Chapter 6

Amber

I have to admit, the next morning I do feel better. Waking up in my own bed in my own room helped, as did getting it all out in the open with Bri and my mom. We talked late into the night, but it was really good. I haven't had a talk like that with either of them in...well, probably since I started dating Adam, and that was over a year ago. My stomach twists at the thought of how much time I lost while I was dating him, but I've made myself promise to stop thinking about him. I roll out of bed and make my way over to my desk where I look at the list I made with Brielle and my mom last night. I've spent the last week and a half since I found out pretty much hiding from life. But I can't do that any longer. It's time for me to face the facts and grow up. I made these choices, and now I have to deal with the consequences. And that starts with scheduling a doctor's appointment first thing this morning. I'll have to do that in between classes, once the office opens for the day. I also have to stop by the office on campus today and make an appointment to speak to somebody about seeing if I can finish the second semester online. It's going to be difficult with having a baby, but I haven't come this far to not finish. This is my last year.

I started taking college classes in high school with dual enrollment, since I was homeschooled. In my junior and senior years, I was able to take classes online and count them towards my degree. It was one of the perks of being homeschooled, one of the few. But after mom's health declined so rapidly, I knew I had to stay home. My mom was diagnosed with a disease that's part of the MS family. Thankfully, it can be treated with medicine; but it took a while to diagnose her. There were a lot of hard days, and that's why I had to be home. There were so many days she couldn't get out of bed. Brielle was in her first year of college, and she was so happy. I didn't want to have her come home, though she offered. So instead, I pulled myself from school after my freshman year and figured out what I had to do to be homeschooled.

Once my mom was diagnosed, the medicine helped to stabilize her. She still has bad days, but she has more good days than bad. It was a rough few years for my mom and I, but we made it. There are still days when it hits especially hard, and my mom can't get out of bed. I take note of the fact that my mom's still sleeping and realize that today's going to be a rough one for her. She was probably awake all night. Otherwise, she'd be up by now. I head to the kitchen to put the teapot on, so there will be hot water for her when she gets out of bed. I set out her favorite tea bags and set out a loaf of bread for toast as well as butter and jelly. It's not much, but hopefully it will help make her morning easier. Satisfied that I did as much as I can, I grab a pack of peanut butter crackers and head out the door. I climb into Old Faithful, dubbed by Brielle. She gave me this car when Aiden got her a new one. It's not great, but it does the job of getting me back and forth to classes.

After I arrive and park, I stare out the windshield for a few minutes while I nibble on some of my crackers. Everything has changed. I feel my shame and guilt begin to rise, but I push it aside. What happened, happened. Now I need to make the best of things going forward. With that thought firmly planted in my mind, I step out of the car and grab my bag. My stomach feels queasy, and I'm glad I got those crackers down when I did.

My morning classes pass slowly, but I force myself to pay attention and push all my other pressures aside for now. After stopping by the office and setting up an appointment to deal with my second semester, I make my way to the library. As soon as I push open the heavy wooden door and step inside, I find a calm I haven't had for a while. The smell of books and old leather reaches my nose, as well as the lemon scent of the dusting wax Mrs. Randolph uses every single morning. Most universities have modern, state of the art libraries. Ours is the furthest thing from that, at least from the outside. The building is from the late 1800's and contains all the original woodwork. The college has spent a lot of money to keep it preserved. Part of what makes this library so special are the huge windows that line both sides of the library. Each window arches towards the ceiling, letting in tons of natural light. The best part? Each window has a window seat. Those window seats are coveted spots for those who know about them. I've spent many an hour curled up in one of those window seats, soaking in the sun and studying, or reading on a really good day.

"Good afternoon, Amber."

I smile at the eccentric woman. Sometimes, I think Mrs. Randolph is immortal. She's got white hair, yet she seems to be one of those people that just doesn't age. She always seems the same age, and I happen to know she's worked here a lot of years.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Randolph," I tell her as I drop my bag behind the counter.

"What's wrong?"

That's the other part that's unnerving. I've never been able to hide anything from this woman. Whether it's a toothache, a breakup, or simply my time of the month. She always seems to know. I try for a smile. "Just dealing with life."

"You mean with the fact that you're pregnant?" Her words aren't harsh; they're just lacking any sort of emotion.

I stare at her in shock and realize there's no use hiding it. "I don't know how you figure these things out."

"I have a sense about these kinds of things." Without another word, she goes back to polishing the front wooden desk that runs almost the length of the entire library. With its intricate carvings, the desk itself is one of the most beautiful features in the library. "Make sure you don't throw up on any of the books."

I resist the urge to laugh. "I'll do my best." She might be a little rough around the edges, but we work well together. Maybe I'm more like her than I realize. That's a slightly terrifying thought. After I clock in, I get to work checking in the books that were returned overnight. A sense of peace settles over me as I get to work. When I was little, I thought the library was the most magical place. I haven't changed my opinion all these years later. Now, it's become an escape for adult me as well. I love being in this library; it's a break from the real world. It's my safe place. It's the same for the books I read. I love books. All books. I love classics, romance novels, fantasy books, adventure stories, kids' chapter books, beautiful board books, poetry books...literally all of it. As a little girl, I was always maxing out my library card. The librarian hadn't even realized there was a limit until I reached it. I knew from a little girl that I wanted to work in a library one day. And that's what I'm doing. I'm getting my degree in library science. Whenever I tell people, I get one of two responses—a blank look or a condescending look. I'm used to it, and I couldn't care less. People think I'm old-fashioned or an old soul. I guess the second part is probably true, but there is so much that goes into a library science degree. And there's so much more to a library than just books. There's technology that's developing every single day that libraries use that's fascinating. Plus, the library is a cultural center, a place for the community to come together. We teach so many classes here on Saturday mornings from crochet to 3-D printing. There's always something new to learn. It keeps my over-active mind busy. I actually considered taking psychology classes for a brief moment because I love studying people, personalities, and why people do what they do. But I knew I could do all of that from the comfort of a library. I get the best of everything.

"Yo, Ambs."

I take a steadying breath before looking up. There are a few parts of my job that I could do without, but it is what it is. "What can I do for you, Cal?"

He grins, and I know he's going to have some asinine job for me to do. Cal is one of those people that just owns a room. He's got multiple piercings and jet-black hair that often has a color streak or two running through it, especially during football season. Every time he comes in here, he marches up to the desk with a special job for me. I swear he googles the most difficult books to find and puts a request in for me to find it. He comes in at least three times a week and always bothers me. It's days like today that I'm grateful for the large wooden desk between us. "I've got a book request." He's grinning like a Cheshire cat, so I know it's going to be a crazy one. But before he can tell me what it is, another voice joins in.

"Amber!" The thing about Cal? He never goes anywhere alone. He's like a pack animal, can't survive without his pack. Three more guys crowd around my desk.

"Hey, Guys," I manage.

"You coming to Cal's party tonight?" DJ, I think, asks.

"Nope." I don't bother giving them an explanation. They probably don't want to hear that I've sworn off parties forever after what happened at the last one I was at. Don't think about it, Amber.

" Aw, come on. It's my big one," Cal says, still grinning.

"Eighteen?" I ask with a saccharine sweet smile.

"Oooo." The guys rib him and elbow him.

"Twenty-one," Cal says in response. "I'm of legal age to drink now."

"As if that stopped you before!" The guys around him make a ruckus, and I bite my lip because I know what's coming.

"Boys, this is a library, not a dormitory," Mrs. Randolph says sternly.

There it is . Of course, a warning from an ancient librarian doesn't make them cower, though. Cal leans forward, getting into my personal space once again. "I heard a rumor."

I look up and meet his gaze head-on. It's the only way to deal with guys like him. "What?"

"That you're no longer dating." He leans even closer. "So, Ambs. I'm going to ask you again. Are you available to come to my party?" His voice is a low whisper, but I don't think it has anything to do with his fear of Mrs. Randolph. I think that he thinks this is somehow sexy.

It's not. " Nope."

"Oh, come on. You're single now."

His words are like acid in my stomach, but I somehow manage to keep my blank expression, I think. If he knew I was pregnant, he wouldn't even be talking to me. That thought hits me hard, and I almost lose my chill expression. I wonder if any guy will give me a chance ever again, or if I lost my chance. I mean who wants to date a woman carrying another man's baby? And who wants to date a mom...because that's what I'll be in like nine months. I suddenly feel like I'm going to throw up. I push my chair back. "I've got to go do something. I'll catch you guys later." Without looking back, I flee to the bathrooms at the back of the library. I barely get to the toilet before I unload what little I had in my stomach. After I wipe my face with a cold cloth, I lean forward and look into the mirror. "You just have to play the role of a carefree college student for four more months." I push my shoulders back. "I've got this." My alarm goes off for my reminder to call the doctor's office to make an appointment. "I've got this," I tell myself one more time before I make the call from the inside of a toilet stall.