Chapter 46 | Liz

Chapter 46

Liz

I stare at the folded sheet of paper in my hand. If I unfold it, I’ll get the tiniest of glimpses into my future. Girl or boy. Son or daughter. My stomach flutters at even the idea of this knowledge. Maybe Peanut wants me to know. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that extra slice of pizza at lunch. Or maybe I’m terrified. Knowing the sex of the baby will make our connection stronger. I can plan and imagine and name in real time. But if things go wrong... Things won’t go wrong.

I adjust the vents in the car and let the cold air calm me. After picking up the innocuous piece of paper, I wasn’t able to leave the parking lot. They offered to tell me over the phone, but I wanted the control to look or not. Now I’m rethinking that choice. My fingers tremble as I unfold the sheet with closed eyes. I smooth it against the steering wheel and take a few deep breaths, willing myself to look, to take this leap. Tears spring to my eyes at the sight before me.

Balloons.

Bear.

Pink.

Girl.

Daughter.

I’m going to have a daughter. Happiness floods my body. It radiates from my center, through my fingers and toes to my ears and my eyes and back inside again. My mind is fuzzy from the joy. I’m going to be a girl mom. With bows and tutus and ruffle butts. Julian will be excited. Any time we talked about kids, he always imagined a girl with my waves and his blue eyes. Creative and rambunctious, girly and athletic, a princess and a pirate. She could be anything and everything she wants to be.

I reach for my phone and dial his number. It’s been over a week since that first voicemail with no call back. I’ve waited long enough. The first ring sounds loud through the speakers before his voice fills the car.

“Hey, one second.”

Typical Julian. As if I still call him all the time. As if we’re still connected enough for him to put me on hold.

“Julian.”

“Yes, sorry.” He sounds closer and clearer. “I’m here.”

“Where have you been?” I ask, letting all the petulance show. “I called you over a week ago.”

“Oh, I only got your voicemail yesterday. I went to back-to-back shows, and my phone did that thing where it doesn’t tell me I have a voicemail until I reboot. And you know I never reboot.”

“You’re back in town now?” I’m already up here. It’s easy enough to swing across town and tell him in person.

“Not yet. I extended the trip into a mini vacation.” The words are normal, but the way he says them isn’t. There are too many spaces between the thoughts. He’s being evasive.

I will not consider who he’s on this mini vacation with right now. This is my moment. And I will not let him ruin it.

I switch the call to my handset and prepare myself. Telling him over the phone isn’t ideal, but I’m running out of options. He needs to know because I want to tell other people and start living with this new truth. And because, despite everything, I want to share this moment with him.

“I’m pregnant.”

“What?” He sounds breathless.

“I’m pregnant,” I say again. “Due in February with our daughter.”

“Our... daughter ?” His voice cracks, and I hear him attempt to measure his breathing. “How far along?”

“Ten weeks,” I say, my voice barely a whisper. We both know the frailty of the situation and how quickly it can turn. “The heartbeat was strong on the ultrasound, Jules.”

I wonder for a brief moment if he’ll be angry that I went to the doctor without him, but the hiccup that sounds from the other end of the line is anything but angry.

“You got to see her?” His voice is high and phlegmy, a sound that can’t be faked. Julian is crying.

“Yes, I did.”

“I can be home tomorrow. Can I see you tomorrow?”

I don’t know if I want to see Julian. There are decisions to make and things to consider. There are hard questions that need to be asked. I’m not sure I’m ready for any of it. What I do know is I want it on my own terms and on my own turf. Home court advantage is no joke.

“How about Monday?” I ask. “Can you get away? I’ll send you my new address.”

“Yes, of course,” he says quickly. “Whatever you need, babe.”

What I need is a hard dose of the truth. I need to figure out what the hell I want from my life. Despite banishing all thoughts of who Julian might be on vacation with, I know it’s time to ask the question.

“I need to ask you a question.” I shift my phone to the other ear.

“Shoot.”

“Are you on your mini vacation alone?”

The silence on the other end of the line is deafening. I wonder if he’ll try to lie, but I don’t think he will. He has nothing to gain by lying.

Finally, he clears his throat. “No, I’m not. But that doesn’t matter now. We’re having a baby. You and me. After everything that happened this summer.”

“Yes, but—”

“I love you, babe. That’s all that matters. I’ll see you Monday.” He hangs up before I can even think to respond—to reject or accept his love.

My heart trills at the words, but the rest of me has its doubts. The words were familiar and comfortable and safe but also outdated. It’s startling how quickly he fell back in with me while another woman waited. I’ve never seen his switch flip before. Never understood what drove him back to me whenever he left. But it was instantaneous. From I’m with another woman to You’re all that matters in a blink. His fealty is less than reassuring, and despite what he probably intended, it undermines any faith I have in his words. What kind of person so easily leaves the woman in his bed? The woman who I have no doubt is Sheila. At a different time in my life, I might have found his antics romantic. A sign of how deeply he loves me. Proof that this other woman means nothing. But I’m not that person anymore, and it’s a harsh truth that Julian doesn’t understand that.