Chapter Eleven

CHAPTER ELEVEN

BEAU

L ife goes on. Swimming through grief for my dad while simultaneously missing Levi is a double-edged sword of seemingly unending pain. Plus, Colby is still going through it over Marcus, so I’m back to the standard of being everyone’s rock. While absolutely no one is there for me.

I think about Levi far more than is healthy. I wonder where he is, if he’s happy, if he thinks of me. The stark loss of him rattles around my now oddly empty rib cage. Does he feel the loss of me too? Wherever he is, does he feel the pull that I feel when I reverently whisper his name right before falling asleep? Months ago he called me, just once, and hearing his voice felt like a lightning strike straight to my heart. But words aren’t enough to tell him to come back to me. For real.

Despite the workday being over, there’s always more to do. The past few weeks I’ve been working on a secret project. A lush garden is slowly coming to life in my backyard. The wooden pallets have been built, the dirt put in, and now I get to do the rewarding part. Planting.

Ten gardenia bushes fill the back of my truck. Special order from across the country in California. Some new breed that’s supposed to have double the blooms. My mama has always loved gardenias. She says they’re the southern flower of love, the southern rose. Filling my garden with gardenias is all I can do in hopes that they’ll bring love back to me.

The sun bears down on me, breaking sweat out across my neck, under my shirt, any place sweat can reach. Swiping my ball cap off, I run my forearm over my forehead to catch some of the sweat threatening to drip down my flushed face. Birds sing in the forest behind my house, happy with the humid air and bright sunshine.

A sudden whistle startles me so badly that I almost scream. When I slowly turn around, a smirking Andy strolls toward me with her hands on her hips. Dark curls up in a bun, torn denim shorts, and a faded T-shirt, she looks just like she does in all my childhood memories. Just a little older now, more of a woman than a rambunctious child following me around the farm.

“What’s going on here?” she asks, eyes carefully surveying my garden.

“Ain’t you ever seen a garden before?”

Andy rolls her eyes dramatically. “Duh, loser.”

I take a swipe at her with my dirty hands, but she dips out of reach, laughing loudly at my brotherly antics. “No, but seriously, what’s with three plots of gardenias? Mama said you special ordered them through the farm account, then brought them back here. What’s up?”

Needing to tell her the truth bubbles painfully inside me. A few weeks ago, I’d told Colby, and something inside me had snapped a little. Freedom from the shackles of a lie that I don’t regret, but that still hurts to bear. Her eyes are shrewd as she stares at me, waiting for me to give up the truth.

“I planted them for Trevor,” I tell her, the truth as easy as breathing.

Confusion clouds her expression for just a moment before her lips form a perfect oh . “I never asked after the funeral… you’re not much of a talker. I assumed when we didn’t see him again that something happened.”

“I hired him.”

A myriad of expressions flick over her face before settling on confusion once again. “You hired him?”

I nod slowly, putting my hat back on to prevent the sun from beating so hard down on me. “A fake boyfriend.”

“Fake boyfriend,” Andy repeats slowly, clearly trying to understand. “Like from one of my books?”

“Basically.”

“Huh.” She takes a step closer, then gently pats my bicep. “You tell Mama?”

“No,” I say loudly.

“Alright, alright.” Her eyes sweep across the burgeoning garden, gaze a little misty. “You need help? I’ve got some time.”

The offer is sweet, but I need to do this alone. Only a handful of days with him rooted him inside my chest, like one of these plants.

“No help. I need to do this on my own.”

“Fair.” Andy nods at the bushes lined up along the raised beds. With a soft smile, she wanders over to steal a gardenia bloom off the plant. Lifting it to her nose, she takes a deep inhale, smile growing as she lowers it back down. “Reminds of being a kid.” She spins the bloom in her fingers, then raises her distant gaze to mine. “Pops always grabbed them off the bush out back, putting them in a glass bowl so that the entire kitchen smelled like them. The smile on Mama’s face was always so blinding when he did that.”

A rock forms in my throat at the mention of Pops. The loss of him still feels so visceral, like not much time has passed at all. If it feels that way for me, I can only imagine how it feels for Andy and Mama.

“How’s Ethan?”

A frown forms on Andy’s face as she keeps spinning the flower between her fingers. “The Mediterranean; that’s all I know. The life of a Navy wife.”

“And you didn’t want to go with him?”

Andy shakes her head firmly. “Wasn’t an option since he’s out to sea. Plus, I don’t know, I kind of wanted to stay here with everything going on.”

“I’ve got it all handled here just fine, sis.”

Her eyes lift to mine, assessing in a way I’ve never felt before. I bristle under her stare just a little, unable to meet her too-knowing gaze.

“You’ve handled everything for so long, Beau. It’s not fair for you to keep doing that.”

“I’m used to it.”

Andy scoffs. “That’s the whole damn point. Maybe it’s time for you to stop worrying about taking care of everyone else and steal some of the joy for yourself for once. You hear?”

“My life is pretty joyful.”

“Is it?”

Andy skewers me with a hard, borderline angry stare before grabbing another bloom from the bush. Walking back over to me, she lifts onto her tiptoes to place a kiss against my sweat-slick cheek.

“I love you so much, Beau. I hope this garden brings you all your wishes.”

Only one wish is my goal. I don’t know how to tell her that though. A blaze of dirt sprays behind her truck as she leaves me behind.

The heat of the sun lessens as the day goes by, making it easier to finish planting the gardenia bushes. By the time I’m finished, the smell of their blooms is so heady that a smile creases my lips. For just a brief moment, I imagine showing this to Levi. The smile on his face would rival the eight wonders of the world, I know it. Making him smile was one of the most joyful experiences of my life. God, I hope I get to do it again one day.

“You’re extra quiet tonight.” Joey pointedly clinks his beer with mine to bring my attention back to him.

The downtown brewery is busy, scattered families and couples loud for Friday night. Once a month I get together with my best friends to catch up on our lives. Seems a little silly considering both of them work at the farm. But it’s a tradition we’ve always had since we were old enough to drink, so it seems pointless to end it now.

“I’m always quiet,” I reply seriously.

Joey scrunches his nose up in blatant disagreement, dark curls dancing in the breeze. “I said extra quiet.”

“Hmm.” Taking a sip of my beer, I lean back harder against the metal chair.

“You started without me?” Lee complains with a huff as he takes the seat beside Joey.

Joey slides the beer he ordered for Lee across the table, eyes firmly on our best friend. The tension at the table rockets for just a moment, then dials back down when Lee takes a grateful sip of the beer.

“Thanks, my favorite.”

Joey stares at Lee for a brief moment, then drags his gaze from Lee, settling it back on me. “I know.”

“Are we all just going to drink and stare at one another?” Lee’s gaze flits over the crowd as he sips at his beer.

“We’re not staring at one another,” I point out.

Lee fake laughs. “Beau, the jokester.”

“You know me.” I smirk softly, enjoying the gentle ribbing.

“Savi starts first grade in just a few weeks.” Joey pulls out his phone to show us a picture of his six-year-old as if we don’t see her frequently at the farm. Slim to none passing up seeing a new photo though.

Her grin is just as wide as Joey’s, curls just as dark, but her light green eyes belong solely to her mother. A truly awful woman that I could never stand and can stand even less now that she’s putting Joey through a hellishly contentious divorce. Joey is an amazing man, one of my very best friends, and he married a pregnant Danica after dating only a few months. The man is a saint.

“First grade.” Lee stares down at the photo, throat bobbing, before taking another slow sip of his beer. “Seemed like she was just born the other day.”

“Yeah,” Joey agrees fondly.

“Divorce final yet?” I ask, trying to be delicate, to not put pressure on what was a gaping wound just a few months ago.

Joey sighs loudly, obviously still frustrated. “Mostly. Just finalizing up the custody split now. I want fifty-fifty but Danica wants sole custody. She makes everything so damn difficult.”

“You need anything from us?” Lee angles his body on the metal chair to fully face Joey and puts a gentle hand on Joey’s shoulder.

They’ve always been more touch oriented than me. Even back in high school. Lee and I were some of the only queer kids at our small rural school. Lee’s closeted though, was back then too, whereas I had the support of family to come out, Lee most definitely did not. Coming out didn’t go as well as it could’ve considering I was the star quarterback, but it’s over now. Life goes on. Lee though, I’m not sure he’ll ever have the comfort of coming out. No matter how much support I offer him.

The thing is that Lee’s parents aren’t as accepting as mine and Colby’s. His dad is a real piece of work. Most evenings when we were kids, Lee was at my family’s table for dinner, then at my house for sleepovers. I guess that’s what happens when your dad is known as the town drunk. An angry drunk at that. I can’t blame Lee for living life in the closet, not with the drama his father can so easily bring. All I can do is be his friend.

“I heard about your secret gardening project,” Joey teases, eyes full of amusement.

I grunt. “Andy?”

Joey nods rapidly, then taps his beer against mine. “She loves to tattle.”

My heart thuds dangerously in my chest. “She say anything else?”

Joey’s head cocks to the side, his eyes narrowing at me in question. “No. Should she?”

“Nope.” I bottle everything back up and focus on the chilled beer in my hand.

The guys know when I’m done, no more words, so they don’t push for more. Quiet overtakes us for a little bit until Lee and Joey get to talking about Savi. The hum of their conversation floats over me, giving me the sense of peace their company usually does. Usually, my loneliness is at an all-time low when I’m with them. The two of them never push, never ask me for more than I can give. True friends.

“All done?” Lee nods towards my now empty beer.

I push the empty beer glass towards him, watching quietly as he heads towards the brewery to return all three of our glasses. Joey watches him go; some emotion that is impossible for me to place etched across his face. For the first time tonight, I notice how tired he looks. Not physically tired, but just sort of done. I know that feeling better than most.

“You okay?” I ask in a hushed whisper.

Joey’s gaze slides back to me as he rubs at the shadow of his dark beard thoughtfully. “Me? I’m great. Good. No complaints.”

“Sounds a little over the top.”

A startled laugh shakes out of him, making my lips tilt up. “I’m alright, Beau. Promise.”

I don’t quite believe him. “If you say so.”

Lee returns with his hands empty, a pleased grin painted on his wide lips. “Ready to go?”

Joey stares up at Lee for one tortured moment. Seemingly shaking himself, he slowly rises from the table. I follow along behind them toward the parking lot. They split off towards their vehicles with waves, and I walk the rest of the way alone.

Stars blink above me in the cloudless night sky. Resting my forearms on the truck roof, I stare hopelessly up at the stars. I wish. Oh, I wish. If the stars do grant wishes, then I deserve one the most. Don’t I? Just one wish.

“Levi,” I whisper to the sky. The name is a fervent wish on my lips and in my forever lonely heart.