42. Hazel

HAZEL

I was fucking furious. Devastated.

Of course it manifested itself into the sensation of needing to throw up constantly. Chest squeezing, blood pounding in my skull.

It must have been through my panty selling somehow. That was the weakest link between my real life and Sierra. I didn't put a return address on domestic orders and used a PO box I never checked for international ones. Maybe it was some sick fuck at the post office?

Ben's hand came to rest on my shoulder. "Hazel, you need to stop."

I shook his hand off. I continued to stare at the screen as I googled every single one of my recent orders. Names. Addresses.

I had been at it for hours.

I didn't even know what I was looking for. Did it matter where they lived? Their professional work history? That one time they reviewed a kebab shop that took forever to make a HSP?

I just had to feel like I was doing something.

Something in my brain snapped when I was scrolling through the inane social media posts of some dude posing in front of a truck in every picture. I flung my mouse away and screamed.

"I have to shut down my account." The words felt like black tar in my throat. "Which makes me even angrier because it feels like they've won." My hands curled into fists, my nails digging painfully into my palms. "And what if they leak my name and address regardless? This is fucked!"

People were more than happy to subscribe and enjoy my content. But being respectful of my boundaries for privacy? Apparently too much to ask for.

Remy spun my chair around, crouching down so we were eye level. His hands ran up and down my thighs comfortingly. "Pause your account for now. I'll pause mine too. All we need to say is that we're dealing with a privacy violation." He glanced at where the letter lay on the desk. "We don't know what they want. Do they want you to stop?" His voice grew strained as his eyes darkened. "Do they want you?"

"I agree," Aleks said quietly. His arms were folded, his posture rigid and tense. "Don't make irreversible decisions based on very little information. But protect yourself however you can and see what happens next."

I tried to rub away the dull ache behind my eyes. "Just…wait? What am I supposed to do until then? Just be in this shitty state of limbo forever?"

I hoped they understood my rage was directed at the situation and not them.

Ben linked our fingers together. "How about we do something to distract you and make it feel a little less shitty. Even if it's only for a little while."

I looked up at him desolately. "Like what?"

"Almost…almost."

"So close!"

"Ben, why did you put so much in?!"

"I didn't mean to, my hand just slipped!"

I grumbled, picking up the soju bottle. This was precision work. Requiring a flawless execution.

And I was quite drunk.

"Hazel, you're fucked."

"Yeah, sorry Hazel."

Juno was the only one who believed in me. "You can do it!"

The soju-filled shot glass floated precariously in the larger beer glass. We'd been passing around the bottle and adding more each time. Getting closer to sinking the entire thing.

Loser had to down the entire glass, shot and all.

"Fuck it." I poured an aggressive amount of soju into the shot until it spilled over and crashed to the bottom of the glass spectacularly. Before anyone could say anything I had thrown it back.

"Goddamn, babe," Remy said, sounding both amazed and in disbelief.

Healthy coping mechanism? No.

An acceptable one-night-only distraction from my reality? Very much needed.

Ben had called up Juno, asking if she and any of her pack would like to join us for an impromptu night out. She'd roped in two of her packmates and gave me the biggest hug when we met up in the city.

"If there's anything we can do, just ask. Ok?"

I wasn't sure what I could even ask for at this point. Nevertheless I hugged her back. "Thank you. I will."

"Great, now let's get drunk."

Our proposed bar crawl stopped abruptly on the second location when we realised they had soju available. We'd been playing drinking games for the last hour, getting rowdier and finding each other more and more hysterical for some reason. The table was littered with bottle caps and when Juno's alpha Everett announced he had just placed a huge order of fries Juno and I almost cried with joy.

"Are you going to marry him?" I wept, clutching her arm.

"I should, shouldn't I?" she gasped.

One of her other alphas — Ari — leaned over and muttered to Everett out of the corner of his mouth. "Wait till they find out about all the dipping sauces they come with."

"Dipping sauces?!" Juno shrieked.

Ben clapped his hands over his ears. "God, Juno. Some of us want to have hearing left after tonight."

Remy was mystified watching Ben and Juno interact.

"I like my sister. You don't like your sister?" Remy asked.

"Not really."

An ice cube hit Ben squarely in the middle of his forehead.

"Even less now," Ben said, retaliating with a balled up napkin.

Remy looked at him for a long time. "I don't believe you," he said finally.

Aleks was the least drunk out of all of us. Not that we asked him to be. He turned down everything after his first drink despite my best puppy eyes.

"You don't have to take care of us. It's ok to have fun."

He kissed me. "Looking after you is fun."

Such a liar. But I understood his inability to truly let go for now. I made a mental note to take him out when all this was over and get him properly sloshed.

Then the waiter arrived with the fries and I caught Aleks' muttered oh thank god.

The drinking games were abandoned as Juno and I began to very seriously analyse and rank the sauces. I'd missed her. We hadn't been catching up as much, a natural consequence of falling into relationships.

"We need to do this more often," I told her seriously.

Juno was waving a fry around, dancing and weaving with it. "You, me and this any day of the week, Hazie," she said dreamily. Ari quietly swapped her beer with a glass of water.

She was so light and carefree these days and deserved nothing less. Unfortunately my mind decided to jump straight to the fact that my world had gone to shit in comparison.

"Excuse me." I stood up, forcing out a laugh. "Bathroom."

Ben immediately rose. "I'll come with you."

Because we don't know if I'm even safe out here like this.

His hand found the small of my back in the dimly lit hallway. "Are you all right?" He shook his head. "Sorry, that was dumb. Of course you're not." His forehead creased as he struggled. "I meant, are you alright for right now. Did…did that make sense?"

I squished my nose into his chest and sighed. "Ben, you're drunk."

"Yeah, I guess I am a bit." His arms came around me and he breathed me in. "God, you smell good. Have I ever told you?" Before I could answer he barrelled on. "I want to rub my face all over you like a cat every time I'm around you."

I jerked back with a surprised laugh. "You never told me that."

"And I always want to fuck you," he sighed, heavily. "It's so inconvenient."

Oh this was getting dangerous now. I loved the way he was holding me, swaying slightly to the background music all liquid and honey around me.

"You could be doing literally anything," Ben mumbled, oblivious. "And I start to wonder what would happen if I just…"

I leaned in close. "Just what, Ben?"

He wouldn't meet my eyes, like he was worried he was about to get in trouble. "Put it in," he whispered.

"Oh my god!" I clapped my hand over his mouth.

"I know," he moaned against my palm. "I'm a lecher."

I rubbed his cheek affectionately. "But a cute one."

Ben leaned into my touch as his eyes drifted shut. "And I need you to be happy. That's the hardest one. Can I be honest with you?"

"Always," I responded instantly.

"Sometimes I struggle with what you do."

My chest felt bottomless, the air squeezed out of it.

"But it's not what you think, Hazel," he said quickly. "I want you to know that I see how hard you work with Remy. How much thought you put into making your content the best it can be and creating this…idea of Sierra. I know she's not you. I…do see that."

The muscle on the side of his jaw tensed.

"It's everyone else I hate, Hazel. How they think they somehow have rights to Hazel because you give them Sierra."

How could I fault him for feeling the exact same way I did?

"I know. I find it hard too," I confessed quietly.

I wondered if there was a way to have the creatively-driven content side without any of the other bullshit.

"When it comes to our doorstep like this..." His mouth hardened into a firm line. "It makes me feel the way I did when I failed Juno all over again."

"Hey." I kissed his cheeks. "This is completely different. No one is hiding the truth from you here. And Juno is fine. More than fine. Look."

We both turned our gazes back into the bar where Juno was nose-deep in the menu and Everett looked like he was struggling to keep track of everything she was asking him to order. Ari eventually started making a list on his phone. It looked long.

Ben sighed. "I just don't know if I'm doing enough."

God, I just wanted to wrap him up in my arms and never let go. "You are." I kissed him, pressing our bodies together as tightly as possible. "You're enough."

You're mine.

I bit it back, not quite ready to say it yet. I kissed him harder instead, letting my tongue trace his lower lip before sliding into his mouth. I could feel his hard muscle beneath my fingertips as I traced the way his broad shoulders filled out his shirt. He had a way of making me feel small, protected and wrapped up in him.

"Hazel." My name was molten on his lips.

And I felt irresponsible tonight.

"You could if you wanted," I murmured.

"Could what?"

"Put it in."

His pupils expanded rapidly, his nostrils flaring. "Don't," he said warningly. "We're in public."

I tilted my head towards the single stall bathrooms. "Not in there we wouldn't be."

Despite his disapproving words, he had backed me against the wall. He braced his arms on either side of my head. "We are surrounded by my sister's pack."

"Hardly. Two out of six and they're both occupied right now," I countered.

Ben seemed to have ceased breathing entirely.

"Are you trying to think of a third excuse?"

"No."

The next minute I was being pulled into the bathroom. The metallic click of a lock, the punctuated swipe of a zipper being undone and the slap of my hands against the mirror.

"You're going to take me fast—"

He was beneath my skirt, yanking the delicate string of my panties to one side.

"And hard."

My breath fogged the mirror as he filled me from behind with a single, forceful thrust. Ben watched every changing emotion flicker across my face as he rutted into me like a beast. It was everything I wanted and exactly what I needed. Mindless, rough and filthy. I felt dazed and all I could do was hold on and hope the music outside was drowning out my short, sharp cries.

"You're dripping, Hazel." His hot breath fanned against my neck. "Do you like it when I use you like this?"

All I could manage was a slight nod of my head.

"I can't knot you here, so you're going to drink me down like a good little cumslut."

God, had he been trading notes with Remy or something?

"Yes alpha," I panted.

I could feel his dominance ripple outward. Then my hair was caught up in his fist. He was sliding out of me and bringing me to my knees. I opened my mouth instinctively and took him deep, tasting my slick all over him. He fucked my throat with the same care he showed my pussy before spilling on my tongue. Warm, salty with the aftertaste of his peppermint chocolate scent. I licked him clean, making sure to be as thorough as possible.

"Up, Hazel."

Ben was still holding onto my hair. One sharp tug and my neck was exposed to him. I felt like a sheep putting my head in the mouth of a lion. He bit down lightly on my throat and held himself there. Nowhere near enough to break skin or leave a trace. Just enough pressure to make my omega uncontrollably feral for his alpha.

Bite me, mark me, claim me.

His fingers plunged into me. Blinding pleasure as he worked that sensitive, trembling spot inside me with a vengeance. I came with a harsh, ragged sob and nearly drew blood from his shoulder with my nails.

He was kissing, licking and scent marking me as the shabby ceiling of the bathroom rematerialised before my eyes. He was always like this after. Intent on blending the two of us until it was undeniable I was his.

"Was that too—"

"It was exactly what I needed."

Juno looked ill when we returned and I slid back in the booth next to her. It was extremely obvious to anyone with a nose what we'd done. I glanced at Ben's hair, looking like he'd stuck a fork in an electrical socket.

Ok, maybe eyes too.

Whatever. It wasn't like Ari hadn't been sneaking what he thought were stealthy gropes of Juno's ass all night.

"You could do so much better, Hazel," Juno said, sounding nauseated. "Just take your two other goobers and run."

But her eyes said otherwise. Please don't hurt him.

"Nah." I caught Ben watching me from across the table. "He's one of my goobers too."

The possessive glint in his eyes flared and I felt the ghost of his teeth on my neck.