Chapter 17

Harriet scampered out of the bath and snatched up the towel she’d left on a nearby chair. Once dry, she grabbed some padding to stop her courses, put on her trousers, and flung her shirt over her head before bolting from the room. She had to find him. She had to explain.

Barefooted, she ran to the room she suspected was his and proceeded to knock. No answer. She knocked again, then tried the handle. The door opened and she glanced inside the large space which was dwarfed by a massive canopy bed. Blast it, he wasn’t there. She shut the door and hastened toward the stairs.

This was precisely what she’d feared, only so much worse because they’d kissed. Had that been just a little over an hour ago? It was hard to imagine with everything turned upside down. Gone was the fondness with which Brody watched her, the heat in his eyes as he’d captured her mouth. In its place had been pure anger and hatred. He loathed her for the deception and who could blame him?

It had been wrong. She should have revealed herself before he discovered the truth. But when, and how, and at what potential cost? Until tonight she’d not believed she could trust him, and by then she’d realized it was too late. As soon as they’d kissed – the moment he’d let down his guard – she’d known confessing the truth could only lead to disaster.

And so it had, without her saying a thing.

Leaping off the second to last step, she landed in the foyer and dashed toward the parlor. This room, too, was empty. Perhaps he’d returned to the library? Not finding him there either and having checked the dining room for good measure, she approached the last remaining door. The one that led to his study.

Shaking from head to toe as a sudden chill gripped her, she struggled to catch her breath before giving the door a few raps. When no one answered, she eased it open and was instantly met by a furious scowl.

“I don’t have time for this now,” Brody said. Sitting behind his desk, he held a sheet of paper between his hands. “Go to bed. We’ll address your deviousness in the morning.”

She did her best to brush off his words and failed. The accusation, so harshly spoken, stung. Her eyes began to prick once again with a fresh onslaught of tears. Speaking without dissolving into a sniveling mess would be hard, but she had to try.

“I only want to explain why I did it.” When he said nothing, appearing instead to fight for some sense of calm, she stepped into the room and closed the door. It did not escape her notice that he remained seated, or that he refrained from inviting her to sit. Wringing her hands, she faced him – the man she loved beyond all else – and prayed she’d find the right words. “My sister and I are gentry.”

He snorted. “Another thing you lied about. How predictable.”

She took a deep breath and willed her heart into a steadier rhythm. Somehow, she’d get through this. “Not a lie, just something I never mentioned.”

“A deception nonetheless.”

“When Papa died,” she said, choosing not to quibble, “the property he owned went to my cousin. When he arrived a week after the funeral, my sister and I were promptly evicted from our childhood home. Papa hadn’t thought he’d die young. There wasn’t a will, so everything went to the next male heir. Unfortunately he had no interest in taking on the responsibility for two girls. He had his own family, you see, all now happily installed in the house I was born in.”

“Sounds like your cousin’s a coldhearted bastard,” Brody said, his voice tight. “But that’s no excuse for your behavior.”

“Despite being a young lady readying for her debut who lacked any knowledge of hard work, I had no choice but to seek employment,” Harriet went on, ignoring his comment for now. “Seeking a position back home where the townsfolk knew me was too humiliating. It also posed the risk of chance encounters with my cousin, which was something I couldn’t bear. Besides, I was of the opinion that there was more opportunity in London. Both for myself and Lucy.

“It’s also more expensive. Most of the money I’d managed to bring went to finding somewhere to live. This meant securing a job as fast as I could. Thankfully, I managed to find a position at a small florist, immediately off of Bond Street. The wages weren’t the best, but the woman who’d employed me was kind. I was happy there, until a gentleman customer took a liking to me and followed me home.”

Hands planted on his desk, Brody raised himself out of his chair and leaned forward, his strong arms bracing his body. “This had better end with you kicking him in the ballocks.”

“That’s exactly what I did.”

Brody lowered himself to his chair with a sigh, but kept his frown.

She continued, “I’d never before realized how vulnerable I was, having always had my father’s protection. When I started seeking a new position, I also found there were more positions available, many with much better wages, if I were a man.”

“What about a lady’s companion or governess? They earn good wages.”

“I was sixteen years old, without any London connections. The option wasn’t there. I asked, but I was too young and inexperienced. So with all of this taken into account, I decided to crop my hair and dress the part of a working-class boy. The disguise, if convincing, would keep me safe from scoundrels while helping me find better work.

“It wasn’t the big success I’d hoped it would be to begin with. I worked as a newsie, a chimney sweep, and a messenger before finally landing the delivery boy job at Hudson Co. Luckily, Mr. Hudson took a liking to me right away and gave me a chance to do better.”

“That still doesn’t explain…” He muttered something beneath his breath and bent his head. When he looked back up, his gaze was fierce. “You managed to do the unthinkable, Harriet. And you did so without a second thought.”

She shook her head. “You’re wrong about that. I did what I could to push you away, turning you down for a drink until I was forced to accept. After that, I tried to keep you at a distance, avoiding you to the best of my ability, but it was no use. You showed up at my door.”

“Because I cared for you and for your wellbeing.”

“I know.”

“You should have refused when I issued the invite for you to stay here. I mean, you must have known what might happen.”

“You’re right. But the thing of it is I was prepared to risk your anger and the loss of your friendship in order to put Lucy first.” Tears ran down her cheeks as she spoke, her voice raw. “She is my sister, my responsibility. It is my duty to do all I can to keep her safe and protect her from harm.”

He stared at her hard. “I’ll accept that. What I will not accept is you kissing me back.”

She had to agree. That had been a very severe lapse in judgement. “I’ve no excuse for it.”

Somehow, disappointment weakened his posture. He crossed his arms and nodded. “Then there’s nothing else left to say, is there?”

On the contrary, there was too much. So much she could not get her thoughts in order. Everything was a jumbled mess, her life included. She wished with all her heart she could go and comfort the man she’d wounded. Instead she said, “All I know is that I had to do it. Pushing you away wasn’t an option any more. I wanted you too much, even if it would only be for a moment.”

He stared at her, his expression annoyingly inscrutable. “So what was your plan? To tell me tomorrow you’d made a mistake and that it would be best for us just to be friends?”

“Something like that,” she admitted, feeling like a despicable cad all over again.

“In doing so, you would have wounded me all the same.”

“Perhaps, though not as much as I have now, I wager.”

He raked both hands through his hair before rising. Crossing to the sideboard, he poured himself a drink without offering her one, and downed the contents. When he turned to her, his gaze was once again hard as flint. “You have no faith in me, do you?”

Startled by the unexpected question, she instinctively stiffened. “What?”

“It must have occurred to you that I felt a bit more than a passing attraction when I arrived at your lodgings this morning.”

“I suppose so,” she admitted.

“And yet, when I invited you to come and stay at my home, you didn’t think to reveal your secret to me even after I told you my reason for working at Hudson Co?” When Harriet didn’t respond he said, “Do you honestly think I’d have been angrier then, than I am right now? Do you believe I’d have taken back the offer of helping your sister? Are you convinced I’d have gone to Mr. Hudson and snitched on you? Is that your high opinion of me?”

She couldn’t speak. He’d voiced every one of her fears. They’d seemed so reasonable before. Now they felt ridiculous. “I’m so sorry.”

“As am I, Harriet.” He gave her his back. “You made me question the man I believed myself to be. More than that, you caused me to think I’d be risking my life in order to be with the person you pretended to be. The emotional crisis that’s tormented me this past week is incomparable. Do you have any idea how many times I wished for you to be a woman?”

“Wait.” She couldn’t believe what he was saying. It made her feel like the world was once again tilting. “Are you saying you don’t have a preference for men?”

He clenched his jaw while glaring at her. “Exactly so. You are the first. Until we met, I’d only been attracted to women.”

Harriet’s blood froze in her veins. No wonder he was so furious with her. Good lord. He’d been ready to make an exception for Harry.

“Not that it matters,” Brody said. His anger seemed to subside a little, giving way to what looked like regret. “You clearly don’t trust me and I sure as hell don’t trust you. Without that, what chance do we actually have?”

None.

It felt like her heart had been cleaved in two. What a fool she’d been. This entire debacle was of her own making. She’d caused the pain they both felt in this moment. She and she alone. There was no one else to blame.

Inhaling sharply, she took a step back, retreating on shaky legs. She’d said what she’d come to say and it made little difference. Their relationship was still ruined. He wouldn’t forgive her.

Swallowing hard, she reached for the door, blindly fumbling for the handle while making up her mind to leave in the morning. Unfortunately, Lucy would have to suffer the consequence of her actions as well. She sniffed on that thought as regret tore her to bits.

Her hand connected with the doorknob. She stumbled a step and then squeaked when the door was pushed open, straight into her spine.

“What on… Dear me, I’m terribly sorry. Didn’t think anyone would be standing right there.” The words came from a gentleman who appeared to be more or less her own age. He grabbed her elbow, steadying her.

Brody sighed. “You’re punctual for a change.”

The other man shrugged. “I figured the situation might warrant a bit more gravitas than usual.”

“Since you’re here, I suppose introductions are in order,” Brody murmured. He frowned at Harriet, his scrutinous gaze making her very aware of her state of undress. “Finley, allow me to present Miss Harriet Michaels. Harriet, this is my brother, the Marquess of Losturn.”

“A pleasure,” Harriet said, crossing her arms, then uncrossing them again.

“Likewise.” Losturn smirked. An uncomfortable degree of interest lit up his eyes. He glanced at his brother. “I wasn’t aware you’d acquired a new mistress.”

“I haven’t.” Brody clipped the words.

“Just a one-night tumble then?” Losturn gave a thoughtful nod. “Makes sense, considering the finances and all that.”

“Finn…” Brody warned, his voice hard.

“You’ve clearly acquired a taste for something different, Brother.” Losturn grinned. “Are the men’s clothes and short hair a newly acquired fetish of yours?”

Harriet leapt back, barely managing to avoid getting trampled as Brody lunged for his brother. He grabbed him by the throat and shoved him against the wall.