Day Seventeen

Day Seventeen

"Check-in time," Fran says. "Talk to me."

We are gathered in the group room, splayed out on the beanbags.

No one says anything. There's still no word on Holly.

"I know we're all worried," Fran says gently. "They're still searching. When we know anything, we will tell you."

"This sucks," Billy says.

"It does," Fran agrees. "Sometimes people run. Sometimes running is the only thing that seems like an option."

I feel like my heart is going to burst. I keep thinking about Holly out there, In December. In the cold. It's not like it's below freezing or anything here, but it still gets pretty cold at night. And she had nothing with her. And in the shower, she told me and Gideon she didn't like being alone. That she couldn't be alone, and what if—

"It's just—"

I stop myself.

Everyone's looking at me.

"Yes, Bella?" Fran says.

"It's just…I mean, what if she…I don't know. Didn't you notice her? The things she did? That she was—"

Beside me, Gideon nudges my arm.

Don't tell. Right.

I swallow. "Nothing. Forget it. I just feel terrible. And I feel ashamed."

"Ashamed?" Charlotte guffaws. "Why? It's not your fault. Girl was mad-mad. She snapped."

"She had a hard life, okay?" I say. "I feel stupid thinking about all my problems when hers were so much bigger, all right?"

"It's not a competition," Nick says.

"Yes, it is." Charlotte giggles. "Please, tell us your issues, Bella. I'm all ears."

"Shut—"

Fran holds up her hand, stopping me.

"Whatever problems you have, they're yours. They belong to you. And they are just as big to you as someone else's problem is to them. You can't compare experiences," she says. She takes a deep breath. "The problems in your lives are not going to go away just because you came here. We can't erase them. We can only give you some tools to help you deal with them in responsible, healthy ways. You'll live with what you live with for the rest of your lives. We're only asking that you not try to drown your problems. Drown yourselves. "

"Wait," Charlotte says. "You're going to read the poem, aren't you?"

Fran stands up. "Yes. Yes, I am."

"Oh god," Charlotte murmurs, closing her eyes. "I've heard this poem three times already."

"Shush," Nick says. "Let her cook."

—

Fran closes her eyes and begins to speak.

Something happened to you

It was awful, it was traumatic

Or maybe nothing happened to you

Whatever it is, if it is nothing, or

If it is something, it's still inside you

It still feels the same, a heaviness, a pain, a feeling of emptiness

It all weighs the same

So you smoke it down, or you choke it down

With whatever liquid drowns it quicker

You squeeze it into your veins to set you on sweet fire, burn it all down, burn it all down

You crunch, crush, mix it up, one on top of the other,

Four to twelve hours of bliss being NOT YOU

You become NOT YOU

But that is still you

Warped

Like a fun house mirror

You are still in there

And whatever the thing is that happened to you

Or the nothing that happened to you

It is still there, too

Because you can crush it smoke it squeeze it swallow it choke it down

But you cannot kill it

You cannot kill it

I am asking you:

Whatever lives inside you that is so great you must destroy it

Have you destroyed it yet?

Did any of the crush smoke squeeze swallow

Kill it?

No.

It is always there

It will always be there

I am asking you to face it

I am asking you to take it

And love it

Water it

Tend it

Talk to it

And tell it

We must live together

You and me

This pain

This nothingness

Because when you wake up after crushing smoking squeezing choking

It will always be there

You will still be that fist in your face

That scream in your ear

That one bad night or twelve

You will still be all the people who have died and left you here

You will still be alone

You will still be

You.

You must live in spite of all this.

Smash the fun house mirror

Stop the crush smoke squeeze choke

Be you in all your terrible things

All your lonely things

All your silences and screams

Be a human on this earth,

Unafraid

Of your heart-shaped glory.