19. Cecilia

19

CECILIA

A nxiety twisted in Cecilia's stomach as she walked down the castle hallway. Two hours ago, Vincent had sent her a sudden and ominous invitation to a court party. She felt marginally more confident about walking into an unknown event with Xander and Isla at her side, however tremulous that semblance of safety felt after the attempt on Xander's life the previous evening.

Vincent's impatience was making him volatile.

Cecilia watched Xander and Isla out of the corner of her eye. Their posture was more natural than it had been previously. Xander's hand rested on hers and Isla's eyes scanned the hallway like she was ready to protect him from any adversary. Something had clearly shifted between them, but Cecilia wasn't about to bring it up.

"I have to make Rainer remember before Vincent sends someone else to finish the job," she whispered.

"He will, Cece," Xander said. "You haven't had much time. I'm capable of looking out for myself and when I'm not, my lovely wife does it for me."

Isla rolled her eyes and Xander's face lit up, his gaze lingering on her lips.

Cecilia fought a smile. When Xander was courting the princesses, she had felt so jealous, but now, it was good to see him look at someone else that way. It was what she wanted for him.

When they turned the next corner, the sound of voices and clinking glasses echoed through the hall. A small girl who couldn't have been more than six stumbled out of the doorway in front of them. She paused, looking up at Cecilia with wide eyes.

"Are you a princess?" the little girl asked, taking in her jeweled headband.

Cecilia grinned and lowered to her knees so she was at eye level with the girl. "Do I look like a princess?"

The girl nodded, her raven curls bouncing. Her wide, pale green eyes darted over Cecilia's shoulder to Xander and Isla.

"Want to know a secret?" Cecilia whispered. "I used to be a princess."

The girl's eyes went wide.

"But you see that handsome man over my shoulder?"

The little girl's eyes fluttered to Xander, and she gave him a shy smile. "Yes."

"He's a prince and that lady next to him is his wife, the princess," Cecilia said.

The little girl's lips parted in a gasp and she dipped into the most adorable curtsey Cecilia had ever seen.

"Your Graces," she said, lifting her eyes to look at them.

"And who are you, my lady?" Xander asked, bending to kiss her hand without missing a beat.

"Lady Isabella," she said, her cheeks growing pink.

"Well, Lady Isabella, do you think you could show the prince and princess to the party?" he asked.

Isabella's face lit up and she took his hand, dragging him down the hallway to the sitting room as Cecilia and Isla followed. Cecilia stole a glance at Isla and saw her gaze was glued to Xander's backside.

"See something you like?" Cecilia teased.

Isla looked away. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Can't say I blame you. Did something happen between you two?"

Isla glared at her .

"I only ask because I've suffered the same disorientation."

Isla cleared her throat. "And how did you right yourself?"

"I didn't. I surrendered to it."

Isla scoffed and Cecilia laughed, but the laughter died on her lips as they entered the sitting room.

She wasn't sure what she'd expected when Vincent told her about the party, but it wasn't this. It looked like he'd invited half the kingdom.

"Ah, dearest, you're finally here. Thank the gods. You know she does take such pride in her appearance, but it makes her late so often," Vincent said to the men beside him. He slid an arm around Cecilia and guided her toward the windows.

She tried to keep the tension out of her shoulders as her eyes landed on Isabella again, who was standing beside a woman who looked to be her mother. The little girl kept stealing furtive glances out the window and giggling and whispering things to the child next to her, who must have been a slightly younger sister.

"What is this about?" Cecilia whispered.

Vincent squeezed her arm hard enough to bruise and leaned in so close his lips nearly brushed her ear. "I know you had something to do with Reese Reynolds escaping. I'm not a fucking idiot."

Cecilia held her chin high, trying to ignore the panic in her chest. "I don't know what you mean. I've done everything you've asked of me. Especially since you've been so clear about the consequences."

He eyed her skeptically. "I was so certain I'd found the proper place to apply pressure, but you've forced me to reassess."

"How could I compel a king?" Cecilia said, her voice barely taunting enough to hide her terror.

"There is a price to pay for treachery, so allow me to remind you that I can always find more to take from you if you insist on defying me," Vincent whispered, menace in his tone. He released her arm and grabbed two glasses of bubble wine from a servant, handing one to her.

"I want to make sure you have a good view of the happy occasion," Vincent said .

"The gardens look lovely with the fresh snowfall, but what are we celebrating?"

Vincent's grin widened. "You'll see any moment now."

Dread pooled in Cecilia's stomach. She sipped the bubble wine to try to soothe her anxiety. Her eyes met Xander's, but she saw the same confusion in them as he whispered to Isla.

She was about to try to subtly make her way toward them when movement in the garden caught her eye. Warmth pulsed in her chest as she took in Rainer. His hair was still a bit too long, but it was neatly combed, showing off the waves she loved so much. She wanted to run her fingers through it.

All her fantasies were shattered when she realized that Eloise was on his arm. Cecilia's stomach lurched; a dizzy, sick feeling spun through her.

Rainer stopped, turning toward Eloise, holding both of her hands in his.

Cecilia wished she could hear everything he was saying even though she knew the words would probably hurt. She knew that look on his face. He looked utterly smitten with Eloise and she looked just as delighted by him. Of course she did—Eloise had been after Rainer since he had returned to court.

Cecilia brought her hand to her heart as if that could shield her from feeling hurt.

Then, Rainer went down on one knee and held up a ring and Eloise nodded. He jumped to his feet, picking her up in a hug before kissing her. The room erupted in cheers. The two of them turned toward the sound, both looking embarrassed and delighted.

Cecilia felt faint. She tried to keep her face placid, but she knew by the triumphant grin on Vincent's face that she had in no way succeeded.

Before, when it seemed that Eloise was just a responsibility that Rainer thought he needed to fulfill to get the recognition he so desperately chased, it was easy to believe that they'd never get to this point. But now, faced with the possibility that Rainer might actually be happy with Eloise, Cecilia felt breathless .

She was so certain fighting for him was the right thing. Her gaze settled on little Isabella and Cecilia instantly recognized her resemblance to Eloise. They must have been her nieces. Was that what Eloise's children with Rainer would look like? Perhaps their eyes would be greener.

Cecilia was sucked down and down and down into a vortex of doubt.

Rainer and Eloise came in through the glass doors to another round of applause. Vincent rushed forward to speak with Grant. Cecilia stayed where she was and drank her entire glass of wine in one gulp, ignoring the burn of the bubbles that made her eyes tear up.

Her heart felt like it was being squeezed in a fist, but she pasted a smile on her face as several ladies' glances lingered on her. Half of the room knew her history and half didn't, but clearly everyone was expecting a scene that she had no intention of giving them.

Xander appeared at her left shoulder with Isla beside him.

"Cece—"

She held up a hand. "I should have known. This is who Rainer would be. He follows the rules. He does what he's told, and he'll do anything to prove himself."

Xander frowned. "How do you figure?"

"If you take away me, you also take away my father's influence in his life, and a lot of the best memories with his own mother. All he's left with is Raymond McKay."

Xander sucked in a breath.

"What was wrong with his father?" Isla asked.

"He treated Rainer like nothing he ever did was good enough," Cecilia said. "He traded Rainer's success like currency all while never once telling him he was proud."

Isla wrinkled her nose in disdain.

Cecilia sighed. "Who knows who his birth parents were and how much of that driving force to achieve something comes from Raymond McKay and how much of it he was born with. I'll probably never know. "

Xander frowned, a flicker of recognition lighting his eyes.

"What? Do you know who his birth father is?" Cecilia asked.

"Of course I do," Xander whispered. "I was a spy behind enemy lines and my guards made a point to know everything about the most skilled warriors in Olney." He cast a darting gaze around them to make sure no one was listening. "I'm shocked that you don't. I thought you two knew everything about each other."

"It was such a closely guarded secret. I never pried about it, but I was always curious," Cecilia breathed.

Xander exhaled heavily. "Zelden Novaris."

"The warrior?" Isla said, her eyes wide. "Women in the Novumi army talk about him like he's the epitome of valor."

Cecilia couldn't contain her own shock. Zelden Novaris was even more revered than Leo Reznik in Olney history. His hard work on the front lines had given Clastor and Leo enough time to prepare for Endros's onslaught during the War of the Gods. He'd fought with just one battalion, beating back thousands of Argarian hunters at a choke point in their front lines. Zelden was one of the last three men standing. He'd sent one of the men to warn the rest of Olney that he'd fallen and then he and his last warrior held off Endros's men so he could escape. He was a legend.

So many things about Rainer suddenly made sense. Originally, Cecilia had thought he'd become a guardian because Raymond McKay wanted the prestige of a son who was important. Now, she saw it as a more personal choice to honor Zelden's legacy. Still, she couldn't help but ache for the man she'd loved her whole life, who never felt good enough and never stopped striving to prove himself even to her.

Cecilia swallowed hard and glanced back at Rainer. Eloise met Cecilia's gaze and arched an eyebrow, her lips pursed as if to say, " Your move ."

The hurt gave way to anger. Cecilia was so furious at Eloise she thought she might breathe fire. Cecilia had seen Rainer kiss plenty of other girls in front of her over the years, though not since they'd been engaged, and certainly not so joyfully at a public event. At least Rainer had the sense to look embarrassed, while Eloise looked thrilled. Cecilia wanted to pounce on Rainer, drag him into another room, and remind him how he should feel.

But what if she had staked her whole future on a man who was in love with their history? What if he couldn't love her out of context? What if she was only as compelling as the folklore they'd written together and without it there was no magic?

Cecilia shook out her hands as if she could rattle all her fears loose. She focused on Eloise. The look of triumph on her face wiped away any doubt that she was a victim of circumstance.

Vincent walked toward Cecilia with another glass of bubble wine in his hand. "Dearest, shouldn't we go wish our congratulations to the happy couple?" he said, trying and failing to contain his glee.

"Of course." Cecilia smiled, hoping it didn't look as tense as it felt, and took Vincent's arm, allowing him to corral her toward Rainer and Eloise. The crowd parted to make room for the king, several eyes lingering on her face as if waiting for her to break.

"Rainer, what happy news! I know this is just the next step in you claiming your rightful place at my side. Family is so important," Vincent said, squeezing Cecilia's waist.

Rainer looked shocked to see Cecilia. Guilt bubbled through their connection, and she sent peace and calm back. His face relaxed, but he rubbed his sternum, his brow pinched.

"Congratulations to you both. Rainer, I have no doubt you will be a wonderful, attentive husband. And Eloise, I hope you get everything you deserve," Cecilia said sweetly.

Eloise arched a brow. "I intend to."

"I do hope you'll excuse me from the merriment. I'm so exhausted these days," Cecilia said.

She knew Vincent wanted to argue, to make her stay and suffer longer, but he also knew how bad it would look if the queen-to-be fell asleep at the banquet table. The more people became aware of the Unsummoner bracelet's effects, the more questions they would raise—questions that Vincent wouldn't want to answer.

Cecilia turned on her heel and left the room. She didn't take a full breath until she'd rounded the corner and heard Xander and Isla's footsteps behind her. She ducked into a sitting room to catch her breath.

Panic swelled in her chest, her heart thundering like it might escape her ribcage. The air in the room seemed too heavy to draw in. Her vision narrowed.

Not now , she begged her body. But the sensations didn't relent.

If Rainer was there, he would hold her against his chest and make her breathe with him to slow it down. But he was in another room down the hall, kissing his new fiancée.

Cecilia struggled for air.

"Cece." Xander's voice sounded muffled and far away. He repeated her name louder, stepping in front of her, his hazel eyes wide with worry. He took her hand and brought it to his chest. "Breathe with me."

She squeezed her eyes closed and imagined Rainer soothing her. Her palm lifted as Xander took a deep breath and she tried to mimic it. It took several tries and all her concentration to slow and deepen her breaths. After a few minutes, her breathing matched Xander's and the darkness cleared from her vision, her tense muscles relaxing.

"I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed," she said.

Xander shook his head. "Don't be. They happen to me too—ever since the day I almost died."

"They do?"

Xander chuckled. "You'd love to hear that the first significant interaction I had with Jess was when she found me having one in my room. It was when I knew I'd have to pick one of the princesses. She rubbed my back and sang a song until it passed."

Cecilia stared at him, slack-jawed. Isla looked equally shocked.

"I know it's hard, but you are going to get through to Rainer. He's putting on a show now because that's the only part of himself he remembers, but he will remember you," Xander assured her.

She felt far less certain than she had at the beginning of the ordeal, but she held on to what hope she could the same way she held on to Rainer's certainty in that final moment. " I will always know you, Cecilia ."

"I know you're relying on me, but I'm not a lifeboat, Xander. I'm just out here treading water beside you, trying not to drown," Cecilia said.

He leaned his forehead against hers. "I know."

"You should tell her," Isla said. "We need her in on everything."

"Tell me what?" Cecilia asked at the same time Xander said, "Does now seem the best time?"

"If not now, when?" Isla asked.

Cecilia looked between the two of them, picking up a distinct tension that accompanied a lovers' quarrel. The two of them had fire in their eyes.

"Does this have something to do with why Jess is back inside the walls of this castle instead of far away where she'll be safe?"

Cecilia hadn't had a chance to ask Xander about it while they were busy trying to hustle Reese to safety, but the thought had been nagging at the back of her mind. The last thing they needed was another royal target for Vincent. Isla wouldn't be able to efficiently serve as a decoy if Jess's disguise wore off. And the fact that the plan relied on Cato's help made her even more anxious.

Finally, Xander's shoulders sagged, and he turned to face Cecilia. "I'd hoped for better timing—to tell you once we'd figured all of this out. I thought we would have by now, but with us still not certain who we can trust and Rainer getting sucked into Vincent's grip more each day, it's become necessary to keep her close."

Cecilia narrowed her eyes on him. He was sweating, wringing his hands. She had rarely seen Xander look so nervous.

"Necessary why?"

He chewed at his bottom lip. "Jess is pregnant. That's why she's back here and hidden. It's dangerous here but more dangerous if she's caught in a den of rebels. And she'll need more regular access to a skilled healer, preferably one who has delivered royal babies."

Xander stared at Cecilia, not moving, as if he expected her to throw a fit .

She could hardly contain her surprise. She knew that they'd reached an agreement, but she didn't realize that Xander had actually slept with his new wife.

A shocked laugh slipped out of her mouth. "Oh my gods?—"

"It was obviously a big surprise, and it's still very early?—"

Cecilia's eyes blurred with tears. She blinked them away to see a concerned pinch in his brow. "Oh my gods, Xander. You're going to be such a good father." She pulled him into a fierce hug. "You must be so thrilled."

Xander rubbed her back. "I am."

"Gods help us, that baby is going to be so cute," she said, blinking away a whole new flood of tears. "What about Jess? How is she feeling?"

Xander caught her face in his hands, studying her like a puzzle. "Cece?—"

"I know you didn't want to tell me because—" It was hard to say, and not just because Isla was watching them, but because Cecilia was torn between joy and grief. She didn't know how to explain herself.

Isla stood frozen, as if she'd accidentally walked into a snake pit and only now realized.

Cecilia placed her hands on Xander's chest. "You didn't want to tell me because you know that I can't have children and you were there when my heart broke about it. But breaking your own heart won't heal mine. You never need to hide your joy from me. I'm so happy for you."

Xander's face softened and he squeezed Cecilia's hand.

She sighed. "You have to stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?" Xander asked.

"Like you're waiting for me to fall apart, and you feel personally responsible. You have to release the guilt about being happy and the guilt about what Vincent did to me."

"How can I forgive it when I could have stopped it?" Xander asked, his eyes full of grief.

"I don't know how to absolve you more than I already have," Cecilia said. "It wouldn't have made a difference if you'd agreed to help Vincent. I would have been hurt all the same without him ever touching me. Let today be proof of that." She shifted, holding up her wrist with the Unsummoner bracelet. "All I want is to pull up something good because the memories are fresh and burned on the insides of my eyelids, so I see them each time I close my eyes—they're all bad. Vincent hurting Rainer. Vincent hurting me. Me begging you with my eyes not to give in and screaming in my heart for you to save me from something all while knowing it's inevitable. I want my power back not just so I can destroy him, but so I can stop destroying myself, Xan."

"Cece," he rasped.

Cecilia blew out a shuddering breath. "Vincent didn't do what you think he did."

Panic tore over his face and he held up his hands. "You don't have to?—"

"I do," she interrupted.

Isla took a step toward the door. "Maybe I should leave?—"

"No, stay." Cecilia met Xander's eyes. "It's hard for me to talk about. Like there's a block between my brain and mouth, but I have been trying to find the words. Vincent didn't rape me."

Xander let out a breath in a rush. He still looked doubtful.

"He threatened to. He wanted you both to think he had. But he cut his initials into my thigh and told me that he would do worse if I didn't scream. So I did. I wanted to tell you right away, but I was so terrified it was like I was trapped under water. I wasn't even present in my body until I realized he was going to try to kill Rainer and then I was so panicked. I just—" Tears burned Cecilia's eyes. "Xander, he didn't hurt me how you think, but the fear of it still lives in my body and I'm just trying to get it back. Not to mention that the only reason he didn't do it then is that he wanted to be able to continue to use it as an effective threat."

Isla looked sick. "He's disturbed."

"Every time you look at me, you look so guilty, and I just want you to stop feeling responsible for another man's violence," Cecilia said.

"I don't," Xander said, closing the space between them. He held his arms out and she curled into him and let him hug her. "Love, I have been so worried about you because you haven't said anything about it, and I just wanted to know that you're all right."

"I'm all right. But if we don't stop him, he and his men will continue to spread this violence and I refuse to let that happen," Cecilia said.

To her surprise, Isla came in behind her, wrapping the two of them in a hug.

"No one deserves to feel that terror. We are going to make him pay for this," Isla said softly.

"I have no doubt about that, but what if I lose Rain anyway?" The words slipped out without permission, the fear too large to contain, and Isla and Xander had no reassuring words to offer. "I thought I was getting through to him. He'd even started to smile…and now he's proposed to her."

Cecilia drew away, spinning her engagement ring on her finger.

Brave with my hand .

She wasn't feeling particularly courageous, but she pulled the ring off and held it up to the light to see the engraving inside the band, reminding herself of the second part of her spell for courage.

Brave with my heart .