Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

E sme felt Finn’s hand tighten on her own as she drew a shaky breath to begin her story. For a brief, horrible moment, she wondered if he might not be embarrassed by what she might say. If his reluctance was about himself, not her. But when she looked at him, when she saw his warmth and love for her as plain as the wonderful nose on his handsome face, that fear faded.

Slowly, she told her story. About her father’s horrible and sudden death, about her suspicions surrounding the circumstances, about her cousin’s cruelty. She watched as Sebastian and Marianne went through the emotions of horror on her behalf, anger for what she’d endured.

“I know my cousin has said I ran off to whore my way through the continent,” she said, her cheeks burning hot. “Or marry some inappropriate charlatan. But in truth, I ran to escape what I feared were his continued murderous plans.”

“You ran to save your life,” Ramsbury said with an awe to his tone. “Brave of you.”

She blinked at that kindness. “Th-thank you, my lord.”

“Sebastian,” Ramsbury said softly. “My lady.”

She winced. She hadn’t been addressed as my lady in an age. “Esme is fine.”

He smiled at her with a nod. “Esme.”

“How did you take care of yourself?” Marianne asked.

In any other woman, Esme might have thought Marianne was trying to force her to admit some shame. But Marianne was too sweet for that. By the way the men exchanged glances, she could see Sebastian had guessed some of it without having to be told the specifics. But Marianne had been sheltered and Esme didn’t want to say that she’d survived on her back for a time, just in case the other woman might not like her as much. Her future husband would surely tell her soon enough.

Another reason why a life with Finn couldn’t be possible.

“I-I box,” Esme admitted. “I go by Hellion.”

Sebastian had taken a drink and now he choked on it, his eyes widening as he set his glass aside. “ The Hellion?” he repeated when he had his breath.

“Even I’ve heard of the Hellion,” Marianne said. “You’re a champion, aren’t you?”

Esme nodded. “I know it’s shocking, but I was lucky to make wonderful friends who protected me and helped me find a way to take care of myself after a life of being sheltered from any kind of work.”

They both stared at her, surprise so plain on their faces. She wondered if they would shun her now, kindly of course, but firmly in the end. Perhaps it would be easier. They’d warn Finn against her, it might help him see that loving her couldn’t be enough.

Only that wasn’t what happened. Marianne reached across the table and grabbed her hand in both of hers. She squeezed gently. “You are so wonderfully courageous, Esme.”

Sebastian nodded. “I’m glad to know all this because now I can help.”

“Help?” she repeated with a blank look at Finn. “Why would you help? How could you help?”

“The why is simple,” Sebastian said. “I like you. I like him, despite himself. And the how is…perhaps more complicated. I’m your servant, Esme. And I’ve always been yours, Finn, for any duty you’d ask of me. I would like to add that I have developed a friendship of sorts with the Duke of Willowby in the last year or so. We were both interested in the same investment situation and ended up having drinks a few times at Fitzhugh’s. I’m under the impression that he was once was, if not still is, involved with the War Department. I would think he would be very interested the kind of activities Finn suspects your cousin of being involved in. Not to mention the potential murder of a peer.”

“Truly?” Finn said with a shake of his head. “I never would have guessed it.”

“I think that’s how he got the limp,” Sebastian said. “He’s very undercover about it all. It’s fascinating. But if you’d like, I could inquire if he might be interested or know parties interested in such information. I’d keep your name out of it, Esme, if you like.”

There was a flash of hope that tore through her at the suggestion and she glanced at Finn. If they could stop her cousin then…

But no. That would end the imminent danger, perhaps, but a return to Society, after all she’d done and been, still felt impossible.

“If your cousin was gone, would you be safe?” Finn asked softly.

She nodded. “The next in line is an even more distant relation. He’s never been anything but decent. He’s rather a bore, actually. I doubt he’d hurt a fly.”

Finn smiled. “I’ll buy him a drink. I think he might become my best friend.”

“Ouch,” Sebastian muttered with a teasing wink that Finn rolled his eyes at.

“I think you should take Sebastian up on his offer,” Finn said, leaning closer to her. “But you’re the one who must decide.”

“If Francis is dancing around your doorstep, there’s no choice but to take care of this,” Esme said. She looked at Sebastian. “Please do reach out to the duke. And if Willowby needs to discuss details with me I’ll…I’ll do it.” Her cheeks flamed at the idea of her personal heartbreaks on display for even more prying eyes.

But to save Finn, she would do it.

“I’ll reach out tonight,” Sebastian said. “Willowby and his duchess, Diana, are attending the wedding gathering here tomorrow. I’m sure he’d be happy to discuss it further then and get more details.”

“Oh, yes,” Marianne said. “We could all meet with them privately at some point during the party.”

Esme frowned. “At your wedding gathering? That is too much to ask, I don’t want to ruin anything!”

“You wouldn’t,” Sebastian said and then he smiled as he settled a hand on Marianne’s. “You couldn’t .”

She ignored him. “I-I shouldn’t allow this, to drag even more people into my problems.” Her feelings began to overwhelm her, guilt and hurt and anxiety. In a moment she wouldn’t be able to control them, so she pushed back from the table. “I’m sorry. Clearly I’m overwrought. I should leave you to your family. I shouldn’t have intruded here at all.”

The rest were starting to rise, but she fled the room before anyone could tell her to stop. Before they could offer more of themselves in sacrifice for her: a woman who didn’t belong in their lives, who could only cause trouble for them in the long run.

And she hated herself for it.

F inn watched Esme dart from the room with helplessness washing over him. He returned to his seat with a thud and covered his eyes with one hand. Her fears, her beliefs about what her future could and couldn’t hold…they were so powerful.

“This is what you meant earlier,” Sebastian said softly.

Finn let out his breath slowly. “Yes. She’s had to run, had to fight, for so long. She can’t believe there could still be a place for her in my world.”

Marianne looked off in the direction Esme had departed. “I cannot imagine what she endured, without protection from the very person who should have been thinking of her welfare. I was and am very lucky to have you, Finn.”

He smiled at her and took her hand. “Do you like her?”

“Oh, yes. I do. I always liked her from afar, but up close she is wonderful. There is a steel that goes through her, a strength I very much envy.”

“You have a great deal of your own strength,” Sebastian said as he put an arm around her.

She smiled up at him, adoration easy in her eyes. Finn wished it could be so for him, that he and Esme could somehow overcome the obstacles that separated them as Sebastian and Marianne had.

Theirs were far more complicated, though.

“Be patient,” Marianne said. “As you said, she’s had to run for a long time, never trusting anyone, perhaps even herself. It’s her habit. But she wouldn’t be here, she wouldn’t have trusted you and the people you surround yourself with, if she didn’t have some desire to stay. Give her every reason to do so and I pray she’ll come around. That she’ll see she has a future.”

“You are very wise,” Finn said, and smiled.

“I know we intended to stay beyond supper and enjoy ourselves,” she said with another glance at Sebastian. “But I think it would be best for us to go. It will allow you to check on her without the pressure of guests awaiting your return.”

“And I can write my letter to Willowby as soon as we get home,” Sebastian said.

Finn arched a brow. “ We ? Are you implying that you and my sister will be spending the night together, before your wedding tomorrow?”

“Oh, stop,” Marianne said with a laugh that warmed Finn’s world. “You two are ridiculous.”

They all rose and Finn led them to the foyer where the carriage was called for. As they waited, he smiled at the pair. “Love looks good on you both and I’m truly joyful for you, despite all the rest of this trouble. Tomorrow will be the happiest of days.”

Marianne was almost bouncing as she stepped forward to kiss his cheek. “I cannot wait.”

“Nor can I,” Sebastian said. The carriage arrived and he helped her up and then turned back to shake Finn’s hand. “We’ll resolve this one way or another, you know. You’re not alone in facing it.”

“That means a great deal. Good night.” Finn patted Sebastian’s shoulder and then watched as he took his place next to Marianne and off the carriage went.

For a moment Finn stood in the cool night air. He stared up at the stars above with a sigh. If he could only wish on one and fix all this for Esme, he would do it. He would pull all the stars down if he could save her from her fears and her past and whatever she felt was stopping her from the life she wanted.

But he couldn’t do that. So he had to go up and talk to her instead. To face whatever she’d say about his confession of his heart. Even if it broke that same heart. Even if it broke all the dreams he was beginning to have about a future with her.

E sme stood at the window, staring down at the moonlit garden below. It was a beautiful view and a beautiful room, even if she was still startled by the fact that Finn had chosen the chamber his future countess would one day inhabit. It seemed so desperately unfair to sleep in the bed of a phantom who would at some point join the life of the man Esme loved.

There was a light knock on the door from the direction of the antechamber and she turned and folded her hands before her. “Please, come in.”

The door opened and it was Finn. She’d known it would be, but she caught her breath nonetheless. He’d removed his jacket and cravat and rolled his sleeves to the elbow. He no longer wore boots, either. There was something so intimate about seeing him like this in this room. The barefoot, undone earl before her wasn’t meant for her. He belonged to some other person, a lady with far less burden to bear.

“Did your sister and Ramsbury go?” she asked.

He nodded. “Yes. He’ll write his letter to Willowby tonight.”

She swallowed, forcing back the hope that could break her if it wasn’t realized. “I’m sorry I made a fool of myself in front of your family.”

He stepped fully into the room and crossed halfway to her before he stopped himself. “Please, hush. They understand your situation, your difficulties.”

She almost laughed. “How could they ever? How could they ever truly make a place for me at their table now that they know what I’ve done, what I’ve been?”

“Because I love you.”

She shut her eyes and wobbled. His earlier declaration had never stopped ringing in her ears and now he repeated it, making it clear that it wouldn’t be something they could pretend away. That she could ignore until she’d convinced him not to be so foolish. “Please don’t say it again.”

He took another step. “But I must. I’ve fallen in love with you, Esme. I tell you this not to pressure you or hurt you, but because I cannot keep it to myself. It swells, it takes over, it lights up my life. I wake aching from it and for you.” His breath caught a fraction and she couldn’t stop staring at the earnest emotion on his wonderful, beautiful face. “Could you ever feel such a thing for me in return?”

She bent her head. She should tell him no. She should set him free. But that wasn’t what was going to happen. She wasn’t strong enough in the end. Or perhaps her own feelings were just too strong.

“I wish I could lie to you and say no,” she said, meeting his gaze. “I wish I could protect you and tell you I feel nothing for you. But I can’t.” His face lit up and she had to fight the tears that welled up in her. “You look happy, but this is no celebration, Finn. I do love you in every part of me. And I love you enough to know that I’ll destroy you if I survive whatever is about to happen and then imprudently try to put myself into your life.”

“No,” he said, and he moved to her at last, taking her hand, drawing her to his chest.

She looked up at him. “Please, you’re no fool. The scandal of my return to Society would be intense. If anyone ever found out I’d been a lightskirt or the Hellion, and they likely would, it would be even bigger and more out of control.”

“I don’t care,” he whispered as he traced her cheek with his fingertips.

“You should ,” she said, and stepped away even though leaving his arms felt like tearing herself in two. “And even if you somehow truly don’t, I do . I don’t belong in your life anymore. I’m not Lady Charlotte. And I don’t want to hurt you.”

She could see a thousand arguments on his face and she braced for a long night of them. Of growing anger and resentment that would sting like fire, but perhaps in the end would save this man. But instead of launching into those arguments, he put his arms around her and held her close. He kissed the crown of her head and let out a long sigh.

“Right now I think it’s best to focus on Francis and removing the threat he poses,” he said, his voice muffled by her hair. “The rest will come after.”

She lifted her face to his and stared up at him. Her love for him was so powerful in that moment that she feared she might be the one convinced in the long run, even if she knew it would hurt him. He smiled at her, something so gentle, and then he bent his head to kiss her.

She lifted to him, whispering his name as she cupped his cheeks. He drew her to the bed that would be for his wife and as they fell against it, sweetness turning to something with more heat, she pretended, just for a while, that it could be her.