Day Nineteen

Day Nineteen

Dear Amber,

I'm writing this letter to you to apologize to you. They have us write letters here to people we have wronged in the course of our addictions. I still don't think I am an addict, but yeah, there might be a problem.

I'm thinking of you because I treated you in a bad way, and also because I made a friend here, and she ran away. I miss her, and Imiss you.

I was thinking today that there are only two reasons I agreed to come here. One was that after you left the hospital that day, I was really afraid I would never get to be your friend again. You said if Ididn't do this, if I didn't try, that we would be over and done, because I had lied and betrayed you and hurt myself and in the process hurt you. And you were right. I was hurting the both of us. And I didn't want to lose you.

The second reason was that after you left, my parents did what they always do: they yelled and screamed at each other about whose fault I was, et cetera, et cetera, and if I'm being completely honest, I just wanted to get the hell away from the both of them. I think I actually said that to the counselor. I can't remember. It's all a little fuzzy now and I still had a lot of alcohol in my system.

Thank you for scaring the shit out of me by telling me you wouldn't be my friend. I know that's a weird way to put it, but it's true. And I'm sorry for the many ways I have hurt you. I have to accept that my actions might have ruined our friendship forever. That's on me.

It's all right if you don't write back. One of the counselors, Tracy, said that sometimes you care about people, but they slip away anyway, and you have to let them go. I don't feel that way about you, but I understand if you feel that way about me.

Love, bella

P.S. I met a boy. I know. I know. I'm the problem, it's me.

P.P.S. I'm going to make Fire tomorrow. I'm still not sure exactly what that means, but maybe someday I can tell you about it.