27. Anna

27

ANNA

A rty visited Adam—turned up at his office and threatened him. Calm, law-abiding Adam Miller. Hairs lift on the back of my neck. I’ve been burying my head in the sand for the last week, acting like I’m living someone else’s life, but now it’s snapped into sharp relief.

There’s so much water under the bridge in my life, so many loose cannons like Arty Maroz, and now Adam’s asked his friend Fabian to help, and he can get into bank accounts ! It’s only a matter of time before Fabian finds out everything about me, everything that I had to do, and that’s not even the least of it: If he finds out more, he’ll be putting himself in real danger; Adam, too. Perhaps loneliness isn’t the worst thing in the world; perhaps being responsible for somebody else getting hurt is a lot worse. Being on my own is just one of the prices I pay for getting out of Russia, for the success I’ve been chasing all my life.

How could I put someone like Adam in danger? He’s the kind of committed friend who never backs down. To lose his friendship, I’d have to do something awful that would make him think I’d totally betrayed him. I sigh as I study the clay court at my feet. Should I tell him? But if I tell him about Konstantin, then he’d really be in the firing line because he would know … and nobody knows. Only the people who’ve been through it, like me, and we never talk about it. Never. And if I’m honest with myself, I don’t want him to find out that Anna Talanova, successful tennis player, is an illusion. Maybe my history means it’s inevitable that I’ll end up with a man who understands the system I came up through. Somebody like Arty or Pietr who doesn’t care about who or what I am, but just wants a trophy, someone they can say won a Grand Slam tournament and looks decorative on their arm.

I bounce the ball a few times on the asphalt and hammer a serve across the net to Ilov. It goes way outside the line.

“ Kontsentriruysya! What’s up with you?” he barks.

Ugh. I don’t even want to count the number of double faults today. I shake my head and walk over to the water bottle on the bench by the side of the court. We’ve lost Mila to a physio today and a consultation about an old knee injury. Thank God she isn’t here to watch me screw it all up.

Ilov jogs over to join me and runs a towel over his head, grabbing his own water.

“You okay?” he says more quietly.

I grin at him. “Don’t give me sympathy. Barking orders at me is better.”

“You’ve been on fire lately, Anna. Despite our conversation about Arty Maroz, you haven’t put a foot wrong these last couple of weeks: I haven’t had to bark at you at all. I take my hat off to you. That’s the expression, no?” His eyes are kind as he smiles at me.

I nod. I have been playing well. I’ve been pretending to play happy families with a man I can’t get attached to. “My concentration is shot today.”

“You want to take a break?”

I shake my head. My father’s mantra was always to soldier on. “If you can tolerate all the mistakes, let’s just hammer through it. Feel free to yell at me and give me grief. I’m just distracted.” I shrug. “I’ll try to put it aside.”

“ Otlichno! ” he says. “That is also good practice. It happens in matches, too.”

I nod and he adds, “It’s a joy every day to train with you, Anna. That’s why, when you make errors, I am surprised. ”

I laugh. He’s a good motivator. “I’ve got a feeling there’s going to be a lot of surprises today.”

After my tennis practice, I’m still mulling over what to say to Adam and getting nowhere, when a text drops into my messages.

That dog of yours need a walk?

This is immediately followed by:

I’m on my way home from the office and thought I’d take a detour via your place.

I sigh and turn my phone over in my hand. Then I type:

Text me when you’re close.

I’m waiting on the street with Pepper on a leash when Adam rounds the building on the corner. The paparazzi have melted away, along with Arty, but I’d be a fool to think Arty’s doing anything other than biding his time. Meeting him was a mistake.

Adam’s long loping stride eats up the sidewalk, his right hand tucked into his pocket as he moves. There’s something so sexy about it that I want to groan out loud. He’s hot in all these subtle, unintentional little ways.

His face lights up when he spots me standing on the sidewalk, and now I feel even worse.

He grins and nods down at Pepper, who’s going berserk jumping up and wagging her tail. “Was she raring to go? Expecting another blow-dry?”

I laugh.

He takes hold of my hand and tucks it into his elbow. “Where to?”

“Let’s just walk.”

Halfway up the block, as Pepper sniffs at everything she can stick her nose in, I clear my throat. “Adam, I think we should stop seeing each other.”

He turns toward me, frowning. “What? What do you mean? ”

“I think we should stop …” I gesture between us as a flush builds on my neck. “Doing this. Getting together, being friends.”

“Stop being friends?” He sounds incredulous, and I’m dumbstruck, too. The thought of not even seeing him even as a friend … That wasn’t really what I meant … I want to groan out loud. Why didn’t I plan this better?

“When we first met, I never thought of us getting together.” That’s a lie, Anna . “My life felt like such a mess. I’d just got through two bad relationships, and one of those guys was still harassing me, but now he’s also hassling you . I said to you at the beginning I didn’t want more or anything complicated. I think this is moving toward something I’m not ready for.”

Something flashes across his face. Like a wince of pain. Oh, sweet Jesus, I don’t want to do that to Adam. A flush is building on his neck, too.

“You also said we shouldn’t overthink this, that it was something you wanted to explore,” he says.

I close my eyes. I did say that.

“Anna.”

“That was before people started doorstepping you and Arty Maroz paid you a visit!”

“He’s an asshole, Anna. We’ll sort Arty Maroz out.”

“You don’t understand what we’re dealing with,” I mutter.

He folds his arms over his chest. “Why don’t you tell me what we’re dealing with?”

No. Nope. I can’t do that. Oh God, how am I going to persuade him? Do I have to hurt his feelings? Hot sweat drips down my spine. I’m in this disaster of a conversation now. The only way out is through.

“When we did the jujitsu in my gym, it took me by surprise. It was just friends, and then I did something stupid,” I say. “I persuaded you. I rolled my hips into you. And you were right to be cautious.”

His fists clench by his side. “It wasn’t just you, Anna. I didn’t need any persuading in case you’ve forgotten.”

“Whatever, I …”

“It wasn’t stupid.” He clears his throat. “Am I something stupid to you?” His voice is gruff and angry, and it cuts through my skin like a barbed wire. I’ve never seen Adam angry before.

“No. No of course not.”

“It sounds like it.”

“You said you had a bad relationship in college, and I …”

“Don’t make this about me. If you want to finish things, fine, but this is not about me.”

“I know she turned on you, I …”

He clenches his fists. “Who told you that? Janus? Did he tell you what happened?”

When I shake my head, he says, “Yes, she turned on me, much like you’re doing right now.” And the barb is like a stab to the heart. You lose people, Anna, and it always hurts .

I shake my head at him. “I messed up my practice today,” I blurt out.

His head tips back and he closes his eyes, and I watch his throat move as he swallows. When his eyes come back to meet mine, they’re wounded and dark like bottomless pools. I wince.

“I’m sorry, Anna, I’m really sorry to hear that,” he says, clearing his throat. “I’d never want to be a distraction to you.”

As I open my mouth to say that it wasn’t him, that it was all my fault, that I’m being a brat, he turns on his heel and heads down the street like he can’t bear to be in my presence a moment longer. Pepper’s tail droops, and she lets out a soft whine.

Watching him go, still looking as sexy as he did when he was heading toward me, makes my heart somersault in my chest. Well, I fucked that up but good. I want to run after him and tell him he’s everything I need, that I’ve been happy, not lonely, perhaps for the first time ever. That I messed up my practice only because I knew I had to have this conversation, and I’ve screwed up practices many, many times before and he’s made me feel strong, powerful, able to do anything. Put my bad relationship history behind me. He’d laugh at that in his cute, self-deprecating way and tell me I was strong and powerful before I met him and it wasn’t anything to do with him .

How could I be so unkind to such an amazing guy?

But I have no right to keep him close. It’d be like cursing the best, most loyal person I know. I can’t do that. He doesn’t deserve to get on their radar. He doesn’t deserve Arty and all these other scumbags in his life, being exposed to Russia through association with me. Hiding and dodging the press while his business slowly implodes.

If I was any kind of decent person at all, I would stay well away from Adam Miller. So why does it feel like the worst decision in the world?