Epilogue

Ben O’Cleary

By the time we made it back to Ma’s old place at four in the morning, Alvin was nonverbal and refused to let me go.

I held him to me as we walked up the stairs, and I dug my keys out.

“Don’t feel bad even for a second, son.” I pressed a kiss to the side of his head. “We’ll get there. Remember what Rose said—baby steps. And you’ve taken so many baby steps this year.”

He nodded jerkily but said nothing.

Honestly, at this point, I was sure he was mostly angry. He loved his room at our place, but his mind just wasn’t ready to spend the whole night there.

Trace and I had learned his new signs. When he got huffy and frustrated around midnight, his determination to stay was battling against old fears and anxiety. He wanted to move now. He spent every day with us. He had new routines he loved. More fucking fish. More social interactions. Then when darkness fell…

I unlocked the door and let him enter first.

The apartment was almost empty. We kept the couch in the living room. Most of the time, Alvin didn’t mind sleeping here alone. I’d hesitated about two months ago when Ma had moved permanently, and Alvin had been the one to remind me that he was actually nineteen. So fine. But when I worked nights and was on call anyway, I didn’t mind staying out here with him. Like tonight.

I’d cleared it with my boss, so it was all good.

Alvin wordlessly got ready for bed, and I promised I’d stay close.

Tonight wasn’t one of those nights he could be alone. He’d had a pretty bad anxiety attack toward the end, though we suspected that had more to do with our upcoming road trip to Florida.

Too many new things at once naturally came with a setback or two. We were prepared for that.

While Alvin brushed his teeth, I texted Trace.

Youre probably asleep but I wanted to say we made it. Ill see you in a few hours. Love you.

My shift was over in two hours, and I didn’t foresee anyone calling. Most calls came in between midnight and three AM.

I yawned and went into Alvin’s room. He didn’t have much left here either, except his bed and his computer.

I flicked on the light on his nightstand and folded down the covers. Then I cracked open the window. It was hot in here.

To my surprise, my phone vibrated with a message. Trace wasn’t asleep after all.

Good to hear. Make sure he doesn’t feel bad! And maybe tell him I accidentally treated myself to retail therapy after u left. I ordered him another one of those notebooks he likes to log data in. He can bring it on the trip. Love you too!

Fucking hell, Ma was right. I had to ask him to marry me.

Trace and I had discussed it briefly, and neither of us cared much about the whole hoopla that came with it. Weddings and expensive shit like that. But if I’d read him correctly, he wouldn’t mind the marriage part and wearing a ring.

I was exactly the same.

Alvin shuffled into his room, and he’d changed into sweats and a tee.

“Get some sleep, small fry,” I murmured. “I’ll stay on the couch, and then we can get breakfast on the way back home when you wake up.”

He nodded once and snuck into bed. “It’s just dumb,” he croaked. “I hate this stupid room now.”

I smiled sympathetically and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“I wanna be with my aquariums and stuff.” He fidgeted with the corner of his pillowcase. “Also, Trace is so funny in the mornings. I miss that when I’m out here.”

I chuckled quietly and mustered a mock scowl. “You think he’s funny because he’s messing with me.”

He snickered tiredly and shrugged. “He’s right, though. You’re very cranky when you wake up.”

Whatever. I just needed coffee first. Nothing wrong with that.

“I’m sure he’ll fuck with me other times too,” I said. “Get some sleep. Only four more days, and then we’re off to see the ocean. And Chip and CJ, you like them.” Although, it might be more the other way around. Chip and CJ viewed Alvin as the older, quirky cousin who knew a lot about chemistry and how to make firecrackers.

He grinned nervously. “I can’t wait to bring my shell box.”

Yeah, that’d been a great birthday present from Trace and me. We’d bought him one of those boxes for fishing lures. He was gonna use it to collect seashells.

“I’m sure you’ll fill it in no time.” I stood up and kissed his forehead quickly. “Love you, kid.”

“Love you. Goodnight!”

“Night.” I walked out and glanced over my shoulder before I closed the door.

No matter what, I counted my blessings. He might get overwhelmed easily, but this year had given him way more energy to bounce back. I had to focus on that.

* * *

“Ma, will you listen?” I asked, frustrated.

“Will you stop treating me like a child?” she retorted. “I know how the lift works, and I know who to call if it doesn’t.”

“That’s the point,” I replied. “I don’t want you to call this building’s maintenance service. I want you to call a coworker of mine.” I handed her the business card.

Granted, our landlord had paid for the new lift for the stairs, since Ma couldn’t walk up and down easily anymore, but I had been the one who’d installed it. I’d chosen the damn thing because it was the same model we installed in other buildings all over the city.

“If the lift doesn’t work, call that number,” I told her.

“Okay, okay, fine. May I go back to bed now?” Woman got snippy. “I don’t like standing out here naked!”

Naked? Christ. She was wearing a nightgown that fit a whole fucking family.

“And Alvin and Trace call me cranky in the morning,” I deadpanned.

She just shook her fist at me and headed back into the apartment.

Meanwhile, Trace and Alvin were standing in the doorway to the kitchen, failing not to laugh.

It’d been a long fucking night. First, I’d picked up Alvin in Elmwood Park at four in the morning. Then we’d come back here to fill up the truck for the road trip, and now I was getting shit for looking out for my ma while we were away. She claimed she was looking forward to some peace and quiet, but I knew deep down, she was going to miss me every damn second.

Or something.

“Didn’t we say goodbye to her yesterday?” Alvin chuckled.

“And leave her a note with everything she could possibly need,” Trace pointed out. “Petey and Julie are ready to help out too, you know.”

Yeah, I knew. I was just…whatever.

“Fine. Are we good to go?” I asked stiffly.

Shit, I needed to calm my tits.

Perhaps I was nervous. To the point where I had sat in on Alvin’s therapy session yesterday. It was just a lot. We had almost three weeks of vacation planned out, but not a damn thing would take place if Alvin decided he couldn’t do it.

In addition, I had two gold rings burning a hole in my wallet and zero plans for how to actually pop the question. I mean, it wasn’t just us visiting Trace’s folks. Sarah and Chris were flying down with their two, and that was an explosive family gathering in the making. Primarily because of their kids. Chip was wild all on his own, but Chris’s son, CJ, was much the same. And they were the same age. They liked to raise hell. Last but not least, Trace and Sarah. The way they were at each other sometimes…

“I think Dad needs coffee,” Alvin whispered to Trace.

“I think he needs to sleep.” Trace snorted softly. “Baby, go down to the truck. Alvin and I will bring the last of it. We’re just waiting for the coffee and his cocoa.”

“I’m getting my own thermos,” Alvin said smugly.

I took a breath and did my best to unclench. Thermos, great. Rings, great. Family gathering, great.

* * *

To make the trip as short as possible, Trace and I had decided to drive in shifts.

Rose had given us a pro-tip that we applied to the journey as well. Her intention had been for us to use it at home; as in, encourage Alvin to take naps at home to get him used to waking up there. This time, we were using the advice so that Alvin could stay up all night. He was on board. Being awake helped him with new surroundings. So for the first eight hours of the drive, he tried to sleep as much as possible. He took a sleep aid and everything. We kept his anxiety meds close at all times.

Outside of Nashville, we stopped for dinner. Alvin was curious but wary, and we didn’t wanna push it, so we didn’t eat in the diner. Instead, we ordered takeout and parked at the far corner of a Target parking lot. That way, he could sit in the truck and eat in peace, and Trace and I could stretch our legs.

“It’s already too hot,” Trace said around a mouthful of burger. “The sticky South.”

I grinned and threw a few fries into my mouth. He liked to bitch about the weather, something he had in common with his old man.

“And the fuckin’ bugs!” He swatted away a fly.

He was so goddamn cute.

I picked up my own burger from the hood of the truck.

One of these days, I’d like for us to have our own car. Trace and I hadn’t traveled much in our lives, and we both liked to drive. If this went well with Alvin, I could picture us driving all over the country.

The farthest Trace had traveled was South Florida, New York, and Vancouver. I’d been to Seattle, Denver, and Las Vegas. Other than that, we hadn’t left the Midwest, not counting a few trips to Toronto.

“Oh shit, I forgot to tell you,” Trace said. “I heard back from the landlord.”

I raised a brow. He definitely had my attention.

He waved his burger at me. “He agrees to your proposal. He’ll take two hundred bucks off our rent.”

Fuck me, that was incredible. Win-win for all parties. We paid less rent, and I ran the maintenance, including the bar and the attic space. It was mostly the bar that needed said maintenance, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle.

“We’ll set up a contract when we get home,” he finished.

“That’s great. Fuck, I’m relieved.” Two hundred bucks every month? And once we finally gave up Ma’s old place, we’d be downright comfortable.

Unbelievable.

“You got that dazed look on your face again.” He grinned softly.

Yeah, well. Christ. Who could blame me?

He came over to me and kissed me. “I love you.”

An overwhelming rush of peace and joy swept over me, and I squeezed him to me. “I love you too.” More than I could ever put into words.

* * *

We had two hours left on our journey when Alvin agreed to take his medication. He was so anxious, not to mention torn, because he was far away from everything he knew so well…and only two hours away from the shoreline he’d dreamed of seeing since he was a kid.

We stopped at a gas station so he could get comfortable. We’d brought his comforter and pillows for this very reason. The stops were a good way to stall for time too, because at this point, we’d arrive when it was still dark.

“And here are your headphones, bud.” I helped him put them on while Trace got gas.

Alvin handed me his glasses.

I fucking hated seeing my boy this way, even though I knew it would be worth it in the end.

He was trembling, unable to relax fully, which exhausted him and gave him headaches.

He shifted the headphones slightly so he could hear. “We’ll go s-straight to the beach?” he stammered.

I nodded. “I promise. Trace said that earlier too. We might even call Kell and Teresa and have them meet us by the water so we can stay there all day.”

Trace peered over the door. “When you wake up, you’ll see water everywhere.”

Alvin choked out a soft snicker and got tearful at the same time. “I want that.” Tears trickled down, and he grinned, despite the anxiety. “I’m gonna see the ocean, Dad.”

Christ, stab me in the fucking heart—if he got mushy, I got mushy.

“Damn right. We’re so close now.” I cupped his cheek and brushed away a tear. “Just try to get some rest first, okay?”

He whimpered and nodded. “I’m gonna see the ocean.”

Goddammit. Now I had to wipe my own fucking cheek.

Pull it together, man.

I leaned in farther and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Sleep first, then the ocean. I’ll see you on the other side, small fry.”

He sniffled and nodded again, then readjusted his headphones. I pulled the covers up to his chin, and he screwed his eyes shut. I knew he was going to do his exercises where he tensed up every muscle in his body, then slowly tried to relax. It was the best way for him to fight off the sharper edges of the anxiety.

I closed the door carefully, and I blew out a long breath.

Then I turned around and— “Trace?” Why was he heading into the store? We had everything. We’d bought coffee not too long ago, and we had Gatorade and chips.

“I’ll be right back!” he hollered. His voice sounded strange, a little thicker than normal. “I’m gonna buy more sunscreen ’cause we’re staying on that damn beach until he’s overdosed on water.”

I exhaled a laugh and scrubbed a hand over my face.

What the fuck had I done to deserve that man?

* * *

Trace and I both exhaled heavily when I killed the engine.

We’d made it.

He’d directed us to the most perfect beach, way off the beaten tourist path.

The sun was going to rise within the hour, and until then, I wanted Alvin to sleep.

Those meds knocked him out cold, which would’ve been great if that was all they did. But he was going to be drowsy most of today, and that was why he didn’t like taking them.

It was a tricky balance. Lower the dosage and sleep restlessly with chest pains zinging and zapping through him, or…keep it the way it was, get some proper rest, and be tired as fuck the following day.

And still, they beat all the other meds he’d tried over the years. Especially those that gave him stomach problems.

“Say I wanted half an hour with you,” Trace said quietly. “You think he’ll wake up?”

“Not a chance.” A half hour sounded great to me, but we could do better. “Let’s take a whole hour.”

There wasn’t much for Alvin to see now anyway. It was too dark.

“Good, ’cause I bought us something. Grab our coffee.” Trace smirked a little and climbed out of the truck, so I followed suit, and we shut the doors as silently as we could.

The first thing that hit me wasn’t the humidity, but the smell of the ocean.

I drew a deep breath and felt some tension leaving my shoulders.

We’d fucking made it. We were in Florida. Maybe some fifty feet from the ocean.

Trace motioned for me to follow him, and I noticed he had a semi-see-through plastic bag from the most recent stop at another gas station.

Glancing around us, I made the call it was safe to leave the truck—and Alvin—behind for a moment. I knew he wasn’t going to wake up, and the area was dead. A single streetlamp illuminated half the gravel parking lot, and that was that.

We trailed over a sandbank, and then I saw the ocean for myself. The moon poked out from the cloud cover, turning the beach sand a pale blue shade.

“I don’t know why I did it,” he said. “The mood struck, I guess.” He dug out a few items from the bag, and I chuckled. A pack of smokes, a lighter, and two Snickers bars. “A new tradition,” he decided. “Only when we’re on vacation, and we only buy one pack.”

I shifted our cups to one hand and put an arm around his shoulders. “That sounds like a great tradition.”

We didn’t walk much farther. I sat down right there in the sand, and I patted the spot between my legs.

He smiled and sat down where I wanted him, and then he lit up our cigarettes.

After he handed me one, he grabbed his coffee and held it up.

I thumped it with mine.

“To our first of many vacations,” he murmured.

“First of many.”

Fuck, I couldn’t have asked for a better moment to relax my brain.

I took a swig of my coffee. I took a slow drag from the smoke…

Trace coughed.

I grinned and dipped down to kiss his neck. “Okay, so tell me how these weeks are gonna play out. You and Sarah mentioned something about games, and that terrifies me a bit, knowing you two.”

He snorted softly. “You sound like Chris.”

Well, Chris and I had talked. He was a fair bit older than Sarah, he worked in construction, and we’d discovered we actually had some old friends in common. So we had to stick together. We needed a good, supportive, brothers-in-law type of relationship to put up with two competitive Kaleckis. And here I was, thinking I had been competitive—but those two? Fucking hell.

“We’re gonna play football and volleyball here on the beach,” Trace said. “There’s a barbecue area around here somewhere too.”

I hummed and exhaled some smoke.

Football, huh? That might pose a problem if I wanted to keep my own competitive streak on a leash.

“Honestly, I think we’ll be out here every day,” he went on. “Alvin’s obviously gonna need a daily dose, and Chip and CJ have been talking about Florida all fucking summer.”

True enough.

Trace took a drag and leaned back against my chest. “It’s gonna be a lot different from the trips I’ve taken down here so far. At most, I’ve had Chip to mess around with, but he was too young back then.”

That wasn’t the case anymore. It felt so motherfucking good to have a big family, and this one knocked my old one out of the park. That shit didn’t even compare. Angie and I had grown up with Catholic guilt and drama.

“I hope we can find a day to sneak out for a date too.” Trace glanced back at me. “A quick dinner, at least?”

“Of course we will. You promised the best shrimp po’ boys I’d ever have, so naturally, I have budgeted for that.” I furrowed my brow. “Alvin likes your family, and he has his new tablet. He’ll manage.” Much to our amusement, Alvin really fucking liked Trace’s dad. And it was mutual. The two played cards together, and it was a game for Alvin to see if he could catch Kell cheating.

“I know, but I don’t wanna assume,” Trace replied.

“Hm.”

“Oh, here we go. You’re gonna give me a spiel.”

I grinned. I couldn’t help it.

“Jackass,” I said instead.

“Jagoff.”

I kissed his temple. I was his jagoff.

And…now was the time. It was right now. I wasn’t sure I’d get a better occasion, and I wasn’t even nervous. This was happening.

I trapped my smoke at the corner of my mouth, set down my coffee in the sand, and dug out my wallet.

“What’re you doing? My backrest is moving too much.”

“I’m tryna propose to you. Be nice.”

“Huh?” He leaned forward and looked back at me, visibly confused.

I pinched the rings and held them up. “You wanna be my jackass for life and marry me, Trace?”

A breath gusted out of him, and he dropped the smoke in the sand. Then a big grin lit up his eyes. “Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.” Okay, I could admit I felt my stomach tightening with unease now. He was gonna say yes, right?

“Fuck yeah, I’ll fucking marry you.”

He yanked the smoke from my lips, and I was lucky it hadn’t gotten stuck, ’cause that shit stung. Then he threw himself at me, and I let the relief crash down on me. Thank God. I hugged him to me tightly and closed my eyes.

“Now I can get Ma off my case too,” he groaned with his own relief. “She’s been hounding me to pop the question, but I wasn’t sure you were on board yet. I was gonna dig while we were down here.”

I chuckled and got the ring on his finger. He was quick to put the other on my finger too.

“Fucking perfect,” he whispered. He snuck in and kissed me quickly, too quickly. “I wanna get hitched at Wrigley.”

The fuck.

“Gimme my ring back,” I told him.

He shook his head, smiling like only my jackass could, and brushed our noses together. “It’s gonna be great.”

“Not even if we were billionaires would I get married there.”

He unleashed his humor, and we laughed into the next kiss that thankfully lasted much longer. God, how I fucking loved this man.

* * *

I didn’t know who was more nervous, Ben or me.

I stayed back as he woke up Alvin, and I bit on my thumbnail. Only to catch a glimpse of my ring. Fuck me sideways. It was never coming off.

We’d have the best goddamn reception; I was sure of it. For the ceremony, I bet we’d hit the courthouse with a few witnesses, but the party afterward? It was gonna be lit.

“I’m tired, Dad,” I heard Alvin complain.

“I know, small fry, but I think you wanna see this. We’re at the ocean, and the sun is coming up.”

That caused a reaction. Alvin stiffened a little and cracked his eyes open as much as he could. His eyelids looked heavy.

“We’re here?”

I smiled.

“I can smell it!” The kid sat up straighter and blinked, as if trying to shake the cobwebs of sleep. “It smells so salty!” He accepted his glasses from Ben and put them on.

“Come see for yourself.” Ben eased out of the truck and extended a hand.

Alvin wasn’t interested in the hand. He scrambled out on his own, eyes growing larger and larger.

“Morning, bud.” I gestured at the path between two sandbanks. “Right this way.”

“Oh my God,” Alvin breathed. Then he took off in a sprint. “Is it deep?”

“No, it’s very shallow in this area,” I said, following.

Ben did the same, and we ran after.

Damn, the kid was fast. We only caught up because Alvin stopped to kick off his shoes before he was on the move again. Running, pulling up his sweats as he went, and tugging off his socks.

“Look at all those sandbanks and tide pools!” he called.

He slowed down as he reached the water’s edge, and with the first baby wave rolling in over his feet, he grew confident enough to stride out there. And it was the most precious fucking sight. Ben and I came to a stop, and we just watched him.

Alvin turned out to be the sweetest giggler. He bent down and touched the water, and he kicked at it a little.

“It’s so warm!”

Sure, compared to Lake Michigan.

I’d wait for the sun to heat up the depths before I joined him.

Ben threaded our fingers together, and I squeezed his hand, knowing I’d never been this happy before. I lost my fucking words, and a Kalecki never lost his words.

“I’m gonna explore every tide pool,” Alvin swore. “Dad, the sand is so soft.”

I grinned and glanced up at my man. “It’s gonna be hell to get him to leave every day.”

He chuckled wryly. “I was just thinking the same thing. Good thing we’re coming back.”

Yeah. At this rate, even I was going to be a Florida fan soon, and that was scary.

I inhaled deeply and looked out over the horizon as the sun climbed higher and higher, painting the sky in pinks, purples, and oranges.

“I’m in the ocean, I’m in the ocean,” Alvin snickered happily.

He was too damn sweet, literally trying to caress the water, his hand ghosting along the surface.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, so I pulled it out to see a response from Ma.

Okay, good! We will be there with breakfast at eight. Tell Ben we’ll bring Ziggy! Can’t wait to see you, sweetie. Kisses!

I smiled and showed Ben the screen.

He smiled too, and he pulled me close and kissed the side of my head.

It was gonna be an awesome vacation.

* * *