43. Cecilia

43

CECILIA

H ome was hard for Cecilia in the way it was always hard to come back to a place that was the same when you'd been so permanently changed.

While they were gone, Marcos had married Ilani and he and his new queen had greeted them, along with a teary-eyed Aunt Clara, who had pulled both Rainer and Cecilia into hugs and refused to let them go until they pried her off. Now they were back in the cottage alone and as tentative with the space as they were with each other.

Before, they'd easily fallen into bed together, but Cecilia was still trying to get used to his sudden dark moods and brooding, and he was trying to accommodate her anxiety and fear as best he could. Both had improved remarkably, but still their experiences clung to them.

Rainer had been tentative with her at first, touching her only when he'd asked permission, constantly drawing a hand back from actions that had been reflexive for so long.

Every flinch frustrated her. Reminded her she was not yet well.

Part of her wanted to throw herself at him, tackle him into bed and not let him out for a week. It used to be that she never felt calmer and more grounded than when he was touching her skin—when she could be that close to him. But the other part of her still froze up when an unexpected memory invaded.

She berated herself when she was alone on the beach in the mornings. How could she be so wounded when Vincent hadn't actually done what he'd threatened?

But the fear was irrational. Her body had a mind of its own and it refused to be mastered by her will alone.

Before, Rainer had eclipsed everything. But even he could not blot out the fear from her body, could not ease the way she felt like what had happened was still happening. She couldn't stop brushing her fingers over her thighs to make sure no mark remained. But there was nothing physical save for the faint hint of the first slash Vincent had made, that cut a little too jagged for Magdalena to have healed cleanly.

Rainer's patience with her only agitated her further. He loved to tease her now, loved to stoke her desperation.

"Aren't you frustrated?" she snapped when for the fourth time in as many days she had frozen up in the middle of a kissing session.

He just smiled at her. "I am very satisfied."

She huffed out an exasperated sigh.

"Clearly I'm not as frustrated as you. Poor, sweet, horny Cece," he teased, hugging her from behind, kissing the freckles from her shoulder up her neck. "What do you need? My mouth on you?"

She shivered against him. She wanted it but was terrified it wouldn't go well.

She grabbed his hand, placing it between hers and her body as she slid it down her front, pausing between her legs. She prodded him to move his fingers against her, roughly through the layers of her dress. She moaned, tipping her head back against his shoulder.

"Mmm, what do you need, Cece? I'll give you anything you want," he murmured into her neck.

"Take your clothes off," she said, pulling his hand away and yanking at the ties of her dress until it pooled around her feet.

Rainer's eyes lit up, but she read the sudden shift in his body, still apprehensive of touching her too much. She hated it .

It had always been so easy between them but now it felt like they were in uncharted territory, fumbling their way through like it was the first time.

Rainer reached for her to help her out of her undergarments, only to draw his hands back before he could touch her.

"For the love of the gods. Touch me, Rain. I'll tell you if it's too much."

It was all the permission he needed. He was on her in a second, his hands in her hair, tipping her head back so he could kiss her before trailing down her body to squeeze her ass. She moaned against his mouth and he lifted her, her legs wrapping around his waist instinctively as he carried her to the bed, sitting on the edge with her in his lap.

For a long time they stayed like that, naked and kissing ravenously.

Finally she pulled back.

"I can keep my hands to myself," Rainer gasped.

She huffed out a breath. "I very much don't want you to. I want your hands all over me."

He smiled. "I know, but maybe we take it slow. Mika said it might help if you tied me to the bed."

A thrill pulsed through her at the prospect.

"Oh, would you like me powerless?" he asked, arching a brow. "I assure you I am already entirely at your mercy."

She kissed him, pushing him onto his back as she pressed her lips to his neck and the scars from old arrow wounds. "I love you," she whispered against each one as she always did. Like she was paying penance for not saying the words the day he received those wounds.

She guided Rainer's hand between her legs.

"Please, I need it."

His gaze locked with hers as he slid a finger inside her and she groaned.

"Fuck, you're tight," Rainer said, his hips flexing on instinct.

"Make me feel good," she sighed against his mouth.

He went slow at first, but she sat back, allowing him more control. He pushed to a sitting position so he could kiss her while he worked her with two fingers.

She was right on the edge when the memory of Grant holding her down and Vincent behind her split present from past. She froze.

Rainer drew his hand back immediately.

"Cece." His whisper was so gentle, but Cecilia was furious.

She jumped out of bed, throwing a glass from the table against the wall with a frustrated scream. "I hate this. I hate that he's gone and yet he still manages to be here in this room. I hate that I cannot connect with you like this. I hate that I am held hostage by the perfect memory of the one thing I'd like to forget." She blew out a frustrated breath and turned to face Rainer.

"I know," he whispered, pulling her into his arms. "I hate it too, but it won't be like this forever. You don't have to push so hard."

She brushed a tear from her cheek. "I'm in ruins."

"I love ruins," Rainer said tenderly.

She rolled her eyes. The more calm he was, the more frustrated she felt.

"It's beautiful to see what's still standing after the storm," Rainer whispered, kissing the inside of her wrist and the crescent scar on her outer palm. "I look at ruins and see strength. They show that something important was forever changed, but still it stands. You're still standing, Cece."

She pulled away and twisted her hair up on top of her head, shoving in a few pins from the nightstand to hold it in place. Rainer was so good to her and so understanding but she was so impatient for the comfortable familiarity of being close to him. "I just want to feel safe in my own body. I'm not afraid of you."

He tilted his head to the side, smiling faintly. "You'll get there. Give it some more time. You know what might make you feel better?"

"Climaxing?" she said dryly.

Rainer chuckled. "Perhaps not that good, but still happy."

She crossed her arms. "What is it?"

"I don't think I ever told you the end of the raining stars fairy tale. "

A thrill zipped up Cecilia's spine. She'd lost count of how many times she'd asked him how that story ended. "You'll actually tell me for real?"

He nodded. "I saved it because I knew you might need it eventually. How does the story start?"

"Once upon a time there was a village where for one night every year it rained stars." She took a deep breath.

"Go on," he whispered.

"The villagers ran outside with empty jars to collect them, because each star was worth one wish. One of the villagers, a man named Jack, was very in love with a fellow villager, June. Every year, after the stars fell, he'd use his wishes for very practical things: good crops for the village, safety for their people, and health for his parents. But he always saved one star for a special occasion."

Cecilia swallowed hard. The story made her so emotional now since it was tied to so many important moments in their lives.

She cleared her throat and continued. "June, on the other hand, was fast and often caught the most stars. She was also generous, blowing through her wishes within the first week of getting them. She wished for things to take care of everyone else in the community because she wanted everyone to love her. But as soon as they got something from her, they'd get too busy with their wishes coming true to make time for June. Except Jack. He would always ask her why she gave so much away when she lived in a tiny little cottage. And she told him she didn't want just any house—she wanted a home, and until she knew what kind, she wouldn't waste a wish. So, most of the year June would be without any wishes and every week she would ask Jack what he was saving his last wish for."

"What do you think he was saving it for?" Rainer asked.

Cecilia was certain; she just wanted Rainer to confirm it. "I think he was saving it so he could wish for June's dream home once she figured out what she wanted."

Rainer took a step toward her. "Jack didn't wish for a home because he didn't need one. To him, home was where his heart felt safe, so he'd already found one in June. Do you know what he wished for instead?"

Cecilia shook her head, trying to swallow the tightness in her throat.

"He wished that she'd finally see that she'd had a home in him all along." Rainer cupped her face in his hands. "I'll wait here as long as it takes for you to be ready, because your heart is already a safe place for me. I can wait until mine feels safe for you, too."

Cecilia flipped the clinic sign on the front door of the Olney Healing Center. She turned to face Mika, who appeared as fresh and golden in the late afternoon sunlight shining through the windows as she had when she arrived that morning. It was a little bit annoying how perfect she looked.

Cecilia crossed the room, removed her apron and tossed it into the laundry bin next to Lyra, and slumped into a chair.

"You seem off," Mika observed.

"I'm just frustrated, Mika. I want to be with him. We used to be so good together. I could not keep my hands off of him—wanted him to touch me everywhere. I can't stand this tentative thing. It does more to remind me what happened than make me feel better."

Mika sighed, shaking her head. "It's still not been very long. Be patient with yourself."

"I just want to be with him without bringing all this baggage into the bedroom with me," Cecilia said, wrapping twine around a bundle of rosemary and hanging it on a hook.

Mika rubbed the back of her neck and untied the kerchief holding her blonde hair away from her face. "You trust him completely, right?"

Cecilia nodded. "More than anyone in the world."

"Enough to let him be in control of everything?"

Cecilia hesitated. "In control?"

"Yes. In control of everything that happens in bed. Do you trust him enough to know what you want and need enough to surrender control?"

Cecilia considered it as she stood and swept loose bits of herbs off the floor and tossed them into the fire. "I would be willing to try it."

Mika nodded. "All right then. Send him to chat with me. I have an idea of something that might work to help you through this tricky spot."

"Thank you, Mika, you're a good friend." Cecilia leaned the broom against the wall, hesitating. "Did you learn all of this from Ivy?"

Mika's face softened. "Some. Some I learned from other women over the years. The idea I have for you will work better because of your bond with Rainer. Not many women have that benefit."

Cecilia hesitated. She knew it took a lot for Mika to offer to talk to Rainer, whom she rarely even made eye contact with. Much as she knew that Rainer couldn't entirely be blamed for killing Magdalena, Mika still could not forgive him. This offer was clearly entirely out of friendship with Cecilia.

"And how are you healing?" Cecilia asked.

"Some ends don't tie up easily. I expect it will take me some time to mend what still aches in me. The good news is that I finally have the time and space to do so and a life I enjoy enough to get better for." Mika's gaze darted to the counter where Lyra sat shuffling through the next day's schedule.

Cecilia had noticed the budding relationship between the duo but knew better than to pry. Mika would share if and when she was ready to and not a moment sooner. In the meantime, Mika had been happy to listen to Cecilia rant about her frustration, though her unresolved anger toward Rainer made Cecilia feel guilty for bringing him up so much.

"I won't hate him forever, you know," Mika said. "I just need some time to see him as someone other than the person who killed the woman who was like a mother to me."

"I know," Cecilia said.

Mika clasped her hands in her lap. "This program—what we are doing here—it matters. This is how I heal. I know you get it, but I expect at some point it will feel like enough—with enough distance and time and joy, I will be someone new. Grief is a crucible. I just haven't surfaced yet to see what it makes of me."

Cecilia nodded, placing a hand on her friend's shoulder. "I'll be here when you surface and I'll keep watch while you're under."

Mika nodded, a faint smile on her lips. "Now get home and eat dinner and tell that fiancé of yours that bringing me that delicious pasta for lunch a few times a week certainly doesn't hurt his cause."

Cecilia laughed. "I'll let him know."