Chapter 20

CHAPTER20

“Mama?” Katherine was so nervous that she wanted her mother to get straight to the point. “What are they saying about us?”

“Rumor is that you are unable to bear any children, Katherine,” Prudence said, her lip curling slightly as if she were committing some horrible sin by uttering those words.

Katherine gasped. She looked over at Gerald, who had fallen silent, but his shoulders tensed.

“How did the ton come up with such a rumor?” Katherine asked, her voice quavering slightly. “That’s an awful thing to say about someone they barely know.”

“They’re also insinuating that you have been a disappointment during your time at Powell Manor,” Prudence added, her voice growing more and more high pitched.

“That preposterous,” Gerald spat, his tone ominous.

“According to the rumor, you’re barren because of your… accident,” Prudence said, whispering the last word as if it were some source of great shame.

“Why would my having a limp equate to infertility?” Katherine frowned, deeply hurt by the notion. “People are far too curious, and if they are unable to spread an existing rumor, they start a new one!”

Tears welled up in her eyes, making her vision blurry. She refused to blink, not wanting them to spill over.

“That might just be the most absurd thing I have ever heard in my entire life,” Gerald snapped as he stood up. His entire body was stiff, and Katherine noticed the veins in his forehead start to bulge, as they did every time he was angry. “And I grew up with Simon!”

If it were any other instance, Katherine might have found Gerald’s words comical.

“If I find whoever had started this absurd rumor, I promise I will make them regret the day they were born,” Gerald hissed, his fists clenched at his sides.

Prudence looked at him, slightly concerned.

Katherine averted her gaze. She couldn’t even express her fury if she had wanted to. She was deeply hurt by the fact that people would talk about her like this. That despite her efforts, they continue to see her as a disabled girl with no capabilities.

“People have no respect for privacy in this society! And if a couple dares keep to themselves, they spread rumors about them!” Gerald continued to yell, but the words flew right over Katherine’s head.

She was unable to hear a thing, unable to even process her thoughts.

“I think it best if I go,” Prudence murmured, her eyes fixed on Gerald warily.

Gerald turned to her quickly, briefly composing himself. “Thank you, My Lady,” he said, his breaths slightly erratic, “for informing us about the matter. I would be sure to attend to it swiftly.”

Katherine listened as Gerald walked her mother to the front door while she continued to sit lifelessly in her chair, staring at the very same corner.

She had barely felt her eyes burning due to a lack of blinking, only making the effort the moment Gerald had crouched down in front of her.

“May I escort you to your quarters, Katherine?” he asked in a gentle voice.

It was so noticeably different from his fit of rage that his tone had brought her to her senses for a brief moment.

Katherine looked up at him, her tears spilling over the second she blinked. She nodded at him wordlessly.

The pair slowly ascended the stairs, their hearts heavy. As soon as they were in her room, she dropped onto the edge of her bed. Gerald stood hovering above her for a moment, unmoving and looking down at her.

Before he could speak, Katherine let out a wail of despair. More tears streamed down her cheeks, which she wiped at continuously.

Her vision had been blurred so much by her tears that she started when she felt arms wrap around her tightly. She hastily wiped her tears, meeting Gerald’s gaze.

She started to melt into him, the boundaries of where she started and he ended having vanished. She felt close to him, and ever so safe. Her head started to slowly lower into the crook of his neck, but just before she fully relaxed into him, she jerked up.

“No,” Katherine murmured, pulling away from him. She sniffled slightly, using the back of her hand to wipe any residue her tears might have left. “No, no, no.”

“What is the matter?” Gerald asked, his arms remaining in the same position, inviting her to fall back into them.

Though Katherine found it deeply tempting, she stopped herself from doing so.

“No, Your Grace,” she said once more, her voice pitched higher. “Don’t give me hope of a relationship I will never have with you. Don’t give me any hope of love, when you can’t love me.”

Gerald looked at her for a while, and for a split second, Katherine thought that he might stand up and leave. Leave her there on the bed with several more questions than she already had.

“Katherine,” he began in a voice so gentle that it brought her entire world to a standstill. It was such an unusual tone for him, yet her heart melted just at the mere mention of her name.

“Katherine,” he said once more, his gaze piercing through her soul. “I have already started to fall in love with you.”

Katherine felt her heart skip a beat, or perhaps several. For a moment, she thought that her heart had stopped beating altogether. Just an empty space in her chest.

“Gerald,” Katherine whispered, her eyes unblinking and her body as still as a statue. “What do you mean?”

“I have already started to fall for you Katherine,” Gerald confessed, looking down at his feet as if he were profoundly disappointed in himself. “But I cannot be your husband in every sense of the word.”

“Gerald, I don’t understand why you cannot,” Katherine protested. “And I refuse to listen to any more of your babbling unless you give me a proper explanation.”

“Do you want the truth? The real and honest truth about who I am?” Gerald asked.

The question left her stunned for a moment, if not the slightest bit fearful due to the look on his face. She finally found herself faced with the opportunity of getting to know the real him, but she couldn’t help but feel afraid of what he might say.

“Do you want to know who Gerald Chambers truly is?” Gerald asked once more in a somber tone.

“Yes,” Katherine said, at last, her voice unwavering. She had to know what held him back from giving in to love. “I have all the time in the world, Your Grace.”

“My father was an extremely busy man,” Gerald started, his gaze holding hers. “He had always taken his duties very seriously, to the point where I might say he had completely started to overwork himself. He had no time to spare—I doubt he ever had enough sleep.”

A short pause followed, in which Katherine held her breath. She continued to stare up at him, his eyes having grown softer during the short pause. He appeared to be reminiscing on something or someone.

“Yet, whenever he had some free time, he always spent it with us,” Gerald continued with a small smile. Katherine couldn’t tell if he had been attempting to disguise it. “With Simon and I, I mean.”

She nodded, a small indication that he had her full attention.

“He was a kind, caring man. Just a busy one, unfortunately. Simon and I were mainly raised by our mother, the only person we had seen often enough to form the slightest of bonds with. Simon much more than I.”

Gerald shook his hand, waving his hand as he tried to gather his thoughts.

“But that is beside the point. What I intend to get across is the fact that Simon is much more like my mother, and she has always been much fonder of him. Whereas one might consider me as a copy of my father—both in appearance and behavior,” Gerald said, his tone growing distant. Distance that Katherine wasn’t seeking at the moment.

“Just as in the portraits,” she commented.

“Indeed.” Gerald nodded, but he didn’t appear too proud of the fact. “My mother saw me as the perfect copy of her neglectful husband, so I kept to myself from an early age.”

He paused for a moment, deep in thought. He looked at Katherine questioningly, making her think that she might have done something wrong.

“You are aware of my father’s passing, correct?” he asked. “I am aware, Gerald,” she responded, a bit taken aback by the odd question.

“A more proper question would be if you are aware of how my father passed,” Gerald said after noticing the confusion on her face.

“Not entirely, no, Your Grace. I have been unsure if it was proper enough to ask. I kept the question to myself mostly,” Katherine shrugged.

Her body tensed up as she awaited a terrible revelation, yet she listened patiently.

Gerald’s shoulders slumped. Katherine knew that he must’ve gotten trapped in some dark thought that he had buried in the back of his mind, but out of the ashes it had crawled, ready to leave his mouth.

“When I was nineteen, fresh and naïve, my father had taken me on a hunting party. He had mainly planned the entire break in order to speak with me about my future duties as the Duke, but it meant a lot to me despite his intentions. We spent the day talking about the estate and my future ducal duties. Steps that I continue to follow to this day. He had intended for me to become the prime leader of the Powell family.”

“I am sure he would be so proud if he saw how seriously you’re take your duties,” Katherine said, a bit bitter at the fact that he might have been taking his title a little too seriously. At least now he had provided her some context as to why he preferred to immerse himself in his work.

Gerald nodded, visibly saddened by her statement. She wanted to tell him that she had intended it as a compliment, but she bit her tongue so he would continue his tale.

“We spent a fair amount walking during the hunt, but then…” Gerald trailed off.

He stared off into the distance, his eyes focused on nothing and everything simultaneously. He appeared to be deeply dreading his next words, having to take a deep breath in order to contain his arising emotions.

“The rifle shot a random bullet, hitting my father in the back of his neck.” Gerald sighed.

He lowered his head, his locks hiding his face. Katherine was unsure of his exact state of mind. She dreaded to know if what she thought had happened was true.

“It was the rifle I was holding. The rifle that shot the bullet that led to my father’s passing.” He exhaled so loudly as he finished. Yet, a slight tension left his shoulders all the same.

“Gerald,” Katherine mumbled, a bit overwhelmed by the revelation.

“There is no need to speak, Katherine,” Gerald said as he looked back up at her. His eyes were red-rimmed, making her wonder if perhaps he had been crying silently. “It is a memory that haunts me every waking moment. An instance that had turned my entire family against me. Neither Simon nor my mother had ever been able to see me as completely innocent, still unsure if it had all been an accident.”

“It had been an accident, right?” Katherine asked. “I mean that in the kindest way possible.”

“Of course!” Gerald exclaimed, slightly offended that she, too, would question him on the matter. “I had no reason to kill him. Well, I suppose the inheritance might be seen as a motive, but I was a nineteen-year-old with few dreams and aspirations. I was not prepared to take on the position as of yet, but I had to. I had to because I had my father’s blood on my hands. I had my entire life to step into the position of the Duke, and I wanted it no earlier than necessary.”

Katherine nodded at him, reaching for his hands. He flinched slightly at her soft touch, but then he relaxed beneath her grip.

“It was not your fault,” Katherine said softly, wishing there was a way she could plant the words directly in his mind so he would always believe them. “It was an accident no one could have prevented.”

“If I had not swung the rifle in my hand, it could have just hit the ground, and my father might still have been alive,” Gerald said, his voice barely audible. “And perhaps I might have acted on my feelings toward you. But none of that is true, and unfortunately, I cannot give you the love you deserve, no matter how much I would like to.”

Katherine frowned in confusion. “I still don’t understand why not,” she said, her voice soft.

He had explained so much yet so little, and she found herself with far more questions than answers.

“I have not only hurt my father, Katherine. The moment that bullet left my rifle, I had injured not just him but myself, my mother, my brother, and so many more. I had hurt everyone that I loved. And if I am to love you, the same fate will befall us,” Gerald whispered in a broken voice.

“I am a dangerous man, and I cannot allow you to convince me otherwise. I was the one who saw my father drop to his feet, his face terrified as his life left his body…”

Katherine fell silent for a while. She was unsure of what she wanted to say exactly, as too many thoughts went roiling in her mind.

“Am I your father, your mother, or perhaps your brother?” Katherine asked softly, yet there was a stern edge to her voice.

Gerald shook his head.

“Exactly, Gerald!” she exclaimed. “I am not them, and a terrible accident like that could have happened to anyone. Even myself. You are not a dangerous man, but you were a hurt nineteen-year-old with no one to turn to. And though you have grown up, you can still turn to me. I can give you the love you deserve.”

“No, Katherine,” Gerald said sharply, knocking her back into silence. “You’re an astounding person, and I cannot dare to hurt you!”

He rose from the bed, giving her one last look before walking out the door.

“Enjoy your evening, Duchess,” he uttered, before closing the door behind him.