Chapter Thirty-­Five

Chapter Thirty-Five

Tobias

Age Thirty-One

I pull up to the garage in time to see Sean speed off in his Nova, not sparing me a glance as he whizzes by—but I can feel his anger just the same. Parking next to his Camaro, the garage light clicks on, and I'm relieved Dom's alone. But I know it won't make a difference in the way this will go down. Whether it's one or both of them, the outcome will be the same. I never had any intentions of them finding out this way. Thoughts still racing, chest aching from their expressions when they saw us in Roman's back yard, confessions of love pouring from our lips, have me walking through the lobby and straight into the fire. Dom stands in the middle of the garage, staring into space. Long, tense seconds tick past, and I prepare myself for everything. When I reach him, he turns to look at me with the eyes of a man I barely recognize, our connection nowhere to be found.

"If you're expecting me to hit you, fight you, you're fucking pathetic." He shakes his head, his eyes black with rage. "You didn't see me as your brother. The one fucking time I needed you to see me, to hear me as your brother, you couldn't stop playing parent. You couldn't take me seriously. You assumed I was fucking around. Nothing new. Dominic being Dominic. But I saw it the minute you believed me, and it wasn't ten months ago when I asked you to. It was back there when you realized it was too late. That was better than any punch I could throw. Fuck you. Get out."

I remain mute because I have zero defense I can think of, and with his words, I don't want any. I want his wrath because for now, it's better than indifference. As long as he's fighting me, there's a chance for us.

"Get the fuck out," he repeats, clenching his fists.

"I can't."

"You're fucking worthless to me now," he says, moving to his toolbox and flipping it open.

"I have been for some time. You're your own man now."

"Nah, that's not what you saw in me. You needed me as an excuse to play warden, to keep control."

"I witnessed it all, Dominic, from day one, I've been there—"

"You're not my fucking father!" He approaches me at full height, his eyes flaring, his teeth bared. "You barely share my blood. Get out. I'm not asking."

"I can't."

"You'll get no absolution from me."

"I know."

"Then what the fuck is there to say? Go to her. She may listen to your fucking lies tonight, but it won't be me."

"Dom, I'm in love with her."

"Sounds familiar." He strikes then, both hands to my chest, and pushes me up against a truck perched in the bay behind me. I don't fight him as the war rages in his head. The same war I battled months ago before I sent him away, refusing to listen, refusing to believe his feelings for her were real. It's then I hear the squeal of brakes and the give in the gravel just outside the doors.

Fuck.

Dominic glares at me, eyes full of contempt and condemnation. It's then I wonder if my brother will ever look at me the way he used to, with respect and admiration. I felt the snap in him the minute he realized what was done. "I can't even ask you if she's worth it. Because I know she is. You got what you wanted. She's yours. You knew exactly what the consequences would be, the damage it would do to us, to Sean, to her, so what the fuck do you want from me?"

"I'm marking her tonight. I wanted you to be the first to know." It's then I see Dominic eye Sean past my shoulder.

"You're what?" Sean seethes from where he stands, and I glance over to see his fists clenching and unclenching at the threshold of the garage. He wants to end me. It's so fucking transparent. He won't forgive me anytime soon and never will once I've made it clear what I'm about to do.

"I'm marking her for obvious reasons and for her protection. Order's already out. It's done."

"The fuck you are!" Sean charges me, and Dominic steps between us, his head tilted as if he didn't quite hear me right.

"You're going to take it this far?" His tone is lethal, and I feel the second strike of betrayal emanating from his frame.

"I have no choice."

"You have a fucking choice," Sean explodes, "and so should she ."

Dominic reads my posture, my intent, and nods. "Yeah, you do that. You fucking mark her. You better bold that shit, and then you can live with it."

"Dom!" Sean barks, incredulous. Dom shakes his head, turning back to him. He knows my reasoning, but Sean's too broken to see it.

Sean steps up to the two of us, the picture of aggression. "You're going too fucking far to prove a point. It's not enough you fucked us all?"

"Not for me," I counter as Dominic turns to face me with a smile so fucking wicked with intent that I know I've earned some of his hate. My brother hates me, and it's deserved.

I will hate, maim, or fucking murder anyone who tries to take her away from me. Anyone, but my brothers who love her just as fiercely, but what's killing them both is she's no longer fair play.

"I didn't lay a hand on her until a few months before you came back," I tell them both because it bears being repeated—although it's still not a defense.

Sean charges for me but stops a foot away, his eyes bloodthirsty, the devastation harder to see now that it's masked by fury, but I know it's there. "Yeah, well, you also stole our ability to fight by keeping us gagged in your fucking zoo! And I'm willing to bet we had a chance to get her back until you stepped in!"

"My orders didn't stop you from leaving a necklace," I look between the two of them, and neither speaks up, but neither seems surprised I know, either. "I'll fucking apologize for loving her the minute you do. But what I did"—I shake my head—"I don't expect your forgiveness."

"You won't get it. And you don't deserve her," Sean clips.

"And you do? You two idiots parading around like men, like soldiers, when you don't know a fucking thing about sacrifice. And with her, you sacrificed nothing! Not a fucking thing! Until you know what that is, you aren't capable of being the man she needs." Jealousy boils over as I condemn them. "And you know all too fucking well that you lost her the minute you shared her—" I look over to Dominic—"and chose this life over her."

"And you didn't manipulate your way in?" Sean shakes his head with disgust. "The only thing I'm sorry for was that I ever believed your bullshit." He spits on the ground, inches from my shoe.

"I brought her in fully and told her the fucking truth because it was safer for her, all the while knowing she could take me down, take us all down! This isn't about me, or you, or our fucking agenda right now. This is about her." I step up to him and can feel the tension coiling, the raw violence radiating from his frame. He's torn between striking his brother while determining me his enemy. "You pulling out, Sean? If so, leave your wings at the door. Tonight, I'm here on business."

Sean gawks at me. "You dare say this shit to me?"

"Yeah, I am. I need to know how far you're going to go with this."

"Who the fuck are you?" His voice is raw with pain .

"I'm the man who would step in front of a bullet for either one of you, no questions asked, but I'm also the man who held your fucking hands before I shaped them into fists. I'm the same man—up until I met her—who put you both above everyone else. But right now, who am I right now? I'm the man who loves her enough to not let anyone or anything in front of her ."

Sean's voice shakes with hate as he looks over to me. "You playing I saw her first?"

"Yeah, I am. And I think you fucking knew what line you were crossing, or else you wouldn't have hidden her from me."

Sean rears back, his right catching me in the jaw a split second before Dominic pushes me back, relieving me of the brunt of the blow. Dominic rights me and glares back at Sean before turning to me. "You didn't believe me, brother, but I believe you, now. Cecelia may be yours, but The Triple Falls chapter is mine, and as long as she's here, she's under my fucking protection. I've been running things here since you've been globetrotting, and if we're going by rules, and business is business, you best goddamn mark her for no other reason than that. If you need anything from us from here on out, you're going to have to ask nicely . Until then, we're both done with you. You listening, big brother? We're done with you on the non-business front. Get. The. Fuck. Out ."

The lividity and finality of his tone rips a place inside of me that can't be repaired. My relationship with my brother is never one I would ever have put into question a year ago. It's the one place I had peace, solidarity, consistency, and I've ruined it with my actions. But amongst the wreckage, I found a different place, one that I never believed could exist for a man like me.

Exhaling, I cup the back of my neck, and I find myself leveling with him in a way, a plea to hear me—fighting for his attention over his anger and hatred, a barter I never imagined I would have to make with my own blood. With the boy I raised and the man I shaped. But I can feel the shift, and it's crippling. It takes me several seconds to speak before I look between them. "I've never asked you for anything, and I'm not asking you to forgive me, not now, but I feel I've given enough to ask you both this. For her, not for me, for Cecelia. You both brought her into this, and I'm keeping her in it for her safety and for my greed. I love her. And no matter what happens from here on out, I need your word that when the time comes, she comes first. And make no mistake, I know what part I played, but the truth is, we all made this more than business." I turn to Dominic, knowing the truth about that day at the library, knowing full well he saw her and was always aware of her. "You brought her in when I told you to keep her out of it. I told you what would happen. I just didn't know how it would play out. We're all to blame. All of us."

Dom charges toward the back door and slams his way through it. I stare after him, the hole he left in me burning as I run a palm down my jaw. I can feel the world we created slipping through my hands as my need to get back to Cecelia increases ten-fold.

Am I losing her right now for the same reasons? My greed, my need for her, for something for myself. For the first time in my fucking life—and with her, in those precious weeks we had where our walls disappeared entirely—I felt liberated, like the version of myself I would have been had I not gone down this path. All I want now is to discard all of it for more time with her. With this knowledge, I have a clear understanding of why I deserve their wrath. Maybe she created the same sanctuary for them.

Maybe Dom and Sean became the more desired versions of themselves with her. We all have sacrificed in some way for this life. Maybe she was their sanctuary. And I hate it if it's true. If they found the same pleasure, the same belonging I have. I dismissed their feelings because I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that they fucking shared the woman I moved heaven and earth just to steal weeks of happiness with. And together, they passed her back and forth and took pieces of my treasure, pieces I can never get back.

This is my price, my penance for being the thief I've become. For falling in love, for stealing her. For living my life, for once, for myself .

But I have consequences to face that will complicate things far more than what's going on here.

Resigned this is just the beginning, I face off with the man I've loved like a brother since the moment he crash-landed into our lives. In seconds, my hurt shifts, and I'm grieving for the boy that he was and the man he's become and meant to me. We'll never be the same. None of us will. It takes all my energy not to let the anger be front and center, though every fiber of my being screams for flesh and blood. But this blood I can't have, and my greed for her will never be sated.

The agony of that truth has me seething as Sean steps up to me, his eyes a mix of rage and the same type of ruin. "Why?"

"You know why. You're right there with me! But I'm not fucking sharing her, not with you, not with my brother, not with a goddamn soul! That's where you fucked up, Sean, and you know it. Her place is with me. End of."

"You think so?" His condescending smirk has my blood boiling. "I wouldn't be so fucking sure. I know what I saw today, and maybe I can't fight a lost cause, and that's my cross to bear. But I also know what you laid witness to as well back in that yard. I saw the fear in your eyes. Fear for the parts of her you'll never have . The part that belongs to me , the other to your brother . Claim her all you want, mark her, piss all around her, but you'll never have her fully. Not. Fucking. Ever. You'll always be sharing her with us, no matter what you fucking do. You'll never possess her the way your thief's soul needs to own her. And you get to live with that. We all get to live with that." He shoves his way past me, and I slam my fist down at the hood of the truck.

"Sean!" I swallow hard, the burn making my voice raw and unrecognizable to me. It's agony knowing it's true, but I push through it for what's important. "For her. For her. Not for me . I'm asking for this. She comes first."

"Jesus, man," he scoffs, "the fact that you still need assurances is pathetic. Using her as an in was the excuse I came up with for you mere days after I met her. This has always been about her . "

Seconds pass, the howl of the wind outside shakes the bay doors. "Why didn't you claim her?"

His eyes slice. "Because none of us were worthy of doing so with the lies floating between us. And those lies existed because we had your back. Because we believed in you and our cause. And until she knew the whole truth..." He shakes his head. "Doesn't fucking matter now, does it?"

"None of us deserve her," I state honestly. "None of us."

"You least of all, you selfish fucking prick." I feel the slam of the door behind him down to the marrow in my bones.

*

Retrieving a bottle from Dom's trunk, sweat pouring from my forehead after my midnight run, I forgo the house, walking around to the back porch to collapse in the lounger, my heart cracking from the memory I re-live daily .

Staring at the bottle, I know cracking it open won't erase a single word we exchanged that night or make the heartache any less intense.

It's the definition of insanity.

Even after an exhausting day of fighting and make-up fucking with Cecelia, even with the knowledge I've reclaimed her heart, even with the closeness between us I've longed for since returning has sealed some of the hole that's been there over half a decade—I can't shake this.

And I knew it would happen.

I knew that no matter how happy I got here with her, that this haunt wasn't leaving me. The contentment ripped from me because of my long, cruel memory. Thoughts of our fallout the night before Dom died plagued me nonstop tonight, making sleep impossible. I stared up at the ceiling for hours after Cecelia drifted off, sprawled naked over my chest, her thigh hooked around my torso while she dreamed. I let her sleep, no matter how badly I needed the distraction of her body to try and ward the ache away. But it's not on her to wrestle my demons.

This battle I fight daily, and I've never won once .

But I'm still weak with need to go to her now. To rouse her, fuck her, and lose myself in her, basking in the safety of her love, her arms, my sanctuary. I stare at the blue bottle of Bombay, knowing it's a shitty fucking alternative.

Tonight, all I feel is restless.

Maybe it's because of the battle I lost today, but even in losing that, I'm a little relieved. I never wanted to leave her, but I didn't have any other game plan.

Not even the fresh blueprint I managed to conjure up after I lay in bed with her hours later, before shooting off a text to Tyler, brings me any peace.

The night air begins to cool the sweat on my skin and my breaths even just as the back door bursts open and Beau dashes out, licking my knee and darting off a second before Cecelia's red-rimmed eyes find mine. It's then I realize just how badly I fucked up.

"I didn't leave a note."

A tear slips down her cheek as a sob bursts from her lips, and the sight of it kills me. Reaching out, I grip her hand and pull her into my lap, the relief in her so apparent, it only breaks my heart further.

I press my face into her neck, inhaling her scent. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm so fucking sorry. I wasn't thinking." For the first time since I got here, she needs consoling due to fear—fear I instilled in her, and it's on me.

I cup her face as she shakes in my hold, more tears gliding down her cheeks. Stilling her quivering lips with the long press of my own, I use my thumb to stroke away her tears. As strong as she's become, I managed to scare her in an unforgivable way by being too immersed in my own shit.

I trace the tiny divot in her chin with my thumb. "I've lied and broken promises to you one too many fucking times for you to believe me. But I wish you would believe I could never do that to you again. That's why you won, Trésor. I surrender. My white flag is yours. "

"I f-f-f-ucking... h-h-ate you, King," she says through another hitched breath.

"You should. I'm sorry, Trésor. I'm not leaving. This I promise you above all others."

She blows out an exasperated breath, and I wait until her body relaxes against mine. No words I can say right now are good enough. Over time, I'll prove myself. I press my face into the side of her neck and inhale. "I'm sorry I can't stop this. This is my shit. I will get better for you."

Drinking in her juniper scent, I eye the bottle I discarded on the table. Maybe she's all I need. She seems to read my thoughts.

"Don't." Deep-blue eyes plead with mine, "Talk to me instead."

"It's not a problem. I won't let it be. I won't waste my life like that. This I know about myself."

She regards me with tear-soaked eyes. "Well, you may not need one, but thanks to your late-night run, I do." She lifts the bottle from the table and unscrews it, taking a long drink before dipping to kiss me. I savor the taste of the alcohol, sucking on her tongue and earning a moan until she breaks the kiss. "Please talk to me. Tell me what hurts you so much."

I nod, scraping my lips with my teeth.

"After I left you in that yard—the day Dom and Sean discovered us—I gave them a few hours to cool off a little before I went to them. A lot of hours, actually. I came back and paced your back yard. I heard you playing "Father Figure," for me . It stung so fucking bad. I knew how hurt you were. I ended up going back to them before I came to you, and you know I never made it."

"Why?"

"For the same reason I'm surrendering. I've made one too many bad decisions that put the people I love at risk. It's made me paranoid, and sometimes I don't know when my instincts are right, or it's the paranoia. It's getting harder to distinguish which. I really needed this fucking vacation."

She nods and runs her fingers through my hair, waiting patiently for me to speak. I want to give this to her, and more than once, I've torn pages out of my journal recalling that night, but I could never get through it. I take another long pull of gin and set the bottle down, giving her my full attention as I relay every detail I can remember about that night, save the call from Antoine. She listens attentively, drawing closer to me with each word, her grip on me growing tighter, her eyes shining with empathy when I finish.

After a bout of silence, she situates herself on my lap so she's fully facing me before she speaks. "You know a judge passes a sentence for crimes committed in order of the severity of the degree of the crime. How much time do you plan on serving, Tobias?"

"It's not that simple."

"No, it's not, but do you think he would want you to live the rest of your life a slave to your guilt? Guilt for actions you regret with your whole heart and being? You know the answer. As hard as he was, that's not Dominic's heart. That's not who he was at all. He was the same impenetrable man operating on love, a mirror image of you." I bite my lip as she palms my jaw, forcing my eyes to hers.

"I've never felt like I just lost my brother, and I know that may seem weird. But I feel like..."

"You lost a son," she whispers. "It's not weird. You took on that role. You were both."

I nod. "I know that love, Cecelia," I confess, "a father's love. For the most part, I was Dominic's father, despite my title." I shake my head, unable to see her now through my pain. "And the day before he died, I took the one thing he wanted most in the world away from him. He died in love with you. I thieved from him and broke his heart, his trust. What reason did he have not to step in front of those bullets?"

Her eyes widen, and she shakes her head furiously. "You can't possibly think that. I know you can't think that."

"Maybe I do."

"You're lying to yourself, Tobias." Her navy eyes demand mine. "Frères pour toujours." Always brothers .

She repeats Dom's last words to me, and she might as well have taken a sledgehammer to my chest. " You were the reason he took those bullets. He saved us both by saving you first ."

"Don't," I begin to come undone, the rawness in my chest burning my throat. When I lift the bottle, she takes it from me.

"Don't do this to me—" I shake my head—" please ."

"‘I've never seen him light up like that with any woman.' That's what he said to me that night. That's what you wanted to know when you were sober ."

I avert my gaze, but she presses in.

"He smiled when he said it, Tobias. I wish you could have seen that smile because if you had been there—if you had seen it—you would know without a doubt that he wanted you to be happy, even if that meant losing me. What we had was beautiful, but you're placing too much importance on the wrong relationship, and I can see in your eyes, you know it's the truth, but admitting it means admitting he died for you . And he did saving you , Tobias."

"Cecelia," I beg the burn in my throat causing me to choke.

"He loved you just as fiercely and unconditionally as you did him. He was angry but just as protective of you and your happiness, and that's why he saved you."

"Goddamnit!" I snap, and she pins me where I sit, steadfast and pressing in further.

"The truth is, he pushed you out of the way that night before he caught any bullet to shield me . He gave his life for yours . You refuse to accept that, and that's what's hurting you most." She pulls me into her chest as I begin to tremble as grunts pour out of me. She wraps around me, refusing to let me free as she whispers the truth, a truth I would do anything to forget. "It's past time you face it and accept it. I'm not the only one he saved that night, Tobias. You have to accept his sacrifice. Even if you're angry about it, you have to accept that his love for you was just as strong, and you have to accept that he forgave you and loved you enough to want you to be happy. You have to unshackle yourself from this guilt, or you'll never be able to accept the rest of the gift he gave you. "

I press my face into her chest and shudder with the onslaught of the truth I've been avoiding since the life left his eyes. From the time I held him as a baby in my arms, knowing he belonged to me, to the day he looked up at me and faded away, he was mine.

"Je suis désolé. Je suis désolé. Je suis vraiment désolé. Je suis vraiment désolé." I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.

"You have to thank him by living," she murmurs as I exhaust myself while soul-deep remorse rolls through me. It doesn't feel like punishment. It's rawer than that. It's bloodletting, implosion, and at the same time, a strange sort of release. I don't want that so much, because if it happens, if I forget one single detail of any memory, I won't get it back.

Falling apart in her arms, she murmurs to me, running her fingers all over my skin, through my hair, smoothing her hand down my back. I'm unsure of how long we stay in that chair when I finally come to, her murmurs constant, her tears pelting my skin as I come back into myself, into my present, exhausted but far from empty. It's not a flood of relief, but it's the cusp of a little release.

Shaken by what just transpired, I bury my face into her neck and inhale, her scent calming me to the point I can take full breaths. Lifting my eyes to hers, she shakes her head as I open my mouth to speak, so fucking raw from emotions I can barely manage.

"Don't you dare apologize to me," she says softly.

"I don't know if I'm the man you fell for," I confess. "I don't know if I ever will be again."

"I know."

"I've never been a king, Cecelia."

"That's where we disagree. You don't see what I see. Maybe you never have. All you seem to see are your mistakes, and I'm determined to change that. But to me, you're everything."

The uncomfortable feeling threatens, but I ignore it, knowing I'm completely exposed. But with her, I always have been, whether it be the unchecked desire she draws from me, my darkest thoughts, my truest truths, or my unrelenting need for her. She's always managed to peel me apart, layer by layer, cracking my foundation to get deeper than any other has ever gone.

From the little girl with mischievous eyes to a woman with nothing but fire in her heart—she stole me first, and that's the truest truth of this thief's heart.

We sit for several moments just listening to the noises of the night, the sweat drying on my skin as I breathe in her scent again and lift my eyes to her.

"Juniper," I grin, my eyes half-mast from exhaustion. "You are aware, Trésor, that gin is made of juniper berries , right?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Frenchman, that's pure coincidence. I've been wearing it since I was sixteen."

"It's not a coincidence." I run my hand down her wings, her eyes hooding a little more with each caress. "Nothing about us is a coincidence. You should know that by now. Life may have a fucked-up sense of humor for pairing us together, and all outside forces may have deserted us, but if there was ever evidence of two people fucking fated to be together, star-crossed or not, it's us."

We stay silent for several minutes on the verge of sleep until the crunch of gravel sounds from the driveway. Cecelia spikes to life, and I tighten my arms around her to keep her from springing from my lap.

"It's okay. We're expecting company."

"It's close to three in the morning. Who is it?"

I nip at her lips as she pushes at my chest, impatient for an answer.

"Our ride."