33. Keira

Chapter 33

Keira

A ldrin stares at me, hurt rippling across his face and his body completely frozen. For the first time since I met him, he has no words. The light dies within his amber eyes and they turn stone cold, as the blood drains from his face.

Bitter pressure builds and builds in my chest until I fear it will explode from raw grief. I cannot breathe around it. The sheer pain turns my limbs numb and makes my head spin. I am drowning in it.

I want to run to Aldrin; to kiss his lips and tell him I don’t mean it. That I want to stay here with him, but I can’t. If I give in even the slightest bit, I will collapse into his strong arms, and I won’t have the strength to walk away.

“Surely you don’t mean it.” Aldrin’s gaze tears away from me as though the sight burns him, but they are dragged straight back. “I want you to stay, Keira. I want you at my side. I—” His voice breaks. “I need you.”

“We both knew this was coming, Aldrin,” I half-whisper.

“Tell me what you need,” Aldrin urges. “and I will give it to you. Just stay. Another week. Another month. Whatever you can give me. Don’t leave now, not for fear that I can’t protect you.”

“Aldrin, it is ludicrous for me to become embroiled in your civil war, when my people need me. Can’t you see that?” A sob escapes my lips. “I cannot help you get your throne back if I stay here. I won’t be able to help restore magic to either realm. You said it yourself with that prophecy.” I take in a deep breath, readying myself for the final blow. “I must become a queen in my realm and prepare the humans to make an alliance with the fae.”

His beautiful features crumple at my brutality. I don’t want to hurt him, but I need him to understand. “I don’t care for your usefulness, Keira. You are more than your connections to me. Please tell me you are not going back for him. ”

My stomach drops and my veins turn to ice. “If it were a choice between men, I would always choose you, Aldrin, a million times over, but it is so much more than that.” I shake my head. “I can’t turn my back on my duty, my people and my family.”

“I can’t bear the thought of you with him . Of being another man’s queen. It would drive me to insanity.” Aldrin runs a hand through his hair. “He doesn’t treat you right. He doesn’t worship you like I do.”

I soak in every inch of his perfect face, committing it to memory. The lines of his razor-sharp cheekbones and squared jaw, his amber eyes beneath prominent, arching eyebrows. His perfectly straight nose and thin lips. I will never know a man this beautiful again.

Something within me breaks beyond repair.

It feels like it is another woman entirely who steps away from him. “I am leaving Aldrin. You once told me you would never hold me against my will.”

It is the final nail in the coffin, and Aldrin recoils as though he has been slapped.

A series of emotions rolls across his features, but they settle on utter defeat, as the shadows within his eyes deepen. “If it is what you truly want, I will take you to the portal tomorrow morning. Finish up your business with Odiane tonight.”

Aldrin turns and walks away from me. I watch until he disappears into the grand hall.

A numbness spreads from my chest, engulfing my every extremity, and I shiver uncontrollably .

“Are you okay?” That voice is gentle, and so familiar I almost crumble at the warmth and support in it.

I whip around to Caitlin. “How much of that did you hear?”

“All of it, to be honest,” she says, unabashed. “I am your sister. If you need to fall apart, I have to be here to put you back together.”A sob rolls out of me and Caitlin wraps an arm around my shoulders. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

I shrug her off me and stalk away angrily. “Don’t ask me that! It’s never been about what I want. Never.”

She chases after me and grabs my arm, pulling me around to face her. “I’m not trying to upset you. I need to know if you are sure. There’s no going back.”

I run my hands across my face. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. I want a distraction. Can we visit Odiane? Can we talk later?” Such desperation rolls through me that Caitlin nods.

None of this feels real. Not yet. Not while I can still reach out and touch him.

Caitlin leads me to the bridge arching over the frozen river, and down the steps to Odiane. The strangest calm falls over me in the presence of my overprotective older sister. It is as though she helps shoulder my burdens when she is near.

“Is it dangerous for us to be out here?” I suddenly feel selfish for not even thinking of her safety.

“I spoke with Cyprien,” Caitlin says as she deposits me on the bench surrounded by waterfalls, then sits beside me. “This spot is protected by the wards and the assassins only fight at night.”

I nod, lost in my own turmoil of thoughts. Caitlin puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into her side, leaning her head against the top of mine.

The surface of the river below becomes stained pink and orange as it reflects the sunset, with white slabs of ice drifting lazily across it. Odiane steps out of the nearby waterfall, parting the gushing curtains. Her body is water made into flesh.

Many rivulets reach away from the cascading water to form her silhouette. Her hair ripples down her back in shards of ice and her gown is woven of thousands of snowflakes.

A radiant smile fills Odiane’s face and her cheeks are flushed a deep shade of indigo. “My lovelies, you have returned to me. Already I hear my infant daughters sing of the most beautiful places.”

I should be brimming with pride that we achieved such an impossible feat, but it all seems so unimportant.

Caitlin stands and approaches Odiane. “It was an honor to bring your daughters to their waters.”

They speak for a while, as Caitlin retells the details of our journey to place the seed-stones in new waters. They smile as they talk. It all seems so foreign to me, so very far away. I linger a few steps behind them.

Odiane holds out the familiar shape of a seed sack, a circular bubble of water with a segmented coral net encasing it. Inside is a single seed-stone, oval in shape with a deep navy core and a transparent outer. I double-take, moving closer to examine it. The center has three dense, circular masses within it, instead of the usual one.

Caitlin collects the seed sack from her. “Are these —”

“Triplets.” The Lake Maiden chimes, her face brightening. “I thought long and hard on how I could gift you a seed-stone for your world, without my daughters suffering from the lack of magic. Three Lake Maidens, sharing the same blood and waters will bring magic to each other, and will starve off the loneliness until the portals open and we can hear their song.”

I cannot speak for the lump that forms in my throat, and tears stream down my face. “Thank you,” I finally manage.

Odiane looks at me for a long moment, not blinking once. “Young heart, it will not always hurt so. Time takes the edge off all pain, and the youth feel all their emotions tenfold.”

I startle. Of course she heard my conversation with Aldrin.

Odiane turns back to Caitlin, holding out another seed sack. “And my gift of a pregnancy to you, fierce one. Our daughter will have the body of a human, but the soul of a Lake Maiden. Make sure she visits her sisters often, both she and the triplets will find grounding by the bonds they share. Ensure her line takes care of the maidens that I have gifted upon your realm. If she is as brave as you, encourage her to take the pilgrimage to visit me.”

“Thank you.” Tears form at the corner of Caitlin’s eyes. “A daughter is everything I have wanted and I promise I will be the best mother I can be.”

“I know. I have looked inside your heart.” Odiane runs a hand down Caitlin’s face, leaving a shimmering, wet trail. “Place the seed inside your womb before you leave this realm.”

They exchange more words, but I struggle to focus on them, zoning in and out of reality. My mind all but shuts down to avoid the intensity of grief and heartbreak rolling through me.

I sway on my feet and struggle to pry my eyes open after every blink, when Caitlin turns to me with worry. Odiane is gone. I didn’t even notice her burst into streams of water and return to the river.

My sister half carries me with her arm wrapped around my waist and leads me back up that winding staircase and through the streets of the fortress.

I don’t look at her satchel that has both seed sacks in it. Every time my mind dares to acknowledge them, it skitters away from the thought.

There is a finality in this. Nothing holds me to this realm anymore. Not even Aldrin.

The fact utterly ruins me.

Caitlin should be ecstatic with her seed-stone in possession, but instead, there is a deep frown of concern on her face. Every time she glances at me, her lips become downturned. I know Caitlin. Right now, her mind is whirling, trying to work out ways to fix this for me. To find the right thing to say that could give me a single moment of reprieve from this grief, but there isn’t anything she can do.

Guilt flushes through me so strong my knees almost buckle. I should be happy for her, but I am so sad for me.

I return to my previous chambers and sleep fitfully. Caitlin offers to sleep next to me, but I want to be by myself.

I jolt awake with the coverings a tangled mess around me and sweat soaking my body. The twin moons are still prominent in the dark sky, but I cannot get back to sleep. A silvery glow filters in through the leadlight windows, casting a faint image of spring blooms across the floor in muted colors of green, yellow and red.

A deep, restless urge sends me out of my bed and I walk through the fortress. The assassins haven’t found us yet, but there are guards on the lookout for them everywhere.

My feet take me along balconies and through streets. A protective ward domes over the entire site, leaping from plinth to plinth at the apex of the tallest buildings. The barrier shimmers and ripples in the dim light, clear to the naked eye.

I don’t know how long I wander around in large circles, but as I make my way back to my room, the sun peaks over the horizon. I freeze within the shadow of a pillar across the courtyard from my chambers.

Aldrin is outside my door.

He knocks on it, then speaks my name. The sight of him waiting for me to open the door is like a dagger twisting in my heart. He knocks again, and stands in that doorway for a long time, his shoulders slowly dropping as hope fades from him. Aldrin walks a few paces away, stops and stares at the door again, shakes his head then leaves.

A silent sob wracks my chest. I hold a hand over my mouth and slide down the pillar to the ground.

What would I have done, if I were in my room when he knocked? Would I have lost all my resolve and let him in? I know the answer to the depths of my soul, and part of me wishes he had lured me back to him.

I get dressed, pack my few belongings and find Caitlin.

We enter the great hall together. The room is loud with voices crashing over each other as people sit and eat and talk. It turns completely silent as we step in. The heat hits me like a wall, from the roaring fireplaces and the dozens of bodies, but a chill runs down my spine.

Aldrin stands from the table he occupies with Cyprien and approaches me. “Do you want something to eat?” He is cold and brittle, as he motions to the table with food set out.

I shake my head.

“Sit and talk with us a while.” He almost pleads. “There is no rush.”

“I would like to go to the portal now, Aldrin.” I don’t show the turmoil crashing through me.

He closes his eyes for a long moment, running his hands across them. “If that is what you wish.”

“It is,” I say.

Even Caitlin turns to me with surprise at my coldness.

“Let me gather a band of guards.” Aldrin turns from me, but I reach out and grab his arm, pulling him back. He looks down at my hand, then up at me.

“It is too dangerous for you to come,” I say.

“I will have my last goodbye with you. The Assassins of Belladonna be damned.” Anger flashes across his face, twisting his lips, but it cools rapidly. “Talk to me Keira, tell me what you are thinking. Why there is this sudden urge for you to leave? If we can have one last private meal —”

“No, Aldrin.” My voice breaks. “You promised me this. That you wouldn’t hold me.”

I don’t tell him that if I don’t leave right now, I never will be able to. If I let him in, I will lose myself.

Aldrin turns from me and starts barking orders.

The small band amasses rapidly, and we leave the fortress in heavy silence. We make our way through the forest, the fresh chill of the morning seeping into my skin despite my cloak. Snow disappears, frost crunches under my boots, then thaws completely, the only sign of the miles we put between us and the border with winter.

My fingers move across the beads of my moonstone bracelet in a nervous tick, and I glance at it multiple times to see its glow, ever so faint.

Aldrin walks beside me, a brooding presence of gloom. His fingers brush against my hand, but he doesn’t take it in his. The man thinks I don’t want to be touched by him. He has no idea how wrong he is .

“Was it me?” Aldrin asks in a low rumble. “Did I do or say something? Am I not enough?”

I turn to him, my lips parted in surprise. “You are perfect, Aldrin. You are everything.”

“Then it is because you believe I cannot protect you.” He searches my face. Deep shadows lines beneath his eyes, evidence he didn’t sleep last night.

“My time here was always only temporary. We both knew this.” It is the bitterest truth.

The forest opens to the small clearing where I first saw Aldrin and the lone portal stands in its midst, seeping thin tendrils of mist. My hands shake at the sight and my throat closes up until I can hardly breathe.

Caitlin grabs me by the shoulders. “Are you sure? Are you ready?”

How could I ever be ready? But what I want doesn’t really matter. I nod, because I can’t speak.

My sister takes my hand as we near the portal. Its power pulls on me like a strong riptide. Light radiates through the milky depths of the moonstone, but they no longer rival the sparkle of diamonds. Their power flickers in bursts and I know it is seeping away.

The sweetest song beckons me from the depths of the portal, calling me home. Those mists swirl and tendrils of them reach out in response to our bracelets.

Aldrin’s hand grasps my arm, fingers digging in ever so slightly. I whirl around to him. There is a softness on his face as he peers down at me, lifting my chin up to him with a finger. He stands so close that our bodies almost touch.

“I would have made you my queen, Keira. I would have loved you until my dying breath.” He says, just above a whisper. Then he places both his hands on my face, and kisses me, his lips soft and caressing. Warmth radiates through my chest at the touch, as my heart absolutely shatters. A saltiness tinges the kiss. My slow, silent, tears.

I place my hands on Aldrin's chest, feeling the hard planes of it, then slowly pull away from him. I take a step backward, then another.

Caitlin’s hand finds mine, but she doesn’t hurry me .

I hold Aldrin’s eyes, as I back into the portal, his form becoming more and more shrouded by mist. He holds out an arm, reaching for me across worlds, but I am too far gone to take it. I focus every bit of my awareness on him, drinking in and committing to memory every line of his face.

Aldrin is the last thing I see as I leave his realm, just as he was the first when I entered it.

I stumble almost blindly through the thick, damp mists, allowing Caitlin to guide me. Physical pain rips through my chest. It sits within my stomach like a block of ice. I come to understand that there is a large part of me that will always regret this decision. A piece of me that will live with Aldrin. The best of my life is now behind me.

We step out into a cool grassy meadow, with a ring of crude, granite stone arches before us. At their center stands the tall tower in all its menacing glory, levels of arches reaching up to the jade plinth at its apex which glows green with magic and powers the portals.

We stop at the mouth of the portal, both of us dazed.

I blink, then blink again.

It doesn’t feel real, to be back here.

Everything is muted. The colors are less vibrant, the scattering of flowers and the earthy vegetation hold little fragrance, and that beam of magic, with threads woven into from so many people, is pitiful compared to what I experienced. The power within my own veins is diminished, sluggish, ladened down like a limb suddenly turned to lead.

Calls ring out around us and the scurrying of boots follow it, but it all seems so distant.

“Hold back.” A strong, familiar voice snaps. “Let me see them first.”

Hands grip painfully into my shoulders from behind. Caitlin is practically holding me up. Skirts swish and a lone figure dressed all in white, with hair to match, approaches us. I look into her wizened face and that frown so similar to Caitlin’s dissolves into one of warmth.

I throw myself into my grandmother’s arms. The high priestess’ arms. She wraps them around me in a tight embrace, kissing my brow as though I were a small child again .

“Grandma, I did everything you told me not to do.” I sob into her chest.

“Are you hurt, my child?” she asks gently. “Did a high fae harm you?”

“He – he was perfect and returning here broke my heart,” I choke out. “I- I?—”

“Only time will heal that, I am afraid.” My grandmother strokes my hair. “You are strong and brave for returning to us, priestess of the Mothers of Magic. You have made usall proud.”

Those words should arise something within me. It was once everything I wanted, but the agony within has scoured me and I can no longer feel anything else.