Chapter 1

Amber

I storm out of the house as anger courses through me. I don't know that I've ever been this mad in my entire life. I get halfway down the sidewalk and remember I don't have a way to get home. My supposed ride is inside, acting like a fool. I turn back a moment, trying to decide what to do. One glance at the house, and my stomach turns. I know I will never be able to go back into that house ever again, not after what I saw tonight. Bile rises in my throat, and I try to fight against it but lose the battle. I throw up what little food I have in my stomach into the bushes. Not much comes out, but I can't stop dry heaving. I try to get myself to calm down, but it's not happening. My mind keeps playing the terrible scene over and over again, and I feel helpless to stop it.

"Amber? Are you okay?" A hand touches my elbow, and I yank it away.

"Don't touch me!" Rico puts his hands up and steps back. I get a good look at his face and shake my head. "You too?" I ask in surprise when I see the Green Thunder team captain come out of the house. "You guys look terrible."

"Thanks," Rico says with a grin that immediately turns to a wince.

"Yeah, I wouldn't do that—not with that busted lip." I shiver, not that it's cold out. It's only August. No, this has everything to do with my emotions.

"Come on. Let's get out of here before they decide to pick back up where we started," Rico says, motioning towards the driveway.

"They'd be idiots to do that," the captain grunts out.

I tune the two of them out as we walk. My head feels like it's full of cotton. What am I going to do? The question that has been pinging around in my head for the last twenty-four hours comes back to the forefront. Anger rises, swift and forceful, and I clench my fists. "Which car?" It comes out nastier than I intend for it to, but I can't force myself to feel anything but anger.

"I had to park down the street," Rico says. He looks at me. I can't see his face clearly in the dark. "Do you want me to come pick you up?"

"No. I'll walk."

He turns back and talks to the captain, and I start down the dark sidewalk. Normally, it would creep me out a little, but tonight, it doesn't even faze me. "Hey, Amber," Rico calls out behind me. "Wait up." I don't. If anything, I speed up. He catches up to me, but I keep walking. I don't even know which car is his; I figure he'll stop me when we get to it. "You okay?" he asks for like the third time tonight. I ignore him, just like I did the first time. He's a guy; he doesn't really care. "It's right here." His words stop me, and I wait for the doors to unlock before I climb into the front passenger seat. He stands outside my door a moment. I turn my head away, and he comes around to the driver's side. Without a word, he starts the car. Soft music plays on the radio, but I ignore it...just like I've ignored everything else. But after he starts the car, he doesn't even make a move to pull away from the curb, so I turn to look at him. "Where do I take you?" he asks in a soft, kind voice...entirely too kind.

I don't want kind; I can't handle kind tonight. I'd rather he be angry. Why isn't he angry? He had to come pick me up, he got in a fight, and now he has to take me home.

"Amber," he says, drawing my attention back to him. "Do you want me to take you to your house?"

That snaps me out of it. Fast. "No!"

"Okay," he says easily. "Do you have somewhere else you want to go?"

My brain scrambles, trying to come up with something. I think first of the library where I work, my place of solitude and peace. But it's obviously closed now.

"Amber?" He prods.

"I...I don't know. I just...I can't go home." My words are as broken as I feel right now.

"Okay, no worries." He sounds so at ease, and for a moment, I envy him.

What would it be like to have your life on track? To be living the life you want to live? My stomach clenches, and I feel like I'm going to be sick again. I put my head against the seat rest and close my eyes, willing the contents of my stomach to stay down. We ride in blissful silence, except for the soft sounds of the radio. If I could sleep, I think I would. His truck is so comfortable. I open my eyes sometime later when he stops. "Where are we?" I ask, blinking in the dark.

"My house," he says, turning towards me.

"No," I say quickly. "No, I can't go there." He doesn't say anything, and I don't look over at him. "I'm sorry." My words are soft. "I just...I can't..."

"Okay. I'll take you somewhere else."

I blink back tears and grit my teeth. I will not cry here in his truck, with this guy I barely know. Sure, I've seen Rico around here and there. He's one of Aiden's friends, and he's the goalie for the Green Thunder hockey team everybody in town's obsessed with. We were even in Brielle's and Aiden's wedding together, but I barely remember that day. That was not a good day for me. My stomach clenches, and I squeeze my eyes shut as the memories of that horrible day wash over me. It was only a little over a week ago, but it feels like a lifetime ago. The wedding itself was beautiful, and so was my sister. I blink back tears as I think back on that day. She was so happy, and I was so happy for her. Aiden was beaming; I don't think I've ever seen him smile so much. They're so obviously in love. A tear drips down my cheek, and I hurriedly wipe it away. I was happy that day, so very happy. And then everything changed. I squeeze my eyes shut and refuse to fall apart. Focus on something else, Amber. Anything else. I think about the waves on the beach. The turquoise of the water. The softness of the sand beneath my feet. The way Brielle looked when she walked down the aisle. The happiness on her's and Aiden's faces when they danced. How beautiful our mom looked. My mom. I put my hand over my stomach, certain that this is the time I'm going to throw up all over Rico's truck. My mouth waters. No. No, no, no. I look around frantically and spot my salvation. "Can you pull into that gas station, please? I need to use the bathroom really quickly." I barely get the words out. I swallow all the extra saliva in my mouth and pray I'll make it to the bathroom in time.

Rico pulls into the parking lot and parks. I'm out the door before the truck comes to a full stop. I think he calls my name, but I rush inside. I scan the cruddy interior, looking desperately for a bathroom. Bingo. I throw open the door and practically run into an unoccupied stall. I throw up and then dry heave over and over into the toilet, until I see stars. Take a breath, Amber, I tell myself. It takes me a few minutes to calm down. Finally, the worst of it subsides...for now, anyway. I'm not sure how long I hang over the toilet before I finally push myself to my feet. I feel like a dead woman walking, but I wash my hands and make my way out of the restroom. I buy a bottle of water with the few dollars I have in my pocket and take a long, cold drink. When I feel a little more calm, I head outside and over to Rico's truck. He's on the phone, leaning against his truck. I don't make eye contact as I walk past him and climb into the passenger side and close the door. He climbs in only moments later. I feel his gaze on me, but I keep my head turned towards the window.

Without a word, he pulls out of our parking spot. I don't know where he's driving, but I don't really care. I'm past caring about anything. I close my eyes and will my stomach to stay calm. Between the quietness of the cab and the lull of the drive, I find my eyes getting heavy. I haven't slept well in the last week, and I feel it catching up to me. I suddenly can't keep my eyes open another minute.

The next thing I know, a hand shakes me gently. "Amber."

My eyes pop open, and I jerk in the seat. "Sorry," I mumble.

"It's okay," he says quietly.

I look out the window and recognize Aiden's house. Well, I guess it's Brielle's house now too since they're married. I frown, but Rico's already climbing out of the truck. He opens my door a moment and puts out his hand, but I pretend not to see it as I hop down.

"I don't have a key," I tell him, still not looking at him.

"I know where it is." He walks towards the front porch, and I follow him on numb legs. Soon, he opens the door and flips on the lights. I walk past him, feeling a hundred years old. "Aiden said you know where the guest room is."

I nod and suddenly feel awkward. "Um, okay. Thank you for the ride. I'm sorry you had to drive me all over creation." I get a look at the clock on the stove. "Oh, wow. I didn't realize it was so late. I'm sorry," I apologize again.

"It's really not a problem," he says. I can feel his gaze on me, but I don't look at him. "You, uh, sure you're going to be good here?"

"Yeah." I glance around the living room. It suddenly feels like everything is closing in around me. I panic and dart towards the bathroom. Closing the door, I slide to the floor and put my head on my arms. The panic I've tried to push away all night suddenly claims me, sucking the oxygen from my lungs. I crawl to the toilet and once again heave into the toilet. There's a knock on the door.

"Amber?"

"Go away," I mutter, miserable as I wretch again.

There's only silence, and I find myself grateful for it. My head hangs over the toilet as I try to stop the cramp under my breastbone. Deep breath in...and out. I'm not sure how long I'm going to hang over this toilet. But until I can stay calm, I'm not going anywhere. I slip off my shoes and get as comfortable as is possible when you're hanging over a toilet. I absently wonder when my life got so off-track and what in the world I'm going to do to fix it.