Chapter 23

After seeing my mistress and Luca in flagrante delicto, my heart was truly broken. Later, while helping Lady Violet get ready for bed, I couldn't look at her and performed my duties as quickly and efficiently as possible, desperate to go to my own room. I selected her dress for the following day and hung it on the handle of the wardrobe.

Picking up on my less than cheery demeanour, she said, ‘Are you quite all right, Maggie?'

Putting a hand to my forehead, I said, ‘I haven't been sleeping very well and have a little headache, that's all, milady.'

‘Oh well, the damn planes don't help, do they? You must get yourself to bed and let's hope you have a better night. Off you go.'

‘All right, thank you.'

She dismissed me with a wave, and I went to my room, lifted the mattress to take out my diary and sat at the writing table. Grateful to Aunt Edith for introducing me to a way of dealing with my emotions, I began to write about what I'd seen at the gamekeeper's cottage. All I could do was try to diminish my anger with them both; life at Gatley Hall was already difficult enough.

On Sunday I didn't go to meet Luca, and was surprised when Sam brought me a message from him asking where I'd been. So, Luca wasn't aware that I knew about his affair with Lady Violet. How dare he expect to court me as well! I didn't reply and that was that. Not only had I lost the man I loved, but what would occupy my thoughts now? Luca, with his stories of the magical place he came from and his supposed love for me, had given me an escape – and, more importantly, hope. How many women had he declared his love for, I wondered. Now I had to face the sheer reality that a war was taking place around me. As well as the brave men who were fighting on our behalf, innocent civilians were being killed every day.

Because of this war, I was working as a servant. Women in my family going back generations had been domestics, and I'd been so proud to break the cycle as a shopgirl. It didn't seem fair that I'd had to give that up.

Guilt consumed me for having such selfish thoughts, for there were people far worse off. I didn't have to contend with food rationing, for a start. And servants beneath me performed lowlier tasks. Men had no choice but to go and fight. Everyone was losing relatives, and I'd counted myself lucky until Mother wrote in November to inform me that Mildred's husband, Jack, had been killed in action in North Africa. Aunt Edith and I went to St Andrew's, and we knelt and prayed for my brother-in-law. They had only been married for a few years and now Mildred was a widow, and her children would grow up without a father. This news shocked me so greatly, bringing the war close to home, and I told myself to count my blessings.

Lady Violet continued to spend a great deal of time at the gamekeeper's cottage and I did my best to pretend that nothing was happening between her and Luca. Elsie did not make my life easy, and used every opportunity to bring me down with her snarky little comments, often made in the laundry room. Housemaids and kitchen maids would look the other way when they passed me in corridors, for she had turned them all against me. There was nowhere else for me to press Lady Violet's clothes, and so Elsie's treatment of me was something I had to endure. My only friends were Tom, and Sam – when Elsie was not in the same room. I had never felt so lonely in all my life, and would often cry myself to sleep at night. Whenever anyone below stairs mentioned the scandalous affair, I told them it was merely a rumour started by someone spiteful. Despite my broken heart, it was still my duty to defend my mistress.

Christmas came, and Mr and Mrs Willis decided that we should not allow the war to stop us from celebrating. Mr Carter, aided by Tom and Sam, chopped down a pine tree in the woods and placed it in the grand hall. Us servants decorated it with ornaments passed down the Gatley family for generations with the wireless playing Christmas carols. We sang along to ‘Hark the Herald Angels Sing' and ‘O Come All Ye Faithful' as we worked, and by the time we'd finished, the tree looked rather pretty. The earl arranged for a man from the Surrey Standard to take photographs of him and Lady Violet, and all of us servants as well. The photographer arranged us in rows in front of the Christmas tree. I was positioned next to Elsie. We had to stand there for at least half an hour, and she kept nudging and pushing me and whispering things in my ear about Luca and Lady Violet. She was an awful person but I tried not to allow her childish behaviour to affect me.

On Christmas Day, we all walked into the village to attend a service at St Andrew's, and I dropped in to see Aunt Edith before she went to have lunch with her next-door neighbour.

Back at the house, Mrs Downside prepared a goose for the servants, followed by a sumptuous pudding, and we ate like kings and queens in the servants' hall. Even Elsie didn't give me any trouble, and I was thankful. Of course, it was also the day that Tom turned eighteen, and we all sang ‘Happy Birthday'. Before too long, he'd be going to fight for his country. I would greatly miss my only ally at Gatley Hall.

After lunch we listened to the king deliver his Christmas message on the wireless, and it was rather sobering. He spoke about all the children who were separated from their parents, some of them having been sent as far away as Canada and Australia. I'd been fortunate to experience a childhood uninterrupted by war, with both of my parents and my sisters, and I scolded myself once more for being so ungrateful about my circumstances. All of us sat quietly as we listened, and his words, ‘We must hold fast to the spirit which binds us together now' resonated with me. My only way forward was to do everything I could to face this adversity with all the strength I had inside me. Afterwards, everyone went quietly about their business; the power of the king's words had clearly given us something to think about.

When January arrived, it was a struggle to keep warm. Snow settled, inches deep, in the grounds and surrounding fields, and a thick sheet of ice covered the lake. But the days became longer and, although the snow remained and the temperature was below freezing, spring didn't seem too far away. As we reached the end of the month, I longed to experience Gatley Hall in all its glory, to see daffodils and crocuses and snowdrops and the bluebells in the woods. I'd heard the rose garden was quite a sight when all the flowers started to bloom and their perfume was intoxicating. Oh, to leave the house without a coat, hat, scarf and gloves! And to go for a walk without snow seeping into one's boots, or being at risk of slipping on the ice.

One afternoon, after her nap, Lady Violet asked me to take a seat in her boudoir. Her face was pale, as it had often been of late, and her mouth was set in a firm line. I wondered if she'd received bad news about a relative. Had something happened to the earl in London? Maybe he was leaving her for his mistress? Was she about to dismiss me for some misdemeanour I'd committed unknowingly? Had she worked out that I knew of her affair with Luca? Since witnessing their lovemaking, I'd found it hard to look her in the eye for some time, but as the days passed my anger lessened. How could she know I'd been in love with him? And why would he choose me over a woman with her status and beauty? My only option was to try to forgive her, and perhaps one day the whole episode would become a distant memory. Mother, a regular churchgoer, had always told me that people who committed adultery were evil. I didn't always agree with her views, but her voice often filled my head, and it wasn't easy to ignore it. I could see why Lady Violet and Luca had become lovers. The earl was continually absent, and everyone knew about his mistress. When he was present, he barely gave Lady Violet any attention. And I knew myself how it would be almost impossible to resist Luca's advances. If he'd asked to make love to me – before marriage being another sin that would horrify Mother – I'd have allowed him to. Therefore I had some sympathy for Lady Violet, who, despite her privileged life, seemed rather lost. And so, I turned a blind eye to what was going on down at the gamekeeper's cottage and tried to carry on as best I could.

‘Maggie, I have something to tell you,' Lady Violet said.

Was she going to reveal all?

‘I shall no longer be going to the gamekeeper's cottage, for I have rather gone off painting.'

Was the affair over? How I hoped this were true. ‘All right,' I said. ‘Will that be all, milady?'

‘I have rather gone off riding as well.'

‘And so what will you be doing with your time, milady, if you don't mind my asking?'

‘Doctor Baxter has advised me to get plenty of rest, so I shall mainly be reading and writing letters. I am with child, Maggie.'

Although this was highly likely, I was taken aback by her revelation.

‘That is wonderful news. I am sure you and his lordship are delighted.'

‘Come on, Maggie. We both know I haven't just been painting down at the gamekeeper's cottage, don't we?'

She made eye contact and I found myself looking away, trying to find the right words. An uncomfortable silence fell between us. I was just beginning to get past the affair, and now this.

‘Do we?' I said, finally meeting her gaze.

She sighed and raised her eyebrows. Beating around the bush was no use. Evidently, she wished to have a frank conversation with me.

‘So, the child is Luca's?' I said.

‘Charles has been married twice before and never conceived an heir. His mistresses have not produced a child either, and so one must conclude that he is not capable in that department, mustn't one, Maggie?'

I nodded. ‘One must. Is his lordship aware of this…development?' I said.

‘No, he certainly is not, and we mustn't tell him. When I become large enough for people to notice, we shall go to Headley House.' I knew this was a holiday home inherited from her father, on the Suffolk coast. ‘It's beautiful there by the sea and I'm sure you'll like it very much. We can properly escape,' she said, her eyes lighting up as if we were going on a grand adventure. ‘And once the baby is born, if it's a boy, I shall tell Charles, and try to persuade him to accept the child as his heir. His cousin is an increasing threat and I'm sure he would be accommodating. If the baby is a girl, well, I'll have to think of something.'

‘Is that the best plan, milady?'

‘Did you think I would become another one of Charles's wives to be cast aside because I could not produce an heir?' she said, her voice steely. ‘Do you know that his mother has played a part in him doing so? Would I really allow him to take my money, inherited from my father? If the baby is a girl, I shall keep trying until we have a boy. That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it. And Luca must not find out. The fool thinks I am in love with him.'

From the way she said this, I suspected that Luca was in love with her, and this made me envious indeed. He was not just saying those words to her, as he had with me.

‘Very well.'

‘We shall leave on the first day of February. My condition may be impossible to hide by then. The servants at Headley House will keep my secret, for their loyalties lie with me.'

Knowing all this, I found it impossible to sleep at night. I was being entrusted with keeping a damaging secret from everyone I knew. I could not even tell Tom. If Elsie found out the truth, Lady Violet would be finished. Once again, the only place I could pour out my thoughts and feelings was in my diary, and I continued to keep it well hidden under my mattress. As Lady Violet put on weight, I added panels into several of her dresses. Towards the end of January the rest of the household was informed that her ladyship wished to take an extended holiday at her house by the sea. She was tired of the sound of the planes and hoped it might be quieter in Suffolk.

A few days before we were due to depart, Tom came to find me in the laundry room while I was removing a tea stain from one of Lady Violet's dresses with a bar of soap. He was beaming from ear to ear.

‘I wanted you to be the first to know. I'm leaving, tomorrow,' he said.

‘Oh, Tom, I'm thrilled for you, but I shall miss you very much.'

‘Thank you, Mags. I've never been more excited. They're going to train me as an engineer. Learning how to fix cars has stood me in good stead and they were impressed with my knowledge.'

He seemed so glad to be accepted, as if he'd won some kind of prize, and I didn't want to dampen his spirits; but it was more than likely that he would be killed. The thought of him dying, and at such a young age, horrified me, but I cast it aside, holding on to the belief that he would return in one piece.

‘That is wonderful news,' I said.

‘Will you write to me, Mags?'

‘Of course I will. Every day.'

And so, not only was I leaving Gatley Hall, albeit temporarily, Tom was leaving too. I'd miss our friendship but hoped one day we'd get to spend time together again. I was glad to be going to Suffolk with Lady Violet, as being at Gatley Hall without Tom's presence would have been even more arduous. Getting away from Elsie and her influence on the other servants would be a welcome break. Nobody at Headley House would be able to resent me for taking their job as she had, and I hoped to find someone there to talk to and spend time with when I wasn't attending to Lady Violet's needs.