Chapter Sixteen

Kage

K age had slept like shit for the past week but, to his utter shock, it wasn't his recurring nightmare that had kept him awake.

No, it was his fucking drop and the argument with Finley that replayed in his head, over and over. For six years, he'd been scrupulously good at keeping his emotional distance from subs. He'd set that boundary and not once had he ever dreamt of crossing it—not until the day Finley strode into the club.

As soon as Kage clapped eyes on the big redhead with the bulging muscles, adorable freckles, and sad smile, he'd been doomed to break his self-imposed rules.

And lo-and-behold, Finley kneeled like he'd been born to submit.

Kage's heart had stood no chance. What the hell was he going to do? Finley deserved someone reliable outside a scene. Not a messed-up, damaged Dom whose entire life revolved around the scene. The more Kage pondered his problem, the more he realised this was the one time where he wasn't going to have complete control. He shouldn't make all the decisions here—Finley's heart was far too invested in this for it not to be heard. And if Kage was going to be completely honest with himself, he wanted nothing more than to listen to what it had to say.

First, to make sure he was doing the right thing, he needed a second opinion from someone who knew the object of his obsession. His finger hovered over Latif's name on the screen of his phone, but he remembered it was his weekend with the girls. He clicked the name below it instead.

"Kage?" Mat sounded groggy. "You okay?"

Shit. What time was it in Barbados now? Buttcrack of dawn probably.

"Yeah. I just need to talk. It's about Finley."

"Whoa. I'm awake now. Is Finley okay?" Mat cleared his throat, and a rustle followed as if he was sitting up. "I swear someone will have their arms and legs broken."

"It's me. That would be me." Kage bit his lip in amusement.

He had many reasons to confide in Mat, even if he wasn't sure if his friend would be able to help him. To say that partying with Mat during their uni days had been an adventure would be an understatement. Between the orgies at his uncle's mansion and testing the kink waters at The Golden Handcuffs, Kage had seen Mat's adventurous side. Mat may have been wild, but he was also loyal to a fault, always keeping an eye on his cousin back when, and willing to pull strings whenever anyone from his inner circle was in trouble. His protectiveness extended to his husband, Peyton, and friends too, Finley amongst them.

"You? What did you do to him?"

No point beating around the bush. He needed an opinion. "I had a drop when we had sex."

"During a scene?"

"In my private room."

Mat whistled low. "Fuck, mate. That's rough. Tell me what happened. Oh shit, I woke up Peyton. One sec." The background noise became muffled, as if Mat had dropped his phone into the bedsheets, but his tone was affectionate even if Kage couldn't hear the words. Peyton's voice joined his, and a giggle followed. They were disgustingly in love. Was that in Kage's grasp with Finley? Mornings together, breakfasts, kisses, sex whenever they felt like it? It all sounded like an impossible dream.

Yet Mat lived it.

"I'll eat that! The pancake and your ass!" Mat's voice became clearer, then he spoke to the phone. "Sorry, I'm back now. So you said you had a scene before and it went great despite him being a newbie at this but fuck me, Kage, you're really into him, aren't you?"

"It's complicated."

"Uh huh I bet it is. Tell me about the drop." Mat knew about Kage's accident, he'd visited him in hospital back then. He may have an idea of what Finley had gone through as well since they spent months working together at the distillery.

Kage relayed his panic and reaction to it, saving Mat the details as much as was possible to still give context.

Mat listened patiently, then sighed. "Okay, it's complicated, but not impossible to deal with. Finley's very understanding, but you need to tell him what happened. Also, you two must be pure fire. I mean, he's not my type, but when I first saw him, I was considering leaning towards hot lumberjack territory."

"Did you make a move?"

"Nah. Even with my dick desperate for attention on the island, I was set on Peyton only." The dreamy quality in Mat's tone filled Kage with envy. "Listen, I talked to Lucy the other day, and she said that Finley smiles much more often than when he first started. I don't know what you did, but if you can make that man happy, he fucking deserves it."

"I'm not sure if I can." Kage massaged his thigh where a cramp was forming from his pacing the room. "What can I give him if I couldn't even fuck him?"

"Kage, don't be a chickenshit." Mat used his no-nonsense tone. "You have brass balls and now it's time to fight for what you want. The important thing."

"Finley?"

"No, dumbass. Your happiness."

"Is that how you talked to your congregation? I bet they loved you."

"Fuck off. And they did, thank you very much."

Kage snorted a laugh. "You've always been a bossy little shit. No wonder you made a good priest."

"Mmhmm. And you're changing the subject. Tell me, what does your heart do when he looks at you? When he's kneeling in front of you with trust in his eyes."

"I think it's more than trust. And that's what scares me. I need order and rules. I need to know what's waiting for me. With Finley, it's all so uncertain. Sure, he may even agree to sign a contract. But that would protect his body. Not my heart."

"Coward."

"What?"

"You heard me," Mat said.

"I can't commit."

"So you say. I was there when you left the hospital after the accident and I know what Rohan's death did to you. Also, if the contract makes you feel better, then sign it, but you're both adults, you can agree on shit without a piece of paper. Well okay, Peyton and I got married, so there's that, but you catch my drift."

"Sure, rub it in. So what? I should just get over it?"

"Of course not. Fuck knows, I wouldn't, but are you really that scared to take a chance on him? He's a good guy."

"I know." Kage sighed. "He should find someone stable, maybe older."

"Is the great Master Kage in doubt?" Mat sniggered.

"You're such an asshole, Mat."

"Yup. And I survived an absolute mindfuck only thanks to Peyton. And he taught me to say what's on my mind to prevent me from spiralling into a bad headspace. So, if you want my advice—"

"I don't."

"Then get your head out of your ass and tell Finley how you feel. That you want to wake up next to him and kiss his nape first thing in the morning."

Kage sputtered. "How the fuck would you know that?"

Mat's chuckle at the other end of the connection was infectious, making Kage smile. " Jezu Chryste, Peyton, what the hell are you doing? I'll get—"

The line went dead, and Kage shook his head in amusement.

Okay. He needed a plan.

Head out of ass. Tell Finley how he felt. Pursue Finley even at the risk of a broken heart. He had to try, whatever might happen.

It had been a day of analysing every conversation Kage had with Finley to date, and at least two jerking off sessions as a result. He had to keep his head straight and his dick in his pants to tackle being open and honest with Finley about his past and therefore, reasons for his behaviour.

Now, at quarter to eight, Kage entered the bookstore and took the escalator to the top floor where the café was located. He ordered two teas and sat in the seventies-style dark orange chair. Crossing his legs at the ankle, he gazed through the floor to ceiling window overlooking the street below. Finley was walking towards the building, and the setting sun played on the harsh features of his face. It created the view of a warrior angel—one that could tempt him to taste the fruit of his devotion, even if it meant he may spiral into hell soon after.

A server brought the tea a moment before Finley approached the table.

Calm and honest. You can do this.

"I ordered you tea. It's still hot." Kage indicated the chair opposite him then turned to Finley.

Kage's breath caught every time he saw Finley, and he wanted to shoot to his feet and pull him into his arms to feel his heart beat against his chest, to smell his musk.

Finley looked like a lumberjack who'd just taken a shower. His thick thighs trapped in tight jeans could crush watermelons for ThirstTok, and the work boots and casual flannel look added to his "I can fix your table or break your hole" vibe. Except he preferred to bottom.

His fiery hair was windswept back, complementing the dusting of sexy ginger stubble on his face. He looked good enough to eat. Ass or cock. Anything. Kage could make a buffet out of him.

Finley took a seat and pulled the saucer with his cup closer. "Thank you." His shoulders were straight and his expression far from defeated.

He wasn't here to fight. At least not with Kage but maybe for him. For us.

Kage inhaled sharply as a realisation slapped him in the face. Was it possible they were on the same page? Hopefully so. Because he could never, ever go back to the way his life was before Finley.

A gaze full of hope and resolve landed on Kage.

"I acted like an idiot after our last scene and I'm sorry," Finley said. "I didn't realise where we stood. Before you say anything, I need to know if you're building a wall between us. Or rather strengthening the one you put up at the start. I only want to know what to expect." He flicked the tiny sachet of sugar to the side.

So you wouldn't get hurt.

Fuck, he called their last sex a scene. Finley was slipping through his fingers, trickling like sand. Soon there would be nothing left and he'd be gone for good. Not in the same form. If Kage couldn't be honest and bare his soul tonight, he might lose him forever.

"That's understandable." Kage cleared his throat. His entire planned speech went out the window and now he was processing what to say to keep Finley in his life.

"I can't keep wondering if you hate me or—" Finley swallowed. "I'm fine with just sex, or friendship. But please don't give me the illusion there might be something more and then shut me out."

"Wait, wait…" Kage felt sick. His stomach was flip-flopping, and his head became heavy as if he'd caught a terrible cold within seconds. Finley's negative thinking was as bad as his own.

Here we go.

"I wasn't alone in the car during the accident." Kage watched Finley freeze. Was he even breathing? "My boyfriend…my Dom was driving. He didn't make it."

Finley released a choked sound and reached over the table. Kage placed his hand in the big, calloused palm of the man who sucked all his nightmares and dreams to the surface. Now, it was time to show them to Finley and let him decide if he wanted to assist Kage in wading through them to make sense of his life.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know—"

"I keep it to myself on purpose. My job is to fulfil people's fantasies. My clients can't know I'm just a shell. But you—" Kage took a sip of his tea, relishing the burn going down his throat.

"I'm here." Finley squeezed Kage's hand, propping his elbow on the table, ready to listen.

I don't deserve you, Finley.

"By the time I woke up after the surgeries, it was a week after Rohan's funeral." He bled out while trying to wake me up and pull me out of the car. If only I hadn't distracted him. "I was dealing with my injury and with him being… gone." Kage looked through the window, at people rushing through the street to tackle their own problems, unaware that Kage was opening a wound that had never truly closed. "Being on pain meds didn't help what was happening in my head." He'd been consumed by fog and pain both physical and mental, unable to surmount either.

"That was eight years ago. After two years of surgeries and rehab, I joined the Handcuffs as a Dom in training, then a full-fledged Dom. I finally found the outlet for my physical needs at the club, even if it was in a new way. But I miss him every day; his friendship, his advice, and just him." He looked at Finley, and the expression of openness, not pity, filled him with hope. "This is going to sound fucked up, but when you came to the stage, I knew from your posture and behaviour that you were new to the scene, yet eager. The way you submitted that day, gave away control, and followed instructions was beautiful. You know what was the first thing I thought? That Rohan would have adored you as a sub." He released a dry laugh to cover the lump forming in his throat. "And the more I got to know you, I realised he would like you and me together. I don't need his approval—he couldn't give it anyway—but that thought pulled me to you even more during our scene." And that's why I had to kiss you.

Finley nodded, his eyes glassy and full of understanding. "How did you meet?"

Kage breathed in relief at Finley's reaction. "At uni in London. It was my first year of business and he wanted to be a doctor. But you can say we bonded over human anatomy." He smiled at the memory of evenings studying together and nights spent fucking. "He was open about his interest in the scene from the start and I was intrigued. So we played a little at home, before coming to the club so we could both learn more. I was a bratty sub, always challenging him and keeping him on his toes. We grew into the scene as a unit, following instructions from the friends we made at the club. I learnt most of what I know with him back then."

"That's why you're so good at it. You know how it feels to want to submit." Finley said it as if he connected pieces to something that had been haunting him.

"Maybe. I feel a sub's needs." Kage touched his necklace, feeling the padlock under his fingertips, remembering the pull into submission that had dissipated over time. "That's why my forms are so detailed. I need to know the tiny important bits to see the scene from a sub's point of view before I start planning." He watched Finley's brow crease in thought, then he opened his mouth as if to ask a question, only to close it. "No, I've never submitted to anyone after…him. And I still don't want to. That part of my life is closed."

"Submission is behind you, but how about the rest?" Finley asked, his expression serious, his hand pointing to his chest.

"I'm still working through it."

"Alone."

"Yes. But so are you." Kage wrapped Finley's large hand in both of his. "I came here to say something completely opposite but if you'd be willing… I'd like to work through it without losing you." His throat hurt from the volume of emotions he was holding in. It had been a stupid idea to meet in public.

"And you won't push me away the first moment you feel uncomfortable?" Finley narrowed his eyes.

"I promise."

Finley sighed. "I believe you, goddammit."

"I set boundaries so tall, I didn't see you sneaking past them. No one did that for eight years."

"We can remain like this, if you prefer." Finley waved a hand between them as if that explained anything.

"Spending quality time together and fucking?"

"Yeah." Finley hid his face behind his teacup.

"That's still dating."

"That's even better."

The padlock necklace burned his chest and Kage scratched where it lay against his skin. "I'm a broken man, Finley. In more ways than one."

"So am I."

"And you think we could work as a couple?"

Finley nodded. "You understand me. I've never had that before. Maybe it's different for you…"

Because I loved once?

That made it worse. Kage didn't want to nurse a shattered heart again. He wouldn't.

"Wake up, Finley. We're both fucked up. And two broken men won't make for a wholesome relationship."

Finley smirked and Kage's pulse sped up at the glint of mischief in his gaze. "Then let's be in a fucked up one. Depraved. Kinky. Insane."

Kage chuckled low. This man. Somehow he'd sneakily slithered under Kage's skin, setting cosy little fires around his heart. Now it looked like he set up camp and Kage didn't want him to leave.

"Let's go, then. They're closing soon." Kage stood up, took Finley's hand and walked them downstairs.

For the first time in years, he didn't have a plan.

Finley followed obediently, the warmth of his huge body accompanying Kage, filling him with comfort.

"Look," Finley said. "BDSM books in the self-help section." He picked up one and cracked it open. "Not even half as clear and comprehensive as your website." He put it back and ran a finger over the spines. "None of them are. I checked. Some are useful, but your articles showed me the details that a book about the general idea of fur-lined handcuffs in the bedroom wouldn't."

"It's my job to provide—"

"No, it's so much more and you know it. You want to share the knowledge you gathered so people can enjoy the lifestyle in safe ways, thanks to clear guidelines."

Damn him for seeing right through me. Kage had seen too many wannabe Doms, and he'd hate for any sub to fall for clear red flags. "Did you just interrupt me?"

Finley smirked, melting something in Kage's chest. "What are you going to do about it?"

Still holding Kage's hand, Finley pulled them into the romance section. He tapped the shelf. "Stories of romance and lust. I never thought my life could have that in it. But you give me hope."

"Fucking hell, Finley." Kage cupped his cheek. "You're so hard to resist."

Finley leaned close to whisper into Kage's ear. "Then don't."

He made it sound so easy. "But what are we?" Kage looked into Finley's green eyes, which seemed to sparkle in the overhead lights.

"Horny?" Finley grinned.

"Behave. This is a reputable bookstore." Kage said with exaggerated seriousness. Slowly, a smirk worked its way over his face. "have you ever had sex in a public library? The romance section's spines are smeared with decades of jizz."

"Shut up," Finley laughed. "Pervert."

"Me? Never."