21. Joel

21

joel

I scrolled through social media as I picked at my pasta. It was weird being completely alone, and I didn’t like it. It felt like I was always with either Cam or Luke or both of them lately, and the eerie quietness of my house was setting my nerves on edge.

I pulled up my daughter’s page. I’d told myself I wasn’t going to do this anymore, and for a while, I’d been good, but the strange loneliness was turning me back into the man I’d been a few short months ago.

I was being ridiculous. It wasn’t like they’d left me. They’d both be coming back here, just like they did most nights, and I would be sharing my bed with them like usual. I could handle a few hours on my own. Yet, it was starting to feel like I couldn’t.

I threw my phone onto the table, frustrated. Jessica hadn’t posted anything new. The last pictures were from a mini golf trip for one of Collin’s friends’ birthdays. But that had been weeks ago. She usually didn’t go that long without posting, so it made me suspicious. Had she somehow realized that I’d found a way to see her profiles? Or was I being paranoid and she just didn’t have anything new to post?

I picked up my fork but honestly wasn’t interested in food right now. Ugh, it just wasn’t the same without Cam’s enthusiastic play-by-play of his day and Luke’s thoughtful questions and comments. Even cooking didn’t hold the same joy when I was by myself. Maybe I should take the bike out for a ride? It had been a while since I’d had a chance to do that.

With a plan in mind, I brought my bowl to the kitchen and cleaned it out. Once everything was tidied up, I grabbed my riding jacket from the closet and sat on the couch with my boots to put them on. I was just grabbing my keys and helmet to head out when my phone rang.

I frowned when I saw it was Cameron. He shouldn’t be calling me right now—he was at work.

“Hello?”

“Oh my gods, Daddy, you won’t believe what just happened.” He sounded kind of giddy, almost on the verge of hysterics, but I couldn’t tell if it was a good or bad thing. In the past, him calling me Daddy would be a good indication, but he’d been calling me that more and more lately, so that wasn’t any help.

“What is it, caro ?” I did my best to keep my voice calm and neutral. No point in jumping to conclusions, even if my heart was beating a mile a minute.

“Sammy completely lost the plot!” That was excitement. I relaxed, but I still didn’t let go of my hold on my helmet, in case I had to take off at a moment’s notice.

“He what?”

Cameron laughed. “He lost it. Screwed both him and Riley over with one live video.”

I was not following. “Start from the beginning please.”

“Right. He went on his social media page and did a twenty-minute rant video. He admitted to fucking everything. Right there on his page that his parents follow! He even completely threw Riley under the bus, admitting that it was his idea to film that night with Justin and me, and apparently Riley not only knew about the camera in my room but would watch the videos with him. I probably should be disgusted, but right now I’m just so fucking relieved. I called the contact Logan gave me, and they’re on their way to the apartment. I’m not sure if Riley’s there, but they’re issuing a warrant for both of them. It’s fucking over, Daddy.”

Gods, could it really be over? This had been hanging over all our heads like an anvil ready to drop for weeks. It had been impossible not to let it bother us when it had been affecting Cam so badly. I had so many questions, but I wasn’t even sure where I should begin.

“Do you have to go to the station to make a statement?” There you go, a reasonable start.

“Yeah. But not tonight. They said I can stop by in the morning. I should call Justin—he probably needs to go too. Though, I guess the cops will reach out to him? I don’t know. I’m not positive about all the details yet.”

“That’s . . . Shit. I’m so glad. So fucking relieved for you.”

Cam laughed harshly. “Yeah, I’m relieved for me too. I’m really happy I’m in a committed relationship now because I can’t imagine ever be comfortable hooking up again, but I don’t think I’ve ever had so much joy watching someone publicly shoot themselves in the foot before.”

“Ha. Same, baby boy. Fucking same.”

I let go of my death grip on the motorcycle helmet, feeling overcome. “I love you, Cam. It’s fine if you’re not ready to say it back, but I wanted to tell you, and not when we have to scream into each other’s ears to hear.” I honestly couldn’t keep it in anymore.

I could practically hear Cam’s smile. “It means a lot to me to hear that, and I feel . . . something that could probably be that.”

Something that could probably be that. So romantic. But Cam was trying. “That’s good, baby boy. No rush. We’ll all get there when we get there.”

Someone said something in the background. “Joel? I have to go. I just wanted to tell you. Can you tell Luke? I didn’t want to call him if they’re still in the session.”

“No problem.” Though, he’d probably be finding out any minute. I imagined Logan had some voicemails waiting for him. “You sure you’re okay? Do you want me to come by the bar?”

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m never going to say no to your company, but you don’t have to if it’s only to check up on me. I promise I’m good.”

“Alright. I’ll probably still come anyway. I’m bored out of my fucking mind here.”

Cam laughed. “Not used to being alone anymore?”

“No. It’s way too quiet.”

“You won’t have that problem here. Stop by.”

“Okay. See you in a bit, caro .”

“Bye.”

Cam hung up. Smiling, I shoved my phone in my pocket, getting ready to see my boy. I was sure this was far from over, and once Cam got over the elation, he’d realize the stress of trying to convict someone. But tonight was about celebrating and joy. We’d worry about the future another day.

I was just about to leave when my phone rang again. I dug it out, figuring it was Cam with more information or that maybe Luke had heard the news and was reaching out, but it was an unknown number.

Normally, I’d just ignore the call since it was probably spam. But because all this was going on with Cam, I was worried it could be the police or someone contacting me about it, so I answered.

“Hello?”

“You have some fucking nerve.”

My heart got caught in my throat when I realized it was my daughter. She was pissed, but she was calling. It was the first time I’d heard her voice, besides in videos she posted online, in years.

“Jessica?”

“Do you think I didn’t know you were showing up at Collin’s games? I saw you more than once. But I let it go because you never tried to approach him or me. I’m not completely heartless.”

My mouth was bone-dry, and I stumbled back onto the couch, my helmet finally falling out of my hand and crashing to the floor.

“But I can’t allow that anymore, after you flaunted your depravity all over the internet.”

“Excuse me? I what?” I was used to her rants. Even before she’d cut me completely off, our relationship had been . . . tense. She’d never approved of my husband, and our contact had been minimal throughout our whole relationship and even after his death. It had been rare to go an entire visit without her shooting some petty digs or being outright hostile.

I’d never understood where or how Jessica had become so closed-minded. I certainly hadn’t raised her like that, and even though I’d never had a relationship with her mother, I was fairly certain she hadn’t either. I’d never hidden my pansexuality from Jessica’s mother, and it had never been an issue. Still, somewhere along the line, hate had taken over Jessica’s heart, and I’d never been able to get through to her again.

So yeah, I wasn’t surprised she called me just to lay into me. I was surprised about what she was saying, and in light of what Cam was going through, I was concerned. From what I’d seen, there was only a few images of me in the videos, and they were all relatively tame and fully clothed.

“You heard me. Did you think I wouldn’t see that video of that . . . child . . . hanging all over you?”

I saw red. Jessica’s words hurt, but I’d never let them get to me. She was still my kid after all. But to make a claim like that? Yeah, no. “He’s 32 years old, Jessica, hardly a child. You can say whatever you want about my lifestyle, but do not go making accusations like that.”

Jessica huffed. “Whatever. Regardless of his age, it was wildly inappropriate. What if Collin saw it?”

I scrubbed my head, trying to stay calm long enough to have a rational conversation, if she let me. “Of course I don’t want Collin to see that. But you do realize not only were the videos posted without permission, but that they were taped without anyone’s knowledge, right?”

“If you behaved more appropriately, it would never have happened.”

I was . . . done. I just couldn’t have this conversation anymore. “Listen, Jessica, I’m not discussing this with you. Do you have a point? If not, I’m going to hang up, and if you want to contact me without destroying my character, then I’d be happy to talk to you.”

There was silence, and I wasn’t sure if she’d just hung up on me. Finally, she spoke. “If I see you at Collin’s games again or anywhere else, I’m calling the police.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, suddenly battling a raging headache. “Understood.” I hung up before she could say anything else.

I tossed the phone on the couch next to me, not wanting to look at it anymore. I should get up and head to the bar, but I didn’t have it in me. It probably made me the worst partner ever. What Cam was going through was way bigger than yet another brutal conversation with my kid to add to the list. But they always left me feeling hollow and broken. I always wondered what I’d done wrong, what I could fix so I could have a relationship with her again. I would love nothing more. I didn’t think it would ever happen though.

I should at least text Cameron and tell him I was in no shape to drive. I was pretty sure he’d understand. But I didn’t pick up my phone. It was still too soon, a reminder of what had just occurred.

Instead of doing any of the things I should do, I sat there, staring into nothingness, until headlights flashed into my window. There was a knock on the door, but I didn’t have the energy to get up and answer it.

“Joel?” It was Luke.

Something close to relief filled me, and somehow I managed to stumble over and open the door, surprised to see not only Luke, but Cam there as well.

“Cameron? I thought you were at work?”

He pushed his way past Luke and into the house, glaring at me. “Yeah, well, after you never showed up and then didn’t answer your phone when either of us called, I left. I thought you’d fucking crashed, Joel, and ended up in a ditch somewhere!”

I flinched. I hadn’t even thought about that. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Luke cupped my face, searching my eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Words were lodged in my throat, but I forced them out. They deserved some kind of explanation. I could see how scared Cam still was. I felt like such as asshole. I’d been so stuck in my head, I hadn’t even considered the anxiety I’d be putting him through.

“Jessica called.”

Cam’s eyes widened to the size of saucers. “Your daughter?”

“Yeah.”

Cam and Luke glanced at each other. “I think we need some alcohol,” Cam announced, clapping his hands and running off to my kitchen before I had a chance to even blink. Luke wrapped an arm around me and guided me right to my bedroom, bypassing the couch.

He sat me down and then knelt at my feet to take off my boots. “You know, I’ve imagined you on your knees for me many times, but it was never quite like this.”

Luke’s lips twisted into a smile. He was probably glad I could joke since I’d been half catatonic when they’d shown up.

Cam came into the room right around the time Luke finished taking off my boots . . . and pants too as Luke encouraged me to lift up so he could take them off. I might’ve questioned it under other circumstances, but right now I kind of just let it happen.

“Oooh, pantless party. Count me in.” Cam put down the bottle of whiskey and three glasses he was carrying, immediately kicking off his boots and the sexy faux leather leggings he’d worn to work. “C’mon, Luke, you too.”

Luke rolled his eyes but humored Cam, and soon we were all cuddled in my bed in just our underwear. Cam reached over, grabbed the booze, and started pouring with the expert hand of someone who did it for living. Luke picked up the remote off the bedside table and flicked on Netflix.

I watched, amazed, as they just handled everything, neither of them mentioning the call yet, just taking care of me in their way. It wasn’t something I was used to. I was the caretaker, but I didn’t think I could ever say in words how much I appreciated it in this moment.

I was three glasses in before I finally started talking. Both of them only knew pieces about my relationship with Jessica, but not anymore. I spilled everything, recalling every last conversation, every single fight, every time she’d cut me out. All the nasty little bits that had stained my past when it came to my daughter. I also told them about Collin and how I’d been following her social media pages and occasionally showing up at games.

They didn’t judge me, just let me speak. Cam was cuddled up against my chest, using me as his own personal pillow. I hugged my arm tightly around him, probably too tight, but I couldn’t bear to let him go.

Luke was a little more subtle, but he was pressed up against me, and his hand rubbing up and down my thigh was reassuring presence.

When I was finally done, I felt so much better, even if I was a little embarrassed.

“Sorry.” I chuckled dryly, trying to fill the silence in the room. “I don’t know why I unloaded like that.”

“Because you know we’re your safe space and won’t judge,” Cameron said, still buried into my chest.

“I’m glad you trust us enough to share that,” Luke responded, his voice a little husky with emotion. I was sure he was imagining himself in my place, but I didn’t want that. I might’ve envied his relationship with his kids a little, but I also thought it was the most beautiful thing and was more than thrilled he got that.

“I know I may never be able to mend things with Jessica, but it kills me that I won’t even get a chance with Collin. Who knows what she’s saying to him.”

“You never know. Once he’s old enough to make his own choices, you can always reach out to him,” Luke answered quietly.

“Yeah,” I replied, even if I had my doubts. His mind had probably been poisoned against me since he’d been a toddler. I couldn’t imagine a reunion at any point going well, but I’d let Luke be optimistic for me.

“I love you.” The words were so sudden, it startled me. Even more shocking was that they’d come from Cam, just a few hours after him telling me he wasn’t ready to say it.

He pushed himself up to a sitting position so he could look at both of us. “I love you. I love both of you. I was all up in my head about it, but this whole night made me realize that you never know what’s going to happen in the future. I’m not going to let some messed-up, preconceived notion I had in my head hold me back. So yeah, I love you both.”

He stopped as suddenly as he’d started, and I couldn’t wait another second. My hand was in his hair and pulling him toward me, and my mouth was on his. Cam melted into the kiss, and I owned his mouth, savoring every second. We only broke apart when Luke blurted, “I love you both too!”

I laughed. “Are you just trying to get kisses?”

Luke made a face. “No. Well, yes, I want in on that. But no, I really do love both of you.”

“Good. Now time for your reward.” Cam straddled me, using my chest for balance so he could reach Luke, who met him halfway for a mind-melting kiss.

I smiled as my arms wrapped around both my men. I might never get a chance at a real relationship with my daughter or grandson, and that fucking hurt. I’d probably never fully come to terms with it, even if I did accept it. But if she couldn’t understand the kind of love that the three of us shared, then I didn’t think I had a choice but to let her go. I would always hope she’d come around, but if it didn’t happen, I’d still have these two by my side no matter what.