Chapter 3

Chapter Three

KARMEN

Ihave become one of them.

Staring out the window at the rain, I let out a yawn. There isn't much else to do around here except lie on the couch and people watch. Although this place is better than boarding school. The food isn't as good, but at least I'm not the weird girl anymore. Okay, so I'm not the only weird girl.

There's also Dr. Rourk. At this point, I'm living my days waiting for my next appointment with him. Sometimes he comes up to check in on everyone. That's when I pretend he does it to see me. I'm always thinking of ways to work him up. It's only fair. The man wreaks havoc on my body, and I don't know how else to deal with it.

I press my thighs together as I think about him touching me. The throb that never quite goes away sparks back to life. No matter what I do, it won't stop. Desire is a new feeling for me. I've heard other girls back at school talk about being horny and having sex. Several of them even sneaked out to visit the all-boys academy next to us, but I never went. Not that I was ever invited to go with them.

Listening to their stories made it sound gross. I didn't want to have someone on top of me. But now things are different. Now I'm imagining Dr. Rourk crawling on top of me, rutting away, and groaning in my ear. It's yummy in ways I don't understand.

I've been touching myself, but I don't know if I'm doing it right. I think I'm getting close because the buildup is there, I just can't get over the edge. Somehow I know there's only one person who can show me how to do it, but he won't touch me.

I huff out a frustrated breath. No one wants me. Well, except for the guy I stabbed with a pencil, but surely he doesn't want me anymore.

"Where is it?" I roll over onto my stomach to see Nora losing it. "Georgia, where did you put it?"

My newish sort-of-not-really-friend Window Licker, who I'm now calling Win, puts a hand over his mouth as he tries to hide his giant smile. His body shakes with laughter, and I bite the inside of my cheek to hide my own. He glances over at me and points his thumb at Nora, like I don't see what is happening. I place my finger over my mouth to remind him that it's our secret.

Win and I are over Nora and her best friends Georgia and Miranda bossing people around. When someone doesn't do what she says, she'll lose her mind and scream until we all give in. We usually do it so she'll shut up.

I reach into my pocket and touch the missing puzzle piece to make sure it's still there.

"I know one of you has it." Nora points at one of the empty chairs, ready to fight her imaginary friends.

"I told you Miranda was up to no good," I say and prop my head up with my hands. My legs are swinging back and forth behind me, and I can't say I'm not enjoying the show.

"You shut it, stupid girl." Now she's pointing her finger at me. She's always waving it around, and it reminds me that Nora is a bully. At least messing with her can be entertaining.

"Karmen, you've got a call," Nurse Olivia says from the nurses' station.

"I do?" I spring to my feet in surprise. Since I've been here, I haven't gotten a single phone call or visit.

Neither of my parents bothered with reaching out when I was away at school. So maybe this is no different to them. They never showed up to events that would be hosted there either. I used to think it was a punishment for not pursuing ballet more. It wasn't that I didn't want to; I just didn't want it on everyone else's terms. Plus, I kind of love food and that sort of thing was frowned upon.

I skip over to the nurses' station and pluck the phone from Olivia's hand. I'm certain it's my mother and not my father calling. They have been divorced for over a decade now, so my father may not even know I'm here. My father is more likely to forget me than to be disappointed in my actions, and I'm honestly not sure which is worse.

"Thanks," I say, and she taps her watch.

"Five minutes."

I stick out my tongue, and Oliva shakes her head, but before she turns away I see she's hiding a smile.

"Yo," I say into the phone, bouncing on my heels. I'm way too excited about a phone call. Part of my excitement might be because I know that Dr. Rourk will be here soon.

"Karmen." My mother says my name like it exhausts her to speak it. Great. This is off to a fantastic start. I stop bouncing and lean against the nurses' station. "You told me you would try."

That's not what I said.

"I said I would try not to stab anyone with a pencil, and I haven't." She clearly took my words out of context, but my mother always hears what she wants to. She certainly wasn't interested in finding out why I stabbed him to begin with. No one did, and I didn't bother trying to explain it. It didn't matter. They would have called me a liar, and this would have been the end result anyway. It was best I kept my mouth shut.

"I spoke to Bellevue today." I grip the phone tighter in my hand. "You're not doing the things you're supposed to be doing."

I stay quiet, waiting for her to elaborate. I don't think my behavior has been that terrible here. At least not the stuff that anyone knows about. It's only Dr. Rourk that I play with. Did he tell on me? A sense of betrayal fills me, and I don't know why. He doesn't owe me any loyalty, and I think he hates that I turn him on.

Is it so terrible that I have a crush on him? I've never had one before, but even I know that you're not supposed to fuck your doctor.

"Karmen, are you listening to me?" She sighs loudly. "I can't deal with this anymore."

"I'm sorry," I mutter.

My mother isn't the best, but I still get disappointed in myself when I can't live up to her expectations. I never seem to live up to anyone's. There's always something about me that people want to change. I'm never good enough as I am. It's like I'm not even the last to be picked. I'm not picked at all.

"I've heard that too many times. When they finally release you, you'll have to find somewhere else to stay. I can't do this, and Todd will?—"

"Who's Todd?" It's a stupid question. My mom always has someone new. It's not hard for her to snag a man. She's beautiful in that perfect classic way. When she was younger, she was a model and dancer. Everything about her life has always been picture-perfect. Except me.

"It doesn't matter. I moved in with him, and I'm done dealing with all of this. I can't do it anymore." She lets out another exasperated sigh. It sounds like it's painful for her to have this conversation, and I know it's not because she cares about me or my feelings. She doesn't want to deal with me. It's not as though she ever really has. She sent me to boarding school the second I was old enough.

"Mom, I?—"

"I have to go," she says, cutting me off. "You'll have to figure this out on your own now. You're an adult now. Start acting like it." The line clicks before I can try to respond again.

When I release the phone, Dr. Rourk comes walking through the double doors. For the first time I'm not excited to see him. He ratted me out to my mother. Who else could it have been?

His eyes find mine, but I quickly look away before rushing to my room. I need to be alone. Guess it's something I should start getting used to.