7. Joel

7

joel

I closed out of my social media app when a message came through on my phone. Looking at the site always made my heart hurt anyway. It was the only way I could ever see pictures of my daughter and grandson. My daughter didn’t realize I was friends with her. I was using a fake account, and if she ever found out, she’d unfriend me immediately. I never messaged her, never commented or liked the pictures, but I checked every single day.

It seemed like Jessica had gotten a new job recently, and it looked like she really like it. I was so happy for her. She’d worked so hard to get her degree in radiology, and I was glad she’d found a job in that field. Colin was eight now. Eight! He’d started baseball in the spring and was a Boy Scout. I couldn’t believe how big he was getting. Last time I’d seen him, he hadn’t even been three yet.

I closed my eyes and tried to lock the pain back up in the little box deep in the back of my mind. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much that I wasn’t part of their lives, that Collin would never know his grandfather, but I didn’t know how to fix that. I couldn’t without changing everything about myself, and as much as I loved my daughter, I wasn’t able to do that.

I pulled up my messages, almost hoping that Jessica had found out I stalked her social media and was texting me to tell me to fuck off. At least I would be hearing from her. It wasn’t from Jessica though. It was from Luke. Fuck. This was almost worse. Can we talk?

I quickly texted him back to come over and then raced to the front door to wait for him even if I he wouldn’t be here for a while.

Luke’s text ran on repeat in my mind. What did that mean? “Can we talk” was the universal code for bad news. Nothing good ever came after someone said that.

I paced in front of the door, my eyes on the window the whole time so I could keep an eye out for Luke’s truck. While I waited, I flipped back to Cam’s text, analyzing every word.

Caro:

I know you said not to, but I spoke to Luke today. BUT I think it was good. He’ll come around, Daddy. I know it.

I smiled at the message before locking my phone and shoving it into my pocket. The little brat knew calling me Daddy would soften me up. Honestly, I was secretly glad he’d spoken to him. Even if Luke was coming over to break things off, I’d finally know. The waiting had been excruciating.

I tried to tell myself that no matter what he said, I’d be okay. I’d respect his wishes and let him walk away. I was likely lying to myself though. I’d never been great about letting things go, and Luke was special. I wasn’t sure I was physically capable of it.

Luke arrived quicker than I expected. He must not have been coming from his home. I stood by the window, watching him like a stalker as he pulled into my narrow gravel driveway, and waited with bated breath until the headlights finally went dark.

Still, it took another minute or so before he left the vehicle. I was this close to going out there and meeting him, but I managed to resist.

It was ridiculous how jittery I was. I was in my 50s for gods’ sake. I was a fucking biker. A former nuclear engineer with the Navy. I’d spent months on end submerged in a metal death box. Seeing my boyfriend shouldn’t make me this nervous.

I opened the door before Luke made it all the way up the path. He startled like he wasn’t expected it, but then the smile he fixed me with made all the worries disappear. He wouldn’t be smiling at me like that if he had bad news . . . hopefully.

He stopped right outside my door, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. He looked sheepish and a little unsure, which I hated. He should never feel insecure around me. Not wanting him to have any doubts, I leaned over and kissed his cheek. I wanted to do much more than that, but figured it was best to wait till we talked.

Still, the little shiver and soft smile I was rewarded with had me giddy like I was a damn teenager.

I couldn’t explain how Luke had made me feel from the moment I’d seen him in the support group. It had been an instant connection, and I’d had to talk to him. It had started out as just friends, as it typically went. Luke had been straight, had never even looked at another guy before.

I had known I was pansexual for a long time, even before I knew that term. It had just never mattered to me what gender the person was. I was attracted to them, not what was in between their legs. I’d been happy when I learned the word though because it made it easier for me to explain and to understand what I was feeling. Not that it made it easier for my daughter to understand, but I couldn’t do anything about that now. It had taken me even longer to realize I was polyamorous as well. That had been a bit of a shock, but once I’d been introduced to the lifestyle, it had finally allowed me to fit in some puzzle pieces about myself that could never quite match together. By the time I’d met Luke, I’d been comfortable with all aspects of myself and had loved and lost the man of my dreams in a boating accident ten years earlier.

As much as I’d loved Charlie, and I always would, Luke, and now Cam, had awakened all these feelings I hadn’t known were possible. I just knew I was meant to be with them.

I tried to stay present as I led Luke into my house, smiling as he automatically kicked his shoes off. He remembered how much shoes in the house made me cringe. “Want anything to drink? Eat?” I asked.

Luke shook his head and met my eyes. Now inside the light, I took some time to really look at him. The last few days appeared to have been as rough on him as they’d been on me. The circles under his eyes were darker than usual, and I swore there were a few more wrinkles there too. Though, I wasn’t complaining about that. I loved the little wrinkles that formed whenever he smiled.

“I’m good, thanks. Can we, uh, talk first?”

My shoulders stiffened as I braced myself. I was trying to stay calm and not jump to conclusions, but it wasn’t easy when he kept saying shit like that.

“Of course, amato . Let’s go sit.” I flinched as the term of endearment slipped out. I didn’t want to call him that if this was going to be a crap conversation. I didn’t want him to think I was trying to guilt him into something he wasn’t ready for.

But he smiled at me like he always did when I called him that and easily made his way out of the entranceway to sit down in the living area.

I sat on the far end of the sofa from him. I should’ve sat in the other chair, but I couldn’t bring myself to be that far away from him, not after three days of not seeing or hearing a damn thing from him. This distance was too far as it was, and I so desperately wanted to close it. I wanted this man in my arms, and every minute I had to resist was fucking torture.

The silence droned on for what felt like hours but was probably thirty seconds before Luke sighed heavily and met my eyes. “I talked to the boys.”

I blinked, waiting for more information. When none came, I responded with, “Okay . . .”

“About you dating Cameron. I told them.”

My heart was pounding in my chest. Could he give more information per sentence? This was like pulling teeth.

“And . . . what did they have to say?”

Luke laughed and shook his head. “It’s funny. All week I’ve built this up to be this huge thing. I imagined River losing his fucking mind. It felt like the world was going to end. And you know what he did? He fucking laughed. He laughed and was only pissed that Cam didn’t tell him after giving him so much shit about not telling him about Cooper. And Lake, he was fine too.”

I needed to touch him. I reached out over the empty expanse of the couch palm up, hoping he’d take the bait and relaxing when he did.

I was relieved that Lake and River didn’t have an issue with anything. It didn’t seem like he’d talked to Essie, but she didn’t have the same connections to Cam that the twins did, so I didn’t expect there to be a problem.

Though, that was only a part of my worries. A tiny part. The rest lay with Luke. It wasn’t just about Cam either. He’d been struggling with me being poly before he’d even met my boyfriend. As much as I didn’t want an issue with Luke’s kids, at the end of the day, what he felt and wanted was the only thing that mattered.

“And what about you? How are you feeling?” I ran my thumb over the callused skin of his hand. I loved feeling the difference between Luke’d and Cameron’s. Luke’s were rough and calloused from years of working in construction, while Cam’s were soft as silk. I wondered what it would be like to touch them both at the same time, to have them both lying naked, all their beautiful juxtapositions right on display. I pushed the thought down. It was a nice fantasy, but I wasn’t even sure if I’d have Luke at all after today, let alone both my men at the same time.

“Okay, I think. I-I don’t want to lose you, Joel. I can’t imagine ever walking away from you. Whatever that looks like.”

My lungs filled with air so quickly, I got dizzy. Luke wasn’t leaving me.

I closed the gap between us and cupped his face in my hands. “I’m not walking away either, amato . The way I feel about you . . .” I shook my head. Our faces were so close, our foreheads brushed when I moved. I wasn’t going to unload all my feelings on him yet, but I hoped he could feel what I couldn’t yet express with words.

“Fuck, Joel, I missed you.”

I brushed my lips against his, loving the friction our facial hair created. “I missed you too. Don’t ever do that again?”

He laughed roughly. “I’ll try not to. I’m sorry.”

“Shh.” I kissed him again. “There’s nothing to apologize for. I’d never force you into anything or rush you into a decision you weren’t sure about. But still, it was torture, darling. Fucking torture.”

Luke’s cheeks flushed, making him seem so much younger than he was. “Well, maybe I, um, should make it up to you?”

My core tingled. Luke flirting was one of my favorite things. He was so out of practice, but fuck did he try. And his sexy talk? There was something so endearing about it. Something that made me want to get him naked right fucking now.

I ran my hands up the side of his body and kissed the side of neck. “I can think of a few things that might help.”