3. Rainer

3

RAINER

E loise sat by the windows in the sitting room, sipping tea and chatting with several other ladies. She looked stunning in a purple gown with silver embroidery, and Rainer felt woefully unprepared for how to even approach her.

Relax, McKay. It's a thank-you walk in the garden, not a marriage proposal.

He looked at the bouquet in his hand. The royal gardener had assured him that the pale pink roses, zinnias, and pansies were an appropriate thank-you gift, not just a sign of romance, but Rainer still worried they weren't right.

His heart raced, anxiety rearing up thanks to the workout he'd skipped to be standing in the doorway like an idiot. He considered postponing, but then Eloise looked up, and her face brightened.

"Guardian McKay, it's so lovely to see you," Eloise said.

Rainer thrust the bouquet toward her, clearing his throat. His mouth was suddenly dry and his tongue twisted with words that seemed trite. "I wanted to thank you for sitting with me while I was lost. You—" He cleared his throat, straightening his stance. "You helped me find my way out of the dark, and I appreciate it. "

Eloise took the flowers, breathing in their scent before looking up at him.

"I was hoping that you would take a walk with me," he said.

Eloise smiled widely. "I'd love to. Let me just get my cloak."

She breezed by him, leaving him standing awkwardly with the other ladies in the room whispering and casting glances at him.

Finally, Eloise reappeared in a dark plum-colored cloak.

"I put the flowers in water in my room. They're so lovely. You didn't owe me any thanks. I was happy to be there."

Her face was so earnest, and it was a relief to have one person who didn't look at him like he was weak.

Rainer held out his arm. She threaded her gloved hand through the crook of his elbow and they fell into step as he led her out the side door into the garden.

The morning was chilly but clear. The sky was finally blue, smeared with big fluffy clouds after days of miserable gray. Snow melted, dripping from leaf to leaf in the garden, adding a soft staccato to the sound of their footsteps on the garden trail. They passed patrols and groups of ladies who, upon seeing them, began whispering furiously to each other.

"It's quite awkward when it feels like everyone is talking about you," Rainer sighed.

Eloise grinned up at him. "Guardian McKay?—"

"Rainer."

"Rainer, you must know that ladies are helpless for a hero. I suspect you'll be popular at court for a very long time," Eloise said.

Heat rose on Rainer's cheeks, and he looked away. A pleasant silence settled between them and the tight ball of anxiety in Rainer's chest unraveled ever so slightly.

"You'll forgive me, but I'm afraid I still don't remember everything from before the attack. Did we know each other well?" Rainer asked.

Eloise smiled at him, her pale green eyes sparkling in the sunshine. "We didn't know each other well, though I must admit that I had a bit of a crush. You were very kind to me when I found myself in a hard moment and that comfort has stayed with me. "

Her cloak parted as she brought her hand to her chest over the swell of her breasts, as if to show the weight of his comfort. He quickly averted his gaze, taking in the roses around them that still bloomed brightly despite the frigid weather.

"How are you feeling?" Eloise asked.

Rainer sighed. "Still a bit at a loss for where I belong. I am a guardian who failed his witch."

Eloise frowned. "You mustn't be so hard on yourself. The king would not offer you a place here if he didn't have faith in you."

Rainer rubbed the back of his neck. The king might have had faith in him, but he didn't have much in himself. "I'd feel better if I could remember anything. I hate being so confused."

That was putting it lightly. He remembered pain and grief. He remembered fear so sharp and biting that it still left him feeling shaky on his feet. But he could not summon a vision of the moment leading up to the attack, or even anything since he'd arrived in Argaria for Prince Xander's wedding.

Rainer was frustrated with himself for being bested and furious at the slayer who had stolen his memories. It was a mercy that Vincent and his men had reached Rainer in time or he might have had nothing left. But all of that was too much to burden Eloise with.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out. Right now, you have a blank slate. That's overwhelming, but I'm sure it's also thrilling. Not everyone gets to reinvent themselves," Eloise said. She looked wistful.

Rainer shook his head. "Look at me complaining to you about a lack of choice when you're at the whims of your father. I'm sorry."

Eloise's eyes widened. "How observant of you to notice. I certainly don't fault you for your overwhelm. I'm sure if I'd lost my sense of self, I would find it unsettling. Even now when I know myself, if someone were to offer me an open path to do as I wish, I'd probably be at a loss for where to start."

Rainer smiled at her. "Well, what do you want for yourself?"

"Love." Eloise blushed. "Apologies. I'm not sure why I said that."

Rainer placed his hand on hers atop his arm. "I think that's a nice place to start. Why love? "

"It's what we all want, isn't it?"

Rainer frowned. Was that what he wanted? It didn't seem so. He just wanted to understand where he belonged in this new world. He wanted to honor his lineage as a warrior. He wanted to be known for being brave and strong and a fierce fighter. But love seemed a foreign concept. It wasn't as if what he remembered of his life had shown him much love. His father was adamantly opposed to love, and while he held little affection for the man, Rainer knew he had a point. He'd only seen love make fools of men. The last thing he needed when he had the king's ear and attention was to waste the opportunity on some silly love affair.

Love would mess up his routines, set his entire world in chaos, and that was the last thing he needed when he was trying to settle into who he was now, and who he might be if he never remembered the before.

"I suppose, in a way. I hadn't given it much thought," he said finally.

"I'd imagine not. Tough warrior like you," Eloise teased. "But I'm sure you want a family at home waiting for you at the end of your long days. A wife to keep you company. A home of your own."

That sounded oddly comforting. He imagined a cottage by the sea, taking his children down to the beach to play in the sand, teaching them to fight and shoot and swim, and coming home to a wife who was sweet and thoughtful. He imagined her blue eyes—the same shade as the sea out their cottage window.

The specificity of the daydream stopped him in his tracks. He tried to cling to it. But like a dream before waking, the glimpse was there and gone. The longer he waited for a face to form in his mind, the more certain he was that it never would.

He shook himself from the confusing daydream.

"Are you well?" Eloise asked.

"Yes, I thought I remembered something, but it never focused." Rainer sighed. He suddenly felt woefully wrong out in the garden—as if he was late for an appointment or had forgotten something critical. They'd reached the far end of the garden and Rainer paused, looking at the tall stone wall and the iron gate that led beyond the castle boundaries. The stone was marked with bright red paint, drawn into a symbol that Rainer didn't recognize.

"What is that?" He nodded at the symbol. "Did one of the rebels vandalize the castle?"

Eloise followed his gaze. "That's a ward, to keep out any meddling gods."

Rainer frowned. "Why would you want to keep out the gods?"

Eloise chewed on her lower lip and rubbed her gloved hands together. "Not all the gods. Just the ones who assisted the rebels. I'm sure you'll see Cato in the castle. He's helping to root out the rebels."

Rainer glanced down the wall and spotted a red smudge in the distance by the gate that led toward the stables. He ran a hand through his hair.

"You seem agitated," Eloise said.

"I'm sorry. At the strangest moments I get glimpses of memory, but the moment I try to drag them closer they slip through my fingers and I'm left with nothing but the sensation that I'm missing something critical, and looking at these symbols feels like I should remember something."

Eloise smiled sadly. "I'm sure it feels unbearable to know you've lost important things. I hate to see you so gripped by the loss. Perhaps it would be a good exercise to focus instead on who you want to be and what you want to achieve."

Her advice was sound, but Rainer couldn't shake the pervasive sense of wrongness in his life. Since he'd woken up after his incident, he felt completely out of place. The healers told him it was normal. They said he would feel disoriented in his life, but Rainer truly felt no connection to the details of his life that the people around him explained. What he could remember clearly felt strange and out of sync with the rest of his memories that existed lifelessly in the back of his mind.

They finished the loop of the trail, and Rainer led Eloise back inside .

"Forgive me for saying so, but you seem far away." She flushed and looked away. "I'm sorry, it's rude of me to press."

Rainer was messing this up and she was being so insistent in trying to help. He was supposed to be thanking her for her care but instead he'd only made her worry more.

"I'm terrible company these days. Often lost in my own thoughts."

Eloise smiled sympathetically. "I am here, even if you just need quiet company."

Her kindness made him feel worse, his body practically vibrating with the need to blow off steam.

Rainer bent to kiss her hand, then immediately stalked off toward the training room.

All of his memories were jagged edges—nothing fitting neatly together. There were only short bits of time he could remember at once. No long-form memories except the recent ones of him trying to uncover the rebellion, though those memories were hazy.

He removed the dagger and sword from his belt and stowed them out of the way in the training room closet. Wrapping his knuckles, he turned toward the straw-and-grain-stuffed dummy hanging at the center of the room.

Rainer didn't understand the fury and bitterness inside him. Every bit of his body felt leaden, slow, full of poison. His movements were violent. Although he'd been cleared for light duty a week ago, he'd been hesitant to push. Now he could tell it had been far too long.

Constant rest had stoked his frustration into an inferno. He pummeled the dummy as if he could beat his damaged memory into submission. His lack of progress with remembering his former life and a sinking feeling of incompetence plagued him.

He used to be someone else, but no one would help him remember. The healer had advised the king that it was best to give Rainer minimal information and let him remember naturally. Sharing too much too fast would do more harm than good. But as the person with half a memory, it felt like a punishment to Rainer.

He was certain he was forgetting something enormous.

Remember , the voice taunted him. But when he probed the places in his memories that were incomplete, he found nothing but questions.

Rainer felt hollowed out. As if something had sucked all the light out of his memories. Every single memory of childhood until the present seemed full of shadow where something significant should have been.

Had his world really been so dark?

He punched the bag harder, faster. Finally, when his chest burned for breath, he stopped.

Rainer unwound the bloody cotton from his knuckles. As he walked down the hallway toward the stairs to his room, he realized he had forgotten his favorite dagger and sword—the ones with the crescent moon on the hilts—in the training room closet.

He crossed the room, grabbed his weapons, and was about to step out of the closet when a woman wandered into the training room.

Rainer wasn't sure why he paused, but something about her stopped him in his tracks. The moment he laid eyes on her, every thought in his head ground to a halt, settling on one word: Mine. The word clanged off the empty walls of his mind like a coin in a jar.

He could not place her—couldn't call up a single memory of her face. And yet something about her stirred a familiar possessiveness in him.

The woman lifted her arms overhead, then folded forward over her legs. Rainer was frozen in place as she moved through a stretching routine that looked familiar to him, but like everything else in his life, he couldn't place it. He felt strange watching, especially as she moved through a series of somewhat suggestive positions. She knelt, bringing her chest to the mat, and Rainer sucked in a breath at the sight of her perfect ass tipped up in the air.

"Praise Clastor! This stretch routine is truly a gift from the gods."

Rainer had been so mesmerized he didn't notice Prince Xander appear at the training room entrance.

The woman laughed and slid onto her stomach, pressing her hands to the mat and lifting her chest as she looked over her shoulder at the prince. "See something you miss, Your Highness? "

"I don't have to miss it so much when I get to watch this," Xander said. "Maybe tomorrow you could do it in your undergarments and torture me like you used to every morning."

The woman giggled, wholly unbothered by his crudeness. "To what do I owe the honor, Xan? I'm surprised you're allowed near me."

The nickname startled Rainer almost as much as the casual way she spoke to royalty. She didn't bow or use his title. She simply rolled over and hopped to her feet.

"I understand you've been beating the crap out of your guards. The king had some complaints, so he sent me to remind you of your place," Xander said.

"As if I could forget," she grumbled.

She was small next to the prince, nearly a foot shorter than him. Still, he approached her with wariness, as if she was someone to be feared and respected. Xander handed her a wooden practice sword from the rack on the far wall. Rainer was surprised to see she knew how to hold it, weighing it and checking its balance before demonstrating a few practice strikes.

"I thought you'd be too busy," she said.

"I'm never too busy for you."

She started through a footwork and swordplay routine. It was the same one Rainer did daily. They must have trained in the same program, but she didn't look like a guardian or a hunter.

In her tight black pants and black and gold tunic, she didn't dress like a lady either. The only giveaway of her status was the elaborate style of her hair and the green ribbon woven through it.

"You look exceptionally lovely this morning," Xander said. The prince leaned against the far wall, watching her.

The woman smiled but said nothing. She moved fluidly through each movement. The only sound in the room was her breathing and the soft padding of her boots on the practice mats.

Xander let out a sigh. "You move just like him. You've even inherited the same mistakes."

She sighed and paused. "Horseshit! I'm flawless. "

Rainer almost laughed at how casually she swore in front of the prince.

"Your weight is too far back on your heels on your third turn," Xander said. "Stay on your toes, especially when you're pivoting…here—can I touch you?"

The woman froze, then nodded. Rainer couldn't see her face, but he swore he could feel how nervous she was. She seemed comfortable with the prince until he suggested touching her.

"Just your arm and your left calf," Xander said softly. She nodded and he approached her like she was a wounded animal. He adjusted her wrist and her stance and stepped back. "Try it again."

It was only when Rainer watched her repeat the movements that he realized he made the same mistakes in his practice.

"I don't know why I still do this every day. Do I really think if I do this, it will somehow help? Like my actions and routine will bring back normalcy. It's so stupid," she said.

Xander smiled sadly. "I know swordplay isn't your favorite anyway, love."

The term of endearment stopped Rainer from breathing. She wasn't the new princess, that much was clear, but it was obvious that this woman and the prince were close. Perhaps Xander had a consort that no one had told Rainer about. It would be unusual so close to his wedding, but not impossible. Royal weddings were more strategic alliances than love matches. Still, he couldn't understand why a mistress would be trained in combat.

"Would you like to spar?" she asked.

The prince grinned at her. "As much as I enjoy any time I can get my hands on you, I worry it might be too much. Are you sure you're ready?"

She placed her hands on her hips. "I'm sure I'll mop the floor with you."

Xander laughed, but her face grew serious.

"Honestly, I don't know," she whispered. "If you tell me where you're going to touch me, it's fine, but I don't know how I will do without knowing. But I have to get over it. I have to be able to defend myself and not freeze."

"Well, perhaps it's better to test it out with me than wait to find out. You say the word and we'll stop."

She nodded.

"What do you want to try?"

She hesitated. "I want to break out of a hold. Xan, what happened—" She took a shuddering breath that felt like it shook through Rainer's chest. "It can't happen again. I need to be able to fight."

The words were a stone in Rainer's stomach. He swore he felt her anxiety and panic from where he hid in the closet. He wasn't even sure why he was hiding when he had every right to be here. Though if he came out now it would be obvious that he was eavesdropping.

Xander held up his hands. "All right, let's just go over the basics. I'm going to grab your wrists from the front."

He did, and she easily broke away after two tries.

"Okay, from behind now," she instructed. "I'm going to bend over that table and I want you to—" Her voice cut off as soon as Prince Xander stepped up behind her where she was bent over the table.

She straightened with a start. For a second Rainer worried she'd seen him, but then he realized she was shaking violently.

The prince stood perfectly still. His brow scrunched; his hands flexed in panicked grief. He looked at the woman like his heart was breaking.

"Tell me what to do, love," he said.

Rainer could not make sense of the scene. His mind fought to pull together the pieces, but he could barely remember anything besides Xander's panicked face in flashes.

"I don't know." The woman wiped tears from her face. "I keep expecting to turn around and see him. I keep reaching for his hand like a habit."

"I want to hold you, but I know—" Xander didn't finish. He held his arms out wide and the woman curled into them and began to cry.

Rainer waited for the prince to hug her, but he kept his arms wide as if afraid to touch her .

"Can I touch you?" Xander asked. She mumbled something and he wrapped his arms around her, gently rubbing her back. "I know, love. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry," she said. "You did the right thing. I'm so proud of you."

The moment felt much too intimate for Rainer to bear witness to, but he was trapped in his hiding place. If he came out now, they'd know he'd been spying the whole time.

"But I should have?—"

"No. Xan, look at me." She cupped his face in her hands and stared into his eyes. "You are not to blame. I will not have you take this on. I wanted to help you and I have never been more proud of you, your integrity, or the leader you've become than I was in that moment. Even when I was terrified. You have become who I always knew you could be—who you were always meant to be. Don't let any of this take away from that."

Her fierceness stole Rainer's breath. Even as tears streaked down her cheeks, she was a force. She electrified the entire room with her will.

The prince stared at her and nodded. He cupped his hands over hers on his face.

"More than that, it wouldn't have gone any differently if you'd simply given up what he wanted," she said. "It would have been a different series of events, but I'm almost certain the result would have been the same."

Xander leaned his forehead against hers, squeezing his eyes shut. "I wish I could take away everything that hurts you, love."

She pulled back slightly, putting distance between them. "No one can do that, and if they could, I wouldn't want the fear in my body to be a mystery."

"I know it doesn't feel like it. And it's not right now. But it's going to be okay. I know what you've lost."

The words made her cry harder. "Your life is at risk."

Xander shrugged. "What else is new?"

The prince was so casual about the attack. Was he really cocky enough to think he could defend himself against rebels that had sneaked into their midst?

"It's going to be all right," the prince continued, his voice soothing. "I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve. I'm going to do what I do best?—"

"Flirt?"

Xander grinned. "You mean charm people with my undeniable wit and good looks?"

She laughed. The sound rang a chord in Rainer's chest, rousing joy he hadn't felt since waking.

"And you—you're going to do what you do best," the prince said.

She wiped her eyes on her tunic sleeve. "Act out and cry a lot?"

Xander laughed. "No—you're going to be you and he's going to fall in love with you. He won't be able to help himself."

Rainer wished they would say who they were talking about.

The woman looked at Xander skeptically. "I've never had to seduce him before."

Xander smiled. "Is that what you're self-conscious about? You have always had a way about you that is compelling without having to try. It's quite maddening, if I'm honest."

"But I don't know how to flirt," she said.

"Lies. You've flirted with me plenty and even if that weren't the case, you learned from the master," he said, gesturing to himself.

The woman rolled her eyes. "I suppose."

"Do you remember when I lost my mind, love? When I was lost to you?"

Rainer had so many questions. His memory drew up bits and pieces of a crueler version of the prince, but he couldn't put them together.

"I never lost you completely. Remember why?" Xander started. "You told me once that memory lives in more than the mind. It's in the body; it's emotion. Even when I hated you, I loved you intensely. Even when I was furious, I couldn't stop touching you like you were the most precious thing I ever held. Because my mind didn't know what to make of you, but my body did—my heart did. "

"I was careful. The goddess power is more precise. I had to take a lot. My brain is so full, but how could I bear to lose more?" she whispered.

Rainer could not make sense of their conversation at all.

"Dance with me," the prince said.

"Now?" she asked. "It's a ridiculous time to dance."

Xander winked at her. "Nonsense. The best thing that ever happened to me started with a dance."

She grinned at him.

"Put your feet on mine, wrap your arms around my waist."

She followed his instructions.

"Good. Now, can I wrap my arms around you?"

"Yes," she said, leaning her head against his chest.

Rainer was certain he'd be more comfortable if they were simply having sex. What was between them felt infinitely more intimate. The prince hummed a low song, and the woman closed her eyes as he moved with her.

Rainer didn't understand his irrational jealousy. Was he jealous of the prince? Of what the two of them had? He couldn't tell.

After a few moments, she pulled back. "I should go."

Xander laughed. "All right, love. Be careful."

She turned and left the prince standing there, reaching after her. He sighed heavily in the silent room before leaving in the opposite direction.

Once Rainer was sure that the prince was gone, he wrapped his knuckles and punched madly at a hanging grain bag. He thought of the haunted look on the woman's face. He drew on the bottomless well of rage inside him and unleashed all of his energy into a barrage of punches.