25. Alana

TWENTY-FIVE

Alana

" T hey are coming?" I am staring down at the courtyard. From here, I swear I can still see the remnants of the elf's blood staining the cobblestones.

Her body was removed sometime in the night.

I try to think about the elves, locked away in the dungeon the way we were when we first arrived here. I try to make myself feel sorry for them, but it is as if something in my heart has turned to ice.

Where there was too much feeling and too much hurt, and so many years of betrayal after betrayal, there is now nothing but a soothing coolness that spreads from my chest, down my arms, to my stomach.

Even moving feels easier, as if I've somehow become lighter overnight. I woke expecting to feel the oppressive thrum of guilt between my ribs. Instead, I feel powerful.

Eldrion sips his whisky and watches me. The way he watches me is changing. He seems curious, impressed, but also a little nervous. Perhaps because he suddenly feels like he cannot predict what I will do next.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" he asks.

I shake my head, and enjoy the sensation of my hair falling down my bare back. I am naked in front of him – done with the pretence of wearing robes to seem coy. We have fucked too many times for that now.

"What is there to talk about?"

"You took a life, Alana. And I assume it was the first."

I turn slowly and observe Eldrion's expression change. He looks down into his drink, and a sigh makes his fading wings shudder a little.

"The first is always the most difficult."

"It wasn't difficult." I sit down in his armchair and cross one leg over the other.

He quirks an eyebrow at me. "Alana, you can't just turn off your feelings."

I frown at him, search my body for emotion, and then tilt my head. "Except, maybe I can. Maybe that has been my power all along. The ability to switch off my emotions so I can do what needs to be done." I uncross my legs, deliberately giving him a view between them, before crossing them again. "You have tried over the years, and you've done a good job of it. But perhaps you didn't go far enough. Perhaps that was the problem."

"Alana..." He stalks across the room and stands in front of me, arms folded. "Don't get me wrong, this version of you? It's hot as hell. Watching you step into your power is something I will never tire of. But I know you. You are your feelings, and they don't just disappear at the click of your fingers."

"You're wrong."

"You're protecting yourself. You're shutting down because it's all too painful."

"Does it matter?" I snap, my words clipped and sharp. I look up at him, eyes flashing, magic blooming in my upturned palms. "Does it really matter? If it saves us, does it matter if I lose myself a little on the way?"

"Yes," he says, nudging my knee with his own. "Because right now I'm not sure what we're trying to save, are you?"

I frown at him. Something soft and uncomfortable is forming in my chest. I bite down on it until it solidifies and darkens. Slate, now. Not butter or honey or something easily pliable.

"We are trying to save the kingdom from Finn and his army."

Eldrion nods slowly. "Yes," he says, looking me up and down, his eyes lingering on my nipples. "That is what we are trying to do."

"In which case," I flutter my eyelashes at him, "why are we still discussing one dead elf?"

I watch as Eldrion grits his teeth, then leans forward and kisses me. His hand settles between my legs. "I'm not sure," he says. "I'm really not sure."

I sigh and lean back, but then I remember what we were discussing and I grab his hand, stopping the sensation of overwhelming pleasure from growing any more intense. "Are they coming to the castle tonight?"

He takes back his hand and stands up. "They're coming."

"All of them?"

"I summoned every Sunborne in the city. They are all coming."

I exhale loudly. "Good, because I don't know how much time we have." I reach up and take his whisky glass, drinking down a large sip and, this time, enjoying the burn in my throat.

I close my eyes, and a flash of Elodie's face, and her throat, and the cobblestones enters my head. I push it away and push down the softness.

"Alana..." Eldrion sees it. I know he does.

I stand and push past him. "I'm going to get dressed, then we should summon the guards. I assume you have some kind of defence plans for the castle? But most of these guards are new. You lost a lot of your old ones when they left with Finn and the other Shadowkind. You should?—"

He strides over to me and takes my elbow roughly, pinching it between his thumb and forefinger. "I like seeing you taking control," he says. "But remember, this is still my city, Alana. My people. My kingdom. You are not in charge here."

I shake my head, a wry laugh making my shoulders stiffen. Of course. He has been doing nothing more than humouring me. Letting me play war games, and enjoying the torment I'm suffering for trying to help him.

He has distracted me with the feelings he coaxes from my body, but when it comes down to it, he is no different from the rest.

He does not respect me, or admire me, or believe I am truly capable of anything.

He sees me as a weak-willed female, unravelling in front of him.

He wants me to give in to my emotions because then I will not be able to step into the strength that's inside me. He will regret underestimating me.

"I apologise," I say tightly. "I got carried away."

Eldrion's brow creases suspiciously. He puts his hand on my hip and tugs me a little closer. "Don't apologise," he says. "Just remember I'm the one making decisions." His grip tightens. "And don't kill anyone again without my permission."

As his lips crash into mine, and my body comes alive under his touch, that word burrows into my psyche.

Permission?

Oh, hell, no.

I don't need his permission. He has no magic. He needs me if he ever wants a chance of seeing his magic again.

I will show him exactly what I'm capable of. And he will be sorry. They will all be sorry.

When the Sunborne begin to filter in through the archway into the courtyard, I watch them cross the place where I took Elodie's life, and I try to feel anything but a sense of rigid determination about what I'm going to do next.

Their feet gently meet the ground where she lay, and where her blood drained from her lifeless body.

And I feel nothing.

They all look so regal. Glittering, gossamer wings. Long, flowing robes, and an air of serene contentment – the kind of contentment that comes with knowing you are one of the most powerful beings in the kingdom.

My magic flickers in my hands.

I think I am starting to understand what that feels like. After tonight, I will know for sure. And no one will ever be able to tell me again that I am nothing or that I would be better off dead.

I will not need to rely on anyone but myself. I will save them, and they will be grateful.

Behind me, the door opens and closes softly. Briony is looking at me differently from the way she did a few days ago. Seeing me end Elodie's life changed something in our friendship, but she will see it was for the best. I'll make her see that.

"They're arriving," she says, bowing into a small curtsey the way she does for Eldrion.

"You don't need to talk to me like that." I turn around and stride over to her, wrapping my arms tightly around her smaller frame and hugging her closely.

She is stiff and awkward in my arms, and a flash of irritation burns beneath my skin. When I step back from her, I know my cheeks are flushed.

"Something is the matter?"

Briony looks away from me and shakes her head. Her dark hair falls down over her shoulders. She's not wearing her old uniform, but a pair of riding pants and a tunic. Leather boots, as if she's preparing to leave at any moment.

"Briony?" I speak her name a little more roughly than I intended to.

She looks up, moistening her lips by pressing them together. "I'm worried about you, Alana." She wrings her hands together in front of her stomach.

I have never seen her as weak before, but in this moment, I am starting to, and it draws a sense of deep irritation from deep inside me.

"You do not need to worry about me."

"I haven't seen you like this before. The Alana I know would never..." She hesitates, meeting my eyes as if she's searching for something. "You would never have..."

I meet her gaze with stony indifference. "You are trying to persuade me to feel guilty for what I did."

"I'm not trying to persuade you, Alana. I am trying to understand why you don't. How you could have so quickly changed into..." She gestures to me, and shakes her head again.

"Into what?"

"Him." She holds my gaze. I don't know if she's talking about Eldrion or Finn or both. It doesn't really matter which; she is wrong. And she has proved she doesn't know me at all.

"The reason I don't feel guilty, Briony, is because I have no more guilt left to feel." I pace away from her back towards the window. The Sunborne are gone now, inside the castle, and the sun is setting. "I've spent a lifetime feeling guilt, and pain, and sorrow. I have hated myself for so long, I don't remember whether I ever saw myself as anything but wrong or broken."

"I am so sorry you felt that way." Briony hurries over to me and puts her hand on my arm. I feel a flash of warmth towards her, and the soft part of me that keeps trying to make me pay attention to it whispers, trust her, lean into her, let her comfort you .

"Your people treated you badly. Maura's words hurt you." She moves in front of me and looks up into my eyes. "I know she spoke to you the night before you hurt Elodie."

She can't even say the word killed.

"I heard what she said. I was with Raine in her room, and I listened from the shadows. She is awful, and the things she said were awful. But you are not what she said you were. You have done nothing wrong, Alana."

"I killed someone." I speak with a firm, matter-of-fact tone, even though tears are clamouring at the back of my throat now. "I killed someone, Briony." My voice turns to a whisper.

I blink back tears. Her hand strokes my arm.

I tug out of her grasp and stride over to Eldrion's armchair. Sitting down, I tilt back my head and close my eyes.

I cannot do this. If I let in the grief, and the fear, I will not be able to do what needs to be done.

"Alana, please." Briony kneels in front of me. She places her hands on my knees. "Come back to me." She smiles, and everything inside me wants to trust her.

But how can I?

The only person I can trust now is myself.

"Can we talk more tonight?" I ask her, trying to bring softness to my tone.

Briony nods and squeezes my knee. "Of course," she says. "I am here whenever you need me." She stands and reaches out to stroke my hair. "I'm your friend, Alana. We have been through too much to stop trusting each other now."

I lean into her touch. It feels like my mother's used to. But she betrayed me too – by leaving me in a world that hated me without the tools to fight back.

"Thank you." I take Briony's hand and squeeze it. "I couldn't do this without you. I really couldn't."

"You'll dress for dinner and come to join us?" she asks, gesturing to the gown Eldrion had someone hang up for me by the fireplace.

It is long, and silver, and perfect.

"I'll be down in a moment."

At the door, Briony stops and smiles at me over her shoulder. "It's going to be okay, Alana. With the power of the Sunborne behind us, Finn doesn't stand a chance."

She disappears through the doorway, and I walk over to the dress. I trail my index finger over its silky fabric. "He really doesn't," I whisper. "He really doesn't."