57. Chapter Fifty-Seven

Chapter Fifty-Seven

Toby

F or eight days, I have called a number that claims it's no longer in service.

No more voicemails to leave, text messages bouncing back as undeliverable.

And for just as long, I have held on to hope that the woman holding my heart will still be present when I finally take the first steps out into the world as a sober man.

So when Leo greets me with a wide grin and we walk to the town car he scheduled to pick me up, I can only half match his enthusiasm.

It's the same when he rambles on about new projects on the plane ride home, speaks of the new lyrics Rex and Fin wrote as we cross the tarmac to yet another car.

By the time we turn onto the street that houses Rex's penthouse, my smile has completely fallen.

Because not once in the last several hours has the man even hinted at Anna or her replacement.

When we pull into the open level of the garage, I direct him to pull over so I can get out of the car.

The air feels fresher out here, despite the residual fumes from the vehicles, the city itself, and yet it feels heavy as fuck and unlike what I remember.

Leo bumps my shoulder. "Talk to me, man. How are you doing?"

"That's a loaded fucking question."

He just huffs and stares at me as if expecting me to answer.

I want to seal my lips, swallow the disappointment down to where no one can touch it ever again.

I want to scream in his face that he's the last one I wanna see right now.

I do neither.

"It's different than what I was expecting," I admit and turn toward the elevators.

"How so?"

"Is everyone inside?"

Diversion.

Doc wouldn't approve.

But I can't handle anything else right now.

"The band, yeah," he answers. "Everyone wanted to see you when you got home and I thought here would be easier. Then you could escape if you needed to."

My head bobs with a nod as I knuckle the call button. "Thanks."

The dings of the elevator indicating each floor we've passed feels like my head is stuck to the speaker that amplifies Mac's drum kit, hitting too hard and too fast this close.

She's not up there.

The elevator still opens to the correct floor and Leo still strides right up to the door he opens without pause.

She's not in there.

I follow him even though all I want to do is turn around, find Anna's apartment, and bang on her door until she agrees to at least acknowledge my existence.

That we had something.

At least, if I knew that she felt something , at any point in our time together, then I might be able to stomach an existence without her.

As long as she's happy.

I could live with that. Anna being happy.

So long as no other man lays a hand on her, I think I could live with that.

Rounding the entryway into the main living space, the faint noise of people conversing over the sound of music playing hits my ears like static.

"Broby!"

Mac vaults over the back of the couch and tackles me around the torso, knocking me off balance. We tumble to the solid marble beneath us with a thud I feel in my bones.

Hello floor, I've missed you, too .

"Ow," I growl out, but he just uses my shoulders to leverage himself back to his feet.

A chorus of greetings echo around me as my family fills my vision, most of them snickering at me.

"Who does that?" I ask from the floor with my arms spread out wide, causing Rex to shrug and Fin to shake his head.

"Me, duh." Mac rolls his eyes, drawing my gaze to the dark bags still present beneath them, and holds a hand out in offering. "Someone didn't work out in the yard like the rest of the inmates."

Grasping his hand tight, I yank myself to my feet. "Har har, Mackie."

The drummer snorts, his face now level with mine, and that's when I smell it.

The sweet serenity of liquor coating his breath and clinging to me with each moment he sticks close by.

I drop his hand and step back.

Thankfully, he uses the release as means to push my shoulder, spinning me in the direction of the kitchen. "C'mon, there's mac and cake."

My stomach rolls.

My hands go clammy.

A plate is thrust into my trembling hands, filled with shit I only pick at when I finally take a seat, and dismiss completely when seats are rotated and Mac ends up back beside me.

He's perched on the back of the couch, cradling a plate filled with nothing but mac and cheese that does nothing to cover the scent of alcohol clinging to my senses.

Rex drones on about his kids, all the milestones they've had since I've been gone.

Fin fills everyone in on the updates to his place, the parlor Cedar now owns, which entices the guys to talk about the ink they want next, but I sit silent, hearing none of it.

Because while I've missed these men, the ones I call brothers, I can't stop the churning of my stomach or the impulses threatening to surface.

Ones that scream for me to head to the kitchen and check to see if Rex's liquor cabinet is fully stocked. Or lean closer to Mac, if only to catch the scent.

Just one …

I miss it.

My mouth goes dry.

The fiending is too much.

Thoughts circling, I thrust to my feet. "I gotta go."

"Go? You just got here," someone grumbles but I'm already moving across the room, my mostly full plate in my hands and prepped for the trash.

"Yeah, there's …" I shake my head, hoping the movement will clear it enough. "Someone I need to see."

Anna. I need to find Anna .

She's the only one who matters right now.

Not me, or this demon inside me, or the shit that's happened in the last few months.

I'm at the elevator when Leo catches up to me and spins me, his hand landing on my shoulder.

The despondent look in his eyes says it all before his words do. "Toby … she's not here."

"Then tell me where she is." My heart hammers, my breathing ragged. "I have to know, Le."

He shakes his head.

"She's gone, man."