38. Rainer

38

RAINER

R ainer darted down the Castle Savero hallway. He needed to get to the temple, but he'd forgotten the rings in his room and had to run back to get them.

As he stalked down the hallway, his mind spun through cycles from hating Cecilia to loving her to downright loathing her. He turned the corner toward the training room in the hope of burning off some of the nerves that had his hands shaking.

He rounded a corner and nearly ran into Michael.

The boy grinned up at him.

"No training today. I'm getting married," Rainer said.

The boy frowned and opened his mouth to speak. Before he could, an older woman with neatly braided dark hair, wearing an apron dusted with flour, stepped up behind Michael, resting a hand on his shoulder.

"Guardian McKay, I'm Michael's mother, Veronica. I wanted to thank you for taking the time to teach him so much."

Rainer grinned at the boy. "He's a good student."

"He is. As good in the kitchen as he is in here. He even learned how to make that pesto dish that you taught us a few months back—the one Lady Reznik loves so much," Veronica said .

Rainer frowned. "I taught you a pesto dish?" His mind pulled up a hazy memory in the castle kitchens, though he couldn't place the time period, just his hands gathering basil and pine nuts. An ache pressed behind his eyes. While he could not remember learning how to cook, he could easily call up a recipe now that he'd been told he knew one. "I'm sorry to say I don't seem to remember teaching you."

Veronica nodded. "Yes, it seems you're forgetting quite a lot. I wish I could tell you but—" She broke into a coughing fit when she tried to say more. "Damned trickster god made it impossible to say much about Lady Reznik."

Rainer frowned. What did the trickster god have to do with anything? He'd noticed that Vincent was especially wary about the trickster god's presence in the castle. But Vincent had said he was an ally and he made sure that Grant was available to escort him through the castle once a day for what he'd simply called "maintenance."

Rainer rubbed the back of his neck, feeling oddly chastened. "She cast a love spell on me."

Veronica tipped her head back and laughed in his face. "Love spells don't exist, you fool." Shaking her head, she turned toward the kitchen, corralling Michael along with her. "I hope you remember who you are before you break that poor girl's heart. It's already been broken enough."

The warm throbbing behind Rainer's eyes turned into a sharper pain. He waited for a memory to break through. He dug his mental claws into the scraps of memories with new desperation, but the pain didn't gain him any ground. All he could call up was the repeating glimpse of his hands cutting pasta.

Rainer rubbed his aching head and headed back toward the stables.

The temple was extravagantly decorated, the center aisle lined with enormous bouquets of bright red roses that filled the air with their sweet scent. Flower petals were scattered down the main aisles in such a thick blanket that it was impossible to see the white marble floors. A servant brushed him to the side so he'd avoid stepping on them. He cut down the side aisle, ignoring the heavy gazes of what seemed like everyone in the room. The temple was still half empty but it was clear everyone wanted to be there early for the spectacle. He didn't understand why they stared. Maybe they'd noticed he was pathetically alone.

Xander had begrudgingly agreed to be his best man since Vincent would be helping the high priestess with the ceremony and Rainer hated Grant. Truthfully, Rainer had no one else. The only other friend he'd made since waking was a young boy, which was truly pathetic.

He needed to make a point of making some new friends after the wedding.

The aisles were full of giggling girls in white rose corsages and nobles wearing red rose boutonnieres, including his future father-in-law, Edward Spellman. He was overbearing, opportunistic, and sought out conversations with Vincent whenever he could. He and Raymond McKay would be fast friends when they finally met.

Rainer ducked to the right, narrowly avoiding conversing with Spellman thanks to two priestesses in long golden robes who intercepted the father of the bride.

When Rainer made it to the front of the temple, he saw a blur of blue out of the corner of his eye. When he turned, he spotted Cecilia in the corner alcove of the side temple, right off the altar. She wore a light blue gown the color of Olney wedding dresses. It was an interesting choice, but it brought out her eyes in such a devastating way that Rainer was afraid to look at her up close.

He expected to feel less compelled by her, but nothing had changed except the lack of warmth in his chest. He was still drawn to her.

Cecilia closed her eyes, tilting her head back and talking aloud to herself. Rainer hesitated. Perhaps she was working a spell.

His feet carried him to her before he could stop them. He entered the side temple, out of view of the crowd .

When Cecilia opened her eyes and found him standing in front of her, she jumped back, her shoulder blade slamming against the wall.

She winced. "Sorry—you normally can't sneak up on me." Her face was full of such grief that he almost reached out to touch her.

Before he could overthink it, he grabbed her hand and yanked her into one of the private meditation booths. The rooms were not exactly hidden, but they were tucked into the side entrance of the temple, not visible from the main aisle. They were also made for one person. He and Cecilia had to stand so close together, their chests nearly touched. Her hands rested above his heart, less gentle caress than bracing herself. She looked up at him, her eyes full of confusion and hope.

He needed to get this out of his system. To be certain that he'd feel nothing at all when he touched her.

"I need to?—"

He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. Immediately her hands were in his hair, pulling him closer, taking on a desperate edge that made him feel out of his mind with longing. Goosebumps rose on his skin. He shoved the booklets of meditation practices off the small ledge lining the room and lifted her to sit on it, using his hips to keep her pinned.

She moaned against his lips. "Rain."

He pulled back, meeting her wide blue eyes.

"Why did you do that?" she rasped.

He didn't completely understand why. It was a desperate move. He saw her, knew in the moment he didn't hate her, needed to see if it felt the same to be with her as it had when he was bewitched. He still wasn't convinced that it wasn't some remnant of the spell.

He kissed her again and she let him.

Rainer swallowed her soft gasp as he hiked her dress to the tops of her thighs. Her body went rigid and he pulled back to look at her.

"I need to understand. I need to remember."

She studied him for a moment, chewing her lip. "Yes."

"Yes?"

She nodded, but a worried crease formed in her brow .

He slid his hands up her thighs and found the edge of her lace underwear. Hooking his fingers in the sides, he moved back as she lifted her hips and he helped her out of them. He stuffed them in his pocket, settling back between her thighs. He kissed her again, winding his hands through her hair, carefully unpinning and loosening her curls.

She smiled against his mouth like she knew some secret he didn't, and he supposed she did.

"What?"

"That's familiar," she whispered.

He held her gaze as he slid his hand up her inner thigh. She gave him a nod and he brushed his fingers over her, both of them sighing together.

"You're so wet."

She nodded. "Just for you."

He frowned. "Why are you letting me do this?"

"Because I love you."

Anger burned through his veins. "Then why did you trick me?"

She frowned. "I didn't."

Rainer froze. "Still lying."

"Lying and not being able to tell the truth are two different things," she said, her voice thin with exasperation. "When I reach the ends of what I can say, there's nothing more for me to do. I'm just waiting on you to remember."

"I want to. I want to remember you."

She worried her lower lip with her teeth, the movement mesmerizing.

"I need this. I just need to know what's real."

Gods, he sounded pathetic.

The crease in her brow returned and she let out a shaky breath. The silence stretched between them to the point where he was ready to storm out of the booth and never make eye contact with her again.

"Okay. Just go slow. I haven't done anything in months except for what I did with you."

She unbuttoned his pants with shaky hands. He couldn't tell if she was scared or excited. There was no indication on her face. Before, he was certain he would have felt something in his chest. Something felt so wrong now, but he just needed that closeness, as if intimacy would reveal something he hadn't yet seen, uncover some new memory.

She pulled out his cock, spitting into her palm and taking him in her callused hand. He twitched at the touch.

She looked up at him, brushing the thumb of her other hand over the space between his brows. "I found a worry, but I'll fix it in a hurry."

The words sounded so familiar. He was so close to remembering. It was idiotic to think the key to his memories was fucking her, but some primal instinct for closeness spurred him on. Just this once, he could do this and get her out of his system.

She braced herself on his shoulders. "Brave with my hand. Brave with my heart," she whispered.

He kissed her again, rubbing himself against her as she whimpered. Her body was still so rigid.

He pulled back immediately. "I can't. You're scared. This isn't right."

Suddenly, the door swung open. Xander Savero appeared in the doorway, backlit by sunlight streaming through stained-glass windows. His eyes went wide.

"What the fuck are you two doing?" He stepped inside, closing the door behind him, making the space even more claustrophobic. He looked from Cecilia to Rainer to Rainer's cock.

"Want to put that thing away, McKay? You're going to take an eye out." Xander turned to Cecilia with mischief in his eyes. "Good for you, love. Now I see what all the fuss is about. Explains why he's such an expert swordsman."

She slapped Xander's arm, breathing out a startled laugh. Rainer tucked himself back in his pants as Cecilia pushed her dress down.

"McKay, get out of here," Xander said. "If you get caught in here with us, that's going to be harder to explain. I, on the other hand, have been known to have a serious weakness for my ex-wife. "

Rainer didn't want to leave her—he had so many questions. Why had she let him touch her that way when she was so afraid? That was not the kind of trust born of obsession. It was born of intimacy.

He'd never been more certain that whatever had existed between them was not as fleeting as a spell. Much as he wanted to stay and ask questions, he knew they could not answer them and his presence would only get Cecilia into more trouble.

He met Cecilia's eyes and pulled her into a kiss.

Tears streamed down her cheeks. "Rain, if love was enough, I'd stay with you forever."

The words sparked a hint of a memory. For a split second, he swore he saw her on the beach in his arms saying those same words. It was there and gone so fast he thought he imagined it out of sheer desperation to remember.

"I'll take those," Xander said, swiping the lace underwear hanging out of Rainer's pocket and sliding them back up Cecilia's legs.

Rainer took one last look at her and left the booth. He smoothed his tunic and ran a hand through his hair as he walked back toward the altar, tugging at the words that laid a trail to the slice of memory he'd just seen. The throb in his head grew unbearable, but nothing else came save for a rush of fear and humiliation and an unbelievable sense of failure. Guilt and shame sent his stomach tumbling.

His head ached fiercely. At first, he thought it was some sort of magical sabotage or torture for walking away from her, but then an image surged through his mind.

Cecilia sat beside him on a beach, drawing swirls in the sand with her fingers.

"I don't want to be someone who is ruined by hurt. I want to be someone who's brave in the face of it."

His head pounded; it felt like someone was stabbing needles into his brain, and not just once, but again and again. The violence of his mind trying to right itself was all-consuming. He squeezed his eyes shut, gripping the altar railing to stay upright.

"McKay?"

He was vaguely aware of the prince beside him. He looked at Xander, expecting sympathy, but was met with narrowed eyes and barely contained anger.

"What?"

Xander shook his head, letting out a bitter laugh. "You're content to just leave her to remember alone. To leave me to remember with her. We were both there in that room while she suffered alone. If you don't remember right now I'll never forgive you for being such a fucking coward."

Rainer couldn't explain how he knew what Xander meant. He'd begun to suspect that as much as he had a compelling desire to remember, he had just as strong a reason to forget. He sensed the shame and failure that welled up whenever he thought of his life before, but he'd been too afraid to push past it and see what waited on the other side. It came to him in a flash when he'd killed Vincent's guards with his bare hands. Not the memory, but the furious rage that began with the empty dread connected to the blank space in his brain and never ended.

Lightning bolts exploded in Rainer's mind and he squeezed his eyes shut, afraid he might vomit all over the altar. When he opened his eyes, several nobles in the front row were looking at him, wide-eyed.

"Rainer?" Xander studied him.

"I'm fine. Just give me a minute." Rainer shoved away from the prince and made his way to one of the meditation rooms. He closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against the cool wood wall. "Come on."

He willed the memories to return to him. Something about those words Cecilia had mumbled when she was trying to summon the courage to be with him—" Brave with my hand, brave with my heart ." They seemed like the thread that, when tugged, would reveal what he'd lost, like throwing back the curtain on the darkness in his mind. He searched for the words, begged the memory to return.

Cecilia lay beside him in the dark, her gaze fixed on the night sky, eyes wide with wonder. She brushed tears from her cheek and looked at him. Her hand was warm in his and he'd never felt so at peace, so in awe, so utterly in love with someone.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Their gazes locked and held for too long.

"It's your turn to tell the story tonight."

Rainer's head throbbed but he held fast to the doorframe of the booth, breathing through the pain, begging for context, tugging at the thread of the memory for more. At first, his mind resisted, afraid of something dark lurking there. His mind seemed to be protecting him from a terrible knowing. Even without actually remembering, he could feel the dread.

He pushed beyond the fear, yanked hard, and the memory came in a surge.

Even though he was remembering it perfectly, his vision was hazy, his body a riot of pain.

Rainer's skin burned and ached, blood trickling from lash wounds down his back, stinging in every bit of broken skin. He could barely lift his head, but he sensed Cecilia's dread in his chest, making him feel cold and desperate.

He looked up as Vincent dragged her in front of him, her eyes red-rimmed, salty tearstains down her cheeks. She looked wrecked and terrified, but most of all, she looked worried about him .

With deadly precision, Vincent cut through the strap of her gown and the front folded down to her waist, revealing her lacy mauve bustier.

Vincent clicked his tongue. "Would you look at that? It's like she was expecting me."

Several of the guards laughed. He roughly palmed one of her breasts, and she curled away from him until he pressed his blade to her throat. "Move again, and I'll have my men break the bones in your fiancé's fingers one by one. Hold still."

Impotent rage surged through Rainer. He could do nothing but watch that animal manhandle his fiancée. Cecilia held still, a faraway look in her eyes.

Rainer willed her to look at him, but she tilted her head up to the ceiling as if waiting for the worst to be over. He squirmed but the guards next to him forced him down and he groaned as his ravaged back hit the chair.

"Please stop," she whispered.

Vincent grinned. "I'll stop when you tell me what I want to know."

Rainer knew she would never tell. He was ready to do it. Rage pulsed through him but it was nothing compared to his fear for her.

Cecilia's gaze flitted to Xander and Rainer could practically read how mad she would be if Rainer went through all that torture and then gave it up. She'd never forgive him. But if he let her be hurt like this, he'd never forgive himself.

"I don't know," she whispered. "None of us do. Only Marcos knows for sure. We compartmentalized knowledge for this very reason. I would have told you when you were brutalizing Rainer if I knew."

Vincent paused, considering. "Perhaps you all truly don't know. Only one way to know for sure." He stood straighter. "Enough games, Xander. Be a king for once in your life. Be a leader and make the right choice. Tell me now, or I'm going to take her to the other room and find out what all the fuss is about, and I'm not going to be gentle. I'm going to fuck the information right out of her, and if that doesn't work, I'll let my men take turns until the truth comes out. There won't be anything left of her."

Cecilia swallowed hard. Rainer shook his head violently. He felt her trying to soothe him through the bond and he almost burst into tears. She was in trouble but she still wanted him to be okay. It was too much .

"Wards. We used wards," Rainer mumbled.

The shame of confessing was almost too much. Rainer was supposed to be a warrior, but Cecilia was the love of his life and he was bound to protect her. He'd made the mistake of not putting her first once before and he wouldn't do it again. If she wouldn't be selfish enough to save herself, he would do it for her. If it had just been his body that was ruined, he could take it, but she was the most precious thing in his world and he would not let her be hurt like that.

Rainer looked up expectantly but no one reacted. No one had heard him.

"Trying to give me pointers, McKay?" Vincent taunted.

The guards laughed.

"Very well," Vincent huffed. He shoved Cecilia into the arms of two guards, who dragged her kicking and screaming into the other room.

Vincent looked from Xander to Rainer. "If you thought I was rough with Rainer, you haven't seen anything yet. You won't even recognize her when you see her again."

Fury rose up in Rainer and he yanked against the guards, only managing to tip his chair, landing with a thud on the floor. Pain burst like his back was on fire and his vision went dark as the guards yanked his chair upright and sat him back, making him black out.

Cold, unrelenting fear surged through his bond with Cecilia, waking him from the void.

"One last chance," Vincent shouted.

Rainer tried to speak—nothing came out but a grunt.

He tried to send love through their bond, but Cecilia was too terrified to send anything through but ice-cold fear. He wanted her to know that he was there, that he was with her the whole time, but she was fighting him, trying to close him out so he wouldn't feel her.

She was still trying to protect him. Something in Rainer broke. He couldn't breathe. His chest was so tight he thought his heart might stop.

Then the screaming started. Never in his life had he heard her scream like that. Rainer struggled, but every time he moved, he shifted in and out of consciousness, so weak from pain that the guards didn't even bother holding him in the chair.

Every scream that echoed from the other room was like a lash on his soul. He tried to get up but fell on the floor and couldn't rise again. He lay there, fading in and out of consciousness, for what felt like an eternity. Every time his vision went dark, he saw her resigned, terrified face.

The cold stone floor scraped at his cheek as he prayed, tugging at their bond, trying to send her love but only finding room for her fear and pain. Physical pain. He'd been connected to her long enough to know the difference. He tried to pull the pain away from her; it was so hard when his body was wrecked, but he would take it if it meant she wouldn't feel so alone in this. His vision went dark and then brightened again. He tried to send her love, then faded into unconsciousness and dreamt of all the ways he'd kill Vincent.

Finally, after an eternity, there was stirring in the other room and the guards yanked Rainer up and into his seat. Vincent dragged Cecilia back into the room. Her dress was in tatters, her eyes wet with fresh tears. He tried to make eye contact, frantically tugging at their connection. He looked her over for injuries and his eyes snagged on blood dripping down her legs. He went blind with grief and rage.

Pressure crested in Rainer's head as more memories surged, though he could not seem to let go of the first one. It was the crack in the dam of his mind and everything else flooded in on the heels of the memory of that failure. He leaned against the wall, riding it out as the lost memories reconnected.

Rainer finally knew who he was.

He knew who Cecilia was.

Most importantly, he knew who Vincent Savero was—a fucking dead man.