Chapter Nine

CHAPTER NINE

BEAU

T he memorial service takes place on an unfairly beautiful October day. Not one cloud smudges the large expanse of blue sky. A gentle breeze blows over the farm, carrying the fresh scent of the citrus groves from deeper on the property. My father would’ve loved the day. He would’ve smiled, tipped his head to the sky, and said no rain today, son.

Sometimes I miss him so deeply my heart aches with it. I’ll never hug him again. Never feel his large palm slapping my back after a job well done. I’ll never pick blueberries off the bush and eat them from the palm of his hand like I did as a child. So many memories now only in my mind. My memories of him are now just a perfect time capsule.

Easily five hundred people dot the property. Just for the memorial alone.

To say I’m overwhelmed would be a gross understatement.

I grip Trevor’s hand tightly as we join my family at the front. Rows and rows of chairs are full, and at least two hundred people stand at the back. Workers with their hats off, held to their chest in respect. It’s easy to forget how loved my family is, how ingrained in the community we are. But moments like this when everyone rallies around us, the reminder is bittersweet.

Colby joins us in the front row, along with his parents, and on the other side of me, my mother grips Uncle Patrick’s hand like a lifeline.

I keep a firm hold on Trevor’s hand, afraid if I let go, I’ll fall apart. His hand is a steadying weight as he tries to carry some of the emotional baggage of the day. Trevor’s smile is tremulous as he aims it at me, but I’m grateful for it all the same. Thankful for him. Just his presence beside me brings me stark relief.

The service doesn’t last long thankfully because I’m not sure I could withstand too much. A local pastor speaks fondly about my father’s life, and I fight back tears the entire time. When it’s my turn to get up, to stay a few words, I can’t. I’m frozen to the spot. Andy looks at me in confusion, but I can’t physically move. For the first time in my life, my body won’t let me stand.

Colby squeezes my shoulder hard as he stands, then heads towards the makeshift stage. He says a few words of thanks that filter in and out of my brain without absorbing them. The service is over in what feels like the matter of minutes.

Trevor attaches himself to me, holding me up when my knees feel too weak to bear my weight. A good old southern meal follows the service, under the open barn reserved for special events. Andy’s wedding had just been here months ago. Now the place is sullied by the loss of my father.

I don’t remember eating, but I assume I do because Trevor takes a plate from me with a tender smile. His hand is warm in mine, keeping me rooted to the earth when I so badly want to float away. To disappear. Just see my dad one more fucking time.

The hundreds of people slowly trickle out until just close family is left. Unable to not stay busy, to not do something, I start to clean up, but Trevor’s hand comes down hard on my arm.

Trevor’s eyes are sharp as he squeezes my forearm. “Don’t.”

I squeeze my eyes tightly shut to blot out the day, to just forget everything.

Colby joins us with an understanding look. “Why don’t you both go home, it’s been a long day.”

The walk to the car is silent. Tension radiates off me in painful waves, tightening my jaw, pulsing in my veins. Once we’re alone it eases, as if Trevor’s presence alone is enough to calm the terribleness of the day. Maybe it is.

Closure doesn’t feel as good as I expected. On the way back home, our fingers stay interlocked, the heat of Trevor’s skin blending into me. Every now and then he rubs his thumb across my knuckles, sending little sparks dancing along my skin. His touch is a comfort like a warm blanket, fresh out of the dryer. An inexplicably simple thing but it carries such taut relief. Sadness a tidal wave over me, grief the ugly destruction in its wake, but having Trevor eases the ache, making it somehow easier to withstand.

This man made one of the worst days of my life bearable.

Everything with him is real.

Nothing about Trevor feels remotely fake. Not anymore.

“Trevor,” I whisper into the pitch black when we park in front of the house.

“Yeah?”

“I want you.”

His smile is blinding, although it doesn’t reach his eyes. “You’ve got me.”

“No, you don’t get it. I want you.”

Disappointment floods Trevor’s face. “Oh.”

“But not just for sex,” I hurry to explain, needing him to understand. “I want to hold you, kiss you, and hold you tight while you dream. I want it all. I want everything.”

Trevor’s fingers bite hard into the skin of my forearm, almost hard enough to break skin. His breath audibly caught in his chest, sounding painful to my ears. The breath releases with a whiny, angry whistle. For a moment I wonder if I’ve misstepped, only until he closes his eyes tight on a shaky inhale.

“It’s real for me,” Trevor admits, fear coloring his voice.

“Can I have you?”

A hush falls over the cab of the truck for a moment. Trevor’s gaze pings back to mine. Something in his dark gaze fills me with unease. “I can’t promise you anything beyond tonight. Will you be happy with just tonight?”

“I’ll be happy with just one millisecond holding you.”

Trevor laughs softly, but it’s fake. It’s easy for me to tell now, the difference between real Trevor and fake boyfriend Trevor. He blinks open his eyes to aim those gorgeous baby blues at me, freezing me to the spot. “And that’s why this feels so fucking real. For today, I really am your boyfriend. Okay? For today.”

“Okay.” I tug him until his warm weight presses into me, until he’s carefully straddling me in the tight quarters of the truck. The weight of him against me settles something in my uneasy soul. Solid and firm. Trevor’s not a small man at all, but he’s small when he’s in my arms. “Kiss me, Trevor.”

Trevor’s eyebrow arches, lips tilted up in a sexy smirk. “Is that how this is gonna go?”

“Yeah.” I tug him down until he’s only a breath away. “Now kiss me.”

The kiss is soft, a gentle glide of lips. Slowly the kiss deepens, until I feel like I’m falling into him. Everything spins around me, so I grab him tight, my fingers pressing into his hips, surely hard enough to bruise. The weightless feeling inside my cavernous chest urges me to hold on tighter, to keep us both grounded to the earth.

Trevor pulls away from me panting, hair a messy halo around his face. “Take me inside?”

Problem is I don’t know if I can quit kissing him long enough to leave the truck. I figure I can do both things. Trevor laughs into my mouth as I back him up towards the door, devouring his mouth the entire way. God, the taste of him makes me crazy, makes me reckless, makes me need .

His mouth is the best thing I’ve ever tasted. He tastes like the end of a long time waiting, like all wishes fulfilled, but he mostly tastes like mine . The thought might be dangerous, but it’s so very real. At least for tonight.

A tortured whine drops from his wet lips when I pull away slightly to kick the door closed behind us. His hands run up my back to tightly grip my shoulders. A wicked smile spreads across his mouth and his eyes dance with mischief. My God, he’s beautiful.

“Take me to bed, Beau.”

I love the way he says my name. The word floats from his lips easily, with a deeper meaning I can’t decipher. Sliding my hands down his back, my hands cup his ass for a moment. A relieved sound escapes him when I slip my hands down to his thighs and lift so that he’s forced to wrap his legs around my waist. And he goes, just like that. His long legs wind around me like they were made to be there. Maybe they were.

Trevor trails his lips down my neck, grazing his teeth along my overheated skin. When he bites gently on the tendons of my neck, I almost lose my grip on him. Once we reach my bedroom, I haphazardly toss him onto the bed. A small, delighted huff escapes him as he bounces on the bed. He leans up on his elbows to aim a coy look at me through his blond eyelashes. Perfect teeth press down on his bottom lip, and that just won’t do. If anyone’s going to bite one of his lips, it’s going to be me.

My suit jacket falls in a flurry after I toss it to the floor without a care in the world. I start to undo my dress shirt, but Trevor shakes his head, and scoots to the edge of the bed. He wiggles his fingers for me to come closer, so I do. Nimble hands run up my chest. Slowly, making my heart flutter dangerously, he undoes the buttons of my shirt, one by fucking one. Trevor gazes up at me the entire time, so much heat in his eyes that I’m afraid the house might burn down. Those baby blues will be my undoing. Being undone by Trevor is as close to heaven as I’m probably ever going to get.

He pushes my shirt off, fingers trailing softly along my skin, and pulls my undershirt over my head, so I’m left shirtless in just my dress slacks. A couple of beats pass by as he just stares at my chest, as if he hasn’t seen me naked before. But this is in a different context, so maybe it means more now. I can’t be sure. All I know is I’ll die if my lips aren’t on his while he’s got that look on his face.

Placing my knee on the bed, I lean forward until he’s forced to fall back. Blond hair fans out beside his head, a little mussed from the day, but he’s still so effortlessly gorgeous. He’s perfect, and for tonight, for this small sliver of time, he’s all mine. One hand lifts up to gently cup my face, and his eyes shift between mine, searching me for an answer to some unknown question.

“You gonna make me yours, Beau?”

I nod against his hand, placing a dry kiss to his palm. “I’m gonna show you.”

He arches one single eyebrow. “Show me what?”

“What it’s like to be loved, sweetheart.”

Trevor gasps sharply, closing his eyes so tight it looks borderline painful. He takes a few deep, calming breaths, then opens his eyes to aim those startling baby blues at me.

“Call me Levi,” he whispers, eyes once again searching mine. “That’s my real name.”

Oh. The tension in his body, flush on his cheeks, alerts me to the fact that he doesn’t tell many people that truth. It’s an honor for me to know his real name, know the real him. Behind Trevor’s fake boyfriend persona is a man that so desperately needs to be loved.

I kiss him in thanks for trusting me with his secret. Running my hand up and down his arm to calm him as best I can, he shivers underneath me despite still being fully clothed. I undress him without taking my lips from his, which is a particular skill I never knew I had. Maybe it’s a skill just for him, just for this grand moment.

I devour him as I kick out of my own clothing. Licking into his mouth, I attempt to memorize the flavor of him, the flavor that’s all mine. When I press down on him to line up our hard cocks, he bucks against me, letting out a pained cry that I eagerly swallow down.

“Shhhh,” I whisper into his mouth, desperately trying to soothe him.

He gives me a jerky nod, eyes firmly shut. I rain loving kisses over his cheeks, his closed eyes, his forehead, while running my fingers through his silk-soft hair. I kiss him and kiss him, ignoring how hard both of us are. Finally, it’s too much for him. Need vibrates from his body and his hips restlessly buck up into mine, seeking friction, seeking pleasure. Time to give in.

Reaching into the nightstand, I clumsily fumble around until I return with a condom and lube. Levi lets out a relieved sigh at the sight of the supplies.

“Next time, I’ll eat your ass until you’re begging for it, but tonight I’ll just use my fingers, get you nice and wet, then slip inside you like you were made for me. Alright, sweetheart?”

Levi squeezes his eyes tightly shut for a moment, before nodding, blinking those gorgeous eyes back open to take me in. He watches, gaze heavy, eyes lidded, as I gently press a lubed finger inside him. A gasp rattles out of him as he bears down, welcoming me like I was made to be there. I go slow, gently gliding my finger in and out, getting him used to the feeling of having me inside him. But I must go too slow, despite the hazy glow of the evening, because he tangles his fingers in my hair and tugs my gaze to meet his.

“You better get inside me or I’m going to lose my shit,” Levi demands, voice throaty and full of warning.

I shake his hand from my hair and teasingly bite his thumb. He hisses as I let go. Shifting onto my knees, I roll the condom on, and lube myself up. Levi’s eyes are hot on me the entire time, watching, and waiting for my next move.

I lean over him, one forearm braced beside his head. “Like this?”

Levi nods and firmly presses his lips to mine. I hook his leg over my arm, lifting so that I can notch my cock against his entrance. He welcomes me easily, like he was made for me, like I was made for him. I kiss him through the slow glide home, until my hips are pressed flush against his ass. He whimpers softly into my mouth.

I rock into him, gently, more of a grind than a thrust. He pants against my mouth, eyes wide, fingers making half-moon indents into my shoulders. Curling a hand into his hair, I hold on tight, and kiss him through the slow pace I set. I could go like this all night, just making love to him, eating his whimpers and moans and every breathy exhale that tells me Levi is actually enjoying himself.

“Beau,” Levi whimpers against my cheek when I turn my head to pant against his shoulder. “Beau, please.”

The “please” is what does me in. That single word is what makes me a fool. I turn back to him and tangle both hands in his hair this time, forcing him to keep his gaze on me as I increase the pace of my thrusts. Every couple of thrusts I swivel my hips, stretching him, rubbing against the spot inside him that makes him see stars. His thighs tighten on me each time until finally they’re trembling against my sweat-slick ribs.

His heels kick against my thighs as I stop going slow, stop taking my time, and thrust inside him all the way, only to pull out slowly, and keep the pace up until he looks almost delirious. Gorgeous splotches of crimson bloom across his cheeks, so I kiss them, because I have to taste his flushed skin.

Fingers bite into my skin so hard that I think I might bleed. He lets out a loud gasp, more shock than pleasure, before stilling underneath me with wide, almost frightened eyes. I’m afraid for a moment before I feel his warm release splashing between us. He came untouched. Levi goes absolutely boneless underneath me. I start to pull out but a firm hand on my neck holds me in place.

“Where are you going?” Levi mumbles, all sex drowsy and sweet.

“Pulling out, you came.”

Levi shakes his head tiredly. “Finish inside me. I want it.”

Jesus Christ. My hips flex before my brain can even catch up. I grind into him, conscious of his oversensitivity, and only a few thrusts later my orgasm crashes through me. My orgasm is borderline violent in its intensity. I know it’s because of Levi. He lets out a satisfied sound, a smile tugging at his lips. I nuzzle into his neck and breathe the clean, summer scent of him in. My Levi.

I pull out of him as gently as I can, careful the condom doesn’t slip off. On shaky feet, I walk to the bathroom, turn the shower on, and take care of the condom. I lean back on my heels to check on Levi and find him still spread out in an exhausted heap on the bed.

I head back into the bedroom and lean over him on the bed. Blue eyes blink up at me, still a little glazed. A chuckle escapes me at the sight of him. I tenderly push his messy hair from his face.

“Wanna join me in the shower, sweetheart? Let’s get all clean before bed.”

“I cannot go again,” Levi mumbles in disappointment, eyebrows furrowed. I wonder how often he’s allowed to say no, how often things are demanded of him that he doesn’t want to give.

“Not a sexy shower, just a get-clean shower.”

He easily lets me manhandle him out of bed and into the bathroom, every ounce of fight bled out of him by the orgasm. The bathroom is thick with steam. Sliding the glass door open, I push him through, then quickly follow him inside. I carefully push him under the water, tilting his head back for him so that I can wash his hair. He stares at me the entire time, through shampooing, conditioning, and finally rinsing. I rush through washing my own hair, then return my attention to him.

My fingers skim over his body behind the loofah, memorizing every dip, every muscle, every sun freckle that I can find. His stomach contracts at my touch, all the muscles dancing under my curious fingers.

“Beau,” Levi murmurs sleepily.

I can only smile at him and position us so we’re under the spray of the shower at the same time. The water rinses us clean, but we stay there for a little while longer, until I’m afraid the water might turn cold. I run the towel over his miles of skin until he’s dry, then he takes the towel from me to dry me off next. Once dry, he stands in front of the mirror for a moment, inspecting his reflection with a shrewd intention. As if he’s lived here all his life, he rattles through my drawers until he returns with a brush that I haven’t used in years. Haven’t needed really.

After his hair is thoroughly brushed, he tiredly stumbles towards the bed, and faceplants on the sheets with a heavy groan. Chuckling, I pull the duvet over him and join him under the sheets. Levi quickly turns over to wiggle himself into my arms, pressing his body tight against mine. A smile creeps across my face without me even realizing.

“Night, Levi.”

His breath puffs against my chest, fingers pressed tight to my back. “Night, Beau.”

“Beau.”

My whispered name wakes me up in the middle of the night. When I open my eyes, I’m greeted by the sight of Levi leaning over me. His hair is a mess but he’s so beautiful my heart hurts with the force of it.

Levi straddles me under the sheets, his warm, naked body sliding against my own. His hard cock brushes against me, forcing a hiss of pleasure from my lips. He leans down close to my face in the dark. Lips brush against my own softly with both of our eyes wide open.

“Will you make love to me?” Levi asks, voice hush quiet.

My hands tighten painfully on his hips. “That’s what you want?”

He nods softly, hair brushing my face. “Show me.”

Levi scoots back a little to grab a condom and lube off the nightstand. When he settles back down on me, he wastes no time wrapping the condom around me, then slathering me with lube. He reaches back to prep himself, and I cup his ass in my hands, spreading his cheeks to make it easier for him. A moan of pleasure rattles through him at my rough touch.

A frustrated sound escapes him just before he kneels over me. I wrap my hand around his neck, my other on his hip to support him as he takes me into his warm body. This feels different than earlier. There’s an edge of urgency to Levi’s movements.

I sit up so that he’s nestled in my lap, so I can see his face more clearly. Tears swim in his eyes. I want to take his pain away, ease his sadness. I tangle my fingers in his hair and tug him close as he grinds down onto me. Small sounds of pleasure escape him each time he grinds down onto my cock. His fingers dig into my biceps, holding on as he takes me so deeply inside him that I wonder if he’ll feel me for days afterward. He feels so good, pleasure rapidly builds at the base of my spine, demanding insistently that I come, but I push my pleasure away to focus on him.

“Tell me.”

Haunted eyes flit quickly between mine. “I wish this was real.”

“It is real.” His cock is burning hot against my skin when I tightly squeeze at the base, tearing a gasp from him at my almost too rough touch. “Doesn’t it feel real to you?”

Levi nods, then immediately shakes his head, indecision floating off of him in thick waves. I don’t know how to fix this, how to reassure him that what I feel for him is real, despite the reality of our fake boyfriend situation. Nothing about this is fake anymore. It hasn’t been since he returned and held me as I wept with awful grief.

“Do you want me? Really want me?” Levi asks as I flip us over, voice small and thready. His hair fans on the pillow around his head, making him the picture of an angel. Fallen from heaven just for me to love.

“Sweetheart, I don't know what you’re asking of me.”

Levi raises his hand to cup my cheek, imploring me to hear him. “Do you think you could actually really want me?”

Even though I don’t know what he’s asking for, I give him the answer that my heart says is right. The answer that feels right in the very depths of my sorrowful soul.

I press a kiss to the skin over where his pulse pounds, finally lightly kissing the very hollow of his throat. “I want you so much it hurts. I want you for keeps.”

An anguished cry leaves his lips when I pull out, only to slam back in, hitting that spot that makes him see stars. I kiss him, eating at his mouth, needing to taste his pleasure as I pummel into him over and over. Tomorrow, he needs to feel this, have the reminder of me deep inside his body. Keeping one hand in his hair, I use the other to drag his thigh up higher against my side, deepening the angle until we both moan at the feel. God, he feels like heaven.

“Beau,” Levi begs, voice broken. “Make me come.”

“Not yet,” I whisper, voice firm.

He claws helplessly at my back. “Please.”

I’m not ready for it to be over. Not by a long shot. That goes for everything with Levi beyond this moment too. Levi’s eyes are glassy as he stares up at me, lip caught between his teeth. God, the way he looks at me could end me. Suddenly, my orgasm means nothing, only his pleasure matters.

“You want to come?”

Levi nods rapidly, a deep flush across his chest and neck. “Please.”

Grabbing his still lube-covered hand, I lower it to his cock, helping him wrap his trembling fingers around himself. “Make yourself come, then.”

I rise to my knees and tug him higher up into my lap, changing the angle in a way that has a delicious moan falling from his kiss-bitten lips. I slowly grind my cock into him, his eyes flutter closed at the ecstasy of it. His hand tugs furiously at his cock with each of my thrusts, perfectly timed with me. The tendons in his throat pull taut as pleasure races to overtake him. An absolutely mad urge to see him come, see him fall apart overtakes me.

Even in the dark of the bedroom, everything about Levi is achingly gorgeous. I wish I could take him into my mouth, edge him for hours, feel his trembling thighs around my shoulders as I take him to the very brink. Next time, because there will be a next time. His head arches back to reveal the gorgeous line of his throat just in time for him to come with a silent cry. The fierce pleasure etched across his face almost undoes me.

My teeth grind together when he tightens around me like a vise, his cum painting his fingers and chest. The sight of his head tipped back in blissful pleasure sends me hurtling towards my own borderline violent release. I’ve never had sex like this before, felt such an easy connection with someone. This is true intimacy. And he’s going to leave. I’m going to lose him too.

I tilt onto my hands with a soft grunt, cock still gently thrusting in and out of him as my orgasm slowly wanes. Levi lies there, still as a marble statue, while I delicately clean us up so we can fall back asleep.

His lips move softly against my own, my favorite kind of kiss. Sometimes a kiss says more than a million words. His kiss hushes the runaway thoughts threatening to send me careening off the cliff. His kiss grounds me, the taste of him something I know I won’t forget for years to come. Mouth familiar and soft to mine, his lips quiet my brain, quiet my terrifying worry about the impending doom of morning.

Levi blinks slowly when I pull away to tug him into the safe cage of my arms. “You said for keeps.”

My heart pounds as I run a comforting hand up and down the damp skin of his back. “Sweetheart.”

“It’s real for me,” Levi murmurs, shivering hard.

Those are the last words Levi says to me. Because when I wake up, the sheets are cold, and every trace of him is gone. The odd sense of losing two people overwhelms me, momentarily breaking down the walls I so carefully built up over the years.

First my father.

Now Levi.

Will anyone ever stay?