats by the waterfall."

"My, my, my, what a busy time ye've had, little man," the nursemaid said, laughing as she hugged him with obvious affection. "I'm very glad ye had lots of fun."

"I did, and Lady Raven says we can go back anytime I want."

"That's grand, Thorsten," she replied, setting him back on his little legs again. "Are ye too full fer yer tea? Cook made some muffins specially fer ye."

"Och, I'm hungry," he told her, his eyes lighting up. He patted his belly, so it made a hollow sound. "See?"

"I think I'd better check with yer Da first. I dinnae want ye eatin' too much and gettin' a tummy ache afore bedtime."

Thorsten ran over to Arne and clung to his legs, looking up at him imploringly. "Can I have a muffin, Da?" he wheedled.

"Aye, I suppose one cannae hurt, even though ye've eaten yer own weight in shortbread this afternoon."

"See, Muriel, Da says I can have one," the little boy crowed, triumphant.

"All right, but we must get yer outside things off first. Then ye can sit by the fire and have yer muffin."

While this was going on, Arne noticed from the corner of his eye how Raven's demeanor had changed. She was all smiles for Thorsten, but she gave Muriel no more than a cursory nod when the nursemaid greeted her. The only conclusion he could come to that made any sense was that she was jealous of the affection their son had for Muriel. That was natural, he supposed. Despite the hidden part of him that wished it was for himself, he had to admit it seemed unlikely.

They tarried there for a while longer, joining Thorsten around the fire while Arne helped him to toast the muffin. Thorsten insisted on sitting next to Raven on his little stool, which Arne could see made her happy. Nevertheless, he knew he was not imagining the tension in her body. It had not been there earlier. Something had changed. His suspicions were proven right when suddenly, out of nowhere, Thorsten looked up at Raven with his big blue eyes and asked guilelessly, "Lady Raven, have ye got a ma?"

He was taken aback, confused as to why the boy should ask such a question of her. Muriel, clearly oblivious to the undercurrent, was buttering some muffins. Arne exchanged a worried glance with Raven, whom he could see was as surprised as him by their son's question.

He was worried because he recalled her once telling him before Thorsten was born that her mother had died giving birth to her, and that she had always felt guilty about it, believing it was her fault. He knew it was a very sensitive subject with her. He watched with a degree of anxiety as her bright smile wavered fractionally.

He was about to intervene when she spoke softly but firmly to Thorsten. "Well, now, hinny, everyone has a ma and a da. But nae everyone is lucky enough tae get tae spend time with them. I'm sad tae say that's what happened tae me. Ye see, me poor ma died when I was just a wee baby, so I cannae even remember her. But I ken her name was Agnes, and she was a very kind and gentle lady. I've seen a paintin' of her, and she was very beautiful."

Arne watched Thorsten's face as he listened to her speaking. His eyes were wide, and he looked to be hanging on every word. "Did she have hair like ye?" he asked.

"Aye, she did, as black and shiny as a raven's wing," she told him, smiling and ruffling his hair. "Just like yers."

"And yers," the boy said, reaching up and taking hold of one of the curling tresses in his little paw. He tugged on it gently before letting it spring back.

"Aye, we both have the same hair! Is that nae amazin'?" she said, clearly trying to sound light-hearted.

"I dinnae have a ma either," Thorsten suddenly said in a small voice. "She died too. Muriel says she's up in heaven lookin' down on me. But where is heaven?"

Arne's heart clenched when he saw Raven's face blanch, and he had to admire her self-control when she replied, "'Tis a mile up through the clouds, beyond the stars and the moon, further than ye or me can see."

"That's far," Thorsten said, his small face pensive. "What's it like in heaven though? Can we go there and see me ma?"

"Och, Heaven is a lovely place. There's sunshine all day long, and ye can eat as many sweeties as ye like without gettin' a tummy ache. 'Tis full of toys, and muffins, and cakes, and horses, and puppies, and kittens, and there's nay bed time, and ye dinnae have tae have a bath if ye dinnae want tae."

"It sounds grand," Thorsten observed more cheerfully. The trust in his eyes as he conversed with Raven made the lump in Arne's throat grow even bigger and harder to swallow.

"Aye, it is," she replied, nodding sagely. "Only the best people get tae go there. 'Tis sort of a reward for bein' good. And so will we, one day. But nae until we're older, so we must be patient until then."

"Can ye come back?"

"I dinnae think so, but naebody kens fer sure," Raven said, and Arne noticed her reply earned a puzzled look from Muriel, while he understood what she meant all too well.

"All right, I'll be patient," Thorsten said. Muriel passed him a muffin then, and he immediately forgot what they had been talking about, thanked her, and tucked into it with a grin.

They stayed eating muffins and drinking tea for a while longer, listening to Thorsten's chatter about the day, before Muriel announced it was time for Thorsten to have his bath. With promises to come and say goodnight to him before bedtime, Arne and Raven finally left together.

Raven did not want to leave Thorsten at all, yet at the same time, she feared she would lose her mind if she did not get out of the room soon. Her emotions were in such a tumult, she just wanted to go to her chambers and be alone. She certainly dd not want to talk to Arne. In fact, all thoughts of the wonderful afternoon they had just shared with their boy had flown from her head, and she was furious with him.

She hurried down the hall, into her chamber, and went to close the door. But it would not close, and when she looked down, she realized why not. Arne's boot was stuck in it.

"What are ye doin'? Get yer foot out, will ye?" she snapped, pushing all her weight against the door, trying to make him remove his foot. But her effort was in vain because he merely pushed his way in and closed the door behind him. Powerless to do anything else, she squared up to him. "What d'ye mean by forcin' yer way in here? Will ye please leave?" she snapped, angry and close to tears.

"I'll leave when ye tell me what's wrong with ye," he said, standing his ground.

She scoffed. "As if ye dinnae ken!"

"If I did, I wouldnae be askin' ye."

"Ye tellin' Thorsten I'm dead, that's what's wrong with me. How d'ye think that feels, tae hear him say his ma's dead and askin' me all about heaven and if he can go and see her. D'ye think that's easy tae hear?" she ranted, her fists clenched at her sides.

He shook his head in obvious disbelief. "That's bloody rich comin' from the woman who chose tae abandon him as a baby," he growled.

"Dinnae keep sayin' I abandoned him!" she almost screamed in frustration, her soul rebelling against the very idea. "Ye ken very well, I had nae choice."

"Ye had a choice. Ye chose nae tae tell me about yer husband and ran away instead," he said coldly. "What else was I gonnae tell him when he asked me where his ma was?"

"I dinnae ken, anythin' but that I'm bloody dead! How am I gonnae ever be able tae tell him I'm his maither now!"

"Well, I noticed ye left the door open there, eh? Tellin' him that naebody kens if folk come back from heaven or nae."

"I had tae, I didnae want tae upset him by tellin' him otherwise."

"Very clever. So, ye're pavin' the way fer when ye miraculously appear in his life, alive and kickin' I suppose."

"Ach, what's the point? Ye'll never understand," she said.

He took a step closer to her, so they were standing only a couple of feet apart. "I understand enough tae ken how jealous ye are of Muriel. Ye hardly spoke tae the lassie, but she's done naethin' wrong."

"How would ye feel in me shoes, Arne? What if ye had tae watch another man actin' like a faither tae yer bairn?" She struck at her chest with her fist. "Aye, I'm jealous. It hurts me!"

"I cannae believe yer actin' this way. 'Tis totally unreasonable, and ye're nae bein' fair tae Muriel. Did ye expect me tae care fer him all alone, with nae help, and then just turn up when ye felt like it? She's been there for Thorsten when ye were away God kens where."

"Aye, and I suppose she's been there fer ye as well, has she? How very cozy fer ye! I'll bet she's kept ye warm in yer bed at night, eh? Why d'ye nae wed her and ye can all be one happy family?!" she burst out before she could stop herself. As soon as the words left her lips, she regretted them, and the look of shock on Arne's face told her she had made a bad mistake in letting him know her jealousy was over him. Choking down a sob, she turned away.

Hardly had she moved when she felt him grab her by the shoulder and spin her around to face him. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment, then he took hold of her by the waist with one hand, and with the other he gripped the back of her head.

She was completely unprepared for the passionate force with which his mouth suddenly came down on hers, possessing it entirely. As his tongue slid tantalizingly between her lips and explored her mouth, a fire ignited deep within her.

Instinctively, she opened her mouth and entwined her tongue with his, closing her eyes and abandoning herself to the heady feeling of his touch, which she had craved for so long. As the kiss deepened and intensified, she put her arms around his neck, entwining her fingers in his hair, pulling him closer. He crushed her to his body, his mouth ravaging hers hungrily.

Her entire body trembled as an almost overwhelming wave of desire washed over her, engulfing her completely. She let the fire burn within her, eagerly answering his questing tongue with her own. How she had missed him! It felt incredible to be kissing him again, and she never wanted it to end. Tingles ran over her skin like tiny flickering flames, and heat pooled between her legs, her whole being infused by desperate want.

But it did end, and when they finally broke apart and stepped back, Raven stood dazed, trembling, her chest rising and falling rapidly as they looked into each other's eyes. The kiss and her own impassioned response to it had left her shaken to her core.

Part of her exulted , for did the kiss not mean he still wanted her, as she wanted him? A flicker of hope rose in her breast. For so long, in the lonely misery of her locked chamber at Castle McDonald, in the depths of her heart, she had imagined this happening so many times. She had ached to be back in the arms of the man she adored, knowing he loved her, with no lies between them to poison their happiness. Or perhaps he was just taunting her now that he knew for sure how she still cared for him and was even jealous of the nursemaid.

For what seemed to her like an eternity, neither of them spoke. Raven waited on tenterhooks, her lips still tingling from the feel of his mouth on hers. She was not even sure she could speak. All she could hear was her fluttering breath, the pounding of her heart in her ears, and his ragged breathing as they continued to stare at each other.

But then, when he continued to say nothing and made no move towards her, the fragile hope inside her of a reconciliation waned and died, and the stabbing pain of another rejection pierced her heart.

"That shouldnae have happened," he said, his voice low and gruff, sounding as though he was angry with her as well as himself. "It was a mistake. It willnae happen again."

His harsh dismissal was like a blow to Raven's stomach, and she stood frozen to the spot in a state of agony until he turned and strode from the room without another word. Only then could she move, and she rushed to slam the door and lock it before she threw herself on the bed and let the tears she had been holding back flow into the pillow.