15. Alana

FIFTEEN

Alana

I can't sleep. It's impossible, and I don't know how anyone else can be sleeping either.

I have expected Eldrion to come and knock on my door. If not him, then Kayan. I thought he might have returned by now with news of Finn.

But he hasn't.

I am alone, as I was so many nights when I first arrived here.

Staring at my surroundings, it all seems so long ago now. And the woman who sat by the fireplace and allowed a jester to tend to her wounds seems like a different person. Someone I don't recognise.

What would she think of what I've become?

I pace up and down, simply unable to rest. It feels as though we are wasting time, and yet my body aches with the need to rest.

I look out of the window at the moonlit rooftops of Luminael, visible beyond the citadel and the water that surrounds it. Above, obscured now by night, Finn's storm clouds still glare down at us. Watching. Promising something more, something darker, something we cannot stop.

I want to believe we can.

But deep down, it all feels futile. Afterall, I've seen it happen. So has Eldrion, and so far everything we saw has come to pass.

Despite everything, all of our actions simply led us straight to the outcome we were trying to prevent. We created Finn. We allowed him to become what he is now. If we had ignored the visions and done nothing, what then?

If Eldrion had never bought me at auction and dragged me here, or if he had never charged Finn with tracking me down, or if, or if, or if...

I let out a frustrated cry and slam my fist into the wall. It hurts. I am not as strong as Eldrion or as able to let the impact bounce straight off me. I rub my knuckles and glance at the door. Briony has not appeared either, and that makes me worried.

I thought she would come to update me on Raine and the baby. Of course, I care for Pen too. But the baby... I just can't stand the thought of anything happening to that baby.

From the beginning, it was a beacon of hope.

Watching her belly grow more rounded, and hearing her talk about her wishes and dreams for the tiny creature that had not yet made it into the world, gave us all something to cling on to.

If there was any doubt in my mind about what Finn has become, I only need to picture him standing over a pregnant, injured fae, and choosing to leave her and her baby to die. And then I remember he is lost to me.

Even Eldrion would not do that.

Would he?

I stride to the wardrobe and grab a long, thick shawl. I wrap it around myself to guard against the chill of the night, and leave my room.

It still feels so strange to be able to do that, and as I walk the halls of the castle, I expect to be stopped at any moment by a guard and dragged back kicking and screaming.

Instead, they look straight past me as if I am not really there at all.

Clearly, Eldrion has instructed them to leave me alone.

Noticing the tattered wings of a guard standing at the foot of the staircase that leads to Eldrion's chambers, I wonder why he is still here. Why are any of the Shadowkind still here? Surely, they sense that Eldrion's power has weakened?

Are they here out of loyalty? Or fear?

I hesitate at the base of the stairs. Thinking of him up there alone, everything in my body tells me to move towards him. But I ignore it.

I tear myself away from the promise of his touch and continue towards the healing quarters. In all truth, I do not know why Eldrion has such quarters in his castle. From what Briony told me when I first arrived, he was very reluctant to allow any of his servants or guards medical care even if they needed it.

That was precisely why Finn tended my wounds, and why Briony introduced me to him.

For a horrific moment, I find myself wondering – not for the first time today – whether I am still able to trust Briony. Everything in my heart wants to believe she is the friend she says she is. But what if I am wrong? I was wrong about Finn. What if she is a spy in our midst? What if she was part of his game all along?

When I reach Raine's hospital room, I shake the thoughts of Briony and her friendship from my head. I trust her. I have to. Because without her, I truly have no one.

I tap gently, but before I can push the door open, Maura appears.

Just the sight of her sends guilt and shame to the surface of my skin, enraging my cheeks until they blush furiously.

I sigh heavily and hang my head. Without making eye contact, I mutter, "Please. I just want to know how the baby is."

There is a long pause, and then Maura steps into the hallway, closing the door behind her. "The baby lives, and so does Raine."

Relief floods my chest. "And Pen?"

"He will live, also."

I step back, bracing myself against the wall behind me. For the first time in days, I smile. A true, happy smile.

"Good news, isn't it?" Maura says.

When I look up, she is watching me carefully.

"Of course," I reply.

"It could have gone differently."

"I know."

Maura frowns, looking down at her hands. She has clasped them together in front of her stomach. When she looks back at me, her voice is a little softer. "Will you walk with me, Alana? I feel we need to talk."

Even though I know it is ridiculous, my heart lightens at the sound of her words. Less venomous, more maternal. "I'd like that," I tell her sincerely.

Side by side, quietly, we walk away from the healer's wing. We stop at a large open archway that looks out onto the castle courtyard. Cool air drifts in, kissing our faces.

Maura places one hand on the stone frame and exhales heavily. She doesn't turn to face me, just keeps looking out at the stillness in front of us. "I have an apology to make to you, Alana."

Again, my heart flutters.

"I have handled this badly. From when you were young, I got it wrong."

"Thank you," I breathe. "Thank you for saying that."

She does not react to my words, just carries on speaking. "I always knew what you were. I was there the night you were born, and I was there when the Lady of Luminael told your mother what she had done to you when you were still just a babe in the womb."

"You knew?"

Maura nods slowly.

"You should have told me."

"Yes," she says. "I should have told you, and I should never have spoken up for you when the rest of the village wanted you to leave."

I frown, trying to understand what she's saying because it sounds like an apology, but it also sounds like she's telling me she should have allowed me to be banished from the village.

This time, she does turn to me. "I should have explained it to you, and given you the chance to do the right thing."

"The right thing?"

"I should have given you the chance to end your own life and spare us all the misery you have brought upon us."

"Maura..." I step back, physically wounded by her words. "None of this is my fault." I am stuttering, barely able to speak because I'm afraid I will start to cry.

"It is all your fault," she sighs. And somehow, the lack of anger, and the amount of pure resignation in her words is what hurts the most.

"I . . ."

"You are no longer one of us." Maura stands firm and tall, her wings curling out sideways. "There are only three Leafborne fae remaining in this world. Four, once the baby is born."

"But . . ."

"You are not one of us," she repeats. "You are nothing to us, and we are nothing to you. As soon as Raine and Pen are fit to leave this place, we will be leaving."

"But where will you go? Finn is still?—"

"His fight is not with us. We will go somewhere we can be safe. Somewhere far away from you and your twisted games."

"I am not playing games. I did not do this!" Hurt turns to rage and flares on my skin in flickers of purple light.

The smoke is back. It drifts towards Maura's feet but she simply steps through it, turning her back on me.

"Maura... please," I call after her, but she does not look back. "Maura?" She still does not turn back. "Don't leave me alone. Please."

She disappears into the darkness at the end of the corridor. I hear Raine's bedroom door open, and close, and silence descends.

"Please . . ."

I storm into Eldrion's chambers without knocking. They are dark. There is no fire in the grate. Purple light still crackles on my skin, illuminating the walls in an eerie hue as I pass through the room I have stood in so many times before.

As if he was expecting me, he is sitting up in bed, a sheet across his waist, leaning forward onto his thighs. He looks up as I enter, and I storm towards him.

Dropping to my knees, I tug the sheet away from him, but he catches my hand and stops me. Holding my wrist, he stands slowly, towering above me, then makes me take his place on the bed.

"Open your legs," he commands, nudging my knee roughly with his own.

I do as he says, and he lifts my skirt.

I drop my shawl and lean back on my hands, spreading my thighs for him as he settles between them. Gently, he pushes my underwear to the side.

I expect his movements to be fast and hard and frantic like they have been so many times before, but this time, they are different.

He draws his tongue along my folds as if he has all the time in the world to make me come. A sigh parts my lips, followed by a small gasp of pleasure as he starts to suck my clit, pressing down on my stomach with the flat of his palm, grabbing my hip with his other hand.

As he touches and licks and sucks, I struggle to push the thoughts away that are racing in my mind. He stops. I look down at him, and he rises slowly.

"Your mind is elsewhere," he says, not in an accusatory tone, but with a strange level of affection that I would never have expected to hear.

"I need you to help me forget," I murmur.

Eldrion stares at me, then nods. He crosses the room, and returns with a band of silk he has pulled from his robe. He binds it around my eyes, taking away my sight. Then he pushes me down onto the bed, moving my body with ease, as if I weigh nothing at all, and settles between my legs.

Having my sight purposefully taken away is different from simply closing my eyes. It removes something; some element of control.

And this time, when he uses his tongue to tease my core, I am able to feel it. All of it. Every exquisite moment of it.

I wind my fingers into his hair and tilt my pelvis up, grinding into his mouth as my pleasure builds. Roughly, he pushes my legs back, exposing me even more. He holds them in place, and groans with approval at the sight of me.

"You taste so good, Alana," he mutters as he starts to suck again. More hungry this time, more desperate, as if he is trying to devour every morsel of my arousal.

I cry out and reach back to grab hold of the headboard.

And he does not stop. He keeps on teasing, and coaxing, and expertly manoeuvring my orgasm through my aching body until it settles exactly where it is supposed to be and starts to build. My legs tremble, my toes curl, and my cries turn into shuddering breaths.

I become completely silent, giving in to every simpering whisper of pleasure as it zips down my spine and makes my entire body convulse.

As my orgasm fades, I tug the blindfold from my face.

Eldrion looks up at me, and smiles.

It is more of a smirk, and it makes me want to slap him. But even as I want to push him away, I find myself reaching for him and pulling him up towards me.

He does not ask me to touch him or seem like he expects it. Instead, he positions himself behind me. I move away, but he wraps his arms around my waist and tugs me towards him. For a moment, I feel the burning need to get up and run. But then he kisses my shoulder, and yawns, and it feels so painfully normal and right and good that I yawn too.

I nudge backwards, and hold on to his arms as he curls around me.

I do not remember falling asleep. But I remember I felt the safest I had ever felt. And I remember feeling too tired to be guilty for it.